Bug in my head

Hi all,

Some of you know my story from past posts, but in a nutshell, my girlfriend of about 7 months left me out of the blue, even after a month of her wanting to take a "break"; she told me it might be a month, so I waited, only for her to leave me in the end. I think of this situation as the mental equivalent of being in a serious car accident, and I'm still recovering from it. I was hurt so bad, that I have fallen into a state of depression to the point that I have called 24-hour crisis lines, and I'm seeing a psychologist as well. I was so invested in our relationship, I tried so hard to make her happy, and it was all for nothing. I have since cut off all contact with her; blocked her Facebook and blocked her number. Even though I've done that, I wonder every day if she'll ever miss me and attempt to reach out to me via another form of communication. Sometimes I even find myself checking my mail to see if I'll get a letter from her, but I know it's never going to happen.

I was completely distraught, I went to the bar and drank really heavily, I cried pretty much all night, I was your classic broken person.

There has been a bug in my head for the past few months since this happened. After she had left me, my mother messaged her mother, saying how hurt I was to her and hoping for the best for her. They were on talking terms, so it was a given. I wish she would not have done that, but there was nothing I could have done at that point. My ex blocked my mother from Facebook as a result of what my mom messaged her mom. A couple weeks after she broke up with me, she told me that my mom was "rude" to her mother, and she said "vile" things to her. She even said to me "I started to miss the good times we had and thought about getting back together, but after those messages to my mom, I don't think so". I told her that I hope it didn't burn a bridge, she told me "it definitely did". I cannot describe how badly that hurt to hear that from her. Finally, a little over a month ago, she messages me out of the blue saying "I cannot say if we'll get back together or not, and I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I feel that I can't jump back into a relationship as much as I would like to", so I finally said "I'm done, I've had enough, this is goodbye". Blocked her number, and I haven't spoken to her since.

So back to the messages my mom sent to her mom; I took a look at all of the messages, and my mom was not in any way rude or vile to her like my ex was making it out to be. It really bothered me that she was trying to place a wedge between my mother and me. Part of me wants to message my ex, and tell her that my mom was not rude to her at all, because she was not rude to her. I think my ex is trying to make herself out to be the good person because she knows she hurt me really badly. There were so many things she said to me that hurt really bad. The bigger part of me is proud that I walked away from it, but another part of me also misses her.

Any advice would help. Thank you.

OP, this is not about the message your mom sent.

While Mom stepped out of line and needs to learn to stay in her lane, your ex was already done by that point. The definitive break-up would have happened regardless of what your mom said or didn't say. Your ex used that as the reason to blame you, but she wasn't about to reconcile anyway.

Don't message her. Your mom's message was largely irrelevant to the final outcome.

Be done with this. It is over.

Tell you mother to never do this again. Are you in high school, OP?

Be done with this. It is over.

 

Tell you mother to never do this again. Are you in high school, OP?

I am not, I am a grown man, college educated, with a full-time job. Quite insulting that you are asking me that, but that's just me.

I am not, I am a grown man, college educated, with a full-time job. Quite insulting that you are asking me that, but that's just me.

I'm sorry, but I could not understand why your mother would contact her mother. It was inappropriate.

I'm sorry, but I could not understand why your mother would contact her mother. It was highly inappropriate.

I agree. I live on my own, but I happened to be at my parents house when she broke up with me. Of course I'm going to need support from my family on this, because I'm hurting. I couldn't help what my mom did, and I wish she wouldn't have done that, but she did have good intentions doing what she did.

You couldn't help it, but she can't do this. I am certain she had good intentions, but she cannot do it again, as it also reflects poorly on you. Your mother cannot get involved in your romantic life.

For your own sanity, please do not reach out to this girl. Block, delete and heal.

I am not, I am a grown man, college educated, with a full-time job. Quite insulting that you are asking me that, but that's just me.

I think she was asking because of your mother having intervened, not as an insult. I also thought you were young because of your mother intervention.

I also think that it's irrelevant what your mother did to the outcome of the situation, since she wanted already out since she asked for the "break". Breaks 99% of the time means like a softer way of breaking up or of transitioning to a break up.

And no, don't message your ex saying anything. Keep her blocked and deleted.

I think she was asking because of your mother having intervened, not as an insult. I also thought you were young because of your mother intervention.

 

I also think that it's irrelevant what your mother did to the outcome of the situation, since she wanted already out since she asked for the "break". Breaks 99% of the time means like a softer way of breaking up or of transitioning to a break up.

 

And no, don't message your ex saying anything. Keep her blocked and deleted.

I wish I would have just ran away when she wanted a "break", but I was fooled. The morning after she proposed the break, I asked her "we're still not over right?" She replied, "isn't that what I said last night? This is only temporary, this isn't permanent." I was led on in the worst way, I wouldn't wish the pain I went through on anyone, not even her.

Have you looked into therapy yet for your intrusive thoughts as mentioned previously?

Don't search for excuses to contact your ex.

Have you looked into therapy yet for your intrusive thoughts as mentioned previously?

Oh, you mean the ones that I had an "extreme" reaction to like you had mentioned in that original post? Yes I have, I've been seeing a therapist for quite some time about all of that. Even though I'm receiving help for that, it still affects me to this day. But you think it's "extreme", so therefore in your eyes I must not have the right to seek help for it. It's too extreme.

Oh, you mean the ones that I had an "extreme" reaction to like you had mentioned in that original post? Yes I have, I've been seeing a therapist for quite some time about all of that. Even though I'm receiving help for that, it still affects me to this day. But you think it's "extreme", so therefore in your eyes I must not have the right to seek help for it. It's too extreme.

What?

Dude walk off the ledge.

Your reaction to visual stimuli is extreme, thats not a criticism but an acknowledgement that maybe this is an issue you should see someone about. Retreating to your parents home after a breakup is extrme, does it happen? ABSOLUTELY it doesnt make it a normal reaction to a break up, its indicative of something deeper, your words mentioned PTSD, not mine.

Im glad youre getting help, I hope you get through all this to the other side.

Your assumption I am attacking you is yet another extreme reaction and Im sorry you feel that way. The reason for me asking is youre going to keep circling the drain until you take the time to deal with your mental health. Believe it or not I am a BIG believer in mental health, look at my posts if you dont believe me, its nothing personal dealing with you, again Im sorry you feel this way.

What?

 

Dude walk off the ledge.

 

Your reaction to visual stimuli is extreme, thats not a criticism but an acknowledgement that maybe this is an issue you should see someone about. Retreating to your parents home after a breakup is extrme, does it happen? ABSOLUTELY it doesnt make it a normal reaction to a break up, its indicative of something deeper, your words mentioned PTSD, not mine.

 

Im glad youre getting help, I hope you get through all this to the other side.

 

Your assumption I am attacking you is yet another extreme reaction and Im sorry you feel that way. The reason for me asking is youre going to keep circling the drain until you take the time to deal with your mental health. Believe it or not I am a BIG believer in mental health, look at my posts if you dont believe me, its nothing personal dealing with you, again Im sorry you feel this way.

What I interpreted was when I mentioned what my dad did to me growing up, pushing me to a wall and other things, that you said to me that my reaction to that was to "extreme". That's how I interpreted it as, because that's what it sounded like to me. I messaged you about that, but you never got back to me.

BTW, I did not "retreat" to my parents home after the breakup, I was already there when it happened. Plus, how is it "extreme" for me to go and seek support from my family during a bad time in my life? What do you do when you go through bad times in your life?

What?

 

Dude walk off the ledge.

 

Your reaction to visual stimuli is extreme, thats not a criticism but an acknowledgement that maybe this is an issue you should see someone about. Retreating to your parents home after a breakup is extrme, does it happen? ABSOLUTELY it doesnt make it a normal reaction to a break up, its indicative of something deeper, your words mentioned PTSD, not mine.

 

Im glad youre getting help, I hope you get through all this to the other side.

 

Your assumption I am attacking you is yet another extreme reaction and Im sorry you feel that way. The reason for me asking is youre going to keep circling the drain until you take the time to deal with your mental health. Believe it or not I am a BIG believer in mental health, look at my posts if you dont believe me, its nothing personal dealing with you, again Im sorry you feel this way.

What visual stimuli?

What I interpreted was when I mentioned what my dad did to me growing up, pushing me to a wall and other things, that you said to me that my reaction to that was to "extreme". That's how I interpreted it as, because that's what it sounded like to me. I messaged you about that, but you never got back to me.

 

BTW, I did not "retreat" to my parents home after the breakup, I was already there when it happened. Plus, how is it "extreme" for me to go and seek support from my family during a bad time in my life? What do you do when you go through bad times in your life?

False.

My former girlfriend before her told me that when she babysat kids, she would “spank them until they start crying so she knows it’s working”.

 

I don’t know if there is something wrong with me, but every time I heard those, or anything else like that, my mind gets really disturbed. I get really bad images in my head of a child getting hurt by someone who is supposed to love them, like the child crying after being hit. I’d probably cry myself after seeing something like that. I just can’t understand how a parent can love their child, yet cause them physical pain as a way of “nurturing” them, that feeling to me is further disturbing. When my first ex told me about what she did to the kids she babysat, I wanted to tell her to just zip it, but I let my self control take its course. Apparently it’s highly acceptable to do that. I get a really depressing feeling when I think about things like that.

The bold is what I said was extreme, not a judgement, stated that in my original response, again its something to see someone about, I would guess you have some unresolved issues that probably followed you as baggage into your relationships causing you to not be able to let go, causing your current state.

I had unresolved issues, including severe self esteem issues and a distorted idea of healthy relationships, abusive childhood too led me to an abusive marriage, how did I handle the aftermath? I was in a fog for about two months. Once that cleared I was blessed enough to be in new surrounding, that helped me, family and friends helped me, therapy, I had a therapist who just listened for a little more than a year, he served his purpose I then moved into more intense therapy and it helped me finally put my baggage down. Im far from 'fixed' but my 'issues' are manageable. Certain stimuli, quick movements, trigger me, they may always, but I dont retreat, I've learned through therapy how to cope.

Again Im sorry you think Im judging you. I must say Im not sure what type of assistance you are seeking. Again, I think you're circling the drain. Im sorry youre going through this and I hope you are able to find peace soon, do not contact her.

So tell me this, why do you think my reactions were extreme? I still don't quite understand that, then again I don't know you at all.

I can understand why you're hurting. It's a lesson learned, and I had to learn it a very similar way to you. Never wait around for a person to make up their mind about whether they want to be with you. The act of waiting communicates that you are desperate and dependent on their love to feel okay. Additionally, each day they spend "making their decision" they are actively choosing to not be with you. Usually, the waiting is done in a state of torment, and the ending is almost always the same: the person cuts things off for good, feeling certain that breaking up is the right thing to do, and you're left with the fresh breakup pain.

I think the responses on here to you have been a little unnecessarily curt, which I believe is contributing to your defensiveness. Sometimes people on this forum provide empathetic responses and sometimes they don't. I can't tell you why advice for your situation was not delivered in a kinder way. What I can tell you is that the other posters are essentially right. It's time to seek professional help to move past this breakup. There is no shame in doing this. I've had to do it myself, and it has benefited my mental health and other aspects of my life enormously. As long as you are ruminating about contacting this woman, you will feel stuck and unable to move forward.

This is not to say that even with help the path will be easy. However, it is the path of least pain, though it may not seem like it now. A wise person once said to me, "Let the bonfire burn." What was meant by the statement was that there is a certain amount of pain inevitable after a breakup, but through rumination and repeated attempts to contact our ex, we add kindle to the flame. If we sit with the pain and allow it to be without taking further action, eventually the fire burns out and we are left with only a small ember that is occasionally unpleasant but bearable. I wish you luck in getting over this woman. Happier days are ahead.

I can understand why you're hurting. It's a lesson learned, and I had to learn it a very similar way to you. Never wait around for a person to make up their mind about whether they want to be with you. The act of waiting communicates that you are desperate and dependent on their love to feel okay. Additionally, each day they spend "making their decision" they are actively choosing to not be with you. Usually, the waiting is done in a state of torment, and the ending is almost always the same: the person cuts things off for good, feeling certain that breaking up is the right thing to do, and you're left with the fresh breakup pain.

 

I think the responses on here to you have been a little unnecessarily curt, which I believe is contributing to your defensiveness. Sometimes people on this forum provide empathetic responses and sometimes they don't. I can't tell you why advice for your situation was not delivered in a kinder way. What I can tell you is that the other posters are essentially right. It's time to seek professional help to move past this breakup. There is no shame in doing this. I've had to do it myself, and it has benefited my mental health and other aspects of my life enormously. As long as you are ruminating about contacting this woman, you will feel stuck and unable to move forward.

 

This is not to say that even with help the path will be easy. However, it is the path of least pain, though it may not seem like it now. A wise person once said to me, "Let the bonfire burn." What was meant by the statement was that there is a certain amount of pain inevitable after a breakup, but through rumination and repeated attempts to contact our ex, we add kindle to the flame. If we sit with the pain and allow it to be without taking further action, eventually the fire burns out and we are left with only a small ember that is occasionally unpleasant but bearable. I wish you luck in getting over this woman. Happier days are ahead.

I love your bonfire analogy, never thought of it that way. Thank you for your input.

What I interpreted was when I mentioned what my dad did to me growing up, pushing me to a wall and other things, that you said to me that my reaction to that was to "extreme". That's how I interpreted it as, because that's what it sounded like to me. I messaged you about that, but you never got back to me.

 

BTW, I did not "retreat" to my parents home after the breakup, I was already there when it happened. Plus, how is it "extreme" for me to go and seek support from my family during a bad time in my life? What do you do when you go through bad times in your life?

You are twisting her words. We all support that you are seeking help. You are doing what is best.

Why did you move back to your folks, if they are a part of the problem?

You are twisting her words. We all support that you are seeking help. You are doing what is best.

 

Why did you move back to your folks, if they are a part of the problem?

Because I didn't expect my mom to message my ex the way that she did. Of course when I'm going through a tough time, I'm going to go to my family for support.

You moved in with your parents because you broke up with this girl?

You moved in with your parents because you broke up with this girl?

I thought he had gone there to talk to them but not actually move with them because of the break up. I'm assuming him and the ex didn't live together at 7 months. So I assumed he was just there one day to talk to them and not actually move.

Sorry this happened. This is a case of 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'. Ask your mother to keep things confidential. Yes block and delete the ex and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

So tell me this, why do you think my reactions were extreme? I still don't quite understand that, then again I don't know you at all.

I literally just answered you with quotes and everything.

For whatever reason despite what coddling responders may think, you’re looking for a fight, all I asked was:

‘We’re you seeking help’

You then went on the attack towards me, an extreme reaction to a question. You’ve handled questions before in stride, why youre suddenly becoming so agitated and defensive is incredibly telling about where you are in your healing journey.

Again, as I’ve said multiple times, In sorry you feel I’m attacking you with my use of the word ‘extreme’ my use mean ‘very outside of the ordinary’ your reactions to events and certain stimuli are ‘very outside of the ordinary’ again ITS NOT A JUDGEMENT it’s an observation from a person who also went through trauma. I’m not using your words against you I’m using them to attempt to get a clearer picture. You state you suffer from depression, PTSD, intrusive thoughts among other things, and you’re going through a breakup.

You are not going to get through this having people pat you on the head. It is going to be a hard journey but you have to do it. You are describing how you attach to your girlfriends in previous posts and I recognize you see nothing wrong with it but I think you might be codependently latching onto them so when they leave your entire world is rocked.

You have to get help, you have to heal, I think others mentioned EMDR. I don’t know if your current Dr. uses those methods or if you called a few crisis hotlines and are telling us you’re in therapy as a defense ( really you are uncharacteristicly defensive in your latest posts)

Either way as I keep mentioning you are circling the drain and you have got to stop, slow down, and start taking care of yourself.

I truly do wish you luck.

PS - guys if you’re gonna indirectly mention my words or your impression of my words at the very least take the 30 seconds it tales to click on a posters history to get a clearer idea.. it’s not hard...