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Is it possible to have too thick of a skin Online Dating?


lostandhurt

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Some of you know I decided to finally sign up for OLD after being single and trying the whole In Real Life thing.

 

(Update before I go any further for those that asked for one)

 

Things have been going pretty well. I have been on Match for about 3 weeks and received over 50 likes and at least 7 messages from women. I wasn't interested in any of them so taking the advice I received here I just read the message, checked out their profile and then deleted the message. I was busy checking out all the women that showed interest in me so I hadn't sent out a message myself until the other day. She replied and we messaged back and forth a bit and spoke on the phone last night. The convo went well and we will meet as soon as our schedules line up. So all in all I shouldn't complain.

 

My question about having too thick of skin comes from my feeling that I could care less either way what happens. When I did this all those years ago I felt like there was more urgency but now I don't have that in the least. I do want to have someone in my life and fall in love again for sure but I can't help but feel it is different this time around. I didn't intentionally prepare myself or physc myself into not caring as much so I am curious where it came from...

 

I have to say that I haven't seen all that many women on there that I am interested in as I know what I am looking for and I am certainly realistic.

 

Has anyone else experienced this?

 

Thanks in advance

Lost

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Sounds to me like you are in a better, stronger place emotionally than you were in the past and that can seem strange and even uncomfortable at first. Thing is that you really shouldn't care about a first meet and greet with some stranger from online. You should be walking into it with a sort of blank slate, let's just go with the flow and see what comes of it mindset.

 

Coming into it psyched means you are already approaching things with certain expectations and that actually gets in the way of taking the person at face value and enjoying your time with them as it's happening.....or not enjoying it and noticing deal breakers. The more neutral you can go into the meets, the better.

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Has anyone else experienced this?

 

Yes. I think it comes from acceptance vs. too thick a skin... you accept who you are and what you want and while you want a relationship, you aren't desperately in need of one. This changes how we approach online dating and is probably the ideal place to approach it from.

 

That being said I would say that in the older OLD crowd (40+) there is kind of a weird dynamic in that people are so busy living life or jaded by past experiences they are reluctant to put time or energy into getting to know someone new, and this may come across as apathy towards dating. At the end of the day if you really do want a relationship, don't forget to allow yourself to get a little vulnerable if you meet someone you like and have chemistry with.

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My question about having too thick of skin comes from my feeling that I could care less either way what happens.

 

This is, in my opinion, the ideal headspace to be in.

 

I would not even call it "thick skin." I would call it genuine openness, even genuine optimism, meaning you are genuinely open to whatever might come, be it a mediocre conversation over a glass of wine or a fantastic chat followed by a hot kiss after a glass of wine.

 

Both are 100 percent okay—and, at least early, not really so different. And that's the key, in early dating: that neither the "bad" or the "good" experience throws you too fast or too far too quickly. Because you are you, solid regardless. You are secure and intimate with yourself, so you're not needing a pixilated match and meet-up to be the thing that solves everything.

 

It is the icing, not the cake. And, if it doesn't come, so what? How good is that cake on its own!?

 

Speaking for myself, I've gotten into my best relationships—be they years long or shorter—when I have this attitude and meet someone with a shared attitude. I swipe around, I chat on an app, I have a drink—all without projecting a million hopes onto four pictures of a beautiful woman, twelve clever text bubbles, a few hours of IRL intimacy. Whatever comes comes. If it's good I'll lean in more—the skin as been ed, and it feels good enough to allow for some more ing. If not, I'll go back to doing me.

 

On the contrary, when I'm feeling a little insecure, lonely, and desperate to connect I might have a different attitude. I might be more like my best friend, who sends me screen shots of Bumble chats convinced he's met the coolest woman on the planet—followed, often, by the dread of meeting said woman and realizing, alas, she was just a woman on the planet, not quite as cool as the story his expectations spun. He'd gotten married in his head, and is now divorcing, in effect. (And, of course, she may very well have been super cool, but it's hard to compete with lofty expectations, you know?)

 

So, yeah, you're good. You're open to love, your heart is beating—bravo. Nothing sweeter. That's the vulnerability to be shared with the person who s the skin. But your heart is healthy. The "thick skin," in a sense, is to protect the open heart—a kind of layer around it that allows it to keep beating, to stay hungry without being starving as you wade into and through the waters of potential connection.

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There was a time I felt that sense urgency and that in itself steered me in all the wrong directions. I caught myself dating those I never might have before and gave up a lot of my valuable time doing so.

 

It wasn't until I got to where you are right now that things turned around for me.

I don't think it's that you don't care or you're too thick skinned. You are probably more at peace with yourself than you ever have been.

 

Having a partner would be nice, but it isn't absolutely necessary. It's the difference between *wanting a partner or *needing a partner.

It's the best place to be, honestly. Win/Win

 

The last time I did online dating, I scanned my demographic for a couple days, felt somewhat uninterested and from there didn't log on for almost 3 weeks.

 

I had a busy summer and during a 9 hour drive home from a girls trip, I checked my emails. Buried a bunch of emails was one from the one man who I found attractive had emailed me 3 weeks prior.

 

A year and half later we are still together. I would never have guessed it, based on my attitude at the time.

 

Don't second guess yourself. Take your time.

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Wow!

 

Thank you all for such excellent and thought out advice. I really appreciate your efforts in responding.

 

I was somewhat disappointed in not being excited about women in my age range on Match. The woman I talked to last night is 8 years younger than I am which I figure 10 is about the maximum younger I will go unless they are really special and grounded.

 

I know I am much more patient and have passed on women I would have at least met or dated a few times the last time around. I don't want to waste anyone's time, including mine.

 

I received a lot of likes and some of the women had on their profile an age range that I fell out of (too old of course) so I am curious how hard is that line in the sand for women? So if I am 2 or 3 years older than what they say should I bother or just go on face value? I am not looking to date some 39 yr old but I would like to broaden search to increase my chances of meeting someone.

 

Lost

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I think if you got a like from them, then you are in the clear to contact them regardless of what parameters they have set. They are actively letting you know that they are interested. As for cold contacting those who haven't liked you or reached out to you and you fall out of their parameters, probably best that you don't bother. It's another one of those case by case things. Some people have it in stone, others will flex, or flex if they like your profile enough. It's really a case by case basis.

 

Personally, I think it's easier to flex on things when you meet a person in real life and you happen to click, but much more difficult when you are just looking at a screen.

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Why aren't you interested in women in your age range?

 

I am for sure interested in women closer to my age. I am certainly not one of those people that only put my preference lower in age. I received a message from a 60 yr old woman that looks interesting on the surface. I haven't had a chance to check her profile but I will keep an open mind for sure.

 

Interestingly enough in real life I am approached by much younger women that I have chosen not to flirt back with just because they are kind of young for me and it seems silly to pursue it. In real life we don't walk around with a sign proclaiming our age like we do online so people just take you for what they see. I try and do that online...

 

Lost

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My question about having too thick of skin comes from my feeling that I could care less either way what happens. When I did this all those years ago I felt like there was more urgency but now I don't have that in the least. I do want to have someone in my life and fall in love again for sure but I can't help but feel it is different this time around. I didn't intentionally prepare myself or physc myself into not caring as much so I am curious where it came from...

 

Hello Lost, great to see you. Sounds like a combo plate of maturity, reasonable contentment with your Self, and removal of fantasy from the process.

 

Maturity is a natural acceptance of 'what is' today--an accumulation of experience that buffers fears and takes some of the edge off of anxiety, which younger people confuse for excitement. Self-contentment allows you to view the process through a tempered lens that isn't driven by an urgent need to latch onto every potential contact as a life changer. Removal of fantasy allows for realistic and clear vision.

 

You're in a good place, because you're not charging this up in ways that prompt people to view meeting strangers as saviors. You don't know them yet, so you're not psyching yourself up with the stuff that can only get in your way.

 

Good job!

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Hello Lost, great to see you. Sounds like a combo plate of maturity, reasonable contentment with your Self, and removal of fantasy from the process.

 

Maturity is a natural acceptance of 'what is' today--an accumulation of experience that buffers fears and takes some of the edge off of anxiety, which younger people confuse for excitement. Self-contentment allows you to view the process through a tempered lens that isn't driven by an urgent need to latch onto every potential contact as a life changer. Removal of fantasy allows for realistic and clear vision.

 

You're in a good place, because you're not charging this up in ways that prompt people to view meeting strangers as saviors. You don't know them yet, so you're not psyching yourself up with the stuff that can only get in your way.

 

Good job!

 

I get what you are saying and thank you. I have built a pretty good life and would like to share that with a special woman, not fill a void but to be a wonderful addition to each others lives.

 

I guess this is a new place so it seemed strange...

 

Lost

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  • 4 weeks later...

So some of you wanted me to post an update once in a while so here it is:

 

Recap: I have been on Match since February and saw a few women on POF that I didn't see on Match so I refreshed my old profile on there and it has been visible about 2 weeks.

 

I have received maybe 75 to 90 likes on Match with about 4-5 I was interested in. ( I don't take much stock in "Likes" or "Meet Me" but it does show interest from them)

I have sent out only 3 messages and got replies to 2, texted, talked on the phone and met both. First one we hit it off well but I was on the fence about her so we made a dinner date which she cancelled the day before with a "I don't think we are a match" text. I was totally okay with it. Second one she was really great but there was no spark from me so I let her know.

 

I have received about 20 to 30 messages on Match and 10 to 15 on POF so far but unfortunately have only been interested in a few. I will be possibly meeting someone I have been talking to this Friday, haven't nailed down the actual meet yet.

 

All in all the advice I have received has helped me a great deal so thank you all. If I get a message and I am not interested I just delete it and move on. I am realistic in my expectations and I know what I am looking for and best of all I am not kidding myself meeting women I know don't interest me. Both meets in person I was not nervous in the least and had a relaxed good time meeting someone new.

 

I am taking my time and don't feel rushed or like there is some urgency to meet someone which is really nice. Best of all I sent out 2 messages on POF (they were the reason I got back on there) and didn't get a response and it didn't phase me at all.

 

If nothing else I feel like getting back into online dating has helped me in real life. Many times in the recent past women have flirted with me and it went right over my head for what ever reason but now it feels like that portion of my radar is active again...

 

I feel pretty fortunate to get so much attention doing OLD so I have nothing to complain about that is for sure.

 

Lost

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Sounds like you're doing great—wading in slowly, with intention, feeling it out, not reacting too intensely to the various winds of dating.

 

Small piece of advice, to take or discard as desired: I'd consider allowing the aperture to maybe open a bit on who you deem you're "interested in" when it just comes to the screen. Those messages you're ignoring? Maybe, down the line, reply to some that you're not so sure about...

 

Because, well, who knows? As meeting up with those you were "interested" shows, you never really know then, either, so...

 

Speaking only for myself, when I'm in the sweet spot when it comes to online dating I tend to be open to seeing what's what over a glass of wine with just about anyone. Within reason, of course, but even when I've met up with someone I didn't think I was too interested in—and, yeah, promptly discovered I really was not interested—I don't think of those experiences as a wash or waste.

 

Why? Because they are real, away from screens, and on some subtle but critical frequency remind us that "online dating" is, really, just using "online" to go on dates. Keeps expectations in check, keeps us being enriched by three dimensional world—and, hey, just because the click isn't there doesn't mean you don't have a nice time meeting up, chatting, sharpening those tools, and so on.

 

But great attitude, and thanks for the update!

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Sounds like you're doing great—wading in slowly, with intention, feeling it out, not reacting too intensely to the various winds of dating.

 

Small piece of advice, to take or discard as desired: I'd consider allowing the aperture to maybe open a bit on who you deem you're "interested in" when it just comes to the screen. Those messages you're ignoring? Maybe, down the line, reply to some that you're not so sure about...

 

Because, well, who knows? As meeting up with those you were "interested" shows, you never really know then, either, so...

 

Speaking only for myself, when I'm in the sweet spot when it comes to online dating I tend to be open to seeing what's what over a glass of wine with just about anyone. Within reason, of course, but even when I've met up with someone I didn't think I was too interested in—and, yeah, promptly discovered I really was not interested—I don't think of those experiences as a wash or waste.

 

Why? Because they are real, away from screens, and on some subtle but critical frequency remind us that "online dating" is, really, just using "online" to go on dates. Keeps expectations in check, keeps us being enriched by three dimensional world—and, hey, just because the click isn't there doesn't mean you don't have a nice time meeting up, chatting, sharpening those tools, and so on.

 

But great attitude, and thanks for the update!

 

I agree with the bold, not because I think you should lower your standards but because I think its possible and was potentially overlooked that you've gone too far too the other end of the spectrum and now, no ones good enough, in a way, keeping you safe. You get to enjoy the ego boost of messages and rejecting while never having to actually open yourself up.

 

If this is the case, which I'm not saying it is necessarily, but if you think it might be and thats why youre asking:

 

Is it possible to have too thick of a skin Online Dating?

 

Then the answer is actually yes

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Thank you for the advice.

 

I know that I don't want to discount someone with a snap judgment from a profile so I often take a few days, re-read their profile and yes look over the pictures again making sure I am sure. A woman I met just recently I really wanted to have that spark ignited but it didn't happen unfortunately. Looking over her profile I wasn't so sure but I was interested for sure so we met. I don't want to have regrets that is for sure...

 

In the past I have been pleasantly surprised so I am trying to keep an open mind.

 

I was supposed to meet someone new Saturday that didn't happen. She had messaged me but something wasn't right from the start. I kept having the feeling that she was not who she said she was. When we spoke on the phone she seemed sincere and real but it didn't stop the feeling I had. I am pretty sure my gut was right (Always trust your gut) Her reason was that her and her ex-husband were going to work things out but interestingly enough she is still on Match. Either way it was just another one of those experiences that didn't phase me much. Head scratcher yes but not much else which is a good sign.

 

I do appreciate the outside perspectives you all give me.

 

Lost

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