How to forgive a lie

Me and my fiancé have been together for 4 years and have never had a serious arguement until now. We have been through a lot together so I trusted him with everything, he had never lied to me before (that I know of) and I have never really had to go through something like this. We have been applying for apartments and I heard of one place who discounts rent if you are a student, which we both are. So I asked for proof of his enrollment for the application and that night he told me he hasn’t been in school for the last two semesters (since August) and up until this I obviously thought he was in school. He would tell me about his classes and he said he went the first couple of weeks until he was flushed out of classes for not paying tuition because he couldn’t get a loan. So he would drive to the campus and sit in his car so no one would know he wasn’t in school. He said he didn’t tell me because he was embarrassed and thought I would be disappointed in him. It really hurt me because we’ve been through a similar trial and I was very supportive. I just wish he wouldn’t have lied to me about it and wasted so much money driving back and forth for no reason. I’m not really sure how to feel and I am having a hard time getting over it. I don’t feel like it’s worth breaking up over, I want to work through it and marry him. I just don’t know how to get past the trust I lost for him and how to feel about it moving forward. Any advice or opinions would be very appreciated.

What was the similar trial? Is he working?

Wow this is a tough one!

Tbh as much as I detest lying, I think my first thought would be to feel badly and wonder why he did not trust me enough to tell me the truth at the time it happened.

I would not accuse him of anything, I would simply ask him (calmly and respectfully) why he didn't trust me. And felt he had to hide it from me, cause to me that's a bigger issue than the actual lie.

Because if he does not trust me enough to share sensitive (and embarrassing) situations with me, then our RL doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell of working out.

And it would cause ME to lose trust!

So talk to him and ask him. Gauge his response.

That's my best advice right now, what I would do.

Best of luck and let us know.

He was at another college farther from home and decided he wanted to be closer to home and his parents were very upset and said he would have to pay tuition for himself, hence him getting a loan. But he is working but only part time.

Me and my fiancé have been together for 4 years and have never had a serious arguement until now. We have been through a lot together so I trusted him with everything, he had never lied to me before (that I know of) and I have never really had to go through something like this. We have been applying for apartments and I heard of one place who discounts rent if you are a student, which we both are. So I asked for proof of his enrollment for the application and that night he told me he hasn’t been in school for the last two semesters (since August) and up until this I obviously thought he was in school. He would tell me about his classes and he said he went the first couple of weeks until he was flushed out of classes for not paying tuition because he couldn’t get a loan. So he would drive to the campus and sit in his car so no one would know he wasn’t in school. He said he didn’t tell me because he was embarrassed and thought I would be disappointed in him. It really hurt me because we’ve been through a similar trial and I was very supportive. I just wish he wouldn’t have lied to me about it and wasted so much money driving back and forth for no reason. I’m not really sure how to feel and I am having a hard time getting over it. I don’t feel like it’s worth breaking up over, I want to work through it and marry him. I just don’t know how to get past the trust I lost for him and how to feel about it moving forward. Any advice or opinions would be very appreciated.

Since this was the first time (lying) in being with him for 4 years, then this isn't a game changer. But, as we all know, lies often come in multiples. Also, you can get a better read on a person when they're under distress. Right now, he's not doing so well.

How does he handle finances? It's one thing to be in a relationship and live apart. It's another when you're living together, and finances come into play. Is he a saver, or a spender...? You better have all of your questions "checked off" before you move in with him.

He was at another college farther from home and decided he wanted to be closer to home and his parents were very upset and said he would have to pay tuition for himself, hence him getting a loan. But he is working but only part time.

How does he support himself if only working part time? Has he been paying on the loan?

What does he plan to do with his future, since he will not attend school?

I feel a bit conflicted about this one because as I told here on another thread I too had an ex that lied about being in college and that lie lasted much longer. But in my ex's intentions were getting money and seemed more nefarious than your boyfriend's embarrassment. But this also shows that he's not in a maturity level to marry you and share his life, worries and worst moments with you. I'd reconsider at least the engagement for now. What does he intend to do then if he's not going to pursue college?

He was at another college farther from home and decided he wanted to be closer to home and his parents were very upset and said he would have to pay tuition for himself, hence him getting a loan. But he is working but only part time.

Op, there's a lot more going on then what you've listed. Parents want their kids to go to college and graduate, and not see them struggling to get by, and be saddled with student loans.

None of this makes sense. There is a family power struggle going on here, and I wonder if you might be in the middle of it. Why did he want to be closer to home? You need to put things on hold, until this family issue gets resolved. If parents were going to pay for college, then what is the real reason why they stopped?

How old are you two? I'd tell him that as a future longterm partner, you expect that there will be no more lies, as it will end up harming your relationship--that his fear of disappointing you with the truth is a lot less harmful than hiding it.

Don't be in any hurry to marry. In fact, the divorce rate amongst people who marry before age 25 is 75%, because often, a person hasn't had enough life experience to make a good decision about a lifetime partner yet, especially since the human brain isn't fully formed until age 25, specifically in the decision making area of the pre-frontal cortex.

Do you even have a must-have list and dealbreaker list as to the traits your lifetime partner must possess. I strongly advise coming up with that list because love isn't enough to have a satisfying life as far as romance is concerned. Take a wait and see attitude and see if he is a guy worth continuing on with or not.

This sent a cold shiver down my spine... my late father was sacked from his job for gross professional misconduct, didn't tell my mother and for eighteen months got up in the morning, put on a suit and left the house, apparently for work. It only came to light when I dropped by his workplace to say 'Hello' and his staff looked at me as though I was deranged, before telling me what had happened. A couple of months later, he committed suicide and a whole load of other things came to light, which I won't go into on this thread.

I'd make the following observations... plenty of people drop out of college; of itself, it's not a big deal. People with healthy, honest coping mechanisms don't maintain a pretence like that; even if it's true that it was because his parents stopped funding him (and is this really true? Something doesn't smell right here) someone with a mature outlook would have discussed it with you and worked out how you were going to cope together. If it hadn't been for your apartment application then this wouldn't have come to light, possibly until you would have expected him to have graduated - and then found he'd been living a lie. Heck, even his story doesn't stack up. Sitting in his car so nobody would know he wasn't in school? Erm... didn't his classmates kinda realise he wasn't in school because, erm, he wasn't there? Was he really in the car at all? It's not just the lying by omission, though that's bad enough, but he even continued to make up stories about his classes - maintaining a carefully fabricated pretence of a life he wasn't actually leading.

If you want to get past this and marry him, think seriously. How would you expect someone like this to cope if they got into debt, say, or faced other difficulties which would impact on both of you? I'd say that dropping out of college of itself would not be worth splitting up for, but there's NO WAY ON EARTH I'd advise someone to commit to a partner who was prepared to build up a false picture like that and maintain it for so long. You need to accept that you don't really know this guy at all. As you say, you've shown yourself as loyal and supportive in the past and he still chose to deal with his situation the way he did. What you have been interacting with is an image he has created for you - and who knows how much is false, and how much is true? You don't trust him, and with good reason. There's a whole lot more to this story than you've been able to share on here, and that he's shared with you; as I say, it just doesn't stack up.

Don't try to get past the lost trust. Your instinct is there for a reason, and now you need to listen to it.

I agree with nutbrownhare. If what the guy said is true, then sure, I feel bad he felt ashamed enough to hide it. However, a fabrication on this level is a huge red flag. For all you know, there are more sinister reasons for his lying about school. He could have been using his time in any way he saw fit. I won't put ideas in your head, but I would have a difficult time even considering continuing to date this man, let alone marry him, after this huge reveal.

I don't think you can, or should. Once trust is broken it's hard to fix, if it can be fixed at all. What happens is you remain suspicious despite your best effort to put it behind. Even if tries to be honest and truthful you'll always be suspicious. He will grow to resent your suspicions. It's not a good dynamic.

If you choose to move forward, I think the odds are severely stacked against you. I disagree with others. I don't feel a modicum of empathy for him. He made a conscious and straightforward effort to deceive you. It was a complex and very serious deception. I think you really, really need to seriously consider staying with him. It will be hard to break up now. It's going to be a lot harder later, especially if your finances are joined and you have kids. Some people screw up and get straightened around. Given the nature of his deception I would probably bet against him.

While I would not compound his shame, I also would take a more realistic look at BF's capabilities to commit to marriage at this point in his life. I'd back off of imposing standards of partnership on him, and instead I'd ask him to think of ways that I can be supportive of him as someone who loves him.

Meanwhile, I'd rethink my position on early marriage. That's far too big of a commitment to take on with anyone who's in over his head.

Sorry to hear this. Stop pushing for the apt and living together. He is clearly not mature or reliable enough for this. If he needs to perpetrate this sham, you are not dealing with an honest responsible reliable person. Never cosign a lease (or any legal contract) with someone with these characteristics. Certainly do not marry someone who is capable of pulling off an entirely fictitious college attendance/life.

You need to rethink this entire relationship. What you uncovered was only stumbled upon in your quest for affordable apts., otherwise he was perfectly happy lying to you every single day. Is he using drugs or seeing someone else? Is it possible you "never argued" because you had your head in the sand?

I asked for proof of his enrollment for the application and that night he told me he hasn’t been in school for the last two semesters (since August) and up until this I obviously thought he was in school. He would tell me about his classes and he said he went the first couple of weeks until he was flushed out of classes for not paying tuition because he couldn’t get a loan. So he would drive to the campus and sit in his car so no one would know he wasn’t in school.

You think that a guy leading a double life and coming up with elaborate lies, looking you in the eye daily and lying to your face in gross detail, is something not worth breaking up over? ..... I'm so floored I don't know what to say.

This level of ongoing, serious, elaborate, manipulative deceit (including making himself out to be a victim and pulling at your empathy strings on how poor little him just didn't want to disappoint you) means your bf is pathological and you are either completely oblivious or completely in denial or both. Not to mention this isn't the first time?

His parents got angry and refused to fund his college because he wanted to move closer to home? Are you seriously buying this bs? Which part of this makes sense to you? Also, he claims to have transferred colleges and even started classes without securing funding? On what planet can you do that? Also, student loans aren't refused unless you are in default on existing student loans. The whole he couldn't get a loan makes zero sense. I would bet money that every bit of this story is a complete lie. Not even going to get into him supposedly driving to a campus and sitting in his car all day. If you are willing to buy that, I've got some ocean front property in Arizona......

Even IF you want to take pity and give him all the benefit of the doubt in the world, you are still dealing with a person who is completely disordered and unable to deal with reality. He'd rather concoct elaborate lies than admit that he failed at something and rethink his life direction by either getting a full time job or choosing to pursue something that's more in line with his capabilities and being honest with you about what's going on with him. How can you ever build a life with a person like that, live with them, trust them to pay bills, trust them with raising your children? You can't.