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Thread: Feeling guilt and shame, please help!

  1. #11

    Join Date
    Feb 2019
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    Thank you everyone for your replies. Your replies have made me see that this is not something I need to share with John. It all happened before John came on the scene and while I was single. Sharing this with him will just cause upset, trust issues and insecurity, and potentially bring an end to our relationship, which is not something I want.

    I think the reason I have been feeling guilty and ashamed recently is because I've never really actually thought about what I had done. I've never really sat down and thought about it and the implications of it all and faced up to my decision. I've always known it was wrong, but I never thought about the reflection it has on me as a person. Thinking about it and facing up to it has felt very uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable to have to admit this sort of thing, and it's something that I never ever thought I would be saying that I had done. Thinking about it has made me feel guilty and it's almost like a delayed reaction. I think because I was single when it happened, I didn't feel accountable to anyone, and I didn't really feel like I needed to reflect on it. But now it's made me question who I am, what I am capable of, why I did it and how I can live with myself now it's done? It's made me feel like a really horrible horrible and terrible person who doesn't deserve any happiness or anything good in my life, because of how selfishly I acted. How could I have been so stupid?

    I can't change the past, unfortunately, and trust me, if I could, I most certainly would.

    I guess the reason I felt like I needed to tell John was because I now feel like a horrible person, and I feel like he just thinks I am this sweet, wonderful, honest and kind person, when in reality, I have done something like this. I almost feel I need to be like, okay, I did this, just so you know what kind of person you are dealing with. But, in saying that, I know that even though I made this mistake, it is not who I am. I know deep down that I am a good and kind person and I know this was a very bad time in my life where I was lonely and weak, and I made a mistake.

    I also think that because it was "online" it was easier just to think that it wasn't really happening. Because I hadn't seen Ash in many years face to face and it was all online, it was like it could be easily swept under the rug and forgotten about. Please often do things behind a screen which they wouldnt do in real life. I knew deep down that I could never actually do anything physical, and I knew that because we live so far away from each other that the chances of it happening were quite slim. Still though, I know this doesn't excuse my actions.

    Just for those who have mentioned it, I volunteered to show John my Tinder account, he didn't ask to see it. I guess I thought I was showing John that I was an open and honest person and had nothing to hide? I used to think that couples should know every single detail about each others past and be open and honest about everything, but now I am learning that this isn't quite the case, and I think I would be hard pressed to find a couple who knows every little single thing about each other and a couple who are open an honest about everything. However, I do appreciate that every couple is different!

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Jul 2013
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    If you're in a relationship you simply close and delete your tinder account and app, there's no reason to show your boyfriend your account. He has no business in that and as you say it'll only cause unnecessary drama and trust issues. I also don't feel like you're an awful person for having flirted with Ash. Yes it was a bit shady given that he had a girlfriend but this has nothing to do with John and is none of his business.

    I think you were trying to punish yourself due to guilt you feel by sabotaging your relationship with John with this "transparency" thing.

    I think the most important thing is that you forgive yourself and move on. But this is an individual process that has nothing to do with John nor should be shared with him.

    Be kinder to your self. You didn't do anything awful and even if you feel like you did, be kind to yourself. Don't punish yourself and don't sabotage your currents relationships to mitigate the guilt. It won't make you feel better and it will keep you from moving forward.

  3. #13

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    Feb 2019
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    Originally Posted by indea08

    Especially with OLD, you must be more careful!!
    Hi indea08, sorry to ask such a silly question, but what does OLD stand for?

    Thanks

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sheen32
    Hi indea08, sorry to ask such a silly question, but what does OLD stand for?

    Thanks
    I think it stands for online dating.

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  6. #15

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    Feb 2019
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    If you're in a relationship you simply close and delete your tinder account and app, there's no reason to show your boyfriend your account. He has no business in that and as you say it'll only cause unnecessary drama and trust issues. I also don't feel like you're an awful person for having flirted with Ash. Yes it was a bit shady given that he had a girlfriend but this has nothing to do with John and is none of his business.

    I think you were trying to punish yourself due to guilt you feel by sabotaging your relationship with John with this "transparency" thing.

    I think the most important thing is that you forgive yourself and move on. But this is an individual process that has nothing to do with John nor should be shared with him.

    Be kinder to your self. You didn't do anything awful and even if you feel like you did, be kind to yourself. Don't punish yourself and don't sabotage your currents relationships to mitigate the guilt. It won't make you feel better and it will keep you from moving forward.
    Hi Annia, thanks for your message and for being so understanding. I have been beating myself up about this for quite a few days now, trying to wrestle with my own feelings on it.

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