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What to do


Kel1978

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My partner got annoyed at me chasing up dental details for my 17year old son who does not live with us ...i have been with this man for 3 years and my children have refused to see me as they do not want him in their life .....

He got annoyed as he immediately asumed i was spending money. ...he feels that I pay child support and thats all i should do ....its a small amount that would not really help much as i am on a low income. ...he has said previously that if i give them more than i leagly have to he would not be happy and it would be the end of us ....if thats not enough

.today i explained my intentions and that it was not about money. .he still had a problem with this ...saying that you're partner should come first . And its not up to me to do this ...my response. I am their mother and nothing is going to change this...he finished by saying that I should hurry up and go back so he can get on with leaving this earth..aka suicide. 😕😩 . I commented that it was manipulative and tried to talk about the actual issue ...he rolled his eyes and sarcastically remarked oh im sick of hearing about your feelings all the time. ..then said i dont want to argue

.

 

Not a very nice moment. ...but i am actually concerned about the whole thing. ...i just want to leave atm .

Am i being unfair. ..

I dont feel he is very open to discussing issues as he just sees it as argument

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Seraphim is right.

 

Your partner comes before your children when deciding what’s for dinner, or what to watch on television. Not financial support or emotional involvement.

 

Your partner is controlling, manipulative, and has isolated you from your own children. He needs to go. Now.

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You are involved with an abusive, controlling, manipulative man. Him threatening suicide is pure manipulation and if that's what it's taking for you to finally wake up, great. What you do now is plan your escape and do it quietly when he isn't around. Once you leave, be sure he has no way of finding you or contacting you. If you need more help, then call an abuse hotline for more details on how leave this kind of a psychopath.

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You need to leave this abusive man as soon as you can. As most abusive partners he probably isolated you from everyone, so if you don't have a support of frends and family network I recommend calling abuse hotlines and making an escape plan from him. I hope you didn't choose him over your children. If you did, now it's time to get your priority right and choose your well being and your kids. Don't worry about his suicide blackmail, it's just a manipulative tactic very common in abusive partners. Even if he did it would be his own fault and responsibility. If you're worried call an ambulance, but don't fall for his blackmailing tactics.

 

Also, he has NO SAY AT ALL in what you give your children and if you want to give more than child support or not. That's your business, not his!

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Your children must be so hurt by this situation. I can only imagine the psychological damage it is causing them. They are likely to suffer tremendously in their adult years as they try to develop romantic relationships with the holes you have put in their hearts.

 

I know this sounds really harsh, but please understand that I am saying it for your children’s benefit. You have chosen this man over them. I do not understand why you would even bother to explain yourself to him, let alone be in a relationship. He encourages you to neglect your children. You should not hesitate to be done with him.

 

You will regret staying with him in the long run. However, you will never regret turning your life around in this moment and choosing to make your children a priority. End this sham of a relationship now and be done with him forever. Someone who truly loves you will instinctively support you in your decision to be the best mother you can be.

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Your kids have a good point. He's an abusive control freak. Who the hell is he telling you what you can/can't spend on your own kids? Wake up and get out.

my children have refused to see me as they do not want him in their life .....

He got annoyed as he immediately asumed i was spending money. ...saying that you're partner should come first .

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This is not okay!

Your children whether they live with you or not, come first. Always! He isn’t okay with you doing something for your kids...he knows where the door is. And the fact that he is threatening his own life and trying to say you’ll be the blame...no! He is a child!

I’m sorry but you deserve someone who will accept you, your kids, and the fact that they will come first always.

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Yep, it would be the suicide threat which would be the final straw for me. Years ago, I had a partner whose behaviour was getting more and more controlling, who threatened to kill himself if I ended the relationship. I responded that if his life without me would really be that bad, I'd respect his decision - and finished with him. He didn't go through with it, of course.

 

You know what your loyalties to your children should be. Do not allow yourself to be held emotionally hostage by this man. You do not have to justify how you spend your own money, or, indeed even tell him.

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My mother was married 5 times & always put the men before my Sisters and I.

Let me tell you that your poor children are suffering because of your choices.

I dont have a relationship with my mother. I see her on holidays and that is it.

She is not a part of my or my children's day to day life.

 

Once your children are grown & have families of their own I am positive you will be excluded.

Is this man worth never seeing your Grandchildren grow?

 

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself & your choices. I feel so sorry for your poor children

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Thank you all for your honesty. I appreciate it and helps me see clearly. ..i was in a very emotionally distressed way ...i have known this man for over ten years as i thought we were friends. ..my ex was abusive also and i just didn't know what was right or wrong at the time ....he was there and my ex had alot to do with influences on the children about him ...there wasn't a problem at first. Not ever until my youngest would return from dad ...anyway long story. ..but now i feel differently and i want my babies ...i feel like i have ultimatums on both sides . The kids / ex demand him to not be around . I am shocked at how i didn't see it ....as the last one was a cracker ...and i have boys and my eldest is a little alot like him.i have bought a house with the now partner and yeah we moved away ....after years of trying to get them to even talk to me ...they would not even acknowledge me when they saw me .... so i really appreciate hearing all view points thankyou all ❤and light

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When were split my ex told me once he gets my eldest the yougest will follow. It was an adusive relationship. And i left for this man whom i considered a long time friend and had feeling for ..we did the shared time and it was him that did not want them around him .he told them quite alot of lies and my eldest decided to go to him as i did not see why there was an issue we lived separately. Alot of time has past i have continuity tried to talk to see they just completely ignore me .he has never been anything but good to them its only now since we moved and bought a house ..i have them telling me they wont have anything to do with me while i am with him ...i have been mentally unstable through all of this and have had no money for court ..i now have had free leagle help and papers to file ..i did not want to take the kids through court ...he has them brainwashed so i thought now im not so sure

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No i did not agree ...i felt manipulated by the ex through the children. ...he has told them alot of lies ..and i continued to be there for them and try to make contact but they literally would not talk to me and walk away ....my ex also put a protective order on me and told the kids that it also involved them witch was not true he even lied to the schools and I had to get a solicitor to rectify this .

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I and we have tried for over two years to sort this out ...he was a friend of the ex and the ex understandably is crushed ...so yeah i am the bad guy who broke they family and left for wjat i thought was going to be a better situation. ..i never just up and left ....i continually tried to sort this out ..even if i had no one .this would still be the case as the ex is very bitter and controlling. ..now i am at a complete loss ....imagine what it feels like when you see your 9 yr old and they say they arent alloud to talk to you or hug and kiss you ....who even tells kids that

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Not so black and white. ..their father is in their heads and he was not a nice man ....i am not a meak woman either and because I acted in violence to his emotional and mental verbal abuse ...its easy for him to paint me as the bad guy ....you have no idear of the torture i endured for those children ...to try to keep them safe from him ...now i am the bad one who is ignored. ...i didn't even force them to see him they refused to see me by myself without him involved. ...this is not a case of i just left ....no there's alot more to it ..i only have had these conserns since moving and i just want to run back to them ...yet i feel even if i did there would be another reason as by doing that the ex wins ...he has them in his control . And i never wanted to take them through court but now it seems like my only option. ...im sorry about your mum ....and i am well aware of the pain as i feel it myself ....im getting to the point of hating men

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The father of your children was an abusive man apparently and your current boyfriend is also abusive and controlling. You need to stop the cycle of abuse once and for all and leave the current abusive man for yourself and for your children. It's going to take time and maybe therapy, but at this time you're not ready for a relationship since you've fell for two abusive men and it will take time to heal from this and learn so that story doesn't repeat itself. As you leave this man, I suggest making an escape plan getting your finances in order and getting a place to stay in advance if the house is not yours and talk to an attourney as I don't think this psycho will let you go easily.

 

As bad as the father of your children is, the current situation is that you got yourself involved with a man who's also bad and is manipulating you. That's the priority to solve now in my opinion.

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The father of your children was an abusive man apparently and your current boyfriend is also abusive and controlling. You need to stop the cycle of abuse once and for all and leave the current abusive man for yourself and for your children. It's going to take time and maybe therapy, but at this time you're not ready for a relationship since you've fell for two abusive men and it will take time to heal from this and learn so that story doesn't repeat itself. As you leave this man, I suggest making an escape plan getting your finances in order and getting a place to stay in advance if the house is not yours and talk to an attourney as I don't think this psycho will let you go easily.

 

As bad as the father of your children is, the current situation is that you got yourself involved with a man who's also bad and is manipulating you. That's the priority to solve now in my opinion.

 

Thank you your words are very wise ...we have made progress and he admitted that he was wrong in saying what he did ...i know that can be seen as part of the cycle yet i feel it was strong of him to do so ...i know he has struggled with depression and anxiety. So hard to tell if its a threat or genuine feeling. ... i do agree that the pattern can repeat. And this is always in the back of my mind and i probably am quick to judge given my past ...i was quite upset when I wrote my first post and its a bit all over the place ..but i appreciate your advice as this corse of action has been on my mind too

 

Thanks

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