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Did My Mom Commit Suicide?


katrina1980

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Hey guys, as many of you know, I lost both my parents in 2014.

 

My dad fell, and died from a blood clot in his brain and my mom from lung cancer, or so I thought.

 

A few days ago, my brother told me that my mom's death was not actually due to cancer.

 

Oh she was terminal, in the hospital and it was only a matter of tme, but what happenrd was she told the doctors to disconnect her feeding tube (which was her choice) and she died of starvation.

 

She had told my brother she was in so much pain, did not want to live like that, in so much pain knowing it will only result in death anyway, so asked the doctors to disconnect the tube. She also wanted to be with her sister, my aunt, who had died five years earlier, from cancer.

 

After they disconnected the feeding tube, my dear mum died around a week later.

 

I'm tearing now writing this, I'm not sure how to process this.

 

Would this be considered a form of suicide?

 

I just feel so bad learning this now, almost five years later, my brother assumed I already knew.

 

My mom and I had our issues, but now I just want to give her a big hug and tell her I'm sorry she was in so much pain (physical and emotional) and tell her I love her; tbh I did not do much of that while she was alive.

 

I often feel like dying myself sometimes hoping to embrace both my mom and dad again.

 

Any words of support would be helpful, thnx for listening. :)

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, but now I just want to give her a big hug and tell her I'm sorry she was in so much pain (physical and emotional) and tell her I love her;
Then tell her, Katrina. Embrace the essence of her, say what you want to her and just let any other 'noise' going on in your head go. Your parents wouldn't want you to embrace them in person before your time. Love is like that, we want the best for those we love and a full and long life would be part of wanting the best for you.

 

((( hugs )))

 

P.S. I don't think it was suicide. It was just allowing the inevitable to take place more naturally is all.

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I am so sorry. I too, lost my brother from lung cancer.

 

Your mother did not commit suicide. She had had enough of the pain and had decided to let go. She did what was best, as she was terminal. She went naturally.

 

I wish that my brother had passed earlier, as he was in agony.

 

A big hug to you.

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This was not suicide, but more of a self-inflicted euthanasia. She made the right decision for her.

 

I lost my mom a few weeks ago, so believe me when I say I understand your thoughts. I keep thinking, well at least my mom was never in pain, as by the time she passed, she had been intubated and on loads of IV pain meds. She never felt a thing, so for that, I'm grateful. I say that because if your mom was in pain, I'm sure you completely understand.

 

Are you upset that you are just now finding this out, that your brother thought you knew this all along? As in, now that it's a truth, do you feel it would have been easier to have dealt with, had you known all along?

 

Do you think maybe your mom didn't want you to know this truth, as she wanted to protect you from her pain?

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If your mum would have died without her feeding tubes then her life had already been prolonged beyond her natural life expectancy with this terminal illness.

 

Without medical intervention your mum would have died much sooner correct? Your mum essentially rejected the intervention to prolong her life (and suffering). This wasn't suicide. No doubt it will still be difficult to process. She isn't suffering now xx

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Your mother absolutely died of cancer!

Your brother is a bit insensitive for trying to imply she did herself in.

If your mother did not have an advanced stage of cancer where death was imminent, she would not need a feeding tube.

She simply decided to no longer have medical intervention.

If she could not eat even a simply broth by herself (even assisted with someone holding the spoon for her) - your mom died of cancer.

There was no suicide here. Your mom did not have herself euthanized.

 

It could also be that your mom didn't call a meeting and say "doctor, take this tube out! i want to die' They could have had to take it out or adjust it and she could have weakly said "no more, no more."

 

There is a stage of dying where things that normally would help a person actuallydo the opposite when one's body is in the last stages of shutting down.

 

Honestly, to me it sounds like your brother wants controversy or a "gotcha" moment. It serves no purpose.

 

yes, your mom ACTUALLY died of cancer.

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I think this may fall under doctor assisted suicide, but I don’t think it falls under true suicide.

 

If you put down a dog who was in great pain would you consider it murder of an animal?

 

I don’t, even though it may technically be. Agreed with the other posters - she made a choice to not delay the inevitable and not extend her suffering g.

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I am very sorry about your mom. No, she did not commit suicide. She exercised her right to die with dignity at a time where her quality of life had diminished with no hope of coming back. We live in a day and age where technology provides the means to artificially prolong a person's life sometimes to the point of obliterating the quality of that life. Feeding tubes, mechanical ventilators and medications that artificially keep up one's blood pressure sometimes end up keeping the body running long past its expiration date, which is futile and only prolongs that person's suffering instead of improving their life.

 

It sounds like you are feeling guilty. Yet, you did the best you could under the circumstances. Losing both parents in such a short time sounds devastating. I am very sorry. Whatever you felt (or didn't feel) at the time was valid. Denial is part of grieving so you should not feel guilty about it should you experienced detachment at the time. Grief is a complicated process and there is no right or wrong way to it. All your feelings were and are valid.

 

In addition, beliefs about the afterlife can differ for everyone. I believe that your mom and dad are now your guardian angels and they are watching over you, free of pain and suffering. They can hear you and they know how much you loved them. I wish you all the best.

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btw, did your BROTHER say she died of starvation of the hospital? if someone does not have a feeding tube, the hospital may respect their wishes not to have one, but they will have an IV with some nutrients in it. They will not stand by and let someone lay there and just starve to death.She would have lived longer than a week if the cause was simply food

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First of all, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your parents and the emotional pain you must be feeling now. I can’t imagine the sorrow you must feel.

 

Regarding the feeding tube, I would have to say your mother really did make the best decision for her. Depending on how close she was to the end, it’s normal that the body will start shutting down organ systems to prepare for death. One of the first systems to shut down is typically the Gastrointestinal System. This means that had your mom continued with tube feed, the formula would have just sat in her stomach, causing nausea, bloating, possibly vomiting which can lead to aspiration and a whole slew of other serious complications.

 

Your mom made a decision to pass more peacefully, which I would not consider a suicide...but more so a blessing.

 

I hope you’re able to find peace. Rest assured your mom is watching over you, and can feel your love for her. God bless.

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Thank you so much guys, I am still trying to process, and your support helps a lot. :)

 

@abitbroken, I don't believe my brother meant to be insensitive or stir controversy.

 

HE is struggling with cancer himself right now; I created a thread about it awhile back. He's doing okay!

 

And he honestly thought I already knew.

 

What happened was my mom could not eat hard food, she couldn't hold it down. So I'd bring her shakes and ice cream, she could eat that. But obviously needed more nutrition, hence the feeding tube.

 

Once they removed the tube at her request, she refused hard food, her organs shut down and she died.

 

What I am struggling with now is realizing how much pain she was in, physically and emotionally, we were not close at the time of her death and a lot was kept from me.

 

We had our struggles; she abused me when I was growing up and I had a lot of anger cause of that. But we eventually made amends and she apologized, she said she raised me as her mother raised her.

 

So I forgave her but I never really forgot if that make sense.

 

So I was very distant and that hurt her deeply, she used to talk to my brothers about it.

 

Anyway, yes I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being there more, comforting her more in her last days.

 

Now, acknowledging what she was experiencing, so much pain that she made a conscience decision to end her life, I feel so ashamed and like utter crap.

 

I know no one can help me with this but me, and perhaps my therapist, but again I thank you all so much for listening and your support, it means a lot.

 

It's weird this is all coming up now, almost five years later, but hearing how she chose to end her life is a real shock and breaks my heart.

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Thank you so much guys, I am still trying to process, and your support helps a lot. :)

 

@abitbroken, I don't believe my brother meant to be insensitive or stir controversy.

 

HE is struggling with cancer himself right now; I created a thread about it awhile back. He's doing okay!

 

What happened was my mom could not eat hard food, she couldn't hold it down. So I'd bring her shakes and ice cream, she could eat that. But obviously needed more nutrition, hence the feeding tube.

 

Once they removed the tube at her request, her organs shut down and she died.

 

What I am struggling with now is realizing how much pain she was in, physically and emotionally, we were not close at the time of her death and a lot was kept from me.

 

We had our struggles; she abused me when I was growing up and I had a lot of anger cause of that. But we eventually made amends and she apologized, she said she raised me as her mother raised her.

 

So I forgave her but I never really forgot if that make sense.

 

So I was very distant and that hurt her deeply, she used to talk to my brothers about it.

 

Anyway, yes I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being there more, comforting her more in her last days.

 

Now, acknowledging what she was experiencing, so much pain that she made a conscience decision to end her life, I feel so ashamed and like utter crap.

 

I know no one can help me with but me, and perhaps my therapist, but again I thank you so much for listening and the support, it means a lot.

 

It's weird this is all coming up now, almost five years later, but hearing how she chose to end her life is a real shock and breaks my heart.

 

I’m sorry for your suffering. Maybe try and re frame your perspective? She was in a state of mind that allowed her to make this decision, instead of not even having that choice. She also didn’t suffer any longer. Both of those things are blessings.

 

And I think it’s less that she chose to end her life than she chose not to be in pain. Does that help maybe?

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@mld, I know you are right, and had she talked to me about it, I would have supported her decision.

 

I'm not angry at her at all for choosing that path.

 

I dunno, it's hard to explain how I am feeling; shock, sadness and guilt would best describe it I guess.

 

Oh of course, and you can feel however you feel, because this is complex!

 

It would be shocking and I have no idea what I would feel either. So I’m definitely over simplifying it - but what it boils down to, you didn’t do anything wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty. Knowing that won’t make believing it easier, but I hope with time it becomes easier to believe

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Tnx, MLD :).

 

I forgot to mention, my aunt (her sister) who had died five years earlier chose the same path.

 

Just stopped eating and refused the tube.

 

I didn't know that terminal patients have the right to do that. Or maybe we can all do that, I don't know.

 

No one can force you to eat or place you on a feeding tube or breathing machine without your permission or the permission of someone you have granted a medical power of attorney to if you're unable to make such decisions yourself.

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Yes....my grandfather many years ago, said when it was his time to go, he didn't want any feeding tubes or any kind of life support. After his wife died, it took him a few months to realize she was really "gone' and he closed his mouth and refused all food and drink.

He essentially starved to death....but it was his choice. He died 6 months after his wife of 65 years.

 

For sure you can refuse all artificial means of keeping yourself alive.

 

So sorry for your loss and it will get easier once this all gets processed.

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Wow I'm so sorry realitynut; starvation is not a pleasant way to go as your organs shut down but it's comforting to know my mum was in caring hands (hospice), and kept as comfortable as possible.

 

And yes as Holly and others said, it ended her suffering which who knows how long would have lasted.

 

Holly so sorry about your brother. :(

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Big hugs, K.

 

I wish I had some wise words to say, but really I don't. Simply that I'm sorry for the wave of emotions this has brought on, and that I know you have all the strength and compassion to ride it with grace.

 

I have a complicated relationship with my father, who is still alive, though years pass without it quite feeling that way. Our relationship stirs so much emotion in me from time to time, and I suspect it will always be like that, meaning as long as I am alive.

 

Whenever I struggle with it all—guilt, especially—I find peace, or something like peace, by getting back to the basics, which is that we love/loved each other as best we could. Whatever the other thorny facts of our dynamic—and they are numerous—I know that to be true, and really all you can ask for.

 

Not sure if that resonates at all, but knowing you only in pixels it's clear that you are someone with an incredible capacity for love. Your mother, no doubt, felt that.

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I don't believe this is suicide. (big hugs, Kat).

 

Your Mom knew there was no way to get better. She didn't want to endure so much suffering. She chose to stop the suffering.

 

We as humans, will put an animal to sleep if it is hurt or suffering badly. But for some reason, we want humans to suffer it out right till the bitter end.

 

Many countries are changing the laws on this now. They understand that people who are terminal shouldn't have to suffer it out.

There is no point to doing that to anyone.

 

My best friends Dad chose to not eat or drink when we found out he was terminal and that there was nothing that could be done.

His family supported his choice and stayed by his side until he was gone.

 

I fully support helping those who are terminal to have the suffering end early if they choose to. It's not a sin and it's not bad, it's simply kindness and in my opinion, the right thing to do when a person who is that sick and will not get better.

 

I am so sorry you went through this, Kat. Unfortunately I understood too well I have have endured similar.

Many hugs to you.

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Oh man, this gave me tears...it really does hit close to home. I miss my loved ones every single day too. I wish for even just one more day with them.

 

The pain never goes away, we just learn how to live with it and adjust. It can be in the background for ages and then hit us all over again like it did when they left.

 

But I don't believe they ever fully leave. They're still with us somehow, somewhere. And I do believe we will see them again.

 

Hang in there. xx

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Hey guys, as many of you know, I lost both my parents in 2014.

 

My dad fell, and died from a blood clot in his brain and my mom from lung cancer, or so I thought.

 

A few days ago, my brother told me that my mom's death was not actually due to cancer.

 

Oh she was terminal, in the hospital and it was only a matter of tme, but what happenrd was she told the doctors to disconnect her feeding tube (which was her choice) and she died of starvation.

 

She had told my brother she was in so much pain, did not want to live like that, in so much pain knowing it will only result in death anyway, so asked the doctors to disconnect the tube. She also wanted to be with her sister, my aunt, who had died five years earlier, from cancer.

 

After they disconnected the feeding tube, my dear mum died around a week later.

 

I'm tearing now writing this, I'm not sure how to process this.

 

Would this be considered a form of suicide?

 

I just feel so bad learning this now, almost five years later, my brother assumed I already knew.

 

My mom and I had our issues, but now I just want to give her a big hug and tell her I'm sorry she was in so much pain (physical and emotional) and tell her I love her; tbh I did not do much of that while she was alive.

 

I often feel like dying myself sometimes hoping to embrace both my mom and dad again.

 

Any words of support would be helpful, thnx for listening. :)

 

My mother stopped eating. She too had someone she wanted to see - she wanted to feel the embrace of her own mother. I still say it was cancer that took her, and I would say the same for your mother too. It seems to me they both rebelled against the heartless and uncompromising authority of disease, and exercised their option. I don't mean to be unfeeling, but you know, maybe they deserve a huzzah for exercising their voice the only way they could.

 

My mom, then my dad. I miss them. I empathize with you, K. Its a heck of thing.

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