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My uncle is very overprotective towards my cousin


TropicalStar

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My cousin is a 19 year-old college student that lives with her parents.

 

She confides in me and explains that she feels her father (my uncle) doesn't trust her enough. This makes her feel bad and she wishes he would let go of his guard a bit. He gave the guy she's currently dating a super hard time and bombarded him with questions as if he were some cop, before finally letting them leave.

He gets worried every single time my cousin has to step out and it's night and she's not back, even though she always informs when she's on her way home.

 

Well he had a bad experience. This probably goes all the way back to when he had his very first HS girlfriend. They were dating for some months, both were then 16 year-olds and it was gonna be the first time for both of them soon. However that night his girlfriend got raped by 4 guys meanwhile he got outnumbered and beaten. His girlfriend ended up committing suicide a couple months later, she couldn't move forward with what happened to her.

 

Wouldn't there be a point that he should put it in the past and trust my cousin more?

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It's not that he doesn't trust your cousin, he doesn't trust the people out there and with good reason.

 

Crime numbers are at an all time high. Women are assaulted on a daily basis. Women go missing on a daily basis.

He has a right to worry.

 

Him worrying means he cares, he is her Dad after all. His job is to make sure she is safe. No one else in this world will ever do that for her or worry about her like her parent.

 

I don't know if the trauma he went through at a younger age is adding to this but truthfully, to me it just sounds like a good dad who is taking care of his daughter.

 

Your cousin should feel lucky, so many parents out there who don't care what happens to their kid.

 

Also, parents don't live forever.

 

Your cousin should change her focus on this and feel good that someone loves her this much and is watching out for her.

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I think he's also partly affected by the trauma. One time I heard him explaining that he wouldn't know what to do with his life anymore if something happened to her. Then he added ''I failed once already. Can't let it happen again''.

 

It's like he still thinks the trauma he underwent was his fault.

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Possibly, but I'm a parent and I ALWAYS ask my child where they are going, with whom, when can I expect them back, etc.

 

If it was my daughter, you better be sure that I would be asking a boy taking them out who he is, where they are going, when are they coming back, who will be there? and so on.

 

If something were to happen, this information could be vital in helping find someone. If you don't ask this stuff, then you will have no clue where to look for them, who to ask and so on.

 

A good parent will ask, worry, make sure where their kid is. No one else will protect them but us.

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He’s her father. There’s many things worse than being over protective of his daughter.

 

She may not appreciate it now but she will grow to as she gets older. Most likely will gravitate toward men like her father at some point. Usually girls tend to date men like there father.

 

He obviously cares and it’s his business it’s his child after all even if she’s 19. She can legally separate from his life if it gets to much for her which IMO would be a huge mistake. Dads tend to be protective of there daughters anyway. I’d surprise that this is the first time you ever heard of something like this.

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It would be different if her dad went OTT and was following them, showing up where they went, listening to her phone calls, checking her phone without her consent, badgering her friends to the point of harassment.

 

But he sounds like what any good parent would be doing..it's what I do with my kid too!

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Therapy could help your cousin understand family dynamics. As long as she lives at home unfortunately there will be restrictions. All she can do is demonstrate consistently good judgement and consistent reliable behaviors. And apply for college student housing. Not much you can do but listen.

She confides in me and explains that she feels her father (my uncle) doesn't trust her enough. Wouldn't there be a point that he should put it in the past and trust my cousin more?

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sounds like all my uncles who had daughters = sounds like the standard "vetting" of the date in the 70s-90s. he sounds like a protective dad who wants to make sure that the boys his daughter goes out with know that she must be treated with respect, or she has a dad to back her up. If dad respects the boy, he will ease up -- but the boy has to show he can treat his daughter with respect.

 

I do think that EVERY 19 year old who lives at home thinks their parents are controlling.

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Wouldn't there be a point that he should put it in the past and trust my cousin more?

 

I think it's a more constructive point that 'shoulding' on anyone doesn't buy much beyond a power struggle and resentments--the opposite of trust.

 

If cousin is smart enough to earn her father's trust in her judgment rather than argue her way into that power struggle, she can negotiate with her father as an adult who is capable of handling herself in the outside world.

 

She can research negotiating techniques and adopt a sensitivity to her father's history that doesn't view the man as mistrustful of HER, but rather of her safety. So she can offer him specific behaviors such as regular check in's, the ability to 'interview' her dates--who she has prepared for the grill with an explanation of her father's history, and learning other trade-offs from her father that will help him to feel more confident.

 

Cousin can feel lucky that her father is allowing her to date at all, given his history, which means that he's trying. She can find ways to help him to gain more comfort in her life skills rather than view him as her adversary.

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  • 4 months later...

they are controlling and overprotective as long as she lives with them, she must follow the house rules and the family's honor and norms if she violates the rules and the standards she is punished. I know how such families and parents are.

because I also live in a family with a norm of honor and I am moving out the only way to move out is to seek jobs and universities in another place. here is my advice to your cousin you should not let them push you down so that you lose your confidence so that they think you are weak because it is their way of controlling you so you lose your self-esteem you should resist them and you should not let them decide on your life

If you do, you let them control you and decide for you and then you cannot decide on your life and be an independent girl.

you should be strong and show them that you are not dependent on them and can be independent

and make your own decisions

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When a parent incessantly worries, tracks, or snoops on a child (via cellular devices, social media, or by reading private content such as written diaries), the child loses their sense of individuality and sense of self. The parent tries to pacify their fears by digging into their child's private life rather than developing a healthy relationship founded on trust and open communication. Parents who worry about catastrophic events and bar their child from living life raise an adult who will be risk-averse later in life.

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