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Thread: Just got dumped, i feel like dying. Do i fall in love too easily?

  1. #1
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    Just got dumped, i feel like dying. Do i fall in love too easily?

    Hey everyone, It's been a while since I was in here, but I really need to vent, and I ask for your help, somehow.. (Still a bit confused)

    I've been single for 3 years now, and I've spent most of that time on myself, getting to know myself, love myself, and find myself again after my last relationship, and It has been so great, I have evolved more in the last couple years than ever I think. I have been on tinder and other dating apps for a long time, but never really doing anything with it except for texting with people, I kinda needed contact with the other sex in some way, and I wasnt getting out much, where that otherwise could happen.

    So recently, about 3 weeks ago, I matched with a girl on tinder, and the conversation just evolved naturally and quickly, and it seemed so great. We decided to meet last friday, after long conversations for about 2 weeks. She lives about 38 miles away from me, which we both knew when we matched. It wasnt a problem. I drove to her place friday, and spent the night. We kissed a bit, no sex or anything, but it was so great. Saturday she decides not to go to a birthday, to spent the saturday with me as well. Same as friday, we didnt do anything really, except for having a good time and talking alot.

    Sunday I drive home, and that night she starts texting me that she thinks we should drop it all now, because she feels like she wanted to see me again that night, but the distance made it annoying to just come over for a few hours you know, atleast for her. (I did not mind the distance at all) We talk alot, and she decides not to make any decisions yet, cause she is confused wether it really is because of the distance or if its something else bugging her, but she felt wierd about the whole thing.

    The day after I suggest I come over, and buy her sushi, and we go for a walk on the beach and such, she likes the idea and thats what happened. I spent the night at her place again, nothing happened, other than good company.. really good company.
    Now I came home from her yesterday, and few hours after arriving home, she calls me and tells me we need to stop seeing eachother, and that she has made her decision. She is scared of what might happend in the future cause of the distance between us, instead of just being in the now, and enjoying what we have, and see if the future would make us live closer to eachother, (If we start loving eachother, love will find a way to be close right?) But she kept thinking it was too annoying and doomed to die, so she wanted to cut the chord early.


    Now I am sitting here, with a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach.. I've cried for a whole hour this night, barely slept. I cried again alot this morning. I feel like she was really special, we connected on so many levels, and I am someone who is turned on more by personality than by looks, so I dont feel like its easy for me to just find another tinderdate like her. Sure i could find someone that looks as good as her, but i just feel so connected, so fast to her personality, and who she was.. In these short days I've known her, I feel like I've fallen in love. I kinda hate it, I dont want to feel like this, I dont want to fall in love this quick, it hurts too much. I feel like turning my whole life upside down just to move to her city, but i know that the ACTION of doing that, would prolly doom our relationship more than the distance ever would.. (It seems too desperate, and yeah you know)

    I tried telling her that first of all the distance is really not that bad, and secondly no one says it will allways be that. But it didnt help.

    I feel so alone, and for a minute there, i didnt. Now i feel completely left behind and alone again. If i didnt have my dog, I can't imagine what id do.

    Why does it feel like i get connected too fast to people? Why did i fall in love to quickly? What should i do?? I feel hopeless, sad, and even though i've been so happy the last year, it all feels so worthless now, cause i kinda thought i found someone.. It feels like we both like eachother, but that its a silly thing like a small distance (a drive of 40 minutes in rush hour or 30 minutes outside of it) that has to destroy that opportunity..

    Sorry im going on for too long now.. It felt good to write down.

    Thanks for listening, if anyone does.

    Wish you all a great day :)

    //

    EDIT; I realize some may find it wierd that i consider it being dumped, when we never really got "started"... but it felt like it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I think the issue is simply that you are lonely right now. It seems like a non-issue, but it's not. It really affects your perception of everything.

    I thought this was an interesting video on the subject:


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    Of course there could be another reason that she doesn't want to see you, and by that I mean a reason that isn't connected to you at all, but instead is something she's dealing with in her past.

    However let's presume the major issue for her is the distance. After all that's what she said, and you have to take people as you find them.

    For you ~40 miles / minutes isn't a big deal, for her it is. You shouldn't have to try to convince her to change her mind on that. Instead you have to focus only on what you can control. Your response to the situation.

    It sucks, I know because next month she might find someone who lives 50 miles away and she would be ok with it. But right now, she's said she has a limit, and that's all there is to it.

    I think you hinted at it but the more you try to convince her, the more you push her away. There isn't a secret strategy or something you can do to win her over. She has to decide for herself.

    My advice would be to remember that despite this great connection, you can meet someone else, who you feel an equal or better connection too.

    Sounds like you've made some great steps forward over the past three years so while this is a step back, it's not a step back to square one. It's more like three steps forward, one step back. Now is the time to be thankful for the experience with this girl, and rather than get stuck here, continue the momentum forward and further forward with the next. Best of luck! 🙂

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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I think the issue is simply that you are lonely right now. It seems like a non-issue, but it's not. It really affects your perception of everything.

    I thought this was an interesting video on the subject:


    Thank you so much for that video, it was really interesting. I don't consider loneliness a non-issue at all, I've been battling it for years and years (momentarily filling it up with a girlfriend a couple of times over the last decade) And only recently, last couple years have I become self aware and been trying to help myself. That's why I feel like I have moved a long way, and I try to focus on that, but one of my big issues is, that I don't neccessarily believe in "the one" but I do believe there are very few, maybe a handful out there that ticks me the way that my ex did. The way that this girl did. I am not turned on by looks, as much as a perfectly flawed personality, and that makes it harder to feel like theres anyone out there LIKE her for example. I can find someone that looks as good as her, or like her, but her flaws, and the small things..

    And I know that kind of thinking may be a result of loneliness and low self esteem, but I still get that hopeless feeling of a big big big love, getting away because of me either not being good enough, or a thing like distance :(

    Im a bit confused when writing this, but I'll post it anyway

    ags13
    Of course there could be another reason that she doesn't want to see you, and by that I mean a reason that isn't connected to you at all, but instead is something she's dealing with in her past.

    However let's presume the major issue for her is the distance. After all that's what she said, and you have to take people as you find them.

    For you ~40 miles / minutes isn't a big deal, for her it is. You shouldn't have to try to convince her to change her mind on that. Instead you have to focus only on what you can control. Your response to the situation.

    It sucks, I know because next month she might find someone who lives 50 miles away and she would be ok with it. But right now, she's said she has a limit, and that's all there is to it.

    I think you hinted at it but the more you try to convince her, the more you push her away. There isn't a secret strategy or something you can do to win her over. She has to decide for herself.

    My advice would be to remember that despite this great connection, you can meet someone else, who you feel an equal or better connection too.

    Sounds like you've made some great steps forward over the past three years so while this is a step back, it's not a step back to square one. It's more like three steps forward, one step back. Now is the time to be thankful for the experience with this girl, and rather than get stuck here, continue the momentum forward and further forward with the next. Best of luck! 🙂

    I am aware that the distance thing is related to her previous relationship with a soldier who she couldnt see for months and months, and thats the only "long-distance" she has tried, so she can only compare it to that, and feels like its gonna be just like that. She told me this, she was very open about it, even tho she felt confused and wasnt sure.

    Yeah, the thought that she might find someone else who lives 50 miles away, and is okay with it, is soooooooo.. ouch.

    I really do appriciate the experience with her, and I dont regret meeting her at all, I'm not sure what it is.. Maybe it comes down to me not being able to handle rejection, but i feel like it would be easier if it was clear to me that she just didnt like my nose, or she thought I was too tall or something.. But like this, it feels.. different..


    Thanks alot for your replies, really!! so much appreciated

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You did not date at a normal pace. Your first meet up shouldn't have gone on longer than 3 hours. If it only took 30 minutes to get to her place, that is nothing, and not a LDR. Spending the amount of time you two did when you don't even know each other ended up feeling smothering and overwhelming to her, even if she agreed to the arrangement at the time. That amount of time shouldn't have happened until after several months, gradually building up to that lengthy amount of time.

    If you do not have a fulfilling life at the moment, with time spent with guy friends and family and with hobbies/interests, she could probably sense that she would be the sole center of your social world and it's something that scared her. I'm guessing this is what your life is lacking, since you're taking a break up with a girl you barely know as being devastating.

    My advice: You're not ready to date until you have a support system of friends and having a hobby you can enjoy/be passionate about. Therefore, a woman will want to be a part of your joy but not be the sole source of it. It's not fair for women on a dating app when you're using them as pen pals and have no intention of asking anyone out. Don't use women for selfish needs. I've been on the other end of that pen pal situation when I was on OLD and it wasted my time.

    When you're ready to date, do it at a normal pace, so it has a higher chance at success. It usually takes dating a boatload of people before finding a woman who meets all of your main needs. I had to go on dates with 30 men on OLD before finding my husband. There will be another woman you have chemistry with and ticks all your boxes, but it will be harder if you're putting up barriers in your mind like how hard it'll be to find another woman equal to this lady.

    No, it's not easy. It takes a lot of effort to achieve goals. It's almost a full time job. After you've recouped, go on more dates and date smarter. Expand to meet up.com groups for a less stressful way of meeting single women in your age group, getting to know them at a more gradual pace. Seek therapy if you're so depressed that it affects your daily life, and especially if suicide enters your mind. Take care.


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