I give up on my dreams.

I'm not sure what's going on with me, or if this is the best forum for me to put everything out there but, here it is. Keep in mind this is a guy in his mid-30's.

Today has been insane. Almost literally insane. I work out of the home right now and, for some reason, I snapped. I just flipping snapped. Over the Christmas season, I've been reading Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. I realize, like Charlie before the experiment, that I'm incapable of being capable. Actually, I'm not even at his level; at least he managed to get employed during his 30's. Here, I'm still struggling. And, here's the thing, I'm a recent college graduate, have tested to have an IQ of 124 by mensa and have a bunch of really cool friends. Even as a guy who's unemployed, single and without family to speak of except my mom.

So recently, after trying to sever contact with certain family members whom I now want nothing to do with (their presence triggers memories of abuse and I want nothing to do with them), I snapped. I felt like everything I ever knew was a lie. I went over to all my bookshelves and tossed all my books to the follow, threw down and almost destroyed my laptop and started screaming uncontrollably. All I could think was "my degree is useless and I was never a good student" and "I could never commit to anything I put on my own shoulders" or "having autism since I was young DID make me an idiot and I have only MARGINALLY grown since my teenage years." or "My career choices all fell through because I refuse the responsibility or the rigours of working towards any particular goal" or "I never did well enough in college to even COME CLOSE to getting my masters. What right do I have to want to become a narratology, writing, fiction or storytelling analyst or amateur academic" or "whenever I start something, I give up on it because I get too tired, too scared, too anxious or too self-conscious to make it a reality." Truth bombs all over the place and I can't move past these.

I feel like a darn fool because I don't know what's holding me back. I want to do so many things with my life and I know I can do them if I try. There are books I need to read, a podcast I still have yet to record, articles I would like to write and, of course, increasing my writing ability overall. But I let everything get in way: needing to find another crummy job, using energy to get over from the past, finding energy to get all this done. On top of that, I'm starting to get migranes.

I want to give up. I really want to give up on everything and go back to having a McJob that has nothing to do with what I've been trying to accomplish. What's the point? I'm never going to do any of the things I wanted to with my life. I'm too old, I waited too long, I have no talent and my drive is NOWHERE to be seen. I want to give up and and never try again.

actually... quite interstingly enough - this is NORMAL if you can believe that.

- i think its somewhere like 25% or less are working in the field of their college studies/degree.

- a very high degree of people (70%??) go thru a mid-career transition into a new/different career - typically in their 30's and 40's (i went thru it at 34).

- and then there's midlife crisis - where EVERYBODY reflects on their life and develops their "bucket list" and typically has a new direction in life that they emphasis. "what is my legacy and meaning to life? what do i want to accomplish before i die?"

so ALL of this believe it or not... is NORMAL. don't fret! :)

Now.. what do you do about it?

You figure out what your path is, what your meaning is, what you want to accomplish. And you go get it. A great tip/tool to help I heard on a podcast is to take a notepad and one 1 page write down all the things that bring you ABSOLUTE JOY - makes you happy regardless of wht mood you're in, that will always bring a smile to your face, things you'd do for free and be happy (it could be career related things, personal hobbies, whatever).... it could be "eating a perfectly cooked medium rare steak!" even. Then take the other notepad and write down all the things that make you stressed, sad, depressed.

In the end you look at each notepad and figure out the patterns and underlying foundatino to all the things that make you happy/joyous, and all the things that make you mad/depressed or suck joy out of you. In figuring out these 2 "underlying" things for you - you can develop a plan around how to add and incorporate as mnay thinsg that bring joy to you and remove all the things that create stress. We're talking things like, "i am happiest when i am solving complex problems in business" or "i am happiest when i'm able to teach and train others" or "i am happiest when i am one with nature and preserving it" to "i am happiest when I am active and bettering my health", etc.

then you refine it more.. maybe it'll show you are happiest helping others, or teaching, or solving big problems, or entertaining, or working with food (chef?) etc.

Good luck to you. This is NORMAL. Now go with it to build out and plan out the rset of your life with the things that bring you pure joy! (and remove all those things that impede you from enjoying pure joy!)

I want to give up. I really want to give up on everything and go back to having a McJob that has nothing to do with what I've been trying to accomplish. What's the point? I'm never going to do any of the things I wanted to with my life. I'm too old, I waited too long, I have no talent and my drive is NOWHERE to be seen. I want to give up and and never try again.

Okay. Who says you can't do that? Some of my best, most inspiring times where when I backed off of the pressure-cooker stuff and played with a toy job. It broke my lockjam of goal barriers and liberated my joy and creativity.

Part of maturity is recognizing that WE are our only judge and jury. If we want to sentence ourselves to miserable thinking, we can do that--it's not against the law, since we're the only ones who suffer the consequences. By the same token, we can sentence ourselves to an indefinite period of 'play time' and indulge in that, instead.

You can choose your own perceptions and project those onto anything you want. If you want to beat yourself up over some self-invented timeline, you can do that. If you want to recognize that your mid 30's affords you the rights and capabilities to craft your own 'recreation therapy,' you can view it that way instead, and see what shakes out for you.

Head high.

It sounds like you are afraid to fail. 90% of the population is. This just means you are normal. Don't be.

Easier said than done, I know. However, you are at the bottom. What do you have to lose if you do fail? Not much. What do you have to gain? Confidence, success, or a valuable lift lesson? These are the building blocks of life.

Need a mcjob to survive for a bit if you fail? That's fine. But once again, you'll have nothing to lose by trying again.

So what I would do is tell yourself to limit the pity parties to about 10 minutes a day - maybe even during a brisk walk so you're getting the negative energy out while exerting yourself. MENSA is impressive on a resume and doesn't have much relevance to pointing you in the right direction career wise and it doesn't speak to your social skills/emotional intelligence all of which are crucial to succeed at most jobs including McJobs. I remade myself as a full time married parent and relocated hundreds of miles from where I grew up for 43 years in my early 40s. Yes I was lucky. I basically knew the two careers I wanted to follow by the time I turned 15. And I did both. I still do one of them now that I am back to work. Started career number 2 at 25 years old and was really afraid of failing!

Here are two things that increase my energy level to have the motivation for my part time work plus part-full time parent. I do brisk walking on the treadmill or outside -pace is 4.6 mph and on an incline most often - for at least 30 minutes a day and I get plenty of other exercise because of my child and my commute to work. It increases my energy and positive outlook even when I am so tired when I start. And I increased my water intake from 6 glasses a day to closer to 12 -and no diet soda (I do coffee but not all day and not that much). I started the water because of digestive issues and have found the benefits include - I am more relaxed in general, I have more energy, my skin looks better so I feel more attractive at age 52, etc. My point is that even though it's not easy to start new habits the habits/activities I'm suggesting are simple and free/inexpensive. I also do 4-7-8 breathing regularly (weill method) and make myself think of three good things from the day before I go to sleep even if one is "avocado on toast". I've been doing this for years. It really helps perspective and mindset.

I also read Flowers for Algernon many years ago! Good luck!!

I also think you're afraid to fail. You're not too old at all. Society puts pressure on taking certain steps to guarantee wealth and security . In reality , it's not as simple as point A to point B . Life has many pathways and it's ok. Not sure if this place is good for venting support

I am really glad I read this today because I know exactly how you feel. Most of my family is on drugs or in jails and my home life is a disaster. This past year I had a similar realization. I constantly jump between goals to the point of where it is ridiculous. I am good at a lot of things but not amazing at just 1 thing. But here is what I have learned: you do not need to look at life as a place to gain achievements. Life to me, is not about stacking a laundry list of everything you accomplished. Sure, it may make you feel good about yourself, but will you feel satisfied? What I am getting at is this world is filled with so many different things you can do. Sure you could get your master's and work full time the rest of your life. Or, you could take a year off, learn to dance, learn a new sport, paint a picture, make a song, go somewhere new, or even volunteer in a homeless shelter and meet others who have it even worse.

Patsy Rodenburg says humans live in 3 circles, "the circle of the past, the present and the future." Do you want to obsess about what could have been different in your past? Or what you could have done to have a different future? NO! You want to think about what you can do right now to be happy. If you are reading this, think to yourself- what would be fun for me right in this moment? It could be anything.

I went through something very traumatic 2 years ago and because of it, I developed PTSD, Panic disorder and could not function without xanax. It has been a long road and I am still not the person I wish to be. But instead of worrying about that, I ask myself, "what can I do for myself today?" I am currently finishing my bachelor's and working really hard to achieve straight As but then I remind myself not to take life so seriously. The other day, I got home from school, and decided to tie dye some shirts in the grass out in the sun. It was an amazing day because I found joy in something so simple. So please, do not worry because you are not alone in this. But you have to find a way to stay present. It is very difficult I am not going to lie- i struggle with it every day. But it is worth it once you do:) Good luck! and if you need to talk to someone feel free to message me! Also please watch this video- it will help you tremendously, and truly changed my perspective :

Ok now take a deep breath and exhale.

I am 38 and I have 3 boys 21, 19 and 16. I used to say when my boys graduate I can die because I lived my life for them. Well, in December my 16 year old found out he was graduating early and as of May 2019 I would be childless. I didn't have a job and my second husband and I had split up months before. We were together 8 years and I was the bread winner 6 of them at that point is where I found myself.

If you feel like letting go of that superficial life then do so. Don't worry about what other people think about what you are doing. I started having children at 17 and finally now at 38 I will get to enjoy life like an 18 year old. No kids I'm responsible for and I can live for me. Well, you have that now. Get a stress free job and get a roommate or work from home like I do, but whatever you do make sure it's what you feel like doing and what you want to do. Life was meant to live. So live it up..

You've said you know you can if you try. So try! Don't give up.

Regarding your migraines, ask your doctor about Immitrex which also comes in cartridge form. You won't be left bedridden and can function during the remainder of your day.

You're not too old. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and persevere. Chin up.