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He's coming on too strong


Eliza50

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A few weeks ago I met someone through a dating site and we had our first date yesterday. It wasn't the best first date I've ever had but it went well. I liked him and he seemed to like me, too. We talked about our families, music, books, hobbies and a little about relationships. He's divorced with 2 kids over 30.

 

After the date he asked when we can meet again and suggested today (Saturday). I said I'm busy this weekend and let's talk on Monday to arrange something. He said ok.

 

An hour after the date he texted me a long text saying he enjoyed meeting me and he had had a great time and that he had forgotten to ask me a question and asked if I'm tender and giving when I'm in a relationship. I found the question strange and I replied that we can talk about that the next time we meet. I'm not a text person at all, by the way. He didn't reply to that.

 

This morning, I find one more text. Asking if I want to meet for lunch. I haven't repliet yet because I don't know how to reply since I've already told him I'm busy this weekend.

 

I feel he's coming on too strong for my taste and I don't like it. However, I did like him and I don't want him to think I'm not interested. How would you reply to his text?

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I'd say again that you're busy and if you want to meet him again suggest another time you can. But his text was indeed weird and you're feeling something is not quite right in your gut. If you're not comfortable with his advances remember that you can always opt out. You're getting to know him and deciding if you want to move forward or not.

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He's an old timer who believes he needs to be the pursuer... or he's a bit rusty when it comes to dating. If you like him simply and politely decline the lunch date and reschedule. If you don't like him/his approach, simply tell him you're not a good match.

 

People do not instantly blend in communication or dating styles after a first meet. Many people are just not that smooth or slick. Some are just nervous fumblers and well...others are oafs or jerks. maybe you'll just have to see.

 

Part of the problem with online dating is you don't know this person and sometimes people expect perfect people with stellar dating etiquette. When in fact it's just a bunch of ordinary people. Expecting a lot of smooth perfected dating techniques is the best way to attract players/serial daters.... they have the most practice..

He's divorced with 2 kids over 30.

An hour after the date he texted me a long text saying he enjoyed meeting me and he had had a great time

I find one more text. Asking if I want to meet for lunch.

I feel he's coming on too strong for my taste and I don't like it. However, I did like him and I don't want him to think I'm not interested.

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Everyone has different attachment styles... but to me, he’s raising all sorts of warning bells about being needy and clingy. I’d probably bail.

 

I get what Wiseman is saying about not expecting a perfect person - and I agree with that - but for me, even if it’s a friendship context, if I tell you I’m busy over the weekend, I’d expect someone to respect that? Maybe even be interested in what I might be up to? To kind of gloss over that and ask again feels selfish and oblivious and boundary crossing to me? Like he wasn’t at all listening to what I said.

 

... and to add to that the weird, kind of needy question re: whether I’m tender and giving... I mean...

 

I would not be compatible with this person.

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Goodness, I’m kinda sorta seeing what men are complaining about.

 

I’ve expierienced men coming on too strong but I didn’t like them so their actions were not appealing to me Dobler vs Dahmer they were Dahmer...

 

I don’t see that here, you say you like him so I kinda see something that’s not connecting right and when men show real interest it’s unappealing to you...

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Eliza, I'm in your age range, so I have a copacetic understanding of dating at this age.

 

Yes, this guy is coming on a bit too strong, but is it, as Wiseman says, due to clunkiness? Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Men at this age often haven't dated in years, maybe decades, so I'd give this guy a pass and see him again.

 

Yes, for him to ask you out for lunch when you just said you are busy until next week is a bit odd! But, you said "busy this weekend, talk Monday" without an actual date, and this guy probably would feel better if you could give him an actual date, something he can put down on his calendar.

 

Why don't you text him back with some days next week that will work, and plan a date for then?

 

The "tender and giving" part of his text is yes, odd, but perhaps he just came out of a relationship with a she-devil. Who knows. I'd write that off to clunkiness as well.

 

Give it one more date before you decide.

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It's possible he's multi dating and meant that lunch date question for another woman. I know when I was on OLD and had been communicating with a guy, and we arranged for a date when I got back from my vacation, he accidentally e-mailed me about setting up the time and place of a date with another woman.

 

In your shoes, I'd probably go on another date and see how things go.

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Oof, I'm also in you're dating range and understand why this is such a turn-off. I'm someone with a busy life, and who needs early dating to be casual and fun. You told him you were busy, so he should have backed off and let you made the move or at least waited a few days.

 

Like others have said, if you genuinely like him, then reply. This time I would be firmer, though, so he'll cut it out (unless he is crazy needy, which means he will keep going, and you'll ultimately lose interest). Say something along the lines of, "Hey, I told you I was busy yesterday, remember? Sorry I can't meet this weekend, but I'm still down to touch base on Monday."

 

Hopefully he gets it.

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I agree that maybe he texted you in error, and I also agree that if weren't an error it is too much. Finally I agree also with simply ignoring it. Decide when you want to be next available to him, and make a note to communicate that on Monday.

 

His question are you giving etc in relationship -- what are you supposed to say to that? No, I am a selfish b? That's a curious one and flags to me that he may struggle with relationship skills, articulating his needs, or understanding others. Maybe. I would counter ask whether he is familiar with the concept of 5 love languages, and answer in terms of what you like to give and to receive, and ask him the same. That might help transition from words that describe his perception of affection to concrete examples of how affection may be expressed by each of you.

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I'm going to lean in the clunkiness category for this one as well. The question is a bit off-putting, but not alarming to me. Some men are just very forthcoming in what they want and expect and don't want to waste time. I would put in some more time. I also appreciate trying to nail down a second date. When you said you were busy for the weekend, you didn't express you were leaving town or anything (?). Maybe he took a chance that you were not free in the evening, but you could find some time during the day. Personally, if I had the ability, I might counter offer with coffee instead of lunch, as it is busy, or as mentioned earlier, this guy might feel better if you counter offer with a day to meet next week, like Tuesday or Wednesday, sooner over later. When you get some good momentum going, don't wait too long. You're just testing out the waters, not committing to a long-term marriage or anything. Use this time as it's intended and get to know him. Maybe this is a bit red flaggy, maybe clumsy. You're concern is that you don't want him to think you're not interested, so do something to show you are interested...see if you can squeeze out some time, or at least get a date on the books.

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This is what happened:

 

I texted back thank you but I can't make it, I told you I'd be busy this weekend, let's talk on Monday. He texted again asking if I'm busy all day. After 2-3 more texts, I ended up calling him because I was getting frustrated (I've told you I'm not good at texting) and we talked for about 15 minutes. He asked if I had any free time today because he really wanted to see me again and I said we could meet for an hour or so in the afternoon (it was the only free time I had).

 

He seemed happy with that and we agreed on a time and place.

 

Then, 2 hours later he texted again saying 'I think it's better not to meet today after all. The weather is bad, too. Perhaps we can meet some time next week. Have a nice day'.

 

I have no idea what happened. The weather is bad but not that bad and we live close to each other. I feel like all this exchange was for nothing and I'm not even sure I want to see him again.

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This is what happened:

 

I texted back thank you but I can't make it, I told you I'd be busy this weekend, let's talk on Monday. He texted again asking if I'm busy all day. After 2-3 more texts, I ended up calling him because I was getting frustrated (I've told you I'm not good at texting) and we talked for about 15 minutes. He asked if I had any free time today because he really wanted to see me again and I said we could meet for an hour or so in the afternoon (it was the only free time I had).

 

He seemed happy with that and we agreed on a time and place.

 

Then, 2 hours later he texted again saying 'I think it's better not to meet today after all. The weather is bad, too. Perhaps we can meet some time next week. Have a nice day'.

 

I have no idea what happened. The weather is bad but not that bad and we live close to each other. I feel like all this exchange was for nothing and I'm not even sure I want to see him again.

 

He probably wanted to see if he could get you to cave and agree to see him. Once he was assured in his mind that he "has" you, he didn't need to see you after all.

 

Asking if you are "tender and giving" (barf) is his way of finding out if you are the kind of woman who will do anything a man wants just to keep him.

 

In other words, he is "testing".

 

And all of this is my opinion which could be dead wrong or dead on. Since you've interacted with him in real life you would be the better judge of whether what I just wrote is valid or completely off base.

 

But I wouldn't date him again. I have no time for "testers".

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I texted back thank you but I can't make it, I told you I'd be busy this weekend, let's talk on Monday. He texted again asking if I'm busy all day. After 2-3 more texts, I ended up calling him because I was getting frustrated (I've told you I'm not good at texting) and we talked for about 15 minutes. He asked if I had any free time today because he really wanted to see me again and I said we could meet for an hour or so in the afternoon (it was the only free time I had).

 

He seemed happy with that and we agreed on a time and place.

 

Then, 2 hours later he texted again saying 'I think it's better not to meet today after all. The weather is bad, too. Perhaps we can meet some time next week. Have a nice day'.

 

I have no idea what happened. The weather is bad but not that bad and we live close to each other. I feel like all this exchange was for nothing and I'm not even sure I want to see him again.

 

OK here's what I think happened. He felt he was getting a wishy-washy, non-interested response from you, and he decided to just forget the whole thing. I'd wonder if he'll even contact you again.

 

When you called and arranged a time for later that afternoon, he probably thought you were just fitting him into an hour to just appease him. He probably hung up and thought why bother? This woman isn't interested in me, so he used the weather as the excuse.

 

I doubt you'll hear from him again.

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Ok this is kind of flaky, but it's good you called to get that tidbit of info about him.

THe asked if I had any free time today because he really wanted to see me again and I said we could meet for an hour or so in the afternoon (it was the only free time I had).

 

He seemed happy with that and we agreed on a time and place.

 

Then, 2 hours later he texted again saying 'I think it's better not to meet today after all. The weather is bad, too. Perhaps we can meet some time next week. Have a nice day'.

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He felt he was getting a wishy-washy, non-interested response from you, and he decided to just forget the whole thing.

 

Why would he feel that, though? I replied to all his texts, I called him myself, I arranged a date even though my schedule was full for the day. Aren't all these the actions of someone who's interested?

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Then, 2 hours later he texted again saying 'I think it's better not to meet today after all. The weather is bad, too. Perhaps we can meet some time next week. Have a nice day'..

When I read your original post I was thinking, okay give him a chance and go on another date. BUT, after reading the above, I'm thinking I'd head to the hills. Not interested. Move on.

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Why would he feel that, though? I replied to all his texts, I called him myself, I arranged a date even though my schedule was full for the day. Aren't all these the actions of someone who's interested?

 

Yes, these are the actions of someone who's interested, but he may have felt you were just being polite by agreeing to "just an hour, although I'm very busy" today. Let's face it: If this was a guy you were really interested in, you'd have cleared some more of your schedule, or at least pinned down a longer date for next week.

 

Also, I don't know what the specific tone was on the phone call, but you could have sounded less than interested to him, or at least that's how he perceived it.

 

If he doesn't contact you again, and you still want to give it another chance, then I'd text back on Monday, giving some specific days you'd like to get together.

 

Although I do think that he figured you weren't very interested, and that you are now on his back burner, and that he'll only contact you if someone more interested doesn't open up for him.

 

I do think this is simple getting-to-know you clunkiness, rather than him being a jerk. He seems like a nice, very interested, stand-up guy.

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You say you 'liked" him, can you clarify what you mean by "like"?

 

You say it wasn't the best date you've ever had which is fair, but reading what went down -- talking about families, music, books, hobbies - no doubt it was enjoyable for those reasons, but as far as romantic chemistry, it sounds sort of meh. All very polite, but no real click.

 

My advice is to take a pass. My sense is you are just not "feeling it" as they say, and that's okay!

 

As far as him being clingy and needy, let's not start going down that road, or analyzing him and his motives/attachment style, please. You had one meet.

 

This is about you not him.

 

You're not into it, if me I would just txt saying I enjoyed meeting him, but not interested in pursuing further and wish him well.

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I would say your personalities clashed.

 

He probably thinks it's no big deal to text whenever and meet up whenever. You prefer a schedule and don't enjoy texting.

You took him as pushy, he took you as strict.

 

In the end neither of you are enjoying the other one and are clashing to the point of upset.

 

I doubt you'll hear from him again and it's probably for the best. He's not the one.

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When I read your original post I was thinking, okay give him a chance and go on another date. BUT, after reading the above, I'm thinking I'd head to the hills. Not interested. Move on.

 

This 100%. You gave in and compromised and he acted like a lunatic, in my opinion.

 

He seems like a controller or perhaps just someone with really low self-esteem. Either way, you don't need to play these games. I'd be done.

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You say you 'liked" him, can you clarify what you mean by "like"?

 

You say it wasn't the best date you've ever had which is fair, but reading what went down -- talking about families, music, books, hobbies - no doubt it was enjoyable for those reasons, but as far as romantic chemistry, it sounds sort of meh. All very polite, but no real click.

 

By 'like' I meant I liked our conversation and I liked him as a man, too.

 

If there hadn't been any chemistry, I wouldn't have gone out of my way to arrange a meeting today. I wasn't 'wowed' with the date but I felt there was potential.

 

I don't feel that any more.

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I don't feel that any more

 

Honestly, I don't blame you. Him texting you, asking about being tender, etc...that would make me feel eww. What in the heck kind of text is that? Why be so weird and the wording just seems ick.

 

Secondly, if you told him you'd talk to him Monday and he kept texting, I'd feel put off by it too. Pushy, somewhat annoying.

One text maybe would seem nice, as in, he's interested, but by the 3rd text, I would be seriously thinking he needed to get lost.

It's annoying and no where near romantic.

 

But I still think your personalities clashed. Good to find out now rather than down the road.

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Yes, these are the actions of someone who's interested, but he may have felt you were just being polite by agreeing to "just an hour, although I'm very busy" today. Let's face it: If this was a guy you were really interested in, you'd have cleared some more of your schedule, or at least pinned down a longer date for next week.

 

Also, I don't know what the specific tone was on the phone call, but you could have sounded less than interested to him, or at least that's how he perceived it.

 

If he doesn't contact you again, and you still want to give it another chance, then I'd text back on Monday, giving some specific days you'd like to get together.

 

Although I do think that he figured you weren't very interested, and that you are now on his back burner, and that he'll only contact you if someone more interested doesn't open up for him.

 

I do think this is simple getting-to-know you clunkiness, rather than him being a jerk. He seems like a nice, very interested, stand-up guy.

 

You say you 'liked" him, can you clarify what you mean by "like"?

 

You say it wasn't the best date you've ever had which is fair, but reading what went down -- talking about families, music, books, hobbies - no doubt it was enjoyable for those reasons, but as far as romantic chemistry, it sounds sort of meh. All very polite, but no real click.

 

My advice is to take a pass. My sense is you are just not "feeling it" as they say, and that's okay!

 

As far as him being clingy and needy, let's not start going down that road, or analyzing him and his motives/attachment style, please. You had one meet.

 

This is about you not him.

 

You're not into it, if me I would just txt saying I enjoyed meeting him, but not interested in pursuing further and wish him well.

 

I agree with LHgirl and Kat, I think he could tell you werent all that interested which lets be completely honest you werent.

 

Its really no loss here.

 

I also agree with not analyzing him, I remember a meme that said something like "if you arent going to commit to her, let her go, youre holding someones wife hostage" while obviously thats not exactly the same, the concept is the same, for every woman who doesnt care for his forwardness theres another who is going to absolutely love it, throw him back in the stream, someone else will hook him, and by doing that you free your hook to find someone more compatible, win win!

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I agree with LHgirl and Kat, I think he could tell you werent all that interested which lets be completely honest you werent.

 

I'm not sure why you think I wasn't interested. If I weren't interested, I wouldn't call him and arrange a second meeting less than 24 hours after our date and on a day when I was so busy.

 

What am I missing here???

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