What to do, and how should I be.

I was in this relationship few months, it was a distance one, but we saw eachother in every month. Last weekend I went to him in his city and that day was a disaster at the end.

I am a person who doesn't show their feelings, like with no one... I am sensitive and I have feelings but I don't show them, or I show them, but not enough. I am the kind of person that is ok and happy if I am next to the person I love, but I am not asking myself if I should do something to also make that person feel like me. Yeah, I exist. I can be truly in love with someone and wanting so bad to see him, but at the time I meet that person I am normal, I enjoy the cute things that the other one does to me, but I don't have the feeling to be clingy as them. And he knew that this is how I am, but told me that I wasn't like this at the start of our relationship. I think that if I know that the other person already loves me, I don't have to show something, or this is how I am, not excited everytime, but in the same time I go crazy to meet with him. How is this possible ?

So... this was my first relationship and he told me that a girl like me, at my first realtionship shouldn't be like this, she should die of being happy and super excited and jump on him and do stuff like this, not being boring, serious, and passive.

Last weekend we made love for the first time and after that, a shower together. And here comes the mistake. We finished that shower ( or just me finished it ) and then I told him that I will go to put my clothes on and he should do the same to go to eat something and see the city, because my train was coming in few hours. The problem was I didn't realized that that was such an important moment for our relationship, our first shower together, and I was in a hurry and get out of the shower. I wasn't thinking, and this thing costed me. He was disappointed and confused about me, but I didn't realized, I was happy, I was with the mind somewhere else after what we did at his home and I can't explain, I didn't know that it was that special for him. After that, we were ok, we ate, we went in a park, we drank something at a bar, we felt good. But on our way to trainstation he told me that this day was the worst telling me that he does not understand what is happening to me, and why I am like this. I told him that I don't know, but my feelings for him are the same, or even stronger, and that I was sorry for making such mistakes, explaining that this is how I am, and I am gonna try to be a better person. It was the worst day in my life knowing that after a day that I thought that was such special for me, this happened. Hearing all that stuff made me cry and he told me to look at myself for answer.

I took the train and we sent the photos with us and the next morning I told him cute things to forget about what happend. After few hours he threw the bomb about breaking up, telling me that he does not want to be alone in a relationship and also, the worst was that the day after meeting him I was like nothing happened. But I explained him that I just wanted to send cute things to bring a good vibe. But, the truth was that I wasn't ok.

He blocked me, and called me the next day that he wants to talk about some money and some plans that we had for summer. Of course I also talked to change his mind. All I've done was to cry and begg him to stay, I explained him more things but it was getting worse. The next few days I tryed the same, but without results. I finally told him to remain friends and to talk with me to feel better, because I felt very bad that I ruined a relationship just by doing that. He accepted, than we fought again. Then while we were talking, I mentioned the place were we first kissed, the place we were going at our every date, and he told me that that was our only truly special thing. Then he told me to come in his city to go there again one more time ( he told me a few days before that this was how he wanted to break up, not on internet ). And then I thanked him and I was very happy that he accepted such a thing, I wrote few more things about our first date, and he wrote them too which surprised me. That happened 2 days ago. Yesterday he sent me some stuff related to bras, telling me to buy such a thing because he likes not to feel any bra and blabla, weird thing anyway, like everything was ok. I don't know if he did that for me, to feel better, or there is other reason. After few hours I also sent him a funny image to see if he responds, and nope, just seen.

The main questions comes now. So, I have the occasion to go to him in 2 weeks ( for personal things ), but after, I can also go and meet him ( and try to bring some tricks to remember him about good times and make him forgetting my mistakes ). What should I do ? Why did he send me that weird few messages in the last two days speaking normal ? Should I wait for another message and let him breath ? Should I send him a message telling him again how sorry I am, how much I am suffering or how better I was in the last few days because he unblocked me sending me those things ? Should I be straight forward telling him that I will come in his city in 2 weeks ( to not make any plans ) ? And also... Is there a problem with me and he is right, or I am ok and normal ?

I think that he's overreacting. I don't see how what you've done is so tragic and dramatic. This is not the case to block and break up, unless he's been wanting to break up before but didn't have the guts and found this excuse. Stop apologising to him, one time is enough. How old are you both and how was the relationship before that?

I know that it looks like he was overreacting... but he is also right... I wasn't how I should have been, and I regreted that I haven't enjoyed every second together, wanting to hurry things after we did that 2 important and special things for our relationship. He told me that his exes were also at their first relationship and it is the first time he see such a behavior.

Of course it wasn't out first fight. Half of our relationship was perfect, our parents like him, I learnt a lot from this relationship. Than he discovered some things in me that he didn't enjoyed, and being not romantic wasn't one of them. He is a pretty mature guy and does not tolerate everything, I mean... maybe another guy whould not consider these as such big problems. At every fight he wanted to go, but he said that he went over them, having patience with me. And said that the last meeting was to convince himself if it is worth to be with me. And I have failed. He said that if I wasn't reacting the next day like everything was ok, he could have forget. He is 25, and I am 18. He told me that he wasted time, and it was the relationship he put the most effort and he regrets everything. I am so frustrated that it ended like this, this is why I was desperate to talk to him, because it seems so unfair, that was not how I am as a person...

He told me that his exes were also at their first relationship and it is the first time he see such a behavior.

When someone compares you to their exes to put you down and make you feel like you're not performing the "right" way in the relationship, they are trash. If his exes were so great, where the f*ck are they now? They either left him because he's controlling and abusive guy, or he did the same thing to them that he is doing to you, and then dumped them when they because completely servile and dependent on him.

Half of our relationship was perfect, our parents like him, I learnt a lot from this relationship. Than he discovered some things in me that he didn't enjoyed, and being not romantic wasn't one of them

Great, you learned a lot. This was your first relationship. Take the knowledge and go date someone who actually likes you. There are people out there who will accept (or mostly accept) you without trying to change you off bat. Those are the people you should spend your time dating.

He is 25, and I am 18

Finally, I'm not one to harp on age differences, but this is a significant one. Believe me, you will grow a lot over the next seven years, have many experiences and relationships that will help you carve out what you want out of a romantic partner. I believe he is knowingly taking advantage of your age and inexperience. Take care of yourself girl and stay broken up.

I know that it looks like he was overreacting... but he is also right... I wasn't how I should have been, and I regreted that I haven't enjoyed every second together, wanting to hurry things after we did that 2 important and special things for our relationship. He told me that his exes were also at their first relationship and it is the first time he see such a behavior.

Of course it wasn't out first fight. Half of our relationship was perfect, our parents like him, I learnt a lot from this relationship. Than he discovered some things in me that he didn't enjoyed, and being not romantic wasn't one of them. He is a pretty mature guy and does not tolerate everything, I mean... maybe another guy whould not consider these as such big problems. At every fight he wanted to go, but he said that he went over them, having patience with me. And said that the last meeting was to convince himself if it is worth to be with me. And I have failed. He said that if I wasn't reacting the next day like everything was ok, he could have forget. He is 25, and I am 18. He told me that he wasted time, and it was the relationship he put the most effort and he regrets everything. I am so frustrated that it ended like this, this is why I was desperate to talk to him, because it seems so unfair, that was not how I am as a person...

Maybe you two are simply not compatible. People react differently to "first times". You're not his exes. I still think he's overreacting and being immature. You apologised and he's still not having it. I wouldn't beg for forgiveness anymore. He knows you like him, he knows you're sorry and he knows how to contact you to get back together. If he wasn't sure about being with you, he's not the right person for you. Don't be so hard on yourself, you didn't "fail". I don't think more begging and pleading will help. He either forgives or he does not. The ball is on his court now. Don't be walking on eggshells or trying to please him at all costs, don't go into that dynamic.

If you think you have problems in communicating your feelings and reacting to romance in a relationship, then it might be worth it getting some professional help or research more about the subject and what to do to minimise this. I still don't think what you've done was terrible or a failure, but it's very good that you're self aware that you have some work to do in the communication department.

When someone compares you to their exes to put you down and make you feel like you're not performing the "right" way in the relationship, they are trash. If his exes were so great, where the f*ck are they now? They either left him because he's controlling and abusive guy, or he did the same thing to them that he is doing to you, and then dumped them when they because completely servile and dependent on him.

 

 

 

Great, you learned a lot. This was your first relationship. Take the knowledge and go date someone who actually likes you. There are people out there who will accept (or mostly accept) you without trying to change you off bat. Those are the people you should spend your time dating.

 

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Finally, i'm not one to harp on age differences usually, but this is a significant one. Believe me, you will grow a lot over the next seven years, have many experiences and relationships that will help you carve out what you want. I believe he is taking advantage of your age and inexperience and that he is not mature at all. Take care of yourself girl and stay broken up.

I also smell a possible abusive relationship given his comments, his overreaction, the age difference and so different levels of relationship experience and this "power dynamic".

Sorry this happened. You did nothing wrong. He seems to have some issues

I'd drop this dude like a hot potato. Don't waste anymore time or energy on him. That's all I can say.

Maybe you two are simply not compatible. People react differently to "first times". You're not his exes. I still think he's overreacting and being immature. You apologised and he's still not having it. I wouldn't beg for forgiveness anymore. He knows you like him, he knows you're sorry and he knows how to contact you to get back together. If he wasn't sure about being with you, he's not the right person for you. Don't be so hard on yourself, you didn't "fail". I don't think more begging and pleading will help. He either forgives or he does not. The ball is on his court now. Don't be walking on eggshells or trying to please him at all costs, don't go into that dynamic.

 

If you think you have problems in communicating your feelings and reacting to romance in a relationship, then it might be worth it getting some professional help or research more about the subject and what to do to minimise this. I still don't think what you've done was terrible or a failure, but it's very good that you're self aware that you have some work to do in the communication department.

Thank you for advice. I also think that it wasn't such a big deal. Yeah, there were also past fights but I don't know... if I were him I probably wouldn't do this. I would probably be disappointed, because without wanted it, I rejected him that day. I was happy, but he was not. But if I were him I would have communicate, not overreacted like that.

And yeah, I know I have problems with communication. This is how I am. Few years ago I was just a shy piece of sh*t . The high school changed me a lot, but I also remained not that attached to people, even thought I love them. The truth is that I was more into cute gestures before, but I don't know why I was like that the last time. I didn't even observe.

Thank you for advice. I also think that it wasn't such a big deal. Yeah, there were also past fights but I don't know... if I were him I probably wouldn't do this. I would probably be disappointed, because without wanted it, I rejected him that day. I was happy, but he was not. But if I were him I would have communicate, not overreacted like that.

 

And yeah, I know I have problems with communication. This is how I am. Few years ago I was just a shy piece of sh*t . The high school changed me a lot, but I also remained not that attached to people, even thought I love them. The truth is that I was more into cute gestures before, but I don't know why I was like that the last time. I didn't even observe.

As you seem to realise, in fact his reaction is much more problematic than you simply wanting to get out of the shower and go eat something together before you leave. An emotionally healthy person if disappointed would as you say sit down with you and express that they'd wish you lingered with him there a bit more, but not this dramatic "I was testing you and you failed" borderline abusive dynamic reaction and also not this "my exes weren't like this". As someone who was in an abusive relationship at your age (it began even younger) with someone older, I can see some red flags in this dynamic.

Of course that someone can see flaws in the person they're dating, that's normal, but if they accepted a relationship with that person and really love that person, then they shouldn't be on the fence testing the person waiting for them to "fail" on some standards the person being tested didn't even know about. A person who's decided to have a relationship with you and is at the honeymoon stage shouldn't be on the fence. At this point this should be the honeymoon stage of the relationship, not this. What's not normal is all this drama and this "you failed" dynamic and not letting go of this. Is this how he's going to react every time things don't go his way? This is not how an emotionally stable adult reacts.

Don't fall for his manipulative BS and hold down to your self respect. Take him of his pedestal and stop apologising or thinking about romantic things you can do to make him forgive you for something he's clearly overreacting about.

I didn't know that I seemed to him more passive in the last meeting. Imagine having a great day, not knowing what is in his head, and at the end you hear this. Anyway, he broked up the next day and told me that all I do is to promise him that I will change after every fight. And I have changed some things in the past. Sometimes I was rude with him, sometimes I wasn't paying attention on what he was saying, another time I disappointed him because I didn't send him messages, and other times I had some crazy and rude words like things you say when you don't think too much when someone piss you off I can get angry when teasing me. Or just misunderstandings. You know, at distance relationships a lot of things talked in the internet look different.

And by the way, he mesagged me again 2 hours ago, talking again like we were still together. I don't literally know what he is trying to do...

I didn't know that I seemed to him more passive in the last meeting. Imagine having a great day, not knowing what is in his head, and at the end you hear this. Anyway, he broked up the next day and told me that all I do is to promise him that I will change after every fight. And I have changed some things in the past. Sometimes I was rude with him, sometimes I wasn't paying attention on what he was saying, another time I disappointed him because I didn't send him messages, and other times I had some crazy and rude words like things you say when you don't think too much when someone piss you off I can get angry when teasing me. Or just misunderstandings. You know, at distance relationships a lot of things talked in the internet look different.

 

And by the way, he mesagged me again 2 hours ago, talking again like we were still together. I don't literally know what he is trying to do...

He's trying to lure you in again, it's very typical. Then here you go again with the "you have to change", "you disappointed me", etc... rinse and repeat. Why not ditch this difficult relationship where apparently you two are not emotionally compatible and be free to date someone local with whom you can be in person and that doesn't make you feel like a disappointment that needs to change and be better? Why not using what you've learned with him in a better and healthier relationship? Relationships don't have nor should be this hard and have so much drama and dramatic relationship conversation.

You're young and seem smart and self aware, I'm sure you can do better.

You didn't do anything wrong. What you did was normal.

Something is wrong with the guy you were with. He sounds insecure and weird. He is controlling, manipulative and abusive.

Block and delete this creep! I thought he was 15. Normal men do not behave like this.

I didn't know that I seemed to him more passive in the last meeting. Imagine having a great day, not knowing what is in his head, and at the end you hear this. Anyway, he broked up the next day and told me that all I do is to promise him that I will change after every fight. And I have changed some things in the past. Sometimes I was rude with him, sometimes I wasn't paying attention on what he was saying, another time I disappointed him because I didn't send him messages, and other times I had some crazy and rude words like things you say when you don't think too much when someone piss you off I can get angry when teasing me. Or just misunderstandings. You know, at distance relationships a lot of things talked in the internet look different.

 

And by the way, he mesagged me again 2 hours ago, talking again like we were still together. I don't literally know what he is trying to do...

Damn! Stop blaming this on yourself. You did nothing wrong. The only mistake you made was dating this creep!

Block and delete him. He will make your life a misery.

It's one thing to be disappointed in a partner's reaction to something or wishing they'd be more thoughtful about certain things and investing in communication to negotiate changes in exchange for any changes they are willing to make for you. It's entirely different to criticize someone's personality and expect them to jump through hoops in order to stay in a relationship with you--especially without offering something in return.

Most people are NOT our match, and it can take some time dating to recognize this. We won't be everyone's cup of tea, but rather than viewing rejection as something being 'wrong' with you, try considering it as speaking of that person's limitations--their inability to view you through the right lens.

We all deserve someone who 'gets us' and owns the capacity to recognize our unique value. Whenever someone is not in synch with you, it means that they aren't a good match for you.

Learn how to allow wrong matches to pass early. That's the way to move forward and meet the RIGHT person for you.

Head high.

Thank you !