I am 4 months pregnant and my boyrfriend has not told his sons mother.

Hello All, I am 22 and he is 23, he was with his son's mother for nearly 6 years, he has been separated from her for nearing 2 years but never dated until me. We met last year in august and began dating september, in November I got Pregnant and we have been together since. He has asked me to move in with him, even got a bigger home for us, his son, his brother, and our baby. The issues is he wants me to move soon, but has not told his sons mother, his son is 5, turning 6 this year. He wants me to move in with him so he can care for me(epeileptic), be less stressed, sinced I am epileptic, and be a family. But he hasnt even told his sons mother hes with me or dating me, let alone pregnant. He says it will be awkward and hoped id move in so he can say to her"oh by the way shes pregnant". It makes me feel as if he still may have feelings for her and is protecting her feelings by not telling her. He has mentioned that he wants to marry me and spend his life with me but i feel hes just in love with the idea of me , I am 22 work, go to sollege for 3 degrees, am scholarshipped, and iam planning to become a doctor. I am fairly independant. What should I do?If i bring it up i sound insecure. Please help? I am aware there is a child, and I have even denied going over while he is there because his mother would not know, I place his son before my own needs, reason I know i should be patient.

Does that mean his son doesn't know yet either or?

He definitley needs to tell her but I don't think it means anything suspicous. He probably just wants to keep it private - maybe thinking she won't react well? I have no idea but she's going to find out one way or another. Just press him on it and let him know he needs to share this info with the rest of his family. Their son together is going to be a big brother and your famalies are going to officially be intermixed now so he may as well get used to keeping communications open.

What is your current role with the son anyway?

I don't understand why you have chosen to fixate on this one detail. You don't get to police how your partner manages his other relationships, none of them. You either trust him or you don't. It sounds like his words and behavior are consistent, and are indicative of some sort of future together.

Having said that: he sounds avoidant; in classic pairing, perhaps you tend to overreach. Is this a fair guess? If so... you will need to reassess how you draw your boundaries, and perhaps think about how he draws his. And then accept that he goes through life the way that is comfortable for him, which is likely very different from what is comfortable for you.

Look Gianna you are going to have to face some hard truths here.

You two were a bit reckless, you got pregnant a few months after knowing one another.

He is trying to do right by you and you need to cut him some slack. If I were to be completely honest I wouldn’t feel comfortable introducing my child to a man after a few months pregnant or not and I definitely would need some time before I announced to everyone the situation I was in.

The cold hard truth is, your situation is not ideal.

That doesn’t mean this can’t be a blessing, it doesn’t mean you won’t havw a long and happy future but for the love of God, give the man some time before he learns how to include you in his life in a serious way after knowing you for 8 weeks.

I agree with the above but I wouldn’t go so far as to automatically label him avoidant, I few he is trying to show you he wants to be there and be a father he wants to try so he may be trying to bite more than he can chew right now. You’re still learning who one another is, give it time.

Does that mean his son doesn't know yet either or?

 

He definitley needs to tell her but I don't think it means anything suspicous. He probably just wants to keep it private - maybe thinking she won't react well? I have no idea but she's going to find out one way or another. Just press him on it and let him know he needs to share this info with the rest of his family. Their son together is going to be a big brother and your famalies are going to officially be intermixed now so he may as well get used to keeping communications open.

 

What is your current role with the son anyway?

Firstly I understand it was reckless. no his son doesnt know, which I do not mind I understand and am cautious anything involving his child. Hes been constantly bringing up when ill move in, he wants me there already but he hasnt mentioned anything to his sons mother, I feel its best she knows if he wants me to move in and be a family, ill be around his son and i feel its her right to know there is someone before i even move in and am around her son. IMy current role with his son is non existant, I wanted to meet his mom cordially before i even have a role. He's pressuring me to move insoon, I wanted to move in after i finished my semester but he hasnt even gotten things situated, she doesnt even know hes seeing someone.

Firstly I understand it was reckless. no his son doesnt know, which I do not mind I understand and am cautious anything involving his child. Hes been constantly bringing up when ill move in, he wants me there already but he hasnt mentioned anything to his sons mother, I feel its best she knows if he wants me to move in and be a family, ill be around his son and i feel its her right to know there is someone before i even move in and am around her son. IMy current role with his son is non existant, I wanted to meet his mom cordially before i even have a role. He's pressuring me to move insoon, I wanted to move in after i finished my semester but he hasnt even gotten things situated, she doesnt even know hes seeing someone.

Like IMFCA said you are way too fixated on this one thing. Do you have insecurities when it comes to her? Pregnancy does not a family make. Both have to be committed to it, pregnancy doesn’t make it instantly happen despite what’s coming out of his mouth. What’s causing your anxiety?

Through my pregnancy he compares my pregnancy with hers. Makes me feel bad when i have a high risk pregnancy. She is a beautiful girl so ofcourse im a bit insecure but i don't let it get to me, its the comparison, and him mentioning her dad will be sad because he hoped they would work things out and he liked him alot for his daughter. Things like that make me doubt things. I know pregnancy doesnt make a family, I didnt want to be a family , I was fine being a single parents, its him whom insinuated a future, marriage, and so forth. But if i question is hes sure he pins me as the one with doubts, and he gets upset.

ok i have a better understanding now.

1. you don't want to move in, so don't. you're judgment is good on this point. respect your instincts. he wants this; he wants that. well, he will have to wait. its too soon, even without the complications of his ex / family.

2. make an arrangement for child support and co parenting, with you in your own home.

3. he is drawing from his limited experience to better understand your pregnancy. its thoughtless. you may say something like "i know you want to understand, so ask me how i feel. I awkward when you tell me about her pregnancy"

4. You do not need to meet his ex. Let her initiate that.

5. If he accuses you of having doubts, say, yes, it is appropriate at 3 or 4 months to be uncertain.

Through my pregnancy he compares my pregnancy with hers. Makes me feel bad when i have a high risk pregnancy. She is a beautiful girl so ofcourse im a bit insecure but i don't let it get to me, its the comparison, and him mentioning her dad will be sad because he hoped they would work things out and he liked him alot for his daughter. Things like that make me doubt things. I know pregnancy doesnt make a family, I didnt want to be a family , I was fine being a single parents, its him whom insinuated a future, marriage, and so forth. But if i question is hes sure he pins me as the one with doubts, and he gets upset.

I apologize I was under the impression you were attempting to force the circle into the square peg for the sake of your pregnancy.

Since you aren’t and you’re fully accepting reality based on your response about being ok with being a single parent, since you’ve been dating 7(?) months, now would be the time you start to notice red flags or incompatibilities. A man who isn’t over his ex would be a red flag for sure, so what would be the next natural step?

I won’t lie. I’m not fully convinced you aren’t holding him to these lofty promises because you’re carrying his offspring, a man promising marriage after 7 months is a lot and I think it’s wise to slow down on moving in etc...but I’m interested to learn where your mind is at.

ETA: again fully agree with FCA

I feel extremely uncomfortable when he compares my pregnancy to hers, or tells me she only breastfed one month. I have a neuro team and high risk obstetrician and have barely started to cotrol my seizures as my dosage decreased drastically. It hurts me as It makes me feel unfit already and sad i cant have a normal pregnancy.I don't mind if we are together our baby can have a family i do love him, because hes been there with me at the hospital every complication so you grow to care for someone. I however have seeked legal advice as well just in case, I am prepared and am aware my child will have a great dad and coparenting to the best of our abilities is a must. I do not want to hold him down because of a baby, I believe no baby holds any one down. I am just scared, confused, and extremely overhwelmed. On an added note, I never wanted kids because I believed my career was more important and i also have epilepsy with history of brain tumors, but I will not rid of the product d of my actions, I am an adult and I take full responsibility. I just need a way to manage this in a proper manner without stressing mself,creating a fight, and induce a seizure.

I am also working 3 jobs(mostly college tutoring, online and offline and finishing my semester strong, doing anything possible to be able to stay home first months by having money saved for myself and my child and my bills.

What about your family? Are they supportive and able to be there for you through out this pregnancy?

There's no rush to move in together. You barely know each other. And yes, he has to figure out his end and responsibilities with his son and ex before introducing you to the mix. That will only add extra stress for everybody if it is rushed.

Well they were upset but they want me to finish school and are supportive.

Where do you live now? Who supports you at this time? Why not stay with your parents until the first few months and get help with your pregnancy, newborn, medical problems, etc.

Your bf is irresponsible and more talk than actions or realistic planning. He had his first kid at 17 and already split from the mother? How is he going to support you, 2 kids and your dream of medical school? That house is for him, his brother and his kid. You're not married, it will never be your home. You are nothing but a well kept secret at this point. He's not being honest with you.

Well they were upset but they want me to finish school and are supportive.

If you are epilpetic your pregancy has high risk. Have you seen your specialist to determine what to do about your medication during pregnancy so baby won't be harmed? I would not move in.

Here is why:

1) you will feel trapped. You should live with your parents who can take care of baby and you should your condition take a turn. If you live with him, you will be beholden to him and trapped. I don't know - most people i know who had seizures did not have a driver's license. The only one i knew that did had to be seizure free for over a year or more to drive.

2) he doesn't value you. If he valued you, he would want everyone to know you were together.

3) he doesn't care about his existing kid. Because if he did, he would consider the kid's well being and be age approrpriate honest.

4) the brother -- living with two adult men and a kid you are not related to. you are outnumbered, girl.

Stay with your folks, go to an attorney and draw up a child support agreement and establish your rights for primary cus

If you are epilpetic your pregancy has high risk. Have you seen your specialist to determine what to do about your medication during pregnancy so baby won't be harmed? I would not move in.

Here is why:

 

1) you will feel trapped. You should live with your parents who can take care of baby and you should your condition take a turn. If you live with him, you will be beholden to him and trapped. I don't know - most people i know who had seizures did not have a driver's license. The only one i knew that did had to be seizure free for over a year or more to drive.

 

2) he doesn't value you. If he valued you, he would want everyone to know you were together.

 

3) he doesn't care about his existing kid. Because if he did, he would consider the kid's well being and be age approrpriate honest.

 

4) the brother -- living with two adult men and a kid you are not related to. you are outnumbered, girl.

 

Stay with your folks, go to an attorney and draw up a child support agreement and establish your rights for primary cus

Thank you I appreciate all your advice, I feel if i bring this up he will blow up and i hagte fighting right now, I avoid anything thatll make me emotionally unstable. I think i will be with my parents for a few they are very supportive. I just dont understand how he plans it like it will be easy he is more talk and i am more relaistic, he works a great paying job and has offered to help me whenever possible and he wants me to move in so he can help me with lack of sleep when they baby is born, he has some good intentions but i understand i need to be completely logical about this, and I told him about telling his sons mother and he said" ill tell her tomorrow when i drop him off, if its bothering you i will tell her i didnt realize it was bothering you". I just let him know if he wants a family he needs to get things in order but i dont pressure him i just ask him to be logical about it and tell him i dont want to disturb or create a drastic change for his son in a short time.

any who thank you everyone i will figure it out and am thankful for all your advice!

If you are epilpetic your pregancy has high risk. Have you seen your specialist to determine what to do about your medication during pregnancy so baby won't be harmed? I would not move in.

Here is why:

 

1) you will feel trapped. You should live with your parents who can take care of baby and you should your condition take a turn. If you live with him, you will be beholden to him and trapped. I don't know - most people i know who had seizures did not have a driver's license. The only one i knew that did had to be seizure free for over a year or more to drive.

 

2) he doesn't value you. If he valued you, he would want everyone to know you were together.

 

3) he doesn't care about his existing kid. Because if he did, he would consider the kid's well being and be age approrpriate honest.

 

4) the brother -- living with two adult men and a kid you are not related to. you are outnumbered, girl.

 

Stay with your folks, go to an attorney and draw up a child support agreement and establish your rights for primary cus

This. Presuming your parents can help (maybe you've said as much). This this this.

Thank you I appreciate all your advice, I feel if i bring this up he will blow up and i hagte fighting right now, I avoid anything thatll make me emotionally unstable. I think i will be with my parents for a few they are very supportive. I just dont understand how he plans it like it will be easy he is more talk and i am more relaistic, he works a great paying job and has offered to help me whenever possible and he wants me to move in so he can help me with lack of sleep when they baby is born, he has some good intentions but i understand i need to be completely logical about this, and I told him about telling his sons mother and he said" ill tell her tomorrow when i drop him off, if its bothering you i will tell her i didnt realize it was bothering you". I just let him know if he wants a family he needs to get things in order but i dont pressure him i just ask him to be logical about it and tell him i dont want to disturb or create a drastic change for his son in a short time.

"he will blow up" and so therefore you are making a life changing decision to be even further subject to his authority? Does that sound smart? I can't recommend you live anywhere such that you are avoiding speaking up for yourself.

Please do what's best for you. If he loses his temper, say in your calmest voice, We can talk later if you like, but you should know my mind is clear. There is nothing to fight about.

I feel extremely uncomfortable when he compares my pregnancy to hers, or tells me she only breastfed one month. I have a neuro team and high risk obstetrician and have barely started to cotrol my seizures as my dosage decreased drastically. It hurts me as It makes me feel unfit already and sad i cant have a normal pregnancy.I don't mind if we are together our baby can have a family i do love him, because hes been there with me at the hospital every complication so you grow to care for someone. I however have seeked legal advice as well just in case, I am prepared and am aware my child will have a great dad and coparenting to the best of our abilities is a must. I do not want to hold him down because of a baby, I believe no baby holds any one down. I am just scared, confused, and extremely overhwelmed. On an added note, I never wanted kids because I believed my career was more important and i also have epilepsy with history of brain tumors, but I will not rid of the product d of my actions, I am an adult and I take full responsibility. I just need a way to manage this in a proper manner without stressing mself,creating a fight, and induce a seizure.

First off ((hugs)) you’re going to be ok.

Second everything you’re thinking and analyzing at least to me is perfectly normal given the circumstance.

Scared, confused, overwhelmed - not the mindset to have before moving in with a man.

Stick with your support system for now, settle things, communicate and get on the same page. Right now with a high risk pregnancy the last thing you need ia more stress.

I wish you luck