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Thread: Boyfriend cheated on me during blackout drinking

  1. #1

    Boyfriend cheated on me during blackout drinking

    I've been together with my boyfriend for almost two months now. We are in a long distance relationship but we agreed to meet up as soon as we finished school (in roughly 70 days). This weekend he told me that a girl in his town likes him and he might break up with me to be with her because he wants an interactive relationship. On Sunday my best friend told be that my boyfriend apparently cheated on me on a party but he insisted that he didn't commit and that he was blackout drunk. My boyfriend meanwhile told me that he loves me too much to leave me. After confronting him with what my best friend said he said he was a horrible person and that I should be happy with someone else. I really love him and I want to give him another chance but I don't know if I can trust him again. The Sunday evening he almost didn't talk to me at all and he admitted to be doing drugs again. I just don't get it why he's actually like this at the moment getting drunk and everything. He was a very nice and perfect person during the almost two months we dated and I don't know why he suddenly started acting like this. He was getting distant the week before and I'm scared that something bad happened to him. I'm very worried about his wellbeing but I also don't know if I'll really be able to trust him again. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't text me how bad of a person he is because I really believe that he's an amazing person but he got on the wrong track. Instead I would be very thankful if you could tell me how to make him stop taking drugs (or at least being more responsible with them) and maybe to get behind why he's acting like this without breaking whatever is left of our relationship.
    Thank you in advance
    Aurora

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is your friend in his area? Was she at this party? Have you ever met in person? This guy is not worth the headaches. He is disrespectful and apparently cheats, drinks way too much and wants to "break up" with you.

    You've only been talking for 8 weeks, cut your losses and date honest local respectful boys who don't binge drink and hookup with randoms.
    Originally Posted by AuroraRyzo
    This weekend he told me that a girl in his town likes him and he might break up with me to be with her because he wants an interactive relationship. On Sunday my best friend told be that my boyfriend apparently cheated on me on a party but he insisted that he didn't commit and that he was blackout drunk.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Drinking is no excuse for cheating no matter how drunk or high they might be when they CHOOSE to cheat on you.

    He is being who he is and you are choosing to only see what you want to see so you can continue to date him.

    You cannot stop him from using drugs or cheating on you. That is who he is and you need to accept it, dump him and try and heal from this. It has only been 2 months so I am not sure how well you can really know him anyways.

    Don't try and save him, don't try and change him just end this and try and meet someone that is the right person for you because this guy is not the guy.

    Lost

  4. #4
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    No you got it backwards. Relationships is about assessing what the preson TRULY IS - not about how we can change them. That's lesson #1. Never be with somebody because you think you can change them into your perfect mate - it never happens. This is real life - not the movies.
    So.. in assessing what his true colors are - i also think you have that wrong. Anybody can behave from a distance in an LDR (or appear to behave) over 2 months. You are assuming the first 2 months of your relationship with him is "the real him" and he's "suddenly changed drastically after 2 months to another person.." Really?

    How about we float the idea that maybe.. he was just putting his best foot forward for the first 2 mos of the relatoinship and now his true colors are coming out? People don't just turn bad in 2 mos when they're "happy" you see. Its just like all the people that visit Seattle in August-September (when it is always sunny and warm and perfect) - then move there.. then it rains the rest of the year and they say, "what happened to the SEattle weather? It used to have the perfect weather here!" Well.. no. You just happen to come and visit the only 2 months it DIDN'T rain and assumed it never rained when in atuality it rains most of the year.

    So I'm afraid you have it backwards on 2 accounts:
    - you can't date people with the mindset of modifying them to be what you want. That never works.
    - you are assuming the first 2 months you are with a person is their true colors while whatever they change to after that is the anamoly. No. Most people are on their best behavior and more agreeable and accomodating early on in a new relationship and then their true colors show up.

    Sorry to say.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I really love him and I want to give him another chance
    No you don't you are in a two month relationship with someone who is long distance who has told you he likes someone else and then after that he cheated on you. Love yourself enough to kick his arse to the curb and find a guy that shows you he values you. You'll never be able to trust someone who boinks another girl after telling you he likes someone else.

    With only two months of long distance you should be able to process a breakup and be over him in no time at all. Don't cheat yourself and your own self-respect by staying with a cheater... who likes someone else.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by AuroraRyzo
    Instead I would be very thankful if you could tell me how to make him stop taking drugs (or at least being more responsible with them) and maybe to get behind why he's acting like this without breaking whatever is left of our relationship.
    You can't.

    It's his choice if he wants to be reckless and irresponsible. If he doesn't want to give them up, there isn't anything you can do.

    You might want to salvage this, but I don't think he genuinely does. He flat-out told you he might leave you for her, and wound up cheating with her shortly thereafter. Shocker. I can almost promise you this will happen again. He isn't committed to you, and you shouldn't be having these problems just two months into a relationship.

    However, I get the impression you'll stay anyway. Brace yourself for more heartache and have a good support system around you. You will need it. It's not a matter of if he breaks your heart again, but when.

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    How much time have you spent with him in person? Not video chatting but actually in person ?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AuroraRyzo
    After confronting him with what my best friend said he said he was a horrible person and that I should be happy with someone else.
    Right there, in this moment, he told you everything you need to know. Put aside his actions, put aside your hopes, and just focus on that for a moment.

    Because this is who he is and how he views himself, right now, in relation to you and probably the world at large. He looks at you and feels horrible. He looks at you and thinks you should be with someone else.

    Translation to all that? He is telling you, in clear language, that he will hurt you.

    Those thoughts probably predated his actions, and probably predated you meeting him. That's his deep core brokenness, the stuff behind the drugs and the blackouts—something you can't fix, but something that can hurt you, as you've already discovered.

    I am an optimist, for the record. And a romantic. Which is to say that I'll believe you that the good guy you see exists somewhere inside him. I'll go there, let you have that truth.

    Problem is, it's buried right now, and if you even try to support someone whose goodness is buried you will just get lost and hurt and just prevent them from doing the self-work they need to do. It is a lose-lose, to everyone involved.

    So you can care about his well-being, in the general sense, but if you try to become his nurse your own well-being will suffer and his will stay corroded since you're rewarding his brokenness.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but I hope you're hearing it.

  10. #9
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    Spend some time here reading the threads of the broken-hearted who started out just like you.

    If you do, and change, you'll save yourself two to fives years of wasted life.

  11. #10
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    I think you should obviously dump the boyfriend. Take it from someone who's dated a full on sociopath before, don't hold onto this. Not worth it.

    You should stop trying to interpret what happened and be thankful that it did happen. It's some sort of fate telling you he's not the guy and I can tell you from experience, this isn't a up that you guys can walk away from.

    People write books about recovering from cheating and it takes years. I don't want to sound super Christian but what do you want from this relationship? Are you dating to date or dating to someday marry?

    Before you try to emotionally drain yourself with trying to save this guy and this relationship you should realize that you have value and that there are more men in the world that HAVEN'T cheated on you meaninh you have great odds of finding one that will honor you and your relationship and wouldn't dare put himself in a situation where honoring you (start to finish, day after day) isn't one of his goals.

    This guy is broken and needs therapy. You're a life partner not his therapist. You don't have to fix him and trying to fix him will waste your time.

    Forget this relationship and choose happiness and honor.

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