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Thread: Would you take someone back?

  1. #11

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately he may be on the rebound. He was simply not up for the intensity you wanted at 8 mos of dating. Such as having no autonomy or guaranteeing "100% commitment". Don't jump in this much then feel "used". It's that simple.

    To be honest after dating only 8 mos no one can give you this much reassurance. You'll have to wait, take one step at a time and take some risks. However everything is a learning experience and trying to lock someone down (especially someone who's on the rebound) this hard and fast, unfortunately, as you saw backfires.

    I think you kind of searched my words for ways to make it look like I was being unreasonable but it's not really a reflection of the reality. The things I was describing as designed to give him autonomy were odd by probably anyone's standards in a relationship of 9 months. For example, going through the sudden death of a close relative and attending the funeral without even mentioning it - so this is a strange level of secrecy as you would normally mention this to anyone, much less your girlfriend. Or booking a vacation (with his kids so nothing like single guys having fun) and knowing about it for two months and not telling me until he was on his way to the airport. Stuff like that, which to me were massive red flags of a person who was deliberately distancing and saying "hey I might be sleeping here every night but you are not the boss of me and you have no right to my info!, rather than a case of me wanting too much too soon. As a side note: I could not have cared less if he was going on vacation or anything else, this was not about that. He did these things so he didn't feel too much like he was in a relationship. Which he admits is the truth.

    @wolfshoock you are probably right on that one. I do wish people would approach dating with a better sense of self awareness rather than these sudden "too late" realisations that they have nothing to offer to the person who just invested a chunk of their life.

  2. #12
    Sounds like a very serious conversation needs to be had by you two. You need to figure out what both of you clearly want and then decide if being together is the best and healthy thing for the both of you. Once the decision is made then be sure to stick to it for at least a ;little while.... If things change and both of you can be fully committed to each other then go for it. Are you looking to settle down and marry this guy?

  3. #13
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    I would but not after more time has passed so you don't do rinse repeat. I wanted to get back together with my boyfriend after a month of being apart. We'd been very serious -yes, a wedding was imminent. He was so into me for so long and he said "no." He said it would be romantic but nothing would change - after a short while I'd have doubts again, etc. 7 years and 7 months later, after having limited contact during those years and seeing each other in person over a year prior, we met for a friendly catch up dinner. Sparks flew. We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary recently and our son is now 10 years old. We were different people when we got back together and in ways that complemented each other. At that point he wanted to get back together -meaning, I did, too but he raised the issue first 3 weeks after that dinner.

    So I would wait - not 7 years but I would wait until you two can figure out what changed while you were apart so that he thinks that this time it will work. Missing you is of course very relevant and it's not enough!

    Edited to add -one time I did take someone back after a few weeks. He broke up with me abruptly after we'd dated seriously for 2 years. Devastating. I didn't know he was unhappy. Or maybe I was too buried in grad school exams to notice. Anyway a few weeks later I come home from my first day of my summer internship. He is waiting at my parents' home where I was living- waiting for hours so he could beg me to get back together. That now he wanted it all -eventual marriage/children/house. We were in our early 20s. I was really happy of course (and no we did not have sex that night or anything -that was not what it was about). The next day - after I'd told everyone - couldn't contain myself -he called me and said in a dejected voice that he realized he didn't want me back, that he couldn't give me what I wanted, that if we got back together he'd hurt me again. We got back together briefly once more then, about 6 months later, for a longer time.

    At the end of that time he proposed. And I realized -before he proposed- which was a huge surprise - that marriage to him would feel lonely -that his coldness/distance was exciting but not sustaining for the long term. I ended things that night. And later I found out why he was distant, why it didn't work. Because he was lying to himself about being gay (no, no signs, yes, active sex life, awesome chemistry). I found it about 10 years later when he told me. He's been happily coupled and married to a man for over 20 years now. My takeaway - don't do the back and forth thing because it becomes its own drama, you don't really get to know each other again if one of you is waiting for the other shoe to drop - be careful about why you're getting back together and the timing. Certainly the gay part is unusual but it could be anything that is a dealbreaker that you ignore because you're too focused on "making it work"

  4. #14
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This is a personal thing, and each person would have their own feeling on what should be decided. You need to ask yourself "Am I willing to risk it? Risk my time, my investment, my heart and feelings just to be with him? can I trust him enough that he will pull through?"

    My personal assessment...no I would not waste my time. I want a man that is confident to know he wants to be with me 100% and to commit 100%.

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  6. #15
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    "He didn't cheat on me, or ever once treat me badly (actually the opposite, he was a lovely boyfriend) but after we got to the point where it was going to turn into a long term commitment he said he wasn't ready."

    --

    This^ is telling. Sounds like he has serious commitment issues, and no those issues do not go away without serious introspection, self-analysis and perhaps even therapy to help resolve.

    Or even with distance and space, even though this is likely what he believes, hence why he regrets his decision and wants to come back.

    Of course he regrets it, and wants to come back; after you broke up, the space and distance took the pressure off, alleviating his anxiety and he got a chance to miss you! To "long" for you. To believe his decision was hasty and regret it.

    Be very careful here Carrie, because it's quite likely that once he's back, it's only a matter of time before his fears and anxieties return, he can't deal with the "pressure" and responsibilities of what a true commitment entails and he wants to bolt again.

    I have a friend who went through this back and forth, hot/cold, push/pull with her commitmentphobe bf for seven years!

    Until he bolted for good leaving her utterly devastated.

    You sound very smart! Stay with that.

    For me, knowing what I do now about commitment fears and anxieties, no I would not go back.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately the bottom line is the same. You were more invested than he was. He shouldn't be sleeping there every night. Too much, too soon. He had his foot on the brakes and you had your foot on the accelerator. Just incompatible.

    When he was shutting you out and compartmentalizing you into the "last to know, need to know basis" is when you should have called it quits. So in retrospect it was not "a really lovely relationship that was built on kindness and affection and trust" at all. That is what you wanted and wished it had been. However someone who shuts you out on a regular basis is none of these things.
    Originally Posted by CarrieN
    "hey I might be sleeping here every night but you are not the boss of me and you have no right to my info!

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