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Thread: Was I right to Break up with him?

  1. #1

    Was I right to Break up with him?

    I'll try and keep this short. We're in our 20s, we were together for 4 years. I broke up with him last month. This is why:

    He gave me 3 days notice at the end of November 2018 that he was leaving the country and going to live on the other side of the world and wont be coming back. He begged me to go long distance. I was so angry and crying like i've never cried before. But he reassured me we'd work and we'd spend the whole summer together.
    I couldnt go straight away because i am in university training to be a teacher so we always said we'd go travelling together in July but he couldnt wait a few more months

    To add to this - he left me 3 weeks after I had an abortion which I was absolutely devastated about. He knew I was very emotionally vulnerable after it since I regretted it immediately after (twins they were - 7 weeks).

    Story of the abortion: found out I was pregnant in October. He rung the abortion clinic behind my back one hour after finding out and then rung me to say there's about a week waiting list but I have to ring (Duh!). I told him to give me a bit longer since i was still in shock. He came to my house, we took another test - definitely pregnant so I ended up ringing a clinic with him sat by me.
    Closest 2 dates available - my birthday the following week, or the Friday the week after. I was no way having an abortion on my birthday so went for the 2 week wait. He couldnt understand why I couldnt get it out of the way and go on my birthday -.-
    We went for food that night, and he pointed to a woman with a baby and said something like "look at her, she looks like a mum and, no offence, you don't, you look too young" and "i think if we keep the baby it'd vause too much of a strain and i'd feel held down so we'd probably end up breaking up. (He denies saying all this but why would i make it up?).

    Moving on: I spent those two weeks researching fetuses and what to eat when pregnant. I would watch videos of a fetus growing and I became really excited and attached. I'd go to his house and he'd jokingly rub my belly and talk to it, but when I brought up what i was researching, he would tell me "it's just a bag of cells".
    Anyways the day before the abortion, he told me "it's up to me what i do and he'll be there no matter what" (this made me happy but i genuinely believed he didnt want a baby and it wasnt planned, i was in uni, so i believed it's probably best to go ahead).
    We then found out they were twins He was talking about how great twins would be. I agree. But i blanked out and took the pills. I was depressed for weeks.
    He didnt see me for 4 days after the abortion - He was anoyed that men dont have a say in abortions and that it is always up to the woman. I told him that that i remembered what he said in the meal and he denied it completely.

    During a facetime call when we were long distance, he said he couldnt believe anybody would abort his babies and it made him think that I wasnt ready to settle down (this really upset me since I was obviously excited during the weeks i was pregnant), so I told him that he kept referring to them as a bag of cells and I thought he didnt want them, which annoyed him too.

    I dont blame him for the abortion, We both rushed into it I think and it's something we'll both have to live with.
    But I did grow to resent him for leaving me at my most vulnerabilist time. He spent a month of it just travelling about; he's working in a sport place now though in a developing country.

    The weekend before he left, he was hungover all weekend. I begged him to give it a couple of weeks so we could have a weekend together but he didnt.

    I ended it because I was low and couldnt get over what he did, and this was the tipping point, since last year he admitted he cheated when we first got together and that he kissed a girl last New Years but I forgave him since he seemed sincere in his apology.

    There's so much more to say but this is already too long I feel haha.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    He sounds like an insensitive azz.
    This guy is a total mindfuc&. He told you that he did not want the baby and even called the clinic. I think he was saying the things about you and aborted babies as an excuse to get out of the relationship. He threw it all on you. Creep! If he was moving to another country, what were you supposed to do, raise the kids alone?
    You were right to dump this guy.

    Block and delete this guy. You deserve much more than him. I am sure there is much more.

    Three days notice after four years. This shows you your place in his life!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 02-25-2019 at 04:28 PM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Yes, you were right to break up with him.

    He's a callous doosh canoe who doesn't give a fig about you or your feelings. On what planet would breaking up with him not be the right thing to do?

  4. #4
    Thanks so much for replies <3 It's been such a whirlwind 3 months, from pregnancy, to the abortion, to my boyfriend at the time giving me 3 days notice he was moving away, to breaking up.
    During all this, i'm trying to keep up with my studies.
    It all sounds so surreal just typing it. It was literally all a domino-effect -.-

    When i broke up with him, he agreed, he seemed really placid, just told me to 'find peace and be happy'.
    Then 2 weeks later , just before valentines, he messaged apologising, saying he misses me and that he was sorry for everything he's done and how he realises now how he rushed things and how selfish it was for him to say he was never coming back and I would be visiting him all the time. He also said we could get through anything. And that he was really unhappy.

    I replied back quite positively. And for the next few days, we told each other we loved each other, and he was desperate for phone calls. Then We had a phone call and I asked him if he had any intention of getting back together at some point. And he was erming and arring about it all. And he basically said "we're together but not together. What's the point of labels? I'm not putting a label on it"
    He then claimed he had a headache for 2 days so ignored me.

    That's when I truly realised that was that. I'm not being with a boy who has a headache when i ask for commitment. He can just have none of me, i'm not settling for half. I felt he was messing with my head.

    I sent him a text basically saying
    I'm taking myself out of the situation. Please dont message me again in a few weeks being all apologetic. I find the way your acting unbelievable and quite disrespectful to our 5 year relationship.
    I never would have treated you this way - I never kept you on a string or made you feel any confusion even when you admitted to all those times you cheated last year.
    Maybe it's.more fool me but I am actually gone now. There's only so much a person can take and this was not the person i fell in love with and that's me done.

    And he never got back to me. It's been a week and i'm devastated. But I know he's wrong for me, it just hurts right now :(


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    You did well breaking up with him! Please give yourself some time to heal. You can and will do much better than this jerk. You need to stop sending messages and block and delete him for good. I'm sorry you're going through this pain.

    PS: I'm disgusted with his gaslighting of the abortion. Please count your blessings you're free from this creep!

  7. #6
    @Annia i've deleted his number so i cant contact him and i wont be replying if he contacts me, since I'm sure his last message when he was telling me about how much he misses me was probably a case of him searching for an ego boost and checking i havent moved on and i stupidly fell for it -.- but i have learned my lesson! Thank you for the response, realistically, i know it was the right thing to do since he treated me like crap- he cheated on me by kissing girls twice in our relationship (the day after last new years 2018 was when he told me) and he also messaged other girls too. He told me this, whilst confessing to the cheating. I asked to see the messages and he said he deleted them because they were just catching up (i'm not stupid), and i dont usually ask to see his messages but when he's told me he's been messaging girls, i'm of course going to ask to see.

    To add to the abortion. He left early December, i was still having cramps and positives. i found out 2 weeks into his travels that i had leftover product from the abortion. I told him this on the phone and all he could say was "i wouldve stayed if i had known that" (well most people wouldve stayed knowing theyre girlfriend was devastated and it had only been 3 weeks!!)

    Jerk isnt he.

    And i've recently learned about gaslighting, i think that happened quite a lot the past 3 years.

  8. #7
    So whilst he was climbing mountains and sunbathing in the sun, I was juggling my mental health, my studies, my placement school, and visiting my GP, whilst (TMI) still seeing blood in the toilet from the abortion -.-

  9. #8
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. The nerve of this guy to play mind games with you while you're going through some truly tough times.


    I'm quite proud of you in the way you stood up for yourself. I know it hurts. Of course it hurts because you're a normal person with feelings. This is normal. The most important thing is that he is gone from your life for good. It will get better!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    If he reaches out again, block him!

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