Doss this sound like controlling behavior?

My partner and I have a toddler and a newborn baby together. It's been a rough adjustment and he had barely any time off before returning to work. I'm staying at home with both children and it is very taxing. My toddler is into EVERYTHING. I run after him all day plus juggle the babies needs and it exhausts me!

My parents live less than two hours away and are actually both at home atm. For reasons I won't go into depth for they cannot come stay with us (various reasons why it just doesnt make sense for them to). They are dying for me to go over so they can spend time with their grandchildren. My mom begs me and it's all she talks about. I would go over for days at a time (even a few days before I gave birth actually( with my son and they would give immense help with my son.

Anyway I want to go over there for awhile. Just a week anyway since he isn't around during weekdays. And he is saying he doesn't like that. He doesn't want us going and doesn't want the children's routine disrupted and various other silly reasons. I don't drive so he is pretty much refusing to drive us over there.....

I find it immature bc he knows I could use help and he knows my parents are home and very able. It seems like a control thing Imo and he has always had a bad attitude toward my parents.

And now I have to tell my mom he won't take us over (she planned so many things and was so excited.). I can ask them to get us but then I'm going against what he is saying and it'll start issues within our relationship. And he's making himself look bad to my parents Imo refusing to take us.

Am I overthinking this or is his behavior a bit controlling and manipulative.?, I know I have to pick my battles but all his family is around us where we live and I'm constantly surrounded by them yet I barely see my own and I don't find it very fair.

I guess I don't understand why he doesn't want you to go. Could you tell us a little more about his reason why he refuses to take you? I don't know if off bat I feel his behavior is manipulative and controlling, but it's definitely strange he doesn't approve of you getting some help.

Do you drive? Why can't your parents come to you?

He is definitely being a jerk. Has he always been this way?

Sgh - that is my thing. He knows how our toddler is and how busy I am right now. I feel like he should support whatever helps me get through. The reasons he gave me were insignificant he pretty much just thinks we need to stay in our home and not take them anywhere and I need to get used to doing it on my own anyway.

Hollyj- no I don't drive and they can potentially get me which is probably what is going to happen but then he is going to say I'm disrespecting his wishes etc. And if I tell them we aren't coming I know they will be upset and question...

He is not your father (controlling), and is being super selfish. Have your parents pick you up, and stay with them for a week.

Does he help with the kids?

Hes not always a jerk he is quite helpful at home and with our kids but he often talks badly about my parents for no reason. No idea why. He said he'd stop but he seems to not be able to help himself...

Why do you allow him to disrespect your family? Why would you have children with someone like this?

"seems to not be able to help himself..." C'mon. He knows he can do it, because you allow it. I would never allow a partner to speak badly of my parents.

What does he say?

You do know that he is disrespecting you, when he speaks badly of them.

 

Hollyj- no I don't drive and they can potentially get me which is probably what is going to happen but then he is going to say I'm disrespecting his wishes etc. And if I tell them we aren't coming I know they will be upset and question...

I'd tell him that he's disrespecting MY wishes to go visit MY parents and get some help with the kids. He sounds like a jerk to me.

Can you get a ride from family or friends? Take your kids to your folks for a visit, you don't need permission for that.

Why should he make a 4-hour round trip just for the benefit of not seeing his wife and kids (particularly his newborn son or daughter) for a week? I'm not sure why this was even asked of him. I have zero idea how people are surmising he's the one who's selfish.

Can I ask why you don't drive? Think about getting your license so you're not dependent on others to get around. What would I say? "Listen, our marriage should be about what we each want, and when we disagree, we need to come to a consensus. It's not a dictatorship. I miss my parents and I want them to spend quality time with our children. Seven days isn't much out of 365 days of the year. How about you drive us halfway and my parents will meet us halfway?"

What if he refuses? I'd mention how his being so unreasonable is affecting the marriage for the worse and you'd like him to go to marriage counseling. This will show him the seriousness of the matter. You need to stop being a doormat. If he badmouths your parents, I'd say: I love my parents and it hurts me when you speak poorly of them. Please keep your thoughts to yourself.

If you are a doormat and go along with, or give into his agenda every time, he will know you will stick around for that treatment and he can keep up that bad behavior. If you have a spine and fight for what you want, and it's a reasonable request, maybe he'll start seeing you as an equal instead of a subordinate.

Perhaps speak to him and figure out what his reasons are. For some reason, my cultural senses are tingling. Are you and your husband from different cultures/ethnic backgrounds? Do you and your husband share a parenting style? What is your parents' view of parenting?

J.man brought up a thought I had. A four hour round trip is a long drive. I think there are other issues that aren't being voiced here, however, that may shed light on his behavior. I am not condoning him not allowing you to get help, but until it's clear why, it is difficult to tell if it is controlling behavior or not.

Why should he make a 4-hour round trip just for the benefit of not seeing his wife and kids (particularly his newborn son or daughter) for a week? I'm not sure why this was even asked of him. I have zero idea how people are surmising he's the one who's selfish.

Yes, I don't think your husband is controlling. It sounds to me like you are a young family. Your husband barely got any time off to bond with his newborn, and then straight back to work. It's understandable he not only wants you and kids home so he can spend that time with them too, but that he doesn't want to drive you. It's understandable too what he said about you learning to manage being with the kids alone.

I wondered if part of the problem he had with your folks is that you rely on them too much? That you aren't as independent as he'd like to see, especially now that you are a mom and the kids do need to rely on you.

I'm not saying you are this terrible person. God , far from it. And getting help is fine, it's good. Just the way you have framed this all, it struck me as you may be still rather used to relying on others a bit too much - husband, parents.

Where does the bad blood between you husband and your parents come from?

Reading between the lines here, there appears to be some.

I never got the answer as to why he trash talks her parents!

OP, why don't you drive?

You do not need permission to go visit your family. We're talking a week or so, right? Not six months. If he won't take you then get a ride. No big.

Bonding with his newborn won't suffer from a short visit.

On one hand, I agree with j.man. That's a really long drive. He needs his time off to be with his kids, to chill out, help you, etc. But, as you stated "since he isn't around during weekdays" I would ask either his parents or a good friend to pick you up on a Monday and drive you back on a Friday. Just saying. Do you have any siblings that might take you? In a way, I can understand why he wouldn't want you to change your children's routine. Sorry, but that's just my opinion. No, you don't need permission to visit your family but, at the same time, do his parents have all the things needed for your kids (crib, toys, etc)? I would think that it's a hassle going to your parents with two very young kids.

Personally, I think your parents should come and visit you. If they are unable to stay at your house, they might consider staying at a nearby hotel/motel. I think that might be easier all around for you. I would think that a two hour drive would not be a picnic with a newborn and a toddler. If he doesn't like your parents, that's his problem and he should make an effort to be gracious, despite how he feels towards them. Your parents have as much of a right to see their grand kids as his parents do.

Also, why does he not like your parents??

Thanks everyone for your input.

To answer a few questions. I don't have my lisecnce mainly bc I haven't got around to it before having my children. Grew up in a large city where public transportation was the norm. And then went to university where I couldn't afford anything other than that anyway. Then had these babies shortly after. My dh is encouraging me to get it asap and I do intend to as he does want me to be independant. It's too hard to take a bus long distance with two young kids.

I do realize it's not his responsibility.

And also yes so there is backstory about some of his dislike toward my parents and there also is cultural differences and different views. However he knows I don't approve and promised he would stop making negative remarks and could not keep that promise for longer than a week so. I know it is disrespectful and it really bothers me. I know some of the reasons for it but they have blown over and my parents are never anything but nice to him nowadays so yeah.

And I can also agree he doesn't want kids and me gone and wants me to be in dependant. However I just feel he often doesn't want me around MYYY family and it's unfair as I moved to his hometown and gave up a lot as far as being close to my friends and family

And also yes so there is backstory about some of his dislike toward my parents and there also is cultural differences and different views. However he knows I don't approve and promised he would stop making negative remarks and could not keep that promise for longer than a week so. I know it is disrespectful and it really bothers me. I know some of the reasons for it but they have blown over and my parents are never anything but nice to him nowadays so yeah.

There it is. Often these differences don't seem like a big deal until you're in the thick of actually raising children. Then, these differences and views matter a lot! It sounds like there have been harsh words on both sides between him and your parents, and even though you think it's "blown over", it simply hasn't. Have an open discussion about his concerns with you going to see your parents and really listen to what he has to say. He is your partner, and it isn't controlling for him to have a say on how his children are raised. i understand you feeling overwhelmed, but in the grand scheme of things, what difference is one week at your parents going to make? If you want your relationship with your husband to last, you need to try to accept him for who he is and compromise.

Sgh - that is my thing. He knows how our toddler is and how busy I am right now. I feel like he should support whatever helps me get through. The reasons he gave me were insignificant he pretty much just thinks we need to stay in our home and not take them anywhere and I need to get used to doing it on my own anyway.

 

Hollyj- no I don't drive and they can potentially get me which is probably what is going to happen but then he is going to say I'm disrespecting his wishes etc. And if I tell them we aren't coming I know they will be upset and question...

You as the mother of the children have the right to have wishes and needs too. You're the one who spends most time with the children. It's not like you're asking something that demands spending money like hiring a babysitter or something that would make his life harder. You're just asking to spend some time at your parents to get help with your children. I don't see the big deal here or why he's so upset.

Does he have a bad relationship with your parents? Does he often try to isolate you from people?

What bare the cultural differences? The solution is to ask your family and/or friends to help you obtain a license asap. Many people don't get along with in-laws or don't want to spend that much time with them.

Stop being so dependent and blaming him for your move to this "small town away from family". No one had a gun to your head to move, get have babies and not learn to drive. You are not a hostage there, are you?

Why can't you and your family figure a way and means to your independence and travel and visits? Would they refuse to help you get a license or car? They refuse to visit you? They refuse to sit for the kids?

My dh is encouraging me to get it asap and I do intend to as he does want me to be independant. there also is cultural differences and different views. it's unfair as I moved to his hometown and gave up a lot as far as being close to my friends and family

Contact your local hospital for a referral to babysitting services that you can use while you take driving lessons. Then you can obtain your license and make any drives you wish.