Were we meant to be or am I just in fear?

Dear All

I broke up with my ex of 2 years, 6 months ago. Every morning I wake up missing her and comparing myself to her.

She is an ambitious woman with a curvy hip and pretty, loving, caring, cheeky look on her face.

I have been with 2 women before her, and according to her account she has been with 1 man, but actually often it is hard to believe that as she partied a lot in her early 20s and she also played handball in the local team semi-professionally. I think she has had some flings before me.

I am 28, I graduated in business and economics, but I always wanted to have a more creative job, I have been playing music for 15 years. She is a translator, works as a translation agency project manager, studies to be a massage therapist. All these jobs and professions to me feel like she creates real connections with people, who appreciate her for that. She is the most conscientious person I have ever known.

I de-value myself a lot, but I broke up with her after 2 years because I haven't been with enough women. Although I travelled Europe and North America for 3 years I haven't been flirting much, although I did have fun, just enjoying nature and talking to strangers.

I think i have frustrations from my childhood, I don't want to end up like my father who has cheated on ym Mom with 6 other women, even impregnating other women while with my Mom, he was also an alcoholic and diagnosed with mental illness.

So the question is, whether I made the right move to break up with her, when she definitely doesn't have so many regrets that she didn't have enough fun with other women and my main motivation is to have a bit more flings and sexual experiences. Her facebook is full of posts about being drunk with her friends in her early twenties, then she says she had enough parties. I never had a group of friends who I could go out with on a regular basis, I just had 1-on-1 beers with my buddies.

I feel something's wrong with me and I might be just chasing some illusions. I still love her, but I cannot be with her like this I feel I'm living a lie, because I constantly have great lust for other women. But now the bar is set very high and the decent women who would fit me who are at least 23 and up are finding their partners and are not available.

I live in a big city of 2 million people, so there are opportunities, but I am studying a new bachelor on remote education - which sometimes I feel is not even the right choice for me to change a career - I would rather go for a masters in marketing to meet like-minded similar age women.

Anyways, I will try to socialize, but every morning for 6 months she came to my mind, and then I see how she is having fun with colleagues and with her new massage courses on facebook. She was deeply in love with me, she was always more in love with me then I was with her, but I love her too, it's just that I have doubts about our future.

I know I am not an easy situation, but I just need some hope that I did the right thing, because I could be hanging on to her and convincing myself that she is the perfect oen for me, but I tried that and then the doubts deep down remained. Of course I wish I had more fun in my early 20s, or example I haven't asked a girl out on a date before I was 24, I lost my virginity once I was 25.

I wish I could let go all these fears and frustrations, just be happy with the goofy, creative, philosophical, adventureous, spontaneous person I once was and just be glad for this woman I had in my life, without feeling jealous for her accomplishments and how she connects with others on a deep level. I try to meditate, work-out, play music, do art, go out, but sometimes nothing seems to work against feeling lonely and messed up. I have a hard time acknowledging my achievements and I keep comparing myself to that she is living without regrets, when I chose a career in business out of love for mathematics and history, but out of fear that music wouldn't provide me a living. She went after translation even though that also neither a high paying profession. I did well in my studies, but now I am really trying to shape things without wanting to meet other people's and society's expectations, just mine, it takes time.

She was the first love of my life, with love, sex, our families getting to know each other, building memories and trying to plan long term (with doubts involved on both sides). I don't have a role model in my family on how a decent relationship looks like, because all relationships are a bit messed up around me in my family. She also has more friends than me, and her friends were more successful in their fields as me.

I am definately overthinking and I just want to have fun. At 28 I know I am not too old to have fun still, but it can feel overwhelming to force having fun on myself. I just have to accept my past, which is not that horrible. I am still in good health, I try to eat healthy and I do some exercise ca. twice a week. I want to use my creative, manly energies, and face any difficulty without being drowned in random regrets. I am checking her facebook automatically on autopilot everyday which doesn't help, but I still love her - but I don't know if a greater love can exist out there - especially a greater love for myself. A great love would make me feel alive and not regret anything, right? Also I would have never thought that she is too square and rigid for me - although she was the one who had more fun and her main profession is more creative than mine, but still I am a musician and I am a more spontaneous person. She had her next 6 months planned in a spreadsheet all the time while I was lucky if I had a plan for my next 2 weeks.

What if this is just a test if I can build faith in myself, but we will find our way back to each other one day as friends? Because we both treated each other and our friends, family with so much caring, family is so important to both of us. So we didn't have entirely different values.

I want to feel myself again to be a cool guy, who can be proud of his persistence in whatever he does, like before. I want to stop this cycle. I wish to overcome the pattern that I saw in my family that real happiness is rather through being single and dealing with your own business. I want to have faith in in relationships and that putting effort in overcoming difficulties is actually the right way. I blame myself with escaping difficulties that should have been overcome to make it work. She wants me to have faith in myself and and in my direction. This is achieved by not wanting to fit other people's expectations but only mine, for what kind of life I imagine for myself. Now I have the opportunity to build a new life. Inner peace creates outer peace - and that is what makes someone attractive.

The grass is greener where you water it...not on the other side. Pretty sad that you'd rather live your life boxed in my some societal norm about men's sex lives than be with the woman you love.

In my experience once she gets over you it's done forever, so I wouldn't count on her sitting and waiting for you while you f#@k your way around the world.

Some young people around 27 or younger are not ready for love yet. Don't worry about it, everything will work out ok.

What is the big deal in "just" having been with 2 women before her and how is it your business or relevant if she had flings before you or not?

If you have a gnawing lust to be with other women then yes you did the right thing. Otherwise you may have found yourself cheating on her down the line and that would be worse, for both of you.

Like another poster said, she's getting on with her life and not waiting and pining for you. Sux for you now that you're having doubts and regrets.

However, I feel that if you were to get back together now, that gnawing feeling will most probably return at some point.

Also, trust has been broken and you may find SHE breaks up with YOU and that's gonna be a whole other world of hurt...!

Tough situation indeed but I think all you can do is move on for now with your life and studies and see what the future brings...

Carus*

If you want to play the field and be free, you did the right thing breaking up.

I broke up with her after 2 years because I haven't been with enough women.