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Thread: 2 men, nothing but problems

  1. #1
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    2 men, nothing but problems

    I decided to end things with my husband because of multiple reasons:
    We have never once kissed with any passion. Our sex life has never been good, Does not show interest in pleasing me (has never performed oral, doesn’t touch me for more than 2 seconds, etc)

    He calls himself a workaholic. Says he’d work 100% of time if left to his own devices and chose me to force balance into his life. This translates into him calling me “needy” for wanting to spend normal amounts of time together on weekends because he doesn’t need nearly as much interaction with me. Says he “sacrifices to make me happy” by spending weekend time on me instead of projects, whereas I wish it were mutual but he says he simply doesn’t need nearly as much time with me.
    Is going to a 5 year training program for what will eventually be a high paying career, but has delayed it by years due to his dozen startup ventures - he only half develops any of them before trying to sell them off; has made $0. If I ever gently suggest he focus his efforts he gets oddly angry and tells me I’m not allowed to suggest he limit his work. Once told me he wanted a divorce after I asked some critical questions about a project that he chose to spend our entire vacation morning talking about. So I really resent these ventures bc I feel he half-asses them, and they just take time away from us with zero profit ever.

    I moved for him once, to our current city, even though far from my family. Now wants me to move again because the other city has a slightly better training program even though I (the breadwinner by far) am now very settled with a difficult to find job in terms of both time off and matching my exact career interests. I’m also pregnant and not interested in starting to work twice as hard elsewhere (which will result in much higher childcare costs) and undergoing stress of new job and move at that time. He says he would have stayed here if I “respected and supported him,” yet the only reason I don’t is because he’s willing to ignore all this and see his baby only on weekends for 5 years! (He blames me for “breaking up the family” by not moving.)

    He is kind and gentle and generally agreeable. I just don't feel any attraction or respect, because to me he seems like an immature child.

    MEANWHILE...
    It’s been 2 months of a married man friend texting me all day, every day, wanting to see me like 4 times/week even “getting nothing out of it” (ie I would only meet him in public places for long meetups). Texts a good amount about sexual things but knows I would not sleep with him until he is officially separated (once in a sexual convo he was like ‘I really need to go see that lawyer!’). Only this past week did we get physical at all but again, did not sleep with him and he’s reinforced the waiting “until it is right,” “why come so far and then ruin it by doing it at the wrong time,” etc.
    He lives on opposite coasts from his wife and son, sees them like once every 2 months, says he and wife haven’t slept in same room in a year and it’s inevitable they’re going to get separated. On Instagram (the only social media he has) he posts an old picture of all 3 of them once in a blue moon but it definitely isn’t w him right next to his wife or any nice caption about her. My question is how long is it reasonable to “wait" for him to get separated, given I’ve only known him for 2 months and have barely done anything physically? I feel it’s a huge decision for me to push him with, but he seems SO serious with the communication night & day including phone calls, wanting to see me constantly etc even without sex, telling me that he feels he was meant to find me and “who knows maybe you’re my 1 greatest love”... that I don’t know it’s right to assume that it’ll “never go anywhere.” But the in between phase is super awkward... other than knowing my boundary line of not sleeping with him, I don’t really know what else to do if anything. With either man. Am I just a person who is destined to forever be alone and/or unhappy?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Ditch the affair. He’s willing to cheat with you he’s willing to cheat on you . And get divorced.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    There are more choices than just husband or married friend, you know. None of these 2 men seem to be good for you. Besides, married men should be a big NOPE and avoid at all costs.

    If you're divorcing your husband you should give yourself time to heal and move on, instead of jumping right to another relationship or even flirting/dating situation. You're not going to die if you ditch both these men and spend some time alone healing.

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    I think first get divorced then you’ll have a more clear frame of mind of what you want. This guy you’re seeing if he felt those things about you like you could be his greatest love and if he’s as unhappy as he says he is he would also be going through divorce proceedings. Be cautious as he hasn’t done this.

    Lisa

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by limichelle
    I think first get divorced then you’ll have a more clear frame of mind of what you want. This guy you’re seeing if he felt those things about you like you could be his greatest love and if he’s as unhappy as he says he is he would also be going through divorce proceedings. Be cautious as he hasn’t done this.

    Lisa
    Got it, though if we’ve only been talking for 2 months, I would think that’s really soon to expect him to rush to a major life step a bit sooner than he intended just on account of me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So one man devotes all his time to nonsense and the other works on a naive, desperate woman for a sleazy affair. No matter how your 1st husband doesn't meet your needs, it's a horrible thing to betray him by cheating on him. You need to finish with one relationship before beginning with a new man, and after being with him so long, you need to be alone at least a year before you're mentally ready to date wisely. If you can't see that a married man is the worst choice in dating, you probably need an even longer time to be alone since your decision making skills are way off in that area.

    It takes a strong couple to weather all the changes that come with having a newborn--all the time devoted to the baby. Do you really think this is a good time to bring a new man into your life?

    Get a divorce. Concentrate on your career and becoming a new mother. Your baby needs a calm mother who isn't full of angst because the married man all of a sudden is ignoring her calls and moving on to other prey.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    it's a horrible thing to betray him by cheating on him.

    It takes a strong couple to weather all the changes that come with having a newborn--all the time devoted to the baby. Do you really think this is a good time to bring a new man into your life?
    I agree, but I didn’t do anything until after weeks & weeks of my husband being the one to insist the marriage was over & we should just be co-parents and he wanted a separation/divorce very soon.

    About the second part- the other guy’s reaction to me being pregnant has been to say that we will start going places the “3 of us” soon, that I can call him any hour of the day I need anything for the baby (he convinced me to move into same condo complex/neighborhood when I was looking for a place), and that he’ll always be there to support me. What sucked about all this for me is that I realized he said much more- in terms of plans, positivity about the baby- than my husband EVER has. And I wished I could’ve gotten that from my own husband but obviously didn’t.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    So if he’s willing to betray his own flesh and blood what makes you think he’s willing to look after yours ?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    So if he’s willing to betray his own flesh and blood what makes you think he’s willing to look after yours ?
    By that logic I’m betraying mine by not staying with my child’s father. I just feel the baby will pick up on our resentment and frequent arguing.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gb83
    By that logic I’m betraying mine by not staying with my child’s father. I just feel the baby will pick up on our resentment and frequent arguing.
    Divorcing a man that doesn't make you happy nor values you and doing the best to co-parent the child is not betraying your children. But cheating is.

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