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Thread: I am 4 months pregnant and my boyrfriend has not told his sons mother.

  1. #1
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    I am 4 months pregnant and my boyrfriend has not told his sons mother.

    Hello All, I am 22 and he is 23, he was with his son's mother for nearly 6 years, he has been separated from her for nearing 2 years but never dated until me. We met last year in august and began dating september, in November I got Pregnant and we have been together since. He has asked me to move in with him, even got a bigger home for us, his son, his brother, and our baby. The issues is he wants me to move soon, but has not told his sons mother, his son is 5, turning 6 this year. He wants me to move in with him so he can care for me(epeileptic), be less stressed, sinced I am epileptic, and be a family. But he hasnt even told his sons mother hes with me or dating me, let alone pregnant. He says it will be awkward and hoped id move in so he can say to her"oh by the way shes pregnant". It makes me feel as if he still may have feelings for her and is protecting her feelings by not telling her. He has mentioned that he wants to marry me and spend his life with me but i feel hes just in love with the idea of me , I am 22 work, go to sollege for 3 degrees, am scholarshipped, and iam planning to become a doctor. I am fairly independant. What should I do?If i bring it up i sound insecure. Please help? I am aware there is a child, and I have even denied going over while he is there because his mother would not know, I place his son before my own needs, reason I know i should be patient.
    Last edited by Gianna2345; 02-23-2019 at 08:58 PM.

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    Does that mean his son doesn't know yet either or?

    He definitley needs to tell her but I don't think it means anything suspicous. He probably just wants to keep it private - maybe thinking she won't react well? I have no idea but she's going to find out one way or another. Just press him on it and let him know he needs to share this info with the rest of his family. Their son together is going to be a big brother and your famalies are going to officially be intermixed now so he may as well get used to keeping communications open.

    What is your current role with the son anyway?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    I don't understand why you have chosen to fixate on this one detail. You don't get to police how your partner manages his other relationships, none of them. You either trust him or you don't. It sounds like his words and behavior are consistent, and are indicative of some sort of future together.

    Having said that: he sounds avoidant; in classic pairing, perhaps you tend to overreach. Is this a fair guess? If so... you will need to reassess how you draw your boundaries, and perhaps think about how he draws his. And then accept that he goes through life the way that is comfortable for him, which is likely very different from what is comfortable for you.

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    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Look Gianna you are going to have to face some hard truths here.

    You two were a bit reckless, you got pregnant a few months after knowing one another.

    He is trying to do right by you and you need to cut him some slack. If I were to be completely honest I wouldnít feel comfortable introducing my child to a man after a few months pregnant or not and I definitely would need some time before I announced to everyone the situation I was in.

    The cold hard truth is, your situation is not ideal.

    That doesnít mean this canít be a blessing, it doesnít mean you wonít havw a long and happy future but for the love of God, give the man some time before he learns how to include you in his life in a serious way after knowing you for 8 weeks.

    I agree with the above but I wouldnít go so far as to automatically label him avoidant, I few he is trying to show you he wants to be there and be a father he wants to try so he may be trying to bite more than he can chew right now. Youíre still learning who one another is, give it time.

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    Originally Posted by JSDXO
    Does that mean his son doesn't know yet either or?

    He definitley needs to tell her but I don't think it means anything suspicous. He probably just wants to keep it private - maybe thinking she won't react well? I have no idea but she's going to find out one way or another. Just press him on it and let him know he needs to share this info with the rest of his family. Their son together is going to be a big brother and your famalies are going to officially be intermixed now so he may as well get used to keeping communications open.

    What is your current role with the son anyway?
    Firstly I understand it was reckless. no his son doesnt know, which I do not mind I understand and am cautious anything involving his child. Hes been constantly bringing up when ill move in, he wants me there already but he hasnt mentioned anything to his sons mother, I feel its best she knows if he wants me to move in and be a family, ill be around his son and i feel its her right to know there is someone before i even move in and am around her son. IMy current role with his son is non existant, I wanted to meet his mom cordially before i even have a role. He's pressuring me to move insoon, I wanted to move in after i finished my semester but he hasnt even gotten things situated, she doesnt even know hes seeing someone.

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    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gianna2345
    Firstly I understand it was reckless. no his son doesnt know, which I do not mind I understand and am cautious anything involving his child. Hes been constantly bringing up when ill move in, he wants me there already but he hasnt mentioned anything to his sons mother, I feel its best she knows if he wants me to move in and be a family, ill be around his son and i feel its her right to know there is someone before i even move in and am around her son. IMy current role with his son is non existant, I wanted to meet his mom cordially before i even have a role. He's pressuring me to move insoon, I wanted to move in after i finished my semester but he hasnt even gotten things situated, she doesnt even know hes seeing someone.
    Like IMFCA said you are way too fixated on this one thing. Do you have insecurities when it comes to her? Pregnancy does not a family make. Both have to be committed to it, pregnancy doesnít make it instantly happen despite whatís coming out of his mouth. Whatís causing your anxiety?

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    Through my pregnancy he compares my pregnancy with hers. Makes me feel bad when i have a high risk pregnancy. She is a beautiful girl so ofcourse im a bit insecure but i don't let it get to me, its the comparison, and him mentioning her dad will be sad because he hoped they would work things out and he liked him alot for his daughter. Things like that make me doubt things. I know pregnancy doesnt make a family, I didnt want to be a family , I was fine being a single parents, its him whom insinuated a future, marriage, and so forth. But if i question is hes sure he pins me as the one with doubts, and he gets upset.

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    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    ok i have a better understanding now.

    1. you don't want to move in, so don't. you're judgment is good on this point. respect your instincts. he wants this; he wants that. well, he will have to wait. its too soon, even without the complications of his ex / family.
    2. make an arrangement for child support and co parenting, with you in your own home.
    3. he is drawing from his limited experience to better understand your pregnancy. its thoughtless. you may say something like "i know you want to understand, so ask me how i feel. I awkward when you tell me about her pregnancy"
    4. You do not need to meet his ex. Let her initiate that.
    5. If he accuses you of having doubts, say, yes, it is appropriate at 3 or 4 months to be uncertain.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gianna2345
    Through my pregnancy he compares my pregnancy with hers. Makes me feel bad when i have a high risk pregnancy. She is a beautiful girl so ofcourse im a bit insecure but i don't let it get to me, its the comparison, and him mentioning her dad will be sad because he hoped they would work things out and he liked him alot for his daughter. Things like that make me doubt things. I know pregnancy doesnt make a family, I didnt want to be a family , I was fine being a single parents, its him whom insinuated a future, marriage, and so forth. But if i question is hes sure he pins me as the one with doubts, and he gets upset.
    I apologize I was under the impression you were attempting to force the circle into the square peg for the sake of your pregnancy.

    Since you arenít and youíre fully accepting reality based on your response about being ok with being a single parent, since youíve been dating 7(?) months, now would be the time you start to notice red flags or incompatibilities. A man who isnít over his ex would be a red flag for sure, so what would be the next natural step?

    I wonít lie. Iím not fully convinced you arenít holding him to these lofty promises because youíre carrying his offspring, a man promising marriage after 7 months is a lot and I think itís wise to slow down on moving in etc...but Iím interested to learn where your mind is at.

    ETA: again fully agree with FCA

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    I feel extremely uncomfortable when he compares my pregnancy to hers, or tells me she only breastfed one month. I have a neuro team and high risk obstetrician and have barely started to cotrol my seizures as my dosage decreased drastically. It hurts me as It makes me feel unfit already and sad i cant have a normal pregnancy.I don't mind if we are together our baby can have a family i do love him, because hes been there with me at the hospital every complication so you grow to care for someone. I however have seeked legal advice as well just in case, I am prepared and am aware my child will have a great dad and coparenting to the best of our abilities is a must. I do not want to hold him down because of a baby, I believe no baby holds any one down. I am just scared, confused, and extremely overhwelmed. On an added note, I never wanted kids because I believed my career was more important and i also have epilepsy with history of brain tumors, but I will not rid of the product d of my actions, I am an adult and I take full responsibility. I just need a way to manage this in a proper manner without stressing mself,creating a fight, and induce a seizure.

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