Wondering why I feel so ashamed...

So it's been weeks and now going on 2 months since my disappearing boyfriend vanished. I have had no contact from him, no 'how are you, sorry, drop dead' nothing. After almost 4 years, it is just unimaginable that a person whom I actually thought I was going to marry could shut me out of his life just like that without a word. Some days, I fantasize, and wonder if he's in a coma or dead someplace; or depressed because he did have a death in his family; but then I realize that no, this is probably just him. Angry at me for something of which I have no idea. Then I just find myself asking why - over and over and over again until I feel sick inside. It's a horrible feeling. Seeing a therapist, but there are no answers.

I have to say though, that tears come some days for no reason; he was such an integral part of my life that even my neighbors ask 'so where is …..?' I have no answers; co workers, family, friends ask about him - all assumed he'd do something special for Valentine's Day because he usually sent flowers. I feel embarrassed to say, 'oh, you know - he just disappeared into thin air!!' No one can believe that this guy, who told everyone how in love he was with me, and how he planned to marry me, and was ever present at every event, always on the spot, ever the gentleman, so kind, etc. could do this.

Yes, he had temper tantrums, and when he came out of them, he was a good guy; aaaggghh; that's why it kept me hooked. He could switch on a dime. And now I am just empty inside and in pain and feeling like I want to hide from everybody but knowing it's not my fault - it's what he did.

I really hope that time will make this better. Thanks for reading.

Just out of curiosity, do you still have his contact information such as his phone number? Didn't you ever think to ring him and find out what the problem was?

I can't imagine being with someone that long and not seeing what was wrong. I would assume it was a car accident or something bad.

I could understand if you had only been together a few months, but 4 years?!?

Had you met in person? Does he live in the same city as you?

Does he not have Facebook? Do you not know where he works? Were you not in contact with his family members?

I just cannot for the life of me fathom being with someone for 4 years and not having all that information and finding out for sure what happened.

Surely his mom would tell you or you would see if he was online, or ring his work?

I just don't understand how you wouldn't be able to find out what happened.

Does he not have Facebook? Do you not know where he works? Were you not in contact with his family members?

 

I just cannot for the life of me fathom being with someone for 4 years and not having all that information and finding out for sure what happened.

 

Surely his mom would tell you or you would see if he was online, or ring his work?

 

I just don't understand how you wouldn't be able to find out what happened.

I went to her historic of threads and I remember asking her the same question the first time she posted about this. I think he didn't have social media/wasn't active. But even so, 4 years into a relationship not knowing at all what happened to him is not "normal". There has to be family members she could've called asking if he was alright and she should feel secure that if he died, had an accident or something very bad happened, a family member would contact his 4 year girlfriend. Unless she knows for sure he ghosted her (it being a pattern for example).

Have you ever called his mom, or any other family member? Total disappearance, just vanished after 4 years .... why did you not reach out and ask anyone where he is? But then again, I would assume that if he really vanished in the true sense then his own family would have probably called you too to find out where he is, so I guess in that sense one can assume that he's still around. Call his family and ask.

Does he not have Facebook? Do you not know where he works? Were you not in contact with his family members?

 

I just cannot for the life of me fathom being with someone for 4 years and not having all that information and finding out for sure what happened.

 

Surely his mom would tell you or you would see if he was online, or ring his work?

 

I just don't understand how you wouldn't be able to find out what happened.

All of this.

I would be going out of my mind with worry wanting to check that no trauma had in fact befallen him. It isn't normal that someone disappears after 4 years, with no trace, especially in this day and age with communication technology being what it is. It seems completely bizarre to me that you have evidently had no way to verify what on earth happened here.

Unless - this isn't the first time he's pulled a disappearing act. Has he done this before, OP?

All of this.

 

I would be going out of my mind with worry wanting to check that no trauma had in fact befallen him. It isn't normal that someone disappears after 4 years, with no trace, especially in this day and age with communication technology being what it is. It seems completely bizarre to me that you have evidently had no way to verify what on earth happened here.

 

Unless - this isn't the first time he's pulled a disappearing act. Has he done this before, OP?

According to her past thread he used to do disappearing acts when things got tough and wouldn't take responsibility for it, but not such long disappearing acts like this I think.

Please seek professional help. What you're going through right now is very painful, and it will take time for you to get past it.

In the future, you will recognize that you dodged a bullet. Someone who is avoidant on this level is not a good partner to anyone. This is not about you. It's about him and his extreme problems around conflict and likely functioning in relationships in a general sense.

I can't take away your shame or embarrassment, but from my perspective you are not the one who should have to feel those emotions. He is. If he returns, please end the relationship for good and find someone who would never dream of pulling such insanity as a disappearing act.

"It's been almost 2 weeks since my boyfriend of almost 4 years disappeared into thin air. We had what I believed was a good relationship, talked about marriage, but when we had disagreements, he would get angry and not speak to me for days on end. This happened on several occasions, if I said something he did not like, he would storm out and usually, 4-5 days later, I would end up calling him, and we would work through it. His usual response was that this is just the way he is and it's hard for him to change. I would find myself telling him how much it hurt and yet, it still happened about every six months. The last time was around the holidays. He was dealing with a recent death in the family. About a month later got upset over something I said that was totally unrelated and stopped speaking to me. I told him I could not do this anymore. I missed him and called him on New Year's Day. He told me he still loved me, and still wanted things to work, he still wanted the relationship and would call me the next day to talk about how we could go forward. I never heard from him."

This is sick, manipulative and abusive behavior. Damn, you should have dumped this guy after the first disappearance. What would you do if you had kids, and he pulled this?

Please get yourself into some therapy to understand why you were even with this creep! Please block and delete him, so that he can not get into any sort of contact.

Some day, you will be grateful that he disappeared. Do no allow people to treat you like this. This is so unhealthy. Choose better men!

So, on New Year's Day he was fine. Not in a car accident, not grievously ill, not in some kind of danger. He just said he would call and never did.

Most likely he was expecting you to beg and grovel like you usually did.

Good for you for finding your backbone and not giving in.

You shouldn't be "ashamed". I bet your friends would congratulate you for getting away from this manipulative, childish POS.

So, on New Year's Day he was fine. Not in a car accident, not grievously ill, not in some kind of danger. He just said he would call and never did.

 

Most likely he was expecting you to beg and grovel like you usually did.

 

Good for you for finding your backbone and not giving in.

 

You shouldn't be "ashamed". I bet your friends would congratulate you for getting away from this manipulative, childish POS.

Well said!

What did your friends think about all of his disappearances and silent treatment.

OP, wake up! This guy is such an azzhole!

How can someone you've been with just disappear? Did you not go to his home, work, call his mother or a member of his family to find out if he died? Did you never meet his people? No know where he lived or worked?

When this first happened, I sent a text and he did not respond; called twice and he did not answer - it went to voice mail; sent an email - no response. I posted here about going to his home and did not want to look like a fool since I was not sure if this was his way of walking away in spite of him telling me he wanted to work things out. It did not seem like a good idea. As noted - he has done this before for shorter times, until I reach out to him. He was fine on New Year's Day, and he promised to call me the next day and did not. I could have called one of his family members to check and still can. I guess I just am not sure how many times I am supposed to keep begging for him to throw me a bone...

It's not begging, it's closure.

If I were you I would most definitely call his family member to find out if he's fine. If he is, then I would block, delete and never look back.

You are contacting anyone in order to get him back you only want an answer to if he truly did leave you high and dry.

Once you know 100%, I think it will help loads in healing and moving on.

But please...do not try to contact anyone with the hopes of getting him back.

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

You only want closure and to make sure that he's fine and that he just left you without one word or being decent at all.

This happens, when the person doing it is the most cowardly of human beings.

I was ghosted after a 2 1/2 year relationship. I was on another message board at the time, and a poster there had been ghosted after a 4 year relationship. A year later, she had still never heard from him. In my situation, I did hear back from him after a few weeks, of trying to get his stuff back to him. He came over, picked up his things, and didn't say a word. We literally never had one bad word with each other, great sex, met each other's families, got along great, talked about a future. Then....poof....one night.....he went home, and he was done.

I wouldn't even reach out.

You say he had temper tantrums, and then be just fine. Had he ever been diagnosed as bipolar? Then again, even if he had, there's zero excuse.

You'll have to find your own sort of closure. I'm sorry this happened to you. It so totally sucks; BTDT.

After 4 years of being with someone, I would call a family member and ask if he was still alive.

If he was, I'd know what a pos he was for leaving without saying a word and I'd be able to change my frame of mind to be glad he's gone.

Of course if the relationship was long distance, he was more of a part time lover, the relationship was on and off... or there was always something that needed changing to make me happy, I'd be just fine only blocking and deleting him without making any calls to either give him back his chit or to see if he was still alive.

Read up on the 'cycle of violence". Use this time to read up on abusive relationships.

he had temper tantrums, and when he came out of them, he was a good guy. He could switch on a dime.

This happens, when the person doing it is the most cowardly of human beings.

 

I was ghosted after a 2 1/2 year relationship. I was on another message board at the time, and a poster there had been ghosted after a 4 year relationship. A year later, she had still never heard from him. In my situation, I did hear back from him after a few weeks, of trying to get his stuff back to him. He came over, picked up his things, and didn't say a word. We literally never had one bad word with each other, great sex, met each other's families, got along great, talked about a future. Then....poof....one night.....he went home, and he was done.

 

I wouldn't even reach out.

 

You say he had temper tantrums, and then be just fine. Had he ever been diagnosed as bipolar? Then again, even if he had, there's zero excuse.

 

You'll have to find your own sort of closure. I'm sorry this happened to you. It so totally sucks; BTDT.

I'm so sorry you've been through this. I've never understood why people do this! Are they afraid of the person they're breaking up with? I just don't get it!

I think it's coward to break up a relationship by text or e-mail, but at least it's better than leaving the person who loves you and is committed to you wondering if you died or just left. It just makes me mad thinking there are people capable of this!

My heart goes out to you, Summer. Consider investing some time in a book or article or Ted Talk by Brene Brown. She's a research professor who has studied the topic of 'shame' extensively. She offers insights and healing techniques, and most importantly, she helps us to understand shame as a common emotion that we can question, challenge and overcome.

You have come to recognize this man's default reaction to stress as shutting down and withdrawing, but rather than challenging your own acceptance of this behavior from a lover as a poor risk for your investment, you have repeatedly chosen to overlook the behavior in order to stay with the guy. While this is an accurate rather than an accusatory statement from me, it's likely that the part of you that recognizes this history as inevitably leading to a not-so-good outcome is cropping up to cause you to feel ashamed at not heeding the warnings.

That's a typical kind of shame that most people feel whenever they've accepted the unacceptable in someone else's behavior. It's a mix of fear and denial that they somehow have caused or deserve the outcome, or at very least feel responsible to answer for it to others. You might find it helpful to consider a stock response to casual inquiries by first recognizing that you do NOT 'owe' anyone any answers beyond, "We broke up." Period. No response to 'why' is necessary.

As for reconciling feeling ashamed, it might be helpful to contact and make a counseling appointment with your local women's shelter or domestic violence organization. These groups do NOT require that you have been hit or otherwise physically injured by a partner, but rather they are committed to empowering women to learn their own value in the face of objectionable behavior from a spouse or lover.

Another resource to consider is research on the topic of '5 stages of grief,' (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance) so you can understand that these are natural cycles of emotion that can feel crazy, but do not indicate that you are crazy. This model was originally documented to address death and dying, but contemporary therapists have adopted the model to assist any form of grief. They 'stages' are not neat an linear, but rather a mis-mosh of emotions we all cycle through and repeat during grief until we can work through them.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Thank you for all of the responses. Some days are very hard. I appreciate the insight from all of you.

Thank you for all of the responses. Some days are very hard. I appreciate the insight from all of you.

You’re going to be ok Summer.

Healing is not linear.

Some days will be harder than others and that’s ok.