Did I overreact by breaking up?

Hi All,

Her (31) an I (45) had been together for 5 years. It's been bumpy, well, there was one big bump and another one 2 days ago.

To start with the beginning, we got together at work, enjoyed working together, had lots of laugh and it happened. Moved in together after a few months and started being together 24/7. We did not have a problem with it and spent just over 3 years together when I had a job opportunity and joined another business. Suddenly we were only together outside of work, but it felt normal, since pretty much every other couple live like that. Well, after 3 weeks of me not working there, Charlotte got into an intimate relationship with her colleague, a 20yrs old boy. Me being busy settling into my new job I didn't click or didn't want to realize Charlotte has changed. Anyway, 3 months later they got caught and there were tears from both end. I felt betrayed, she felt, well, being caught. It took her 1 month to decide which one of us she wants (she wanted both of us but I am not that much of an idiot - well, you will the judge of that later...). So she decided she wants me and I forgave her. not immediately, took me almost a year but she was patient and honest. I felt I'm ready for the next step and November last year we got engaged. Started planning the wedding and organizing everything around it.

Then she came home a few weeks ago that the business she is working for (she has changed her job after her affair) is sending her to a trip to Sri Lanka for 5 days with her rather good looking male boss and another male colleague. She didn't really understand why she needs to go as she didn't feel the position she is fulfilling is that important to go on a factory visit for thousands of pounds. Also, annoyingly the last day of her trip was the day of our 5th year anniversary being together. But there was little can be done about it, so accepted that we will celebrate the evening together when she arrives.

Charlotte was keep in touch with me every day, text an call in the morning she woke up, text and call before diner, and a call with hat about the day when she was back in the room ready have a rest for the next day. This was working like a clock work every day, until the evening of 20th when she messaged me she is just heading for dinner and will call me afterwards. I was waiting, waiting, waiting and started worrying when the clock passed 3am. Funnily enough not about her being unfaithful, but that maybe something happened. I called her mobile several times, nothing, I called the hotel and she wasn't picking up the call. then I called the hotel tried to contact her boss (35yrs old, looks like an ex-model and very flirtatious with women) and interestingly he didn't answer the call either. So I knew they are bot out. at 3am. I started thinking... Carried on calling the hotel every hour and at 7am I gave up! I did not know what to do, I was worried something happened, was checking accidents in the news in Sri Lanka etc.

I received a text at 8am Sri Lanka time (14hrs after Charlotte went for dinner) that the dinner became an all night adventure and she is drunk and luckily she left her phone in the hotel otherwise she would have lost it and she is wasted! Also, she told me in the message, she had such fun, she cannot wait to tell me about it. So I messaged back "Happy Anniversary". She read the message and took her 1 hrs and 3 minutes to message back, the same wishes and telling me how much she loves me and looking forward to coming home. When I questioned what was the delay, she said she knew I'm angry and she didn't know what to do.

I was furious. She got home the same night and i had a go at her. She told me, she decided not to take her phone to the dinner in the hotel and after dinner the went to the roof top bar of the hotel and started drinking. Then at 2am the bar closed, they were all hyped up so decided to take the tuk tuk into the town and carry on partying. Then they came back at 7am to the hotel and straight went for an hour swim. Then got back to the hotel room and saw my messages and missed calls.

Well, the story itself felt dodgy, but I wanted to raise my disappointment of not contacting me for 14 hrs, throughout the night. She said from the hotel bar they straight went to go out (well, with a lift passing the floor here her room was) and did not have an opportunity to collect her phone and she didn't think she needed it. When I said she could have asked her boss to call me or use his phone, her answer was it's not her nature to ask for someone else's phone. The she said she was too drunk to remember my phone number anyway. So I said, how about messaging me on LinkedIn, twitter, Facebook? I can be find there very easily. She said she wasn't thinking of these ideas and she was too busy having fun! Then I asked why did she not go to her hotel room at 7am rather than swimming in the pool, she didn't think it would matter.

So I broke up with her (engagement and everything) and she is in the process of moving out.

Looking forward to her your views.

Phew. Wow.

I'm sorry for all you had gone through, Mark. I'm sure you're in quite a bit of pain but I think you acted correctly.

I mean, stuff happens and sure people do forget and they do dumb things, especially when far away from home. But added to the office affair she had at her previous work AND that all she did when she came home was give excuses instead of be transparent and hold herself accountable...personally, I don't like it and it appears that you didn't either.

It's fishy. As you said, there were plenty of ways for her to get a hold of you, regardless of having to memorize your number. You and her had a pleasant pattern going, talking to her consistently throughout the day and updating one another. So you not being able to talk to her until the next morning, on top of her having to go away on your anniversary, on top of her throwing excuses on why she couldn't contact you and ON TOP OF not seeming to care that you were worried about her all night..she doesn't really seem to consider your feelings or perspective- a poor choice for a future wife.

Did you overreact? Hell no. Not in my opinion.

Can you ever be together again? Mmmm...I don't know. You have already forgiven her once and it took a while for you to completely forgive her. I believe some people CAN change, but her..? I wouldn't hold my breath.

And by the way...even if she were telling the truth about that night...it's poor judgment on her part to get so smashed that she can't have one clear thought of "I have to get hold of Mark. He must be worried sick."

No matter how you look at it...she's not giving you the attention and consideration you deserve.

I think the problem here is that you never really forgave her for her fling with the 20-year old, and the lack of trust has coloured your relationship ever since. The age difference is also a significant one. She is at a stage in life where the idea of going out partying all night long still seems like a good idea, and it perhaps isn't surprising that having called you to say she was just headed for dinner, she got caught up in all the partying and didn't think to phone you. It was the last night of the trip, if I'm reading you correctly?

I can understand the lack of trust, but the repeated phone calls - and to her boss - sound controlling; as does the insistence that she should have found a way of contacting you even though she'd called you earlier. It's more the kind of thing you'd expect from a father checking up on a teenage daughter. If she's told you how much she loves you, is looking forward to seeing you, and wants to tell you all about it when she gets home, it suggests that nothing inappropriate happened.

I'm not saying either is right or wrong here, but you two are clearly at different stages in your life, have different expectations and are basically incompatible. You need to find a woman who can give you the sense of security you need, and she needs to go out and carry on partying until it loses its appeal.

I think you over reacted and acted like a control freak and your repeated calls to her and her boss and the hotel itself was over the top. It's obvious you dont trust her, never did get over her cheating on you, and you assumed she's busy cheating with her boss. That's a real leap IMO.

Why cant she and her workmates go out and get hammered? People do that all the time, it doesnt mean they are having sex!

Take time to get over her then look for another girl who you believe is trustworthy.

She is immature and you are controlling. She could have been more considerate and said "chat later honey I'm leaving my phone in my room" but she certainly doesn't owe you an hourly update on her comings and goings.

Ringing her boss and hotel every hour is nuts!

I think the problem here is that you never really forgave her for her fling with the 20-year old, and the lack of trust has coloured your relationship ever since. The age difference is also a significant one. She is at a stage in life where the idea of going out partying all night long still seems like a good idea, and it perhaps isn't surprising that having called you to say she was just headed for dinner, she got caught up in all the partying and didn't think to phone you. It was the last night of the trip, if I'm reading you correctly?

 

I can understand the lack of trust, but the repeated phone calls - and to her boss - sound controlling; as does the insistence that she should have found a way of contacting you even though she'd called you earlier. It's more the kind of thing you'd expect from a father checking up on a teenage daughter. If she's told you how much she loves you, is looking forward to seeing you, and wants to tell you all about it when she gets home, it suggests that nothing inappropriate happened.

I agree with both statements.

It's obvious you don't trust her, but calling her boss is plain inappropriate. You had no clue if he was out or already asleep for the night and had silenced his phone. You didn't know anything but you made yourself look like a nutter.

I don't believe you overreacted in breaking up with her, but not for the reason you think. This relationship never recovered from her previous infidelity and the still-current lack of trust would make a marriage extremely difficult. You two are likely better off apart, so you can find someone who doesn't cheat in the first place.

You were over the top! I can't believe you reached out to her boss! But, I think you should have dumped her after the affair with the kid.

Move on

I agree that calling her boss was a mistake, although it’s hard for me to really blame you because I can imagine the terror of having your loved one go AWOL in a foreign country. That would scare the hell out of me, safety wise.

Having said that, most mature women in a committed relationship understand that it is completely inappropriate to get drunk alone with two male coworkers until 7 am. I would have dumped her as well.

I agree that calling her boss was a mistake, although it’s hard for me to really blame you because I can imagine the terror of having your loved one go AWOL in a foreign country. That would scare the hell out of me, safety wise.

 

Having said that, most mature women in a committed relationship understand that it is completely inappropriate to get drunk alone with two male coworkers until 7 am. I would have dumped her as well.

Yes. Ridiculous to stay out until 7 am

OP, there is also a very big age gap. Perhaps, you should find someone a bit older

This girl and I say girl because she has not reached womanhood yet...this girl likes to party, she enjoys mens attentions. I bet she had a great time with that 20 year old and I wouldn't be surprised one bit if she bedded her boss too.

She's not loyal, she doesn't mind cheating and fooling around.

You were never going to find a responsible wife with this girl. It was never going to happen no matter how much your tried to force it.

She needs a huge amount of growing up to do and even then, there's no guarantee that she'll keep her body only for you.

You did the right thing. Let her go and be someone else's problem and concentrate on finding an actual woman who only wants you.

Fact correction. I checked my phone:

Calls:

#1: 5.15am to Charlotte's mobile

#2: 5.17am Charlotte's hotel room

#3: 6.39am to Charlotte's mobile

#4: 6.41am to Charlotte's hotel room

#5: 6.43am to Brett's (boss) hotel room

text received 8.04am about the awesome night.

Also, she told me last night, she didn't think taking her phone because she was only wearing a bikini and a cardigan as she went to have dinner from the pool so she only had her wallet with her. Not sure why needed her wallet as the dinner was paid by the company (as everything else). So from the pool going to dinner in a bikini, then heads up to the bar (in bikini) then heads down from the roof bar to hotel entrance and goes out to Colombo in a bikini. The whole bikini story came about as I questioned why her bikini is soaking wet in the laundry basket. That's when she said she was wearing a bikini the whole night and went swimming before heading back to her room to manically pack as flight was leaving in 3,5hrs

Yes, you guys are right, the age gap must be an issue and yes, she admitted it, the 20yrs old was to have fun, apparently she got scared when her life was heading towards a "serious direction". She loves men attention and especially after drinking she gets flirtatious or as she would say "friendly"...

Hands on my heart, I forgave her previous actions BUT the recent event ripped up the wounds.

We are all different and would react differently in these circumstances. I would have picked up my phone and call my boss and my co-worker to confirm the story when get accused of not telling the truth. But as I said we are different and she didn't think of doing this to confirm her alibi.

I am very much in pieces and looking to find someone else is not on the table for a long long time.

This girl and I say girl because she has not reached womanhood yet...this girl likes to party, she enjoys mens attentions. I bet she had a great time with that 20 year old and I wouldn't be surprised one bit if she bedded her boss too.

 

She's not loyal, she doesn't mind cheating and fooling around.

 

You were never going to find a responsible wife with this girl. It was never going to happen no matter how much your tried to force it.

 

She needs a huge amount of growing up to do and even then, there's no guarantee that she'll keep her body only for you.

 

You did the right thing. Let her go and be someone else's problem and concentrate on finding an actual woman who only wants you.

100% agree with you

I think the problem here is that you never really forgave her for her fling with the 20-year old, and the lack of trust has coloured your relationship ever since. The age difference is also a significant one. She is at a stage in life where the idea of going out partying all night long still seems like a good idea, and it perhaps isn't surprising that having called you to say she was just headed for dinner, she got caught up in all the partying and didn't think to phone you. It was the last night of the trip, if I'm reading you correctly?

 

I can understand the lack of trust, but the repeated phone calls - and to her boss - sound controlling; as does the insistence that she should have found a way of contacting you even though she'd called you earlier. It's more the kind of thing you'd expect from a father checking up on a teenage daughter. If she's told you how much she loves you, is looking forward to seeing you, and wants to tell you all about it when she gets home, it suggests that nothing inappropriate happened.

 

I'm not saying either is right or wrong here, but you two are clearly at different stages in your life, have different expectations and are basically incompatible. You need to find a woman who can give you the sense of security you need, and she needs to go out and carry on partying until it loses its appeal.

Yes, last night of the trip. You're right, she always said she wants to enjoy life, party and travel and wants to have more fun before living the boring hamster wheel of life (career, house, marriage, children). You're right, we are very different, I am a lot more organised and responsible in life, partly because a (disadvantageous) age gap. But I really thought a 31yrs old woman is more mature than that.

But I really thought a 31yrs old woman is more mature than that.

Some people aged 31 ARE more mature than that. On the other hand, I know people aged 60+ who still like to party and are disappointed that they can't find a partner! It all depends on the person.

We are all different and would react differently in these circumstances. I would have picked up my phone and call my boss and my co-worker to confirm the story when get accused of not telling the truth. But as I said we are different and she didn't think of doing this to confirm her alibi.

OP, come on. Who would want to involve their boss in their private relationship issues? You are being ludicrous in that specific expectation.

However, it's becoming clear that you two are better off apart. She isn't ready to settle down. You have no trust in her, and not without good reason. One day you will be grateful you didn't marry her.

I'm sorry I was not giving the correct info, I called her/them a lot less (see my latest the post about it). I don't think I am a control freak, but can become quiet paranoid if a past event's pattern appears. I haven't mentioned but before being caught with Alex she always talked about him being funny and hard working and how he is a good mate at work. It was a lot of talking about Alex out of the 11 colleagues. Now, there was a lot of talk about Brett lately... He is hard working, such a good boss, always busy etc.

And yes, ultimately I lost trust, completely. Even if she didn't do anything wrong, I simply can't stop my brain judging her actions that I personally find irresponsible, immature and not thoughtful. Also some questionable elements that might be just coincidence.

I think you over reacted and acted like a control freak and your repeated calls to her and her boss and the hotel itself was over the top. It's obvious you dont trust her, never did get over her cheating on you, and you assumed she's busy cheating with her boss. That's a real leap IMO.

 

Why cant she and her workmates go out and get hammered? People do that all the time, it doesnt mean they are having sex!

 

Take time to get over her then look for another girl who you believe is trustworthy.

I'm sorry I was not giving the correct info, I called her/them a lot less (see my latest the post about it). I don't think I am a control freak, but can become quiet paranoid if a past event's pattern appears. I haven't mentioned but before being caught with Alex she always talked about him being funny and hard working and how he is a good mate at work. It was a lot of talking about Alex out of the 11 colleagues. Now, there was a lot of talk about Brett lately... He is hard working, such a good boss, always busy etc.

And yes, ultimately I lost trust, completely. Even if she didn't do anything wrong, I simply can't stop my brain judging her actions that I personally find irresponsible, immature and not thoughtful. Also some questionable elements that might be just coincidence.

No she should not drag her boss and coworkers into her private life drama to confirm her whereabouts and actions. That would be extremely unprofessional.

No she should not drag her boss and coworkers into her private life drama to confirm her whereabouts and actions. That would be extremely unprofessional.

She didn't. It was the OP who contacted her boss.

Once someone's cheated on you then they've ruined it - if not the relationship (well not immediately), then your self-esteem is shot. I've tried pretending this isn't true so many times - but good God when I've forgiven them and they've begged for another chance, I've expected basic courtesy - for them to take great care to never let me feel so bad again.

Of course they never do this, as they don't have the courtesy to end one relationship before starting another. Giving them the benefit of the doubt is exhausting and demeaning...and ultimately you end up in situations like this when people tell you you are being 'crazy.'

I'm recently out of a huge age gap relationship - it gets so boring excusing someone's appalling behaviour because they are young. Having fun is all well and good and understandable (am more than capable of staying out all night myself) but there's no need to be dishonest. I'm your age and I never want to be on the 'hamster wheel' of kids etc. That doesn't mean I'm entitled to lie without consequences - I didn't feel like this when I was 21 or 31 either. In short: you didn't overreact - she has poor moral character and you under-reacted when she cheated with the colleague. You're not the only one to have done this though.