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What’s the best way to address my concerns with him?


Lex00

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Hi everyone, it’s me again. I’m hoping to get some suggestions on how to address my concerns with my bf (maybe ex) because I feel like he’s dumped me without telling me.

 

Please take it easy on me, I already feel crappy enough and just want to figure out a way to tell him how I’m feeling without coming off the wrong way. If he is in fact disappearing on me, I just want to know the best way to express things with him and have a graceful exit.

 

Since my last thread, we have had the relationship talk, been exclusive from the beginning (almost 6 months now), and officially in a committed relationship, bf/gf now. My concerns back then disappeared and I’ve been so happy with him. Great communication, he’s been so attentive, the texts have turned into phone calls, we see each other 2-3x a week now. I’ve met his friends, he includes me... I have not worried about anything and have felt secure in the relationship. But now it changed again.

 

So besides the couple of days during the week, we have that standing date every other Saturday, it’s always assumed we would see each other. Last Wednesday, he was near my work and asked me if I wanted to have lunch so we did. Everything was normal, he hugged and kissed me goodbye, nothing was different. Later that night, I’m thinking of ideas for our assumed date today and wanted to do something nice for him. We both had our kids that evening so we usually text to communicate or set something up, it’s no biggie, so I texted him and asked him what he thought of a spa day and dinner at his favorite place- it was going to be my treat. He texted back saying that it sounded absolutely amazing but he had literally just got off the phone with his cousin and they had not went fishing in months, so they planned to do that in the afternoon. Although a little bummed, I completely understood these are his only Saturdays to do anything and he needed to go have his guy time. I replied saying that I was glad he is able to see his cousin again and go fishing because I knew he loved doing that and it had been a while. Told him it sounded like a blast, then mentioned since I won’t be seeing him, it may be a while before the next time. So he mentions Friday (last night), might be an option. I know that Friday nights, he is exhausted from the long work week and typically works half the day Saturdays so I don’t ask him to do anything Fridays. So he mentions it and I’m good with it. Next Wed was also mentioned (we usually do Wed too), and he texts “oh, that might be better than Fri”. Well, we usually do Sat and Wed so I was surprised it was just one or the other this time. I told him it was up to him, but suggested we can do both since that’s what we usually do. He was busy with his kids, so I didn’t hear back from him until the next morning (Thursday). He just put “yeah, I’ll let you know how Friday goes.” I have learned that I need to communicate my needs or express my concerns, and he even told me to. So I texted him saying that I just sensed hesitation with Friday, with next Wednesday... and I did not want to overwhelm him so we would just see each other when we can. He said that he just didn’t want to feel like I was wasting my time given the fact that he is usually tired early on Fridays and wouldn’t be good company. I had to reiterate that I never feel that way.

 

So here comes Friday. I don’t hear from him all day, assuming I would to at least let me know if I would see him since I won’t be seeing him today, and probably for at least a week. I’m a bit upset at this point so last night I texted him saying that I felt like something was just off and would like to know if perhaps me asking for his time was too overwhelming. He called me, and I told him I assumed he would let me know about Friday and never heard from him. No explanation, just “oh I’m sorry.” Then I couldn’t even address my concerns I texted him about because he started talking about work and other problems, I was sidetracked.

 

This morning, I still wanted to talk to him before he took off and honestly just wanted a better understanding of things because I’m still not feeling right. I knew... or thought he was at work, so I texted him that I still wanted to talk about my text to him last night and also just to chat before he left and asked that he please call me when he had the chance. That was at 7am- he’s usually at work by 6:30. I got no call, not even a text, so I wait until noon as I’m assuming it’s his lunch break, and I call him. No answer, and no sign of him since.

 

This can’t possibly be too much, I have only attempted to contact him twice and haven’t since. And I won’t. I just find it odd and unlike him to completely ignore me because he has been so different than before (in a good way), and now this. Silence. I don’t know if he’s out fishing, if he said it was in the afternoon but lied and left very early this morning. And he would lie because I think he usually works Saturdays before he sees me and maybe there’s a reason for this?

 

No hurtful comments please, I’m having a tough time thinking I’ve been dumped already without him saying the words. Does it sound like that? And mainly my question is, if I do hear from him, what is the best way I can communicate my concerns without sounding like I’m nagging? Try not to put blame and tell him what I feel like he’s done wrong, correct? And just tell him what I need? What’s the best approach?

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I’m sorry op but I know from experience that the feeling of uncertainty that you are experiencing again is never a good thing to experience. I don’t think this relationship is right for you.

 

He himself sounds like an uncertain individual and if he was interested would go out of his way to see you and not ignore you.

 

You can do better.

Don’t settle for uncertainty in any relationship find that security knowing the person is as invested as you are.

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Hi Holly, we have been exclusive (only seeing each other) for 6 months, but we had the conversation a couple of months ago regarding what we want and if we were really bf/gf. He said it was definitely what he wanted and what he assumed we already were.

 

If he is truly fading away or has ghosted me, it shows how much of a POS coward he is. I’m still confused as to why I’m all of a sudden being thrown away without explanation.

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Unless there was a serious emergency, then there is no excuse. Do not reach out again.

 

If he does contact and it was not an emergency, I would dump him, as he has shown a lack of respect and value for you. He is not a child where you have to tell him how inappropriate this is

 

I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

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I wouldn’t be jumping to the conclusion that he’s breaking up with you. You messaged him today and he’s planned a fishing trip with his cousin. Give it time.

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets back you with an excuse/reason as to why you didn’t hear from him (I.e. - my phone was turned off because my cousin & I left early in the morning to go fishing, there was no reception where we were, etc.).

 

If/when he contacts you, be upfront and honest about what you want. There’s no other way to go about this.

 

I remember your previous threads, Lex.

 

You can’t tip-tie around your concerns with this guy. You have to be straight-up.

 

Not being straight-up leaves the door open for him to continue being/acting aloof, and your concerns will be left unaddressed (which will only create more questions and anxiety for you).

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Being brutally honest sounds like while you two may be exclusive, the relationship is not super serious. Don't live together. Have seperate lives. Assuming you haven't met his kids etc. It's only been less than a year.

 

I'm sure he cares for you a lot and wants you as a girlfriend to have fun with and date but he clearly has a ton of other stuff going on in his life. It sounds like hes a being a bit flaky as many men are and is busy and isn't prioritizing you enough. So that tells me regardless of his positive feelings for you, they aren't quite as strong as you'd want your partners feelings to be.

 

I'm also going on a whim to say he probably felt even more overwhelmed by you questioning things and making it into a big deal whereas he doesn't see it as one. And instead of handelling it adult like and gracefully he is instead just tuning you out.

 

I'm 99 percent sure he will get back into contact with you whether it's tonight, tomorrow, two days from now. And probably expect you to let it go as no big deal. Like he is retracting into his man cave for a few days until he feels ready and up to talk to you again.

 

But.. I think you do deserve and want more than this man can offer. It's not fair or kind to do what he is doing and gives off a major message that a) he's emotionally imature and b) he isnt respecting your feelings. Unless he has a damn good reason he can provide I would say cut your losses bc it will probably evantually happen again and you will be sitting there Again worrying and wondering about what he's thinking.

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He was supposed to contact her on Friday, not Saturday. He was at work, so there was no excuse for reception or no access to a phone.

 

I know he was supposed to call her on Friday, which he didn't. Can't tip-toe around issues with this guy. He seems or acts aloof to me, at least that's the impression I got from Lex's previous threads. Whether it's an act or not is anyone's guess.

 

But when they did speak on Friday (after she texted him), Lex should have addressed her concerns before allowing him to deflect and talk about his own personal problems (i.e. - work), and before getting off the phone.

 

I'm saying that if Lex tried to contact him today (about the same concerns she had yesterday), I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back with an excuse saying I turned off my phone, didn't have my phone, there was no reception where we were fishing, etc.

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I know he was supposed to call her on Friday, which he didn't. Can't tip-toe around issues with this guy. He seems or acts aloof to me, at least that's the impression I got from Lex's previous threads. Whether it's an act or not is anyone's guess.

 

But when they did speak on Friday (after she texted him), Lex should have addressed her concerns before allowing him to deflect and talk about his own personal problems (i.e. - work), and before getting off the phone.

 

I'm saying that if Lex tried to contact him today (about the same concerns she had yesterday), I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back with an excuse saying I turned off my phone, didn't have my phone, there was no reception where we were fishing, etc.

 

The issues seem to be consistent with this guy. It does not seem like he is totally invested.

 

I don't think we should throw this on her. I don't think that she should have to tell someone that it wrong to blow her off. He should have called, and profusely apologized. He didn't care,

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Milly, I completely agree with you, that if he is not pulling a disappearing act, he will in fact use the whole “no reception” thing as an excuse.

 

I don’t know how I would respond to that, however, because he typically works Saturdays (half day), and told me that he was working today, then leaving in the afternoon. So I texted him early this morning asking him to please call me, assuming he was at work and would call me on his break, lunch time, on his way home, etc. And since I did not hear anything from him, 5 hours later at noon, I just decided to call him. Still nothing. So I’m not sure what type of excuse he would have since supposedly he wasn’t even out fishing yet.

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The issues seem to be consistent with this guy. He does not seem like he is totally invested.

 

I don't think we should throw this on her. I don't think that she should have to tell someone that it wrong to blow them off. He should have called, and profusely apologized.

 

I know. I'm not putting the blame on Lex, but if she wants to continue dating this guy, these are things she has to put up with.

 

He should be apologizing, and him not contacting Lex on Friday is bs, but this is him, as we see and have seen in previous threads.

 

Like I said, he seems or acts aloof.

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Step away from your phone, Lex and keep yourself occupied/busy doing other things.

 

He knows how to reach you, and if/when he does reach out, just be honest.

 

If his reasons don't make sense or add up, tell him (i.e. "But, that doesn't make sense...).

 

This guy's the type that needs to be called out if you pick up on bs.

 

You can make a point and be firm with someone without it being considered nagging.

 

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

 

And in the meantime, don't be afraid to come here if you want to vent your frustrations or annoyances.

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But how can Lex be clingy or demanding if he was suppose to follow up with her on Friday and didn’t?

 

When she called him out, all he said was, “oh I’m sorry”.

 

It isn’t just about a text message, it’s about following through on your word and respecting another person’s time.

 

If he didn’t want to follow up on Friday, he shouldn’t have said that he would follow-up with her on Friday.

 

Heck, if he was having a rough day and didn’t want to speak to anyone, he could have just said, “Can’t hangout today. Will have to touch base with you on Sunday, I’m having a cra@*y day”.

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But how can Lex be clingy or demanding if he was suppose to follow up with her on Friday and didn’t?

 

When she called him out, all he said was, “oh I’m sorry”.

 

It isn’t just about a text message, it’s about following through on your word and respecting another person’s time.

 

If he didn’t want to follow up on Friday, he shouldn’t have said that he would follow-up with her on Friday.

 

Heck, if he was having a rough day and didn’t want to speak to anyone, he could have just said, “Can’t hangout today. Will have to touch base with you on Sunday, I’m having a cra@*y day”.

 

Yup. It is called courtesy.

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My anxiety is through the roof now... he’s still MIA. And I know it’s best I leave him alone for now, but if he is really pulling a disappearing act, I will eventually want an explanation. We haven’t been on just a couple of dates, so I do deserve an explanation on why he decided to do this. He is taking the p*ssy way out.

 

How long should I wait until I reach out to him? Not to talk to him anymore about salvaging the relationship, but to see if at some point he will be ready to grow some balls and tell me why he’s dumped me the way he did? A couple of days?

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My anxiety is through the roof now... he’s still MIA. And I know it’s best I leave him alone for now, but if he is really pulling a disappearing act, I will eventually want an explanation. We haven’t been on just a couple of dates, so I do deserve an explanation on why he decided to do this. He is taking the p*ssy way out.

 

How long should I wait until I reach out to him? Not to talk to him anymore about salvaging the relationship, but to see if at some point he will be ready to grow some balls and tell me why he’s dumped me the way he did? A couple of days?

 

Nope, you don’t get to do this

 

You don’t get to play oblivious victim.

 

You don’t get to ask us to handle you with kid gloves

 

You are a grown a%# woman with children, who made an adult decision to continue with a man who caused you extreme anxiety. You have to live with this choice, accept him and this situation for what it is, or for the love of God walk away!

 

You went into this eyes wide open 40 page posts and all. You know you have anxiety but chose to continue with a man who triggers it.

 

Please don’t think I’m saying you deserve any of this because you don’t but if you keep getting bit by the dog why do you keep handing it your hand? Without at least putting a glove on. What I mean is you keep approaching this with heart wide open and when he hurts you by not reaching your expectation you act as if it’s the biggest shock since finding out who shot JR...

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Lex, you agreed to accept him the way he is when you decided to proceed with a relationship with him.

 

Frankly, I'm surprised that you're surprised. He showed you who he is from day one.

 

Once again, if his manner and behavior doesn't work for you then end it. Stop expecting him to "change".

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