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Thread: Separated husband going on road trip for 12mths

  1. #11
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    Thanks again Carus for you help. Thankfully our kids are grown up and left home. At least there is no family home or business to worry about.

  2. #12
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    Hello Keyman,
    Thank you for your reply, we have been separated for 7 mths, after continuous agueing about everything. We just drifted apart. He planned his trip a few months ago, so your probably right that its his way of moving on and as hard as it is, I too will have to do the same. 😥

  3. #13
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    Neither of us has filed for divorce, he moved out 7 months ago and we have our own bank accounts. Not sure what his intentions are at the moment with our marriage. That is something I will discuss with him before he leaves.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DianeAllen
    Hi Melancholy123,
    Thank you for your reply, but thats the problem....I still love my ex and want to be with him. Where I live has very little activity to entertain one. I can only hope that NC will help him miss me also.

    Regards
    Diane
    Even if your city is small you should be trying to get a life that doesn't revolve around your ex husband or change cities if you have to. Do you have friends and family?

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  6. #15
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    If he won't do couples therapy, then how will you guys resolve things being separated? Throwing in the fact that he is leaving for an entire year, puts you in a bad place.

    Perhaps, it is time to see a lawyer.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What were your arguments about?

    I might be wrong but by your posts, it comes across like your everything revolved around your husband and if so, he might have become suffocated by this kind of a dynamic, thus the arguments, the separation and now a road trip. It screams of a person who is desperate to get out and breathe. At the same time, since you are both maintaining contact and he is willingly inviting you to join him here and there on his trip, it sounds like there might be some hope of restoring this marriage...it's just that both of you can't go back to status quo and you absolutely have to use this separation to actually build a life for yourself. Small town or big, make friends, join community events, start doing things for yourself. You simply cannot load all of your needs onto one person because it will break them. It's a burden that's simply too heavy to carry. Instead of fixating on "omg he is leaving", you really need to focus on yourself and how you've contributed to this situation in your marriage.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by DianeAllen
    Neither of us has filed for divorce, he moved out 7 months ago and we have our own bank accounts. Not sure what his intentions are at the moment with our marriage. That is something I will discuss with him before he leaves.
    Well -- if you wanted to stay married, you would not have seperated. Separation is not a way to win someone back. I only agree with seperation as a tactic to save the marriage if one party needs to be away from the other due to alcohol or drug abuse, etc., and is getting help. What are his intentions for the marriage? Unless he moves back in with you or comes back from the trip and says "i have done some thinking, and i can't imagine not being married to you..." his intention is to stay split up. Do not have a "relationship talk" about the "state of the marriage" . He is speaking loud and clear if he is taking off for 12 months.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Well -- if you wanted to stay married, you would not have seperated. Separation is not a way to win someone back. I only agree with seperation as a tactic to save the marriage if one party needs to be away from the other due to alcohol or drug abuse, etc., and is getting help. What are his intentions for the marriage? Unless he moves back in with you or comes back from the trip and says "i have done some thinking, and i can't imagine not being married to you..." his intention is to stay split up. Do not have a "relationship talk" about the "state of the marriage" . He is speaking loud and clear if he is taking off for 12 months.
    I agree. You need to be real (and realistic) with yourself. I've rarely seen separations either in marriage or girlfriend/boyfriend helping to get the couple closer. We all know how the proverbial "take a break" often ends. But I could almost have a bit of faith if this separation was part of a plan where it'd have a defined time and a plan of what you'd both do during that time like therapy for example (individual and/or couples) or working on things that were missing in the relationship in separate. And even so, it's very rare that this works out, but it happens. But this is not the case here at all. He's not staying to work on the broken marriage. He's not accepting couples therapy or individual therapy to sort out the marriage. He's going on a year long trip for his own benefit and get away while you stay.

    I wouldn't stay there waiting for him while he's having a blast in his road trip far away from you and you waiting and hoping that he comes back with an epiphany and wants to truly be with you. I think you shouldn't accept him leaving on his road trip without having a concrete plan of where you should live, finances and a definite answer from him on the state of the relationship. He needs to give a concrete answer about the divorce (but he's already given you one by going away for a year in the midst of your separation and without defining anything... that says a lot... ) I'd begin talking to an attorney to evaluate assets and all that and plan everything. I'm assuming there are no kids on the equation, because if there are and he's leaving for a year... it shows a strong lack of character.

    If you stay here waiting for him and letting your life on hold waiting for him, don't be surprised if when he comes back he still doesn't want to be with you and either finalises the divorce that should've been finalised earlier or gives you news about "someone new". Where are your friends and family? Why can't you move to a place where you can create connections and a fulfilled life for yourself? Really, you two need to sort out all of this before he leaves and take concrete action.

  10. #19
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    Yes, I have a few friends and family, but unable to confide in them as they thought I was stupid being with him anyway. Maybe I am....but I have been with him for a very long time and its hard to get my head around the fact that he's not in my life anymore.

  11. #20
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    Yes thank you. You maybe right

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