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Thread: How to forgive a lie

  1. #1

    How to forgive a lie

    Me and my fiancť have been together for 4 years and have never had a serious arguement until now. We have been through a lot together so I trusted him with everything, he had never lied to me before (that I know of) and I have never really had to go through something like this. We have been applying for apartments and I heard of one place who discounts rent if you are a student, which we both are. So I asked for proof of his enrollment for the application and that night he told me he hasnít been in school for the last two semesters (since August) and up until this I obviously thought he was in school. He would tell me about his classes and he said he went the first couple of weeks until he was flushed out of classes for not paying tuition because he couldnít get a loan. So he would drive to the campus and sit in his car so no one would know he wasnít in school. He said he didnít tell me because he was embarrassed and thought I would be disappointed in him. It really hurt me because weíve been through a similar trial and I was very supportive. I just wish he wouldnít have lied to me about it and wasted so much money driving back and forth for no reason. Iím not really sure how to feel and I am having a hard time getting over it. I donít feel like itís worth breaking up over, I want to work through it and marry him. I just donít know how to get past the trust I lost for him and how to feel about it moving forward. Any advice or opinions would be very appreciated.

  2. #2
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    What was the similar trial? Is he working?

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    Wow this is a tough one!

    Tbh as much as I detest lying, I think my first thought would be to feel badly and wonder why he did not trust me enough to tell me the truth at the time it happened.

    I would not accuse him of anything, I would simply ask him (calmly and respectfully) why he didn't trust me. And felt he had to hide it from me, cause to me that's a bigger issue than the actual lie.

    Because if he does not trust me enough to share sensitive (and embarrassing) situations with me, then our RL doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell of working out.

    And it would cause ME to lose trust!

    So talk to him and ask him. Gauge his response.

    That's my best advice right now, what I would do.

    Best of luck and let us know.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 02-24-2019 at 02:33 PM.

  4. #4
    He was at another college farther from home and decided he wanted to be closer to home and his parents were very upset and said he would have to pay tuition for himself, hence him getting a loan. But he is working but only part time.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Bebopbarbara
    Me and my fiancť have been together for 4 years and have never had a serious arguement until now. We have been through a lot together so I trusted him with everything, he had never lied to me before (that I know of) and I have never really had to go through something like this. We have been applying for apartments and I heard of one place who discounts rent if you are a student, which we both are. So I asked for proof of his enrollment for the application and that night he told me he hasnít been in school for the last two semesters (since August) and up until this I obviously thought he was in school. He would tell me about his classes and he said he went the first couple of weeks until he was flushed out of classes for not paying tuition because he couldnít get a loan. So he would drive to the campus and sit in his car so no one would know he wasnít in school. He said he didnít tell me because he was embarrassed and thought I would be disappointed in him. It really hurt me because weíve been through a similar trial and I was very supportive. I just wish he wouldnít have lied to me about it and wasted so much money driving back and forth for no reason. Iím not really sure how to feel and I am having a hard time getting over it. I donít feel like itís worth breaking up over, I want to work through it and marry him. I just donít know how to get past the trust I lost for him and how to feel about it moving forward. Any advice or opinions would be very appreciated.
    Since this was the first time (lying) in being with him for 4 years, then this isn't a game changer. But, as we all know, lies often come in multiples. Also, you can get a better read on a person when they're under distress. Right now, he's not doing so well.

    How does he handle finances? It's one thing to be in a relationship and live apart. It's another when you're living together, and finances come into play. Is he a saver, or a spender...? You better have all of your questions "checked off" before you move in with him.

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    Originally Posted by Bebopbarbara
    He was at another college farther from home and decided he wanted to be closer to home and his parents were very upset and said he would have to pay tuition for himself, hence him getting a loan. But he is working but only part time.
    How does he support himself if only working part time? Has he been paying on the loan?

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    What does he plan to do with his future, since he will not attend school?

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    I feel a bit conflicted about this one because as I told here on another thread I too had an ex that lied about being in college and that lie lasted much longer. But in my ex's intentions were getting money and seemed more nefarious than your boyfriend's embarrassment. But this also shows that he's not in a maturity level to marry you and share his life, worries and worst moments with you. I'd reconsider at least the engagement for now. What does he intend to do then if he's not going to pursue college?

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    Originally Posted by Bebopbarbara
    He was at another college farther from home and decided he wanted to be closer to home and his parents were very upset and said he would have to pay tuition for himself, hence him getting a loan. But he is working but only part time.
    Op, there's a lot more going on then what you've listed. Parents want their kids to go to college and graduate, and not see them struggling to get by, and be saddled with student loans.

    None of this makes sense. There is a family power struggle going on here, and I wonder if you might be in the middle of it. Why did he want to be closer to home? You need to put things on hold, until this family issue gets resolved. If parents were going to pay for college, then what is the real reason why they stopped?

  11. #10
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    How old are you two? I'd tell him that as a future longterm partner, you expect that there will be no more lies, as it will end up harming your relationship--that his fear of disappointing you with the truth is a lot less harmful than hiding it.

    Don't be in any hurry to marry. In fact, the divorce rate amongst people who marry before age 25 is 75%, because often, a person hasn't had enough life experience to make a good decision about a lifetime partner yet, especially since the human brain isn't fully formed until age 25, specifically in the decision making area of the pre-frontal cortex.

    Do you even have a must-have list and dealbreaker list as to the traits your lifetime partner must possess. I strongly advise coming up with that list because love isn't enough to have a satisfying life as far as romance is concerned. Take a wait and see attitude and see if he is a guy worth continuing on with or not.

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