Overly Clingy Colleague

Firstly, sorry for the length of this post!

A few months ago, I drove a colleage who I was friendly with to the supermarket at lunch time (she doesn't drive). A couple of days later, she asked if she could come on my lunchtime walk, so she could see the route. That was fine. Gradually it has become that every lunch time, she invites herself on my lunch break. No matter what I am doing. Every day I get a message from her on the work Skype asking what time "we're" having lunch. I never invite her, but she always just comes with me. When I was going to meet my husband in town, she said that she could come too. I gently said that he and I were having a lunch date and she said "well, I can come in the car and then look around the shops whilst you two eat lunch" when I said "no" to that, she asked if I would buy her some of the same lunch that we were having! I had to lie and say that i didn't know where we were going yet.

She just can't take no for an answer. On Tues, she said she asked if we could drive to the chip shop on Wed lunch. I said I didnt want chips. She said "I'll just treat you to a cone" and I said "no, I dont want to have chips thanks" and she said "ok, you can have some of mine". I was like "no...I...dont...want...chips". Wed morning, she sent me a WhatsApp message to say she had some cash with her, so we could go to the chip shop and she'd treat me to a cone. I didn't respond until I got to work and said "I dont want to have chips thanks" and she was like "ok, you can have a few of mine". So I said she was like a chip pusher! She said "I was only trying to be nice! Fine, I'll get my lunch somewhere else" And blocked me for like half an hour on the work Skype. I was quite relieved and went to lunch on my own. Then she sent me a passive aggressive WhatsApp saying "I presume we're not having lunch together then". Then another apologising for snapping. Then, when I was back at my desk, she asked for a slice of my bread because she didn't have any lunch with her! The sandwich van had been round and there is a shop within walking distance!

Thurs night, she sent me 6 messages, even though I did not respond to any of them.

Fri morning, she followed me to the kitchen to ask about my weekend and then later, into the loo. She stood in the doorway, so I couldn't get out without asking her to move!

I’ve told her that I will be going to an elderly family friends house on Tuesday lunchtimes from now on and she suggested that she comes with me.

I said that the friend is sick and often in her nightie and won’t want someone else there and she said "oh, I dont mind if shes in her nightie" and then suggested that she could walk down with me and then go for a walk if the friend doesn’t want her to come in.

I said that she wouldn’t want her to come in and she said ‘that’s ok, I am happy to walk down with you for the walk’.

I took on the social committee, she joined, so we have to spend time together.

I am on first aid training off site this Tuesday. The other first aider has stepped down and an email went out asking for volunteers, guess what… she has booked herself onto it as well.

Now she’s saying I can park my car at her house and walk to the training centre together – she wants to have lunch at her house.

I am already thinking I can be ‘running late’ and just meet her at the training centre.

I keep saying ‘no’ and being very vague – she just won’t get the message.

I put my Skype thing at work onto do not disturb and she sent me emails saying that my Skype wasn't letting her message me! I turned the blue ticks off on WhatsApp and she keeps telling me how to turn them back on in settings. No one else even noticed! I haven't had a single lunch time to myself for weeks and weeks now. I am so stressed!!

The problem is, before it all got so intense, she suggested that one day we should go to Pizza Express after work and I thought that sounded like a nice idea at the time. Now I really do not want to do that, but she keeps mentioning it and trying to pin me down to a day.

I am at a point where I cant stop thinking about it. I dread looking at my phone because I know there will be a message from her. I dread going to work, because she will crowd me. I dread lunch time, because I cant get any peace! I just dont know what to do! I really hate conflict, but it seems that I am going to have to tell her to leave me alone.

I keep saying ‘no’ and being very vague – she just won’t get the message.

I am at a point where I cant stop thinking about it. I dread looking at my phone because I know there will be a message from her. I dread going to work, because she will crowd me. I dread lunch time, because I cant get any peace! I just dont know what to do! I really hate conflict, but it seems that I am going to have to tell her to leave me alone.

Unfortunately, it looks like you are going to have to be very direct and specific.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like she will have some sort of reaction. So, be prepared.

Do you have a human resources department at work? It would probably be a good idea to let them (or your boss) know what is happening, how you plan to deal with it, and how you think she may react. That way, when she does react, they will understand what is going on.

We are a satellite (and so very small) office. The HR dept is in the headquarters. I have spoken to my boss about it and he seems at a loss as to how to deal with it.

I think you're right. The direct approach is looking to be the only way.

What a nut! I am so sorry.

You are going to have to be direct. Do not give in! Stay strong!

I have spoken to my boss about it and he seems at a loss as to how to deal with it.

I'm just saying you should let them/him know what is going on. That way, if she has a conniption fit, the office will be prepared.

Oh right, yes definitely.

Thanks guys!

Do you know why she seems to be desperate for friends or comes across as slightly unhinged? Is she new at work/in town? Discretely begin to reset more of your social media and messaging apps to the most private settings and try to phase her completely on any personal devices/apps. Start being as vague, bland and noncommittal as possible. Never share plans or personal info. Ever.

Start using phrases such as "I'll have to see", Maybe", "I'm not sure",etc. Unfortunately since you work with her you'll have to be diplomatic, discrete and professional. However you can back up much more than you have been. For example there is zero reason to socialize outside of work or ride share etc.

Talking will not help as much as doing. Also never put Anything in writing or make any official complaint, it makes you look petty, unprofessional and as if you're the unhinged one. Do not go to the boss with this. Your lack of appropriate boundaries is not a company problem. It would look incredibly ridiculous to go to management and complain that you don't want to have lunch or go for pizza after work with someone. This is not kindergarten. And this is your problem to solve by not socializing this much.

Do you know why she seems to be desperate for friends or comes across as slightly unhinged? Is she new at work/in town? Discretely begin to reset more of your social media and messaging apps to the most private settings and try to phase her completely on any personal devices/apps. Start being as vague, bland and noncommittal as possible. Never share plans or personal info. Ever.

 

Also never put Anything in writing or make any official complaint, it makes you look petty, unprofessional and as if you're the unhinged one. Do not go to the boss with this. Your lack of appropriate boundaries is not a company problem. It would look incredibly ridiculous to go to management and complain that you don't want to have lunch or go for pizza after work with someone. This is not kindergarten. And this is your problem to solve by not socializing this much.

She is not new. She was at the office before I was and that has been almost two years now.

Yes, I do have an awfully difficult time saying "no", which I recognise as my problem. I really hate conflict and I think I have been very stressed about causing it by not acquiesting to her requests. I still feel awful, as she isn't a horrible person, she is just way too full on and I feel completely overcrowded. However, it cant just be how I respond, because this hasn't happened with any other people. I have plenty of normal friendships and aquatences.

It is like I am put in a situation where I don't have "no" as an option. "I'm busy" is always met with "oooh, what are you up to? Where are you going? Can I come?"

I had/ still kind of having a problem with a 'friend' like this who I have to see.

What I did was say... Its nothing personal, but I like my own space and I do not have the headspace or time in life to deal with this right now. Its nothing personal, but I enjoy my quiet time and need this time for myself.

I also had to be firm and say 'No, this is my decision, please stop repeatedly asking me and respect my decision and boundaries'. Obviously this person got stressy, but they got the message. They have tried and been manipulative in other ways and moved on, but my boundaries are up! I know its difficult but you need to really set boundaries, in a nice... polite way but FIRM AND STERN so this doesnt happen again.... but she will react badly, but you can just be stern.

Its super hard and I feel for you, but you can do this :)

 

Yes, I do have an awfully difficult time saying "no", which I recognise as my problem. I really hate conflict and I think I have been very stressed about causing it by not acquiesting to her requests. I still feel awful, as she isn't a horrible person, she is just way too full on and I feel completely overcrowded. However, it cant just be how I respond, because this hasn't happened with any other people. I have plenty of normal friendships and aquatences.

 

It is like I am put in a situation where I don't have "no" as an option. "I'm busy" is always met with "oooh, what are you up to? Where are you going? Can I come?"

you are the same as me, I have had to learn the hard way many times. From now on, you are going to HAVE to be firm and say no. Stop replying to messages, etc. Its what I have had to do, recently and its super stressful at first but after they get the hint you feel so much at ease with it all. There is a lot of power in NO and these people are pro manipulators, whether they mean to be or not.

It's your job to learn boundaries and appropriate answers to nosy or intrusive questions like this. At this point your need to be liked and excess people pleasing is causing this. Yet you are acting in a passive-aggressive manner by being saccharine to her face but despising her covertly making her out to be almost a stalker. Then thinking of yourself as some victim of her wanting to tag along. However you don't assert any boundaries.

She's weird but that doesn't help you. What will help you is consulting a therapist about wanting to popular and Ms nice guy and all that. Especially getting some tips on healthy responses to people like this rather than continually complaining but not doing anything about it. These are as unhealthy as Ms nosy/intrusive. There will always be nosy, clingy, whatever people a good repertoire of strategies and learning to deal with all sorts of people is always good to have in your toolbox.

"I'm busy" is always met with "oooh, what are you up to? Where are you going? Can I come?"

It's your job to learn boundaries and appropriate answers to nosy or intrusive questions like this. At this point your need to be liked and excess people pleasing is causing this. Yet you are acting in a passive-aggressive manner by being saccharine to her face but despising her covertly making her out to be almost a stalker. Then thinking of yourself as some victim of her wanting to tag along. However you don't assert any boundaries.

 

She's weird but that doesn't help you. What will help you is consulting a therapist about wanting to popular and Ms nice guy and all that. Especially getting some tips on healthy responses to people like this rather than continually complaining but not doing anything about it. These are as unhealthy as Ms nosy/intrusive. There will always be nosy, clingy, whatever people a good repertoire of strategies and learning to deal with all sorts of people is always good to have in your toolbox.

Your comment to be respected over liked has stuck in my mind wiseman2

Your comment to be respected over liked has stuck in my mind wiseman2

Jellybean2018 - sounds like you and I are defo in the same boat. Something to work on!

Thank you all for all of your comments.

Let us know the outcome... there are some good meditation videos on youtube by michael sealey and jason stephenson that I do when things get too much.

People like that only understand rude and direct responses. I would say, look we are not friends and I don’t want to spend any time with you. Stop pestering me. It is harassment. “

Yikes.

Yes, you will have to be direct, succinct, and firm. And do not add in any of our typical female "apologies" we do when we say something like this. In other words, don't say, "I'm sorry, but I can't have lunch today", or "apologies, but I would like to eat alone".

Say it like a man would say it: Simple, and direct:

"I'll be eating alone today". Period. If she offers chips, or rides, or wants to tag along, keep repeating: "I'll be eating alone today".

And remember, "No" is a complete sentence.

Yikes.

 

Yes, you will have to be direct, succinct, and firm. And do not add in any of our typical female "apologies" we do when we say something like this. In other words, don't say, "I'm sorry, but I can't have lunch today", or "apologies, but I would like to eat alone".

 

Say it like a man would say it: Simple, and direct:

"I'll be eating alone today". Period. If she offers chips, or rides, or wants to tag along, keep repeating: "I'll be eating alone today".

 

And remember, "No" is a complete sentence.

Yes, as women we apologize for too much, even the mistakes of others . And we are seen as nasty if we are direct .In middle-age I’ve learned we need to be direct . Sometimes it’s the only thing people understand .

I am adding a comment because I feel so badly you’re going through this and you’ve gotten great advice. I would say no firmly and like others have suggested “thanks and I need my space to be on my own or with non work people right now. I will let you know when I have time. Last night I was at dinner with my child and others including my husband and mother and friends. A lonely woman (yes we could tell) interjected comments a few times about my child saying she was a retired teacher. All pleasant. A regular customer there. Anyway at some point she came over to my child’s seat and I thought too close physically and started speaking to him and my husband. I got up from my seat and walked over right next to her. This way I could body block her if she stepped closer. I also said “lovely to meet you have a good night !” She didn’t take the hint till later. My family friend asked why I got up. She was surprised. I think people have different ideas about personal space. I’m pretty sensitive to it. Good luck with this difficult person !

What would I tell her? Look, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm the type of person who needs to destress midway through the work day. I like my alone time at lunch because it's the only time I get it during the day. Otherwise, I get really grouchy.

Good luck. If she doesn't get the point and keeps e-mailing and texting about lunch, take her aside again and be stronger. "What is it that you're not understanding? You're causing stress for me in the workplace and it's making me uncomfortable."

You can't stop her from joining the same committees as you, but keep your conversation with her as pleasant hellos but don't ask her questions about her life and don't answer her questions if they are intrusive and inappropriate. Hopefully she'll grow bored and leave you alone.

Also, I wouldn't add the stuff about needing to visit an elderly relative, or that you want to eat alone, or whatever.

With a normal person, this would suffice, but this woman unfortunately will respond as she has been, that she doesn't mind going to your sick friend's house in their pj's, or whatever.

A simple "No, I'll be eating alone today". Period. One short sentence, repeat as needed.

Don’t make any statements that are wishywashy or give her a way in.

 

A simple "No, I'll be eating alone today". Period. One short sentence, repeat as needed.

It sounds though that this person would respond that you could eat alone together.

A lot of great advice here.

My two cents: Like Jellybean, I am also like you, OP and I have been there. Somehow the unhinged people have a radar for people like us.

Here's my experience: You're going to have to be direct, like LHGirl advises. Your heart will pound and you might even get anxious right before you do it, and during. But it will feel good! It will be like a natural high.

Look, you have to break eggs to make an omelet, and in this instance, you MUST break those eggs -for your sake and for hers. Why for hers, you ask? This frustration will build inside you until you go bonkers. Don't hold it in. Don't punish yourself just because someone else doesn't know how to back the F up.

My point is, you have to hurt her feelings a little or else you're going to be miserable for most of your waking hours. Look at it this way: She is being rude by assuming you two are attached at the hip; therefore the normal rules for being nice to people don't apply to her in this case. If you don't say something, she's just going to dig her claws into you for the entire duration of both of your employment, and I know you don't want that.

You have to do it!

Her: "Hey what are you doing for lunch?"

You: "I'm having lunch alone."

Her: "I'll come with you. We can eat chips-"

You: "I'm having lunch alone."

Her: "haha, you're funny. So as I was saying-"

(if repeating doesn't work, move a level up.)

You: (firmly but not raising voice) "No. I am eating alone." Smile politely.

Her: "But what am I supposed to do? Can you bring me back a sandwich-"

You: "Have a good lunch! See you later."

Do not engage, do not enable. Don't let her draw you into her web. You are not responsible for her meal. She is a big girl; it is her job to take care of herself. Don't let her manipulate you, emotionally or otherwise. Understand that she likely has emotional issues, but again you are not her therapist nor her saviour. It is not being rude, it is taking care of you, because in clinging to your every move, she is "taking away" from you and your emotional health.

Take it back.

people like that only understand rude and direct responses. I would say, look we are not friends and i don’t want to spend any time with you. Stop pestering me. It is harassment. “

lol. Wow!