Am I being too needy? How do I stop?

My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years, split up for 10 months where he was with someone else shortly after, and have now been back together for 8 months.

I really love him but because I love and value him so much I’m constantly worrying about losing him and I want to be with him most of the time. I can tell that I’m a very jealous and needy person when it comes to him, we’re both at the same uni and are basically living together ATM as I stay at his everynight but it feels like we don’t spend tons of time together because I have uni during the day and when I get back he usually wants to go out with friends.

I guess maybe I don’t understand because he’s very extroverted and loves to socialise and spend time with his friends whereas I don’t have many at uni and have found it hard to make new friends.

Anyway my point is I worry about him and our relationship a lot and I worry about other girls because I feel like they’d try it on with him. Like when we started uni I saw he had briefly messaged a girl on Snapchat who is doing the same degree and I was thinking why does he even have her on there? It just felt a bit wrong to me. I also feel like sometimes I get on his nerves and that he prefers being with the boys.

I know my boyfriend gets fed up of me making accusations and worrying that he’s going to leave me at some point, or that he is losing interest, etc.

How can I stop worrying? I’m trying my best not to. I also know it’s not healthy.

Sorry to hear this. Yes, therapy would help a lot to figure out what all the needy jealous clingy behavior is about. It will drive people away, as you have already seen.

You need your own life, OP. For you own sanity, first and foremost, and also for his.

Spending all your free time with him is creating unnecessary pressure on him to be there with you constantly, and too much togetherness is fatal to relationship when it's coming from a place of anxiety and fear. You would be wise to get out and make more effort to meet new people, join clubs or other campus activities - anything to give you a more balanced life. Even if you weren't already insecure about him, I would suggest this. Trust me when I say that a clingy girlfriend with no life quickly becomes a burden rather than a pleasure.

Also, you need to get a handle on your insecurity. Having a girl on Snapchat isn't a sign of cheating. If you're that fearful of him having any other girls around him, there is not enough trust here, which will make a relationship nearly impossible. You would have no need to worry about other girls trying to hit on him if you trust him enough to reject their advances. If you don't feel he would, that is the bigger problem to address.

Shifting focus for a moment, it does sound like you two have a rocky history which no doubt has been difficult rectify. Your anxiety is understandable, even if you're not dealing with it well. Why did you break up the first time? Why did you get back together?

I stay at his everynight but it feels like we don’t spend tons of time together because I have uni during the day and when I get back he usually wants to go out with friends.

Maybe the underlying reason for your insecurity is that you are not getting what you want out of this relationship.

It sounds like you want the kind of relationship where you both want to be with each other most of the time. But he wants the kind of relationship where he can be by himself or with his friends most of the time.

Neither way is right or wrong. It's just a matter of preference.

However, keep in mind that you can't change other people. You will probably never prefer what he prefers, and vice-versa.

Sometimes, it's just a mismatch.

Another thing: Being jealous is not good for your peace of mind. Have you always been this way?

Here's a thought for you: Maybe he gets off on it. Maybe he benefits from keeping you slightly off-balance at all times.

It's not like he wouldn't have noticed your jealous nature after dating you for a total of 2 years and 8 months. What is he still doing here, if he doesn't like it or benefit from it in some way?

Also, what was the deal with the 10-month break? How "shortly after" your break up did he start dating the other girl?

Maybe you aren't the crazy one. Maybe you're feeling this way because your gut is trying to tell you something.

Thank you for your great advice. I have always been a bit jealous but worse since after we broke up and got back together. I think it’s because he got with someone else so soon after me it wouldn’t surprise me if he did it again, and I know it would hurt, and how much it hurt me the first time.

Thank you for your great advice. We broke up the first time because we argued a lot, the break up was really bad because I was so heartbroken. What made it worse was him moving on so fast. I feel like maybe that’s why my anxieties this time around are so much worse. I find it hard to do my own thing because I don’t find much pleasure out of activities or hanging out with friends, I don’t know what I’d enjoy doing.

Thank you for your great advice. We broke up the first time because we argued a lot, the break up was really bad because I was so heartbroken. What made it worse was him moving on so fast. I feel like maybe that’s why my anxieties this time around are so much worse. I find it hard to do my own thing because I don’t find much pleasure out of activities or hanging out with friends. I haven’t really met anyone I click with at uni but I do have some good friends at home.

Even when we broke up I would just talk to other boys and go out drinking at the weekend, I was unsatisfied. I did do a lot of fitness though which made me feel better but I do generally think I became very depressed and lonely.

Thank you for your great advice. We broke up the first time because we argued a lot, the break up was really bad because I was so heartbroken. What made it worse was him moving on so fast. I feel like maybe that’s why my anxieties this time around are so much worse. I find it hard to do my own thing because I don’t find much pleasure out of activities or hanging out with friends. I haven’t really met anyone I click with at uni but I do have some good friends at home.

Do you think part of the reason for that is because this relationship is causing you so much distress? It can be hard to focus on the people and activities in front of you if your mind is constantly worried about the state of things with a boyfriend.

What were the arguments about the led to the previous break-up?

He hurts you. Repeatedly. So why keep your hand in the fire? He dumped you for someone and sadly you took him back. Stop going out drinking. Find healthier activities. Find healthier friends and healthier guys to date. Find them by being healthier yourself. Also you need to see a doctor and therapist to uncover some underlying causes for your distress, depression, anxiety, etc.. Right now you are in a self-defeating self-destructive pattern making it worse with poor choices.. That can turn around for you. Get help. Start talking to someone.

Even when we broke up I would just talk to other boys and go out drinking at the weekend, I was unsatisfied. I do generally think I became very depressed and lonely.

He doesn’t do anything to hurt me, it’s just my own thoughts and feelings which I’m struggling to control. I love him and he makes me very happy. The drinking was just going out on the weekends with my friends. I have recently been put on anti depressants, I don’t really think a professional would take these worries seriously?

I completely agree, you’re probably right as well but I don’t know how to stop being so distressed. I love him and I want to be with him, it’s just a shame I seem to withdraw from other elements in my life. It just got to a point in our relationship the first time around where he stopped making effort and I think he took advantage of how much he knew I loved him. It was a bad break up. He didn’t want to be with me anymore and said some things that really stuck with me. At that point he said he “didn’t want to commit” and how he’s “too young” but now he says he wants this for good and that he made a mistake. I felt really betrayed.

Being a doormat is not the route to happiness for either of you. See your therapist and discuss your isolation, withdrawal, depression, low self esteem and other symptoms. Make an appt with your doctor to see if this medication is working at whatever does you are taking. You need to help yourself, that is your job not your bf's.

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.