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Thread: Emotional affair with co worker?

  1. #1

    Emotional affair with co worker?

    Hi, I am in a relationship with my boyfriend since a year and a half. About 6 months ago, I found out about a girl my boyfriend was working with. He had never told me about her but when he did he was blushing. I reflected this and said well you must find her cute you’re blushing! (That never ever usually happens with him, he seems to be very able to maintain a friendship with a women and not see women as sexual objects). He said that he did find her cute. I had an off feeling (because of his non verbal expressions) and asked him to tell me more. He was very evasive with answering my questions. For instance, I had to ask about 4-5 times «how often would you take your breaks with her at work?» before he gave me the answer (which was about 70-80% of work days). I was upset and mentioned that I didn’t have a good feeling at all (I am not jealous about his other girl friends) and he reacted defensively. I said I had the impression he could picture himself with that women (in a relationship) and instead of saying yes or no, he answered, after a long pause, that he was feeling good with her and that she was a great person. I had to reflect again and again how bad that sounded to my hears, and he would repeat : I feel good with her and she is a very nice person. I took again 5-6 times for him to finally say no I would not picture myself with her. Today, he denies that ihim saying that ever happened.

    At the time, He was defending it was just a regular friendship, that I was the one who was not trusting, etc. It is important to note that we met while he was in a relationship, and he was lying to himself and his girlfriend at the time, firmly believing I was just a friend. And yet he ended up leaving her for me. He would say that he’s not a guy like that and he was afraid it would impact my trust towards him. Well it did and I felt the pattern was repeating itself. When he told me about that women, he would call her a friend (he doesn’t call many people that) although he never spoke to me about her before. He was also discussing our relationship issues with her. After days of being angry/defensive with me and denying everything, he eventually said he would stop seeing her and mentioned that he understood and that this was for the best.

    Which brings me to now. He went back to an old job and it so turns out that she is in his team. He announced it to me over the phone, very casually and changed subject after. I was very upset. Now he says that he stopped seeing her because of my insecurities and he has absolutely no recognition about the fact that his behaviour wasn’t cool. He says he’s going to keep a «collčgue» relationship and not go and ask her to take breaks with him alone. That there’s not more he can do. He reels me all that while being very cold and defensive in my opinion.

    I said to him that to me this feels horrible, because I felt he had a start of an emotional affair with that women and now he sees her everyday. And our relationship is in very bad shape right now, regardless of this situation. I feel like this just gave a huge cut in the little hope and strength I had left for us.

    I am seeking your advice because I am so lost. I feel like I am legitimate to feel this way, but am I crazy? When he talks I feel like he thinks I’m the problem. But thats not what I feel and believe. Also, what do I do about this work situation? I feel like it’s torture within me. I couldn’t ask him to leave his job but I also can’t stand the situation. What do I do?

    I feel that if he was to a knowledge the situation, and be sensitive to my feelings about it, I would have less trouble dealing with it.

    Thanks and sorry for the long text.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. What are the problems in the relationship? It seems lack of trust and interrogating are contributing as well as a result of all the other issues in this relationship. It seems you are both caught in a power struggle and cat-and-mouse game and the trust and romance is increasingly eroding from both of your contributions to an unhealthy dynamic. Take a break from each other and reflect if this is worth it.
    Originally Posted by Outsider8
    I had to ask about 4-5 times «how often would you take your breaks with her at work?» before he gave me the answer

    Now he says that he stopped seeing her because of my insecurities

    our relationship is in very bad shape right now, regardless of this situation.

  3. #3
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    Unfortunately, this is what often happens when you ignore the red flags and serious character flaws in someone and pursue a relationship with them. You know he is perfectly capable of lying and cheating. I would be asking myself why I chose a man like this.

    But since you did, you need to step back and ask yourself if it's really worth the hassle to continue dating him. It does sound like he has a crush on her. Will he act on it? It's hard to say, with his recent history. I wouldn't rule it out, sorry to say.

    You can't do anything about his work situation, though. Unless he wants to change jobs, you either have to trust that he will keep things professional or walk away from him.

    Also, you say your relationship is in bad shape anyway - what is keeping you around at this point?

  4. #4
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Outsider8
    He says he’s going to keep a «collčgue» relationship and not go and ask her to take breaks with him alone.



    II couldn’t ask him to leave his job but I also can’t stand the situation. .
    - well, it's good that he is not taking alone breaks with her. If he has a job where he works with women, there's not much more to do, unless he's willing to change careers.

    Also keep in mind, he was a cheater when you met him. Maybe you should have known what you were getting into? Good luck.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    As they say "how you get them is how you lose them". I'm not saying he's cheating or wants to, but if he cheated on his ex with you and left her for you, it shows his character and boundaries. A man leaving another woman for you is not a feat nor a prove of love, it's about the man's lack of commitment to his girlfriend and lack of boundaries towards other women.

    Also maybe she's a symptom of something bigger as you say the relationship hasn't been good.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You 'won' this guy from someone else, and this is the victory you signed on for. Why would it surprise you that you've accepted a promotion from being the one who he was disloyal 'with' to the one he'll be disloyal 'to'?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Maybe it's his style to glide from one woman to the next?
    Originally Posted by Outsider8
    we met while he was in a relationship, and he was lying to himself and his girlfriend at the time, firmly believing I was just a friend. And yet he ended up leaving her for me.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. After demonstrating what he was all about when you first met him, did you feel you'd be the exception to the rule?

    Your best option is to take the lesson with you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Outsider8
    It is important to note that we met while he was in a relationship, and he was lying to himself and his girlfriend at the time, firmly believing I was just a friend. And yet he ended up leaving her for me.
    Looks like you're realizing you're not that special. Previous behavior is no guarantee, but it's an awfully decent predictor of future behavior.

    Fact is he works with this woman. He will have to interact with her daily. You could make whatever demands you want, bit you've got zero way of knowing who he goes on lunch breaks with or how often, and you don't trust him enough to take him at his word on it. He's told you he'll limit his communications with her to a strictly professional level. If you can't or won't trust him, that's perfectly fine and even understandable, but you don't get to lord over his workplace activities and socializing.

    It sounds like it's time to leave.

  11. #10
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
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    He was also discussing our relationship issues with her.
    That is your first major red flag.


    I feel like I am legitimate to feel this way, but am I crazy?
    You always have a right to feel what you feel. You are definitely NOT crazy.
    To me, the worst thing about this is that he's fighting you on this, instead of trying to come to a reasonable solution, he's telling you (with his actions) to just get over it.

    Possible cheating aside, he isn't being sensitive to your feelings. Not to mention that when all this happened, he was gaslighting you -saying something and then denying that he ever said that. That is not a healthy relationship. He is not treating you nicely.


    I feel that if he was to a knowledge the situation, and be sensitive to my feelings about it, I would have less trouble dealing with it.
    Exactly. I know you have spent a lot of time with him, but in my opinion he is not the man for you.

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