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Thread: A male, a pansexual female, and a complicated situation

  1. #1

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    A male, a pansexual female, and a complicated situation

    I'm the male.

    To be honest, I am confused. Very confused.

    A bit of background on her: She has only had romantic partnerships with women, and maybe only had a total of 3 male partners that were only sexual in nature. I'm number 3. Her issues with men circles around problems with her father growing up. In the kink itself, she is submissive and can only be submissive towards men.

    I came across her one day 2 years ago in the kink community. She identified as Pansexual (at least in the kink scene); In the public light, however, she only addresses attraction towards women (lesbian). We engaged in simple physical/sexual engagements and gradually got to know eachother over a few months. And we fell for eachother the same night a week before she left for an internship out of the states (she attends law school). We lost contact from there.

    Being one for good mental health, I have always attended therapy and felt that I wouldn't find what I was looking for in the kink lifestyle. And then, after months of no contact, she appeared in my mind again and I sought her out. We connected, but anytime before things would actually take off with us, she would run. And the one recurring theme was that it was always when something stressful happened, either with family or schooling. Every time, her reasoning would be that she had no time for a relationship and that, historically speaking, she was only with women.

    In this last stint, we reconnected again and gave it a try for 2 months. It was perfect and everything we could have wanted out of a relationship. Sex, connection, romance, you name it. Nothing was left out for what you could envision for a perfect relationship.

    Then, stressors of life hit: She had no job lined up after law school, student loans, family issues, etc. A week after beginning to pull way from me, she says that she has distance herself from me, to fall out of love with me; That I was everything she could ever want out of a partner. However, she felt as though she was betraying a part of herself because she always felt she'd end up with a wife. I let her give her peace, because there wasn't talking her out of this. She'd been mulling this over for a week and there wasn't changing her mind. I did tell her that despite all of this, I wouldn't have changed a single thing and I cherished ever single moment of us being together (between tears, of course).

    A week after our breakup, she was in a relationship with a female. It isn't someone she's dated before, but someone she connected with a few months before we were together this last time. This person is a rebound, without a doubt in my mind (they are nowhere close to the quality of women she's dated before). And even still, she hadn't actually been in a relationship with anyone before me for 2 years prior.

    How can I process this? Her leaving felt like she was ashamed for falling in love with a man. Her hopping into a relationship so soon after we ended looks like she is hunting for a distraction.

    I know this is complicated, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have such a tremendous amount of appreciation for her and I honestly do want the best for her on top of wanting to be with her.

  2. #2
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    How can I process this?
    You probably can't completely do that right now, if it's too soon - how long ago did she break it off?

    And, how old is she? It sounds like she is in her early 20's and just doesn't want to settle down yet.

    A week after our breakup, she was in a relationship with a female... someone she connected with a few months before we were together this last time. This person is a rebound, without a doubt in my mind
    One thing you might consider is that the "life stressors" explanation is an excuse to move on for her - this lady simply prefers experiencing many different types of relationships, and likes to keep them short term.

    You might also think about whether this part is true -

    I was everything she could ever want out of a partner. However, she felt as though she was betraying a part of herself because she always felt she'd end up with a wife.
    You know her, we don't so I have no opinion on whether it is or not. I can only suggest you consider if there were different levels of investment in this relationship.

    Having said that, from your description , this was her first romantic relationship with a man - perhaps something that was on her "to do" list?

    I think it is wise that you left her in peace; giving her the space she asked for shows respect and your strength.

    It would take me a while to let go of the thought that perhaps, one day, she'll finish that list, and come back to me - but letting go that thought is part of your healing process.

    I would also suggest you follow her lead and distance yourself from her- so No Contact from you to her. And no friendzone if she offers it.

  3. #3
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    Honestly, take the pan/bi garbage whatever out of it. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and by telling you she can't because of your gender, she is letting you down easy. Stop random sexual engagements and you are more likely to find a woman who wants a relationship.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. It sounds like she is predominantly lesbian and that she takes off whenever she is stressed. This is a pattern where you don't fit. Imo, it was not realistic to get involved in this in the first place. Could it be that your fixation with this emotionally unavailable woman is a manifestation of your own emotional availability? The incompatibility you described is too great to overcome and an emotionally available person wouldn't have gone there in the first place.

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    You probably can't completely do that right now, if it's too soon - how long ago did she break it off?

    And, how old is she? It sounds like she is in her early 20's and just doesn't want to settle down yet.
    She broke it off on the 15th of this month (February).
    She is 25. Also, in her final semester of law school.

    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    You know her, we don't so I have no opinion on whether it is or not. I can only suggest you consider if there were different levels of investment in this relationship.
    In terms of the emotional investment, both of us were in equal exchange there. If there is something I am good at, it is gauging objectively. I had taken the previous talks/discussions we had into consideration and I was making sure to not get my "head in the clouds".

    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    Having said that, from your description , this was her first romantic relationship with a man - perhaps something that was on her "to do" list?
    Knowing her, there isn't a list available or any planning done. Her only planning really centralizes around finishing law school, the bar exam, and entering the workforce, and rightfully so.

    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    I would also suggest you follow her lead and distance yourself from her- so No Contact from you to her. And no friendzone if she offers it.
    I have to agree. I honestly would find it difficult to also say no to a friendship, but the fact is that there is an attachment between us that keeps us playing this game of cat and mouse. I've already shown the type of relationship I'd bring, I don't need to have anything less than someone willing to actually try to be with me.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by Clio
    Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. It sounds like she is predominantly lesbian and that she takes off whenever she is stressed. This is a pattern where you don't fit. Imo, it was not realistic to get involved in this in the first place.
    But, I have fit, I do fit, and I will likely fit in the future if I wanted. It really is a back and forth between us. I didn't think it was realistic to begin with, but then we fell for eachother. There also may be an underlying factor of "preferred sexuality" to "actual sexuality".

    Originally Posted by Clio
    Could it be that your fixation with this emotionally unavailable woman is a manifestation of your own emotional availability? The incompatibility you described is too great to overcome and an emotionally available person wouldn't have gone there in the first place.
    I won't deny that her emotional availability also has a draw to me due to my own traumas in the past. Trust me, years of therapy have come in handy to recognize my pattern.
    However, this doesn't erase the fact I do have concerns for her. The women she's dated in the past were toxic and abusive.

    I guess my real aim here might be trying to get her to take a deeper look at everything going on inside her. Even if I don't end up being the one she is with, having her on a path of finding a healthy relationship would be a relief. But, looking at it objectively, there isn't really a way I can do that for her.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Honestly, take the pan/bi garbage whatever out of it. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and by telling you she can't because of your gender, she is letting you down easy. Stop random sexual engagements and you are more likely to find a woman who wants a relationship.
    Referencing pansexuality/bisexuality as "garbage" in itself is something I will take with a grain of salt from your reply.

    If she didn't want to be in a relationship, she wouldn't have engaged in it. Or have entertained it multiple times throughout the years. Or taken the lead in attempting to start it.

    FYI- None of the engagements are random.

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    Originally Posted by TenS
    She broke it off on the 15th of this month (February).
    She is 25. Also, in her final semester of law school.
    2 weeks NC is not a lot. See how you feel about it in 6 weeks time. Also, give her some time to miss you. If she gets in contact you know how to reply.

    There are often discussion threads here where people are dumped by a partner finishing their tertiary education and with the world opening up in front of them. They want to get out into it and don't see you as part of that. It sucks big time for the dumpee, but there is nothing you can do to change their mind once they have made their decision.


    I have to agree. I honestly would find it difficult to also say no to a friendship, but the fact is that there is an attachment between us that keeps us playing this game of cat and mouse. I've already shown the type of relationship I'd bring, I don't need to have anything less than someone willing to actually try to be with me.
    If you get into the friendzone, you will stop or at least slow down the healing process (& you will likely never get back with her in a romantic sense). You also run the risk that at some point she will cut you off even from that friendship, and you get to start grieving again. It is not a good idea unless you have become indifferent, by which time of course you probably won't bother with her anyway.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She sounds way too confused to date/have a relationship with you. You're confused because she's confused. You dodged a bullet. She wants a different lifestyle and therefore you are not and never were compatible.
    Originally Posted by TenS
    I am confused. Very confused.

    she felt as though she was betraying a part of herself because she always felt she'd end up with a wife.

    A week after our breakup, she was in a relationship with a female.


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