Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 16

Thread: Is it possible to have too thick of a skin Online Dating?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    55
    Posts
    7,695
    Gender
    Male

    Is it possible to have too thick of a skin Online Dating?

    Some of you know I decided to finally sign up for OLD after being single and trying the whole In Real Life thing.

    (Update before I go any further for those that asked for one)

    Things have been going pretty well. I have been on Match for about 3 weeks and received over 50 likes and at least 7 messages from women. I wasn't interested in any of them so taking the advice I received here I just read the message, checked out their profile and then deleted the message. I was busy checking out all the women that showed interest in me so I hadn't sent out a message myself until the other day. She replied and we messaged back and forth a bit and spoke on the phone last night. The convo went well and we will meet as soon as our schedules line up. So all in all I shouldn't complain.

    My question about having too thick of skin comes from my feeling that I could care less either way what happens. When I did this all those years ago I felt like there was more urgency but now I don't have that in the least. I do want to have someone in my life and fall in love again for sure but I can't help but feel it is different this time around. I didn't intentionally prepare myself or physc myself into not caring as much so I am curious where it came from...

    I have to say that I haven't seen all that many women on there that I am interested in as I know what I am looking for and I am certainly realistic.

    Has anyone else experienced this?

    Thanks in advance
    Lost

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,387
    Gender
    Female
    Sounds to me like you are in a better, stronger place emotionally than you were in the past and that can seem strange and even uncomfortable at first. Thing is that you really shouldn't care about a first meet and greet with some stranger from online. You should be walking into it with a sort of blank slate, let's just go with the flow and see what comes of it mindset.

    Coming into it psyched means you are already approaching things with certain expectations and that actually gets in the way of taking the person at face value and enjoying your time with them as it's happening.....or not enjoying it and noticing deal breakers. The more neutral you can go into the meets, the better.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,024
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Has anyone else experienced this?
    Yes. I think it comes from acceptance vs. too thick a skin... you accept who you are and what you want and while you want a relationship, you aren't desperately in need of one. This changes how we approach online dating and is probably the ideal place to approach it from.

    That being said I would say that in the older OLD crowd (40+) there is kind of a weird dynamic in that people are so busy living life or jaded by past experiences they are reluctant to put time or energy into getting to know someone new, and this may come across as apathy towards dating. At the end of the day if you really do want a relationship, don't forget to allow yourself to get a little vulnerable if you meet someone you like and have chemistry with.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,493
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    My question about having too thick of skin comes from my feeling that I could care less either way what happens.
    This is, in my opinion, the ideal headspace to be in.

    I would not even call it "thick skin." I would call it genuine openness, even genuine optimism, meaning you are genuinely open to whatever might come, be it a mediocre conversation over a glass of wine or a fantastic chat followed by a hot kiss after a glass of wine.

    Both are 100 percent okay—and, at least early, not really so different. And that's the key, in early dating: that neither the "bad" or the "good" experience throws you too fast or too far too quickly. Because you are you, solid regardless. You are secure and intimate with yourself, so you're not needing a pixilated match and meet-up to be the thing that solves everything.

    It is the icing, not the cake. And, if it doesn't come, so what? How good is that cake on its own!?

    Speaking for myself, I've gotten into my best relationships—be they years long or shorter—when I have this attitude and meet someone with a shared attitude. I swipe around, I chat on an app, I have a drink—all without projecting a million hopes onto four pictures of a beautiful woman, twelve clever text bubbles, a few hours of IRL intimacy. Whatever comes comes. If it's good I'll lean in more—the skin as been ed, and it feels good enough to allow for some more ing. If not, I'll go back to doing me.

    On the contrary, when I'm feeling a little insecure, lonely, and desperate to connect I might have a different attitude. I might be more like my best friend, who sends me screen shots of Bumble chats convinced he's met the coolest woman on the planet—followed, often, by the dread of meeting said woman and realizing, alas, she was just a woman on the planet, not quite as cool as the story his expectations spun. He'd gotten married in his head, and is now divorcing, in effect. (And, of course, she may very well have been super cool, but it's hard to compete with lofty expectations, you know?)

    So, yeah, you're good. You're open to love, your heart is beating—bravo. Nothing sweeter. That's the vulnerability to be shared with the person who s the skin. But your heart is healthy. The "thick skin," in a sense, is to protect the open heart—a kind of layer around it that allows it to keep beating, to stay hungry without being starving as you wade into and through the waters of potential connection.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,361
    Gender
    Female
    There was a time I felt that sense urgency and that in itself steered me in all the wrong directions. I caught myself dating those I never might have before and gave up a lot of my valuable time doing so.

    It wasn't until I got to where you are right now that things turned around for me.
    I don't think it's that you don't care or you're too thick skinned. You are probably more at peace with yourself than you ever have been.

    Having a partner would be nice, but it isn't absolutely necessary. It's the difference between *wanting a partner or *needing a partner.
    It's the best place to be, honestly. Win/Win

    The last time I did online dating, I scanned my demographic for a couple days, felt somewhat uninterested and from there didn't log on for almost 3 weeks.

    I had a busy summer and during a 9 hour drive home from a girls trip, I checked my emails. Buried a bunch of emails was one from the one man who I found attractive had emailed me 3 weeks prior.

    A year and half later we are still together. I would never have guessed it, based on my attitude at the time.

    Don't second guess yourself. Take your time.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    55
    Posts
    7,695
    Gender
    Male
    Wow!

    Thank you all for such excellent and thought out advice. I really appreciate your efforts in responding.

    I was somewhat disappointed in not being excited about women in my age range on Match. The woman I talked to last night is 8 years younger than I am which I figure 10 is about the maximum younger I will go unless they are really special and grounded.

    I know I am much more patient and have passed on women I would have at least met or dated a few times the last time around. I don't want to waste anyone's time, including mine.

    I received a lot of likes and some of the women had on their profile an age range that I fell out of (too old of course) so I am curious how hard is that line in the sand for women? So if I am 2 or 3 years older than what they say should I bother or just go on face value? I am not looking to date some 39 yr old but I would like to broaden search to increase my chances of meeting someone.

    Lost

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,387
    Gender
    Female
    I think if you got a like from them, then you are in the clear to contact them regardless of what parameters they have set. They are actively letting you know that they are interested. As for cold contacting those who haven't liked you or reached out to you and you fall out of their parameters, probably best that you don't bother. It's another one of those case by case things. Some people have it in stone, others will flex, or flex if they like your profile enough. It's really a case by case basis.

    Personally, I think it's easier to flex on things when you meet a person in real life and you happen to click, but much more difficult when you are just looking at a screen.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,361
    Gender
    Female
    . . .face value

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,541
    Why aren't you interested in women in your age range?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,361
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Why aren't you interested in women in your age range?
    It was women that contacted him where he was out of their preferred age range, he was referring to.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •