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2 men, nothing but problems


Gb83

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I decided to end things with my husband because of multiple reasons:

We have never once kissed with any passion. Our sex life has never been good, Does not show interest in pleasing me (has never performed oral, doesn’t touch me for more than 2 seconds, etc)

 

He calls himself a workaholic. Says he’d work 100% of time if left to his own devices and chose me to force balance into his life. This translates into him calling me “needy” for wanting to spend normal amounts of time together on weekends because he doesn’t need nearly as much interaction with me. Says he “sacrifices to make me happy” by spending weekend time on me instead of projects, whereas I wish it were mutual but he says he simply doesn’t need nearly as much time with me.

Is going to a 5 year training program for what will eventually be a high paying career, but has delayed it by years due to his dozen startup ventures - he only half develops any of them before trying to sell them off; has made $0. If I ever gently suggest he focus his efforts he gets oddly angry and tells me I’m not allowed to suggest he limit his work. Once told me he wanted a divorce after I asked some critical questions about a project that he chose to spend our entire vacation morning talking about. So I really resent these ventures bc I feel he half-asses them, and they just take time away from us with zero profit ever.

 

I moved for him once, to our current city, even though far from my family. Now wants me to move again because the other city has a slightly better training program even though I (the breadwinner by far) am now very settled with a difficult to find job in terms of both time off and matching my exact career interests. I’m also pregnant and not interested in starting to work twice as hard elsewhere (which will result in much higher childcare costs) and undergoing stress of new job and move at that time. He says he would have stayed here if I “respected and supported him,” yet the only reason I don’t is because he’s willing to ignore all this and see his baby only on weekends for 5 years! (He blames me for “breaking up the family” by not moving.)

 

He is kind and gentle and generally agreeable. I just don't feel any attraction or respect, because to me he seems like an immature child.

 

MEANWHILE...

It’s been 2 months of a married man friend texting me all day, every day, wanting to see me like 4 times/week even “getting nothing out of it” (ie I would only meet him in public places for long meetups). Texts a good amount about sexual things but knows I would not sleep with him until he is officially separated (once in a sexual convo he was like ‘I really need to go see that lawyer!’). Only this past week did we get physical at all but again, did not sleep with him and he’s reinforced the waiting “until it is right,” “why come so far and then ruin it by doing it at the wrong time,” etc.

He lives on opposite coasts from his wife and son, sees them like once every 2 months, says he and wife haven’t slept in same room in a year and it’s inevitable they’re going to get separated. On Instagram (the only social media he has) he posts an old picture of all 3 of them once in a blue moon but it definitely isn’t w him right next to his wife or any nice caption about her. My question is how long is it reasonable to “wait" for him to get separated, given I’ve only known him for 2 months and have barely done anything physically? I feel it’s a huge decision for me to push him with, but he seems SO serious with the communication night & day including phone calls, wanting to see me constantly etc even without sex, telling me that he feels he was meant to find me and “who knows maybe you’re my 1 greatest love”... that I don’t know it’s right to assume that it’ll “never go anywhere.” But the in between phase is super awkward... other than knowing my boundary line of not sleeping with him, I don’t really know what else to do if anything. With either man. Am I just a person who is destined to forever be alone and/or unhappy?

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There are more choices than just husband or married friend, you know. None of these 2 men seem to be good for you. Besides, married men should be a big NOPE and avoid at all costs.

 

If you're divorcing your husband you should give yourself time to heal and move on, instead of jumping right to another relationship or even flirting/dating situation. You're not going to die if you ditch both these men and spend some time alone healing.

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I think first get divorced then you’ll have a more clear frame of mind of what you want. This guy you’re seeing if he felt those things about you like you could be his greatest love and if he’s as unhappy as he says he is he would also be going through divorce proceedings. Be cautious as he hasn’t done this.

 

Lisa

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I think first get divorced then you’ll have a more clear frame of mind of what you want. This guy you’re seeing if he felt those things about you like you could be his greatest love and if he’s as unhappy as he says he is he would also be going through divorce proceedings. Be cautious as he hasn’t done this.

 

Lisa

 

Got it, though if we’ve only been talking for 2 months, I would think that’s really soon to expect him to rush to a major life step a bit sooner than he intended just on account of me.

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So one man devotes all his time to nonsense and the other works on a naive, desperate woman for a sleazy affair. No matter how your 1st husband doesn't meet your needs, it's a horrible thing to betray him by cheating on him. You need to finish with one relationship before beginning with a new man, and after being with him so long, you need to be alone at least a year before you're mentally ready to date wisely. If you can't see that a married man is the worst choice in dating, you probably need an even longer time to be alone since your decision making skills are way off in that area.

 

It takes a strong couple to weather all the changes that come with having a newborn--all the time devoted to the baby. Do you really think this is a good time to bring a new man into your life?

 

Get a divorce. Concentrate on your career and becoming a new mother. Your baby needs a calm mother who isn't full of angst because the married man all of a sudden is ignoring her calls and moving on to other prey.

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it's a horrible thing to betray him by cheating on him.

 

It takes a strong couple to weather all the changes that come with having a newborn--all the time devoted to the baby. Do you really think this is a good time to bring a new man into your life?

I agree, but I didn’t do anything until after weeks & weeks of my husband being the one to insist the marriage was over & we should just be co-parents and he wanted a separation/divorce very soon.

 

About the second part- the other guy’s reaction to me being pregnant has been to say that we will start going places the “3 of us” soon, that I can call him any hour of the day I need anything for the baby (he convinced me to move into same condo complex/neighborhood when I was looking for a place), and that he’ll always be there to support me. What sucked about all this for me is that I realized he said much more- in terms of plans, positivity about the baby- than my husband EVER has. And I wished I could’ve gotten that from my own husband but obviously didn’t.

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So if he’s willing to betray his own flesh and blood what makes you think he’s willing to look after yours ?

By that logic I’m betraying mine by not staying with my child’s father. I just feel the baby will pick up on our resentment and frequent arguing.

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By that logic I’m betraying mine by not staying with my child’s father. I just feel the baby will pick up on our resentment and frequent arguing.

 

Divorcing a man that doesn't make you happy nor values you and doing the best to co-parent the child is not betraying your children. But cheating is.

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By that logic I’m betraying mine by not staying with my child’s father. I just feel the baby will pick up on our resentment and frequent arguing.

 

Cheating on your children is betraying them getting divorced is not . My own parents are divorced I do not see that as a betrayal . I see that as thank God !

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From the David Wygant website:

Wow! How many times do women get suckered into this?

 

Here’s the deal: this is what a married man does.

 

A married man with no balls is going to stay married. A lot of the times married men stay married because they don’t want to split their pie in half.

 

They talk to their attorney, they find out that it’s cheaper to stay married and cheat than it is to leave her and pay her half of everything.

 

They do it from a financial standpoint.

 

Married men go out looking for women all of the time. They try to find the woman that is at her weakest moment, a woman that will actually believe that story that they’re selling.

 

And this story has been passed down from generation to generation; it’s a story of, “I’m going to leave my wife, I love you, just give me time. I promise.”

 

Time. They keep promising time.

 

And the weak women always go for it and waste endless time with this type of man.

 

And he’ll string them along as long because he doesn’t want to end the great sex he’s having.

 

Sure, he could have real feelings too, but never strong enough to leave the wife and deal with all the stress of a divorce.

 

If you’re dating a married man, you need to wake up. You need to stop dating him.

 

Walk. Run. Do not look back, pass go, collect your $200, and get the hell out of dodge.

 

If he calls and texts you, just respond with:

 

You’re a married man. I’m not going there with you. I respect myself way too much.

 

If you really want to get to know me, move out of your house. I don’t care what story you have, I don’t care what issues you have—I’m not getting involved with another woman’s man.

 

Do you get my point, ladies?

 

Wake up.

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Such good advice!! Makes me glad I have stuck to what I told him about not sleeping with him until actually separated. If I weren’t about to have a baby and have, you know, other priorities!!!, I would start dating others and if he wanted to come around once actually separated then great. I do understand it’s a really tough step to take for a lot of reasons. And that having known me for 2 months wouldn’t be a reason to trump all others immediately.... but of course everyone has to have a time limit to avoid wasting life, but considering I have zero plans to try dating anyone else for a long time anyhow w the upcoming baby- and that he’s expressed being very supportive w that, coming over any time of day or night when needed, going places with both me and the baby- it’s probably not awful for him to be around.

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Okay, you think that him being there for you night or day for a child not his and betray his own flesh and blood is a good idea ? That shows a really low quality man . It would be one thing if you were both divorced and met. But you’re both married with children.

 

Once his wife finds out and she will. He won’t have two cents to spend on your child because he will be paying it all for his.

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From the David Wygant website:

Wow! How many times do women get suckered into this?

 

Here’s the deal: this is what a married man does.

 

A married man with no balls is going to stay married. A lot of the times married men stay married because they don’t want to split their pie in half.

 

They talk to their attorney, they find out that it’s cheaper to stay married and cheat than it is to leave her and pay her half of everything.

 

They do it from a financial standpoint.

 

Married men go out looking for women all of the time. They try to find the woman that is at her weakest moment, a woman that will actually believe that story that they’re selling.

 

And this story has been passed down from generation to generation; it’s a story of, “I’m going to leave my wife, I love you, just give me time. I promise.”

 

Time. They keep promising time.

 

And the weak women always go for it and waste endless time with this type of man.

 

And he’ll string them along as long because he doesn’t want to end the great sex he’s having.

 

Sure, he could have real feelings too, but never strong enough to leave the wife and deal with all the stress of a divorce.

 

If you’re dating a married man, you need to wake up. You need to stop dating him.

 

Walk. Run. Do not look back, pass go, collect your $200, and get the hell out of dodge.

 

If he calls and texts you, just respond with:

 

You’re a married man. I’m not going there with you. I respect myself way too much.

 

If you really want to get to know me, move out of your house. I don’t care what story you have, I don’t care what issues you have—I’m not getting involved with another woman’s man.

 

Do you get my point, ladies?

 

Wake up.

 

As the exW of a man without a set [of ~], who is generally kind hearted and who has much respect for me and my family of origin, my values, and how I have raised the kids, who probably would say we love each other in some fashion... who came to my parent's funeral with tears streaming down his cheeks, a decade after our split, this post is exactly right. Spot on target.

 

His need for affirmation was stronger than his conviction. Back when she was trying to wrangle him as her own, his (last) mistress pulled a lot of power plays. Even so he did not leave our marriage until extenuating circumstances prevailed AND there was nothing left for him financially. It had nothing to do with her.

 

When they eventually married, he called to tell me -- and sounded like his dog had died and he lost his job all in one day. It was one of the most depressed voices I have heard from him.

 

I see him much more kindly now as a result of my own growth, and his. But dang am I glad I am not his wife.

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As the exW of a man without a set [of ~], who is generally kind hearted and who has much respect for me and my family of origin, my values, and how I have raised the kids, who probably would say we love each other in some fashion... who came to my parent's funeral with tears streaming down his cheeks, a decade after our split, this post is exactly right. Spot on target.

 

His need for affirmation was stronger than his conviction. Back when she was trying to wrangle him as her own, his (last) mistress pulled a lot of power plays. Even so he did not leave our marriage until extenuating circumstances prevailed AND there was nothing left for him financially. It had nothing to do with her.

 

When they eventually married, he called to tell me -- and sounded like his dog had died and he lost his job all in one day. It was one of the most depressed voices I have heard from him.

 

I see him much more kindly now as a result of my own growth, and his. But dang am I glad I am not his wife.

 

ETA:

 

Our kids are multiple times better off now than had we stayed together. It took a few years to turn the tide, and it has a lot to do with my own parenting, frankly. They will say now that they can't imagine us ever having been even the slightest bit interested in one another. Divorce restored order, as opposed to disrupting it.

 

OP: The closer your interior life mirrors your exterior one, the more peaceful your life will be.

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Okay, you think that him being there for you night or day for a child not his and betray his own flesh and blood is a good idea ? That shows a really low quality man . It would be one thing if you were both divorced and met. But you’re both married with children.

Because they’ve been on the outs for years/discussing separation, she refused to move the kids out his way. And the specific job he took (certain type of attorney) pays way more than stuff in his home area, so he figures at least he can secure his children’s future and then some.

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Such good advice!! Makes me glad I have stuck to what I told him about not sleeping with him until actually separated. If I weren’t about to have a baby and have, you know, other priorities!!!, I would start dating others and if he wanted to come around once actually separated then great. I do understand it’s a really tough step to take for a lot of reasons. And that having known me for 2 months wouldn’t be a reason to trump all others immediately.... but of course everyone has to have a time limit to avoid wasting life, but considering I have zero plans to try dating anyone else for a long time anyhow w the upcoming baby- and that he’s expressed being very supportive w that, coming over any time of day or night when needed, going places with both me and the baby- it’s probably not awful for him to be around.

 

Wow... I feel like only half of what’s being said is getting through...

 

“If I wasn’t pregnant I’d be dating around”

 

You’re STILL legally married!!!!!

 

Hormones are a hella thing... add to it an inability to be alone and you have a pregnant woman cheating in her husband who wants to leave with a man who gives her empty promises acting as if she has options...

 

You don’t...

 

You do indeed have obligations

 

Divorce your husband

 

Have your baby

 

Heal

 

Then and only then can you start to even begin to think about dating.

 

Stop being manic and trying to void fill that’s all this married man is a void fill. He wouldn’t be appealing to you and the second you felt the void was filled trust me mischief like with your husband you’ll start to see his flaws too, and hello! You see how that worked. When desperate we accept all kinda scraps we wouldn’t even look twice at when healthy...

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Because they’ve been on the outs for years/discussing separation, she refused to move the kids out his way. And the specific job he took (certain type of attorney) pays way more than stuff in his home area, so he figures at least he can secure his children’s future and then some.

 

This is a dream and you know it. You said he had a son i.e. a Instagram photos of the three of them . Now it’s children plural??

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Because they’ve been on the outs for years/discussing separation, she refused to move the kids out his way. And the specific job he took (certain type of attorney) pays way more than stuff in his home area, so he figures at least he can secure his children’s future and then some.

 

Typical married man who wants to cheat BS.

 

I'm willing to bet once you're divorced all these promises he's made you will suddenly vanish. And he'll be onto the next side piece.

 

What, you think you're the only one he's ever fooled around with on the side?? Please, that is very naïve.

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If you need help and support, there are ways to build that without getting involved with another man ( and a married one at that).

You are becoming a mom. Your baby is 100 % priority now. You are wasting precious energy for you and your baby on a cheating scumbag. C'mon, this isn't rocket science. He's preying on you as you are hormonal, unhappy in your marriage, and lonely. It's no real risk to him to wait out however long until you have a moment where you sleep with him. Plus he gets all this adoration for 'being there, being a great guy' that he doesn't deserve!

 

I know you are away from your family but what about your support network where you live? Friends, groups, whoever and whatever keeps you happy and grounded and is meaningful to you? What about mom groups for support? Exercise groups for soon to be moms?

 

Honestly I wondered how you have time for an affair ?! You work, you've got a baby on the way.. isn't the excitement and preparation of your baby coming enough to keep you occupied ? Are you excited about that - or are you so depressed even that is not bringing you joy?

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Because they’ve been on the outs for years/discussing separation, she refused to move the kids out his way. And the specific job he took (certain type of attorney) pays way more than stuff in his home area, so he figures at least he can secure his children’s future and then some.

 

Said every cheater.

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So you're having marriage problems and ran to another man and want us to make you feel better about it and give you advice on how soon you should have sex with him..correct?

 

First of all, marriage is not a game, nor is it something you toss about when times get tough. You don't run after another man and you don't replace your partner.

You be an adult about things, sit down with your spouse, tell him ALL the problems and figure out together if it's fixable.

Make a plan on how to fix things, go to marriage counselling, do whatever it takes to get things back on track especially if there is a baby on the way.

 

By the way, what kind of sleaze bag hits on not only a married woman but a pregnant one? You can't get much lower than that.

 

If you(or he) 100% refuse to try to do everything possible to save your marriage and you want to run to this other man, then I suggest you tell your husband about this other man and ask for a divorce.

May as well be honest and put everything on the table if you're going to mess around with another man.

 

But in no way, shape, or form is the affair you're having (yes, affair) it needn't be sexual but it is an affair...none of it is healthy or okay or good.

It is 2 adults not taking responsibility, trying to force some kind of fantasy that's not real and destroying others along the way.

It's wrong, plain and simple and you know this.

 

It's a very basic rule, if you are not happy with your current partner..END THINGS...then go chasing after other men.

How does no one understand that simple rule?

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