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Thread: How to have a relationship with my mentally abusive father?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Aug 2014
    Originally Posted by Jad619
    A few days ago my dad calls me and says that he is scared he is going to be alone forever, he misses coming home to his kids and wife, and that heís depressed. He says the relationship wasnít to the point of divorce! He kept repeating that. I usually go along with anything he says to avoid conflict. Itís like walking on eggshells, you have to be very careful with how you talk to him or he will explode. He calls her and it goes ok, then calls her again a couple days later and he picks a fight with her threatening to take her to court. Then gets mad at me saying that I am ďon her sideĒ.

    At this point I donít know what to do. He says he wants to have a relationship with me but if I am being honest, I am not comfortable with that at all. He obviously isnít changing into a better person. At the same time he is my father and I feel like I should. It would be impossible to tell him this. How should I go about this? What do I even say to him?
    For him to deny anyone else's experience and insist that it wasn't worth ending it over, is a text book abuser move. He's still trying to control the outcome and he isn't taking responsibility for how he got here.

    Him growing old and alone are the consequences of his behavior and as hard as it may be he has to live with it.

    Just because you have similar DNA, you didn't choose your father and now especially as an adult you get the right to choose whether or not you want a relationship with him.

    You owe him nothing at this point.
    Having said that, I realize it's not easy.
    I agree. Put it in letter. By the sounds of it he's done enough damage.
    You don't need or deserve to be subjected by anymore.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry this is happening, he sounds like a maudlin, self-pitying, manipulative drunk. Advise your mother to delete and block him and get a restraining order. Your only duty is to warn your mother about his sick idea to 'reconnect' (perpetuate the abuse). Do not communicate with him. Communicate with a very good qualified therapist so you do not continue to get manipulated.

    Do not take the bait and continue any type of conversation, communication, etc. If you were to do that, he knows he has gotten to you and regained power. Do not call write, text, email. If he cared about your thoughts or feeling he would not have beaten your mother to a pulp repeatedly in front of you. Do not assist in any of his abuse by proxy. Do not write him anything. Stand by your mother, not him.
    Originally Posted by Jad619
    A few days ago my dad calls me and says that he is scared he is going to be alone forever, he misses coming home to his kids and wife, and that heís depressed. He says he wants to talk to my mother to ďbe on good termsĒ.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-26-2019 at 01:07 PM.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    I agree ,stand by your mom and to hell with him.

  4. #14
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    "you can't force a square peg in a round hole" - that's how you deal with this.
    I have a mentally abusive father - it made me very insecure and unsure of myself for a long long time as a young adult and especially as a teenager.
    I even forbid him to have contact with me in any form for almost 5-6 yrs due to his conduct. (and now all i have to do is if he ever starts acting pu again, i just put the wall up and stop engaging with him and he shuts it off).

    Pavlov. It's all pavlov folks. Reward desired behavior. Un-reward un-desired behavior. I engage and get into my relationship with my father when he behaves in a desired manner (not mentally abusing, not meddling, etc.) When he does, he loses his son. His choice. I've laid out the rules and groundwork and told him what they are - now the rest is up to him. it's not my responsibility or obligation to "fix" him or our relationship anymore.

    As it is YOUR life, YOU have a right to live it any way you want and that includes who you let into your life and who yo don't. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to accept and involve them in your life. Yes you respect that their your parents - but other than that you don't owe them anything. its YOUR life.

    Good luck.


  6. 04-17-2019, 05:55 AM

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