Break up - am I a fool to not realise she didn't want me?

I broke up with my girlfriend last week after being together three years.

Towards the end of last year things started to become increasingly frustrating. She told me end of last year that she doesn't know if she's happy anymore, that she thinks we've grown apart and asked me if I think we would ever get back to how we were. Amongst that I would get frustrated because I thought she wasn't making too much of an effort to see me. I would ask her if she wanted to be with me and she would say something like I have never said I didn't. Anyway, I told her that I thought we could get back to the old ways. She was never sure. I even gave her time to think, we had a few days of no contact so that she can think what she wants to do. I told her I wanted to try but she has to know what she wants. The first time after a think she told me she didn't want to break up and that she didn't what to waste everything we had built up. So after that we had some time together etc, but she would hardly speak to me, only after a while of being out together would she start to talk properly. It would be me constantly trying to make conversation. Things then slipped away again and she had more time alone alone to think afterwards she still didn't know. Around Christmas I would ask to see her, I occasionally would but she said Christmas was a busy time for her. I asked her to spend time with me and she would say she had had stuff with family etc. Then when I would get disappointed she would, it's okay I'll cancel plans then otherwise im a bad person..I would then say not to cancel her plans, and would say I want you to come out because you want to see me not because you think you should. I convinced her to have a day with me just the two of us to prove we could be good. It worked and she admitted herself we were good. That lasted a few weeks. We would bicker again about little thing, I would get frustrated and ask her to do stuff, again it would be I'll let you know, most of the time I had to ask again for an answer. But then all of a sudden she would achange and be different towards me. We would still kiss, she messaged me everyday to see how I was etc. But I would ask again to see her and she would say she had stuff on. At this point I gave up hope. I stopped putting effort in and I told her I feel it's me asking all the time, that if I didn't ask we wouldn't she eachother.

She would apologise, say that she's upset and say she fed up of getting everything wrong? I tried to convince her it's all not all her fault. She would never really believe me. she also said things like I'd be better off without her and if that I feel She doesn't like me anymore that maybe I'm better off without her... eventually she asked me if this was working to which I replied it doesn't seem to be. We decided to part our ways. She apologised and I did, and she agreed to keep in touch.

After couple of days I was in bad place. I sent a letter saying I was sorry we broke up, that I said who knows we may feel different in a 6 months and if she wanted to meet in a little while then she knows where I am. That I love her and care for her and if she needs to talk she knows where's Iam. She replied thanking me and said who knows in a few months and who knows what will happen in the future. We text few times then I cut off saying speak soon. i want her back but should I go no contact? I'm totally confused.

I dated someone like this. He always seemed unsure if he really wanted to be in the relationship and was avoidant when conflicts occurred. Towards the end, the same wishy washy dance happened. All of it triggered my anxieties and insecurities, just as it has for you, and I walked away wondering if he ever really cared.

I don't think you really want her back. You recognize her treatment of you became poor and that she wasn't committed. However, you still crave that approval and reassurance that she loved you, wanted you, etc. You may care about her, but it's not really love, it's you being stuck in an unhealthy pattern of chasing this woman. In time, you'll be relieved it's finished.

Oh, and definitely go and stay NC. Just don't do it to get her back. The relationship is dead and done.

Sorry to hear this. Were you long distance? Was there someone else in the picture for her? Do not hang out in the friendzone or confusedzone. Yes stay no contact, not to get her back but to clear your head and reflect on what is really happening. It sounds like you've grown apart. What was all the bickering about?

Why such a struggle to see one another? Was this relationship primarily electronic?

When a woman tells you you'd be better off without her, she's totally done with you and has lost all feelings. It means she is okay picturing you with another woman, so I wouldn't hope for reconciliation. A man I was with for 3 years would be included in the major part of my Christmas plans--another telling clue you'd been shoved way back onto the back burner as far as her priorities go.

You're at the toughest part of the break up where your romantic partner has been totally severed from your life. It probably feels to you as though gradual separation with occasional contact will help you, but in fact that will prevent closure and will add to your hurt when she doesn't reply how you thought she would.

A person who cares will work on problems with their partner instead of dumping them. She has freed you to eventually find a woman who is so crazy about you, she will never let you go. Take a good year solo to mourn, heal, and pamper yourself. Good for you for not settling. You've learned what is important to you in a relationship, so stick to your goals.

It sounds like she let her neediness and insecurities get the best of her and perhaps was transferring that onto the relationship vs. taking responsibility for her feelings.

You can't carry the weight of the relationship on your own, and you have no control over whether or not she decides she wants to be with you. Best thing to do in these scenarios is usually no contact because it gives you both the space you need to process your feelings.... at the end of the day though you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want.

Thanks for the comments. It's gutting to think she didn't really want to be with me in the end. I guess I was just trying to not think about it or in denial.

It was hard to do things together because she would be busy. But on the other hand there would be times where she would make time. But I asked over and over for her to do the same thing and she would always have stuff planned. She would then say she will cancel her plans and come out with me because otherwise she looks like a bad person... I would tell her not to and I want her to see me because she wants to not because she feels she has too...

This would start the bickering and she would say that I think that she doesn't want to see me, or that she can't get it right etc. This then made me feel bad. All I wanted was to do things with her. We would text everyday so it was electronic yes also.

We weren't long distance and I do t believe there was another guy. I certainly don't know about one anyway... I don't think she's that type of girl.

Unfortunately I fell for her. Badly. The bickering etc just seems so insignificant now. She was a great girlfriend on the beginning and we had a true connection. At least I felt that anyway. I just wish she would of told me her true feelings instead of having to read between the lines alot.

You're not a fool, OP. You were a guy in love trying to make it work and not wanting to face the reality of the situation, which is that she had checked out. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're human and it hurts when we know we're to face a break-up.

She is right that you will better off without her, simply because she knows she doesn't reciprocate your feelings any longer and it's not fair to you to stay together. I know she didn't phrase it like that but it's true. She wanted out and didn't have the courage to be direct and admit it, rather than trying to shift the blame on to you.

Thanks for the reassurance. I'm just finding it hard to believe it's over and she's gone.

I hate the fact I'm feeling like this when she is probably not giving me a second thought.

Maybe I was too soft. I put her first before anything, she shared my hobbies and that was brilliant.

I know I can't force her to like me. At the end I was so tired of trying I gave up. I think I knew it was coming and a week or two before it happened I was so fed up I was numb of feelings I said to myself I wouldn't be too disappointed if we ended.

How wrong I was.

 

I would feel bad when she would come out because it felt I was almost being an annoyance.

I just wanted to see her. I was committed to making the relationship work again.

She would still be affectionate to me, kiss me, hold hands etc. That's maybe what gave me the hope or confusion of it all.