Jealousy in a complicated situation

Hi, I hope someone is willing to read all of this and help me out. It's a long one, sorry

So I had been dating this girl for 6 months after summer break. I was 19 at the time, she was 16 (now 20 and 17). We met on holidays and we found out that she lonly lives 1.5 hours away from my town by train. So we decided to keep seeing each other. I didn't want a serious relationship. After 6 months I was starting to get doubts about still seeing her. It was a hassle every time, which cost me quite a bit of money. And since I wasn't actually in love, I was thinking about moving on. There was another girl I kind of liked and all in all I just thought I was maybe ready for something else. When I told her I was having doubts, she immediately said that we should quit. And it sucked. We talked for a long time on the phone and we both cried, because in 6 months I started really caring about her. I think she's very attractive and sweet and she had told me things that she hadn't told many other people including some of her best friends. We also had insane chemistry, which I had never experienced before. Needless to say, sex was great.

After we stopped seeing each other I was a mess. I didn't want to try anything with anyone else. I kept looking at the pictures we took together and started thinking I maybe did have serious feelings for her after all. So I told her that, and she admitted that she may feel the same about me (she had always said that she felt the same as I did, that she wasn't in love). So I went to see her again. At first I was insanely happy about seeing her. We had a lot of fun just watching movies (getting distracted by each other after 10 minutes every time) and spent the night together. But the intense looks she gave me and how much she seemed to like me scared me. I felt very guilty because I had said that I was maybe considering to get in a relationship after all, but when seeing her look at me like that it made me doubt myself. And I don't know why. The next day when we were walking to the train for me to leave she noticed something was off and we talked. I basically said I had to think about it. She kept saying she felt like she wasn't enough and I just couldn't tell her about the fact that I didn't feel in love. Once on the train I told her I had realised that I wasn't in love and probably never will be. I hurt her so much. She told me she was going to throw up and she felt like an idiot. She wasn't mad at me in the slightest. She is an insecure girl and I completely shattered her confidence I feel like. I felt so bad and was so sad about never seeing her again I cried more than I cried over my actual ex leaving me once. I cried for at least 45 minutes on the train, tears and snot running over my face. Weird right? I was the one telling her I wasn't in love and I was probably at least as messed up as she was. Two or three days later we talked again and she was fine. The fact that she recovered so quickly made her think that she wasn't really in love with me. And then we just started talking again.

Now, a couple months later, we still talk every day. We talk over the phone and watch series together. I talk to her about everything I think about in a day and we still talk about having sex together, over the phone or texts. The last time I went to see her I accidentally bought 2 tickets so I still have one that's expiring in 2 months. I've been saying I would like to see her again, and I can tell she wants to see me too, but she is having doubts. She just really doesn't know. She says she's scared about feelings coming back (even though she told me that maybe she wasn't in love). I guess in the end she liked me more than I liked her (but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be devastated if I never saw here again. This is something that she fails to understand. "If he doesn't love me, why does he want to be with me?) I've suggested to just drop it but she doesn't want me to throw the ticket away. So that's my first issue. I have no idea where she stands in this. I miss her so much and I'm honestly confused with myself. It may be worth mentioning that I've never had a physical relationship like I had with her. She wasn't my first time having sex, neither was I hers. But my first time was a one time Tinder thing. So she is in that aspect very special to me.

The thing is, not knowing if she wants to see me isn't that much of an issue. But when she went to a party and kissed another guy I was really really upset. Not with her, just with the idea of her making out with someone else. Now this guy is a friend of hers and she assured me that she's not actually interested in him. But the next week, it happened again. She tells me that she confuses herself by doing it again and still assures me that it's not romantic in any way. Though both times it felt like a punch in the stomach. Even though we're not in a relationship and I even made out with a girl one time, it was unbearable to me. And both times I sucked it up and continued to be intimate with her. And tomorrow she has another party where this same guy is coming and she is absolutely unable to reassure me in any way that it won't happen again. She says that in the moment she doesn't think about the consequences, especially since we're not in a relationship. This bothers me a lot. If she knows how much it hurt me how hard could it be to just not make out with a guy she doesn't even like? While at the same time telling me she feels really guilty and doesn't want to hurt me. Keep in mind we actually do care about each other. We talked about it a lot and I believe her when she says she doesn't understand why she's doing it. She just feels sad and lonely and when tipsy/drunk she gets very huggy and since they are friends she can do that with him. Then they end up kissing. When I told her how much that bothered me we got in a fight. She said that she was annoyed by me telling her what to do when I was the one ending our thing in the first place. But in the end we made up.

I just feel so stupid every time continuing to be intimate with her when she keeps making out with the same guy. Even though she herself also wants to be more than friends with me even after making out with that guy twice. It's such a mind. I'm not even in love with her but it still puts me in so much pain it's stupid. Though the thought of losing the only person I actually talk to every day and am intimate with is even worse. I do have friends, but we just don't share the little things that happen during a regular day. We talked again today and she admitted we do have something special. And she's sorry about not being able to reassure me.

So here I am, it's friday, I'm writing this because I feel about tomorrow because I'm sure the same thing is going to happen again and it's killing me. Even though I'm the one who hurt her in the first place. I hope some of you can give your opinions on my situation. Also English is not my first language so excuse my ty grammar from time to time.

Leave this poor girl alone. You have been a total mindfuc* to her. Really selfish!

You don't want her, but don't want anyone else to have her. You have a lot to learn about how to treat others.

Don't mess with people like this, as you give them hope. You have been very cruel!

Leave her alone, and stop all contact!

You don't give a damn about her. You simply like the attention and ego boost. How would you like someone to treat you like this?

if shes making out with somebody else - leave her.

simple as that.

if shes making out with somebody else - leave her.

simple as that.

There is nothing to leave, as he has been jerking her around and will not make any type of commitment to her.

whether he's been jerking her or her jerking him - leave. end it. period.

continuing contact for any reason - there is no reason to here.

I agree. For her sake.

for both their sake

First, your english is excellent. No problems there.

Secondly there's this:

And both times I sucked it up and continued to be intimate with her.

You're making yourself sound like a champ for "sucking it up" after you were upset with her for kissing another guy AFTER you broke up with her. Twice.

You want her only after you can't have her. For being a little older than her, you are the one acting like a child.

This is how it goes: You break up with someone, that person is now free to date whomever she wants. She has no tie to you, no obligation, zip, zilch, nada. You have the right to be angry if you want, but leave her out of the equation. You have played yo-yo with her heart enough times so just please leave her alone already.

Stop all contact and get on with getting on with your life. Se doesn't need you keeping her mired to you through your little intimate conversations. You both need to go no contact in order to get to the stage of indifference to one another so you can find suitable partners that You are not afraid to commit to.

It's time for you to move on. I know how difficult it is. I'm sure every person on this board has gone back to an ex at least once, whether the breaker or the break-ey or both. You determine you're really not interested anymore, then once apart, you miss it. There is a loss. You remember the great times. You have a hole and a void that was once her space, and even though on some level you're releived and free, it's still a loss and then you forget the reason why it wasn't working and go back....only to find yourself remembering that there's nothing there anymore. This is a normal yo-yo response, and it can happen as the break-ey as well. When someone you care about breaks up or ghosts you, it hurts, and then they want you back...and you try it again, hoping it will be different this time, only for the boyfriend/girlfriend to realize the reason they don't want to be with you, and off they go again...and it hurts! You feel used, stupid, and your hopes were dashed.

The mistake here is maintained contact. You're bouncing around all over the place and you need to extract your exGF from your sphere. Get used to having that void. Fill that void with other activities, maybe a date or two if you feel ready.

Jealousy is going to be a normal reaction to someone you were once in a relationship with. You may despise them and never want them back, but when you catch wind they're dating another? Oh yeah, it can be there. Not necessarily so much you go after them or try to get them back, but there's still jealousy.

I find your behavior cruel, and you are messing with this girl. You need to stop doing that. I also find her need to share her make-out sessions with you rather mean spirited, and I don't see any reason to even share something like this with you other than to invoke those feelings of jealousy, maybe a ploy to get you back so no one else can have her. She's 17, and this is what immature girls do.

Neither of you are in a place where you can be buddies. You can't have these talks. Maybe in 5 or 10 years from now you can be buddies, double date, attend each other's weddings, etc., but now is not the time.

It's keeping you attached to her...you don't want her. You know when you go back, you will find yourself in this same place, once again realizing you don't really have feelings for her...and once again stomping on her hopeful heart. She maintains this relationship because she still wants you, I'm guessing, and she's hopeful you'll return. She's keeping her foot in the door. And she is making sure you know she can get other guys. Keep in mind, this is probably not a malicious and calculated act, it's probably more subconstious than anything, but I remember the joy in knowing that the guy who dumped me saw me with a new guy at school, or that college freshman. Oh yeah, there was hope this would create a desire to try again...and it would fail.

Like everyone else has said, you need to let her go. Stop trying to be buddies. You need to separate yourself from her and have a chance to truly step back and see what it is about her and you and both of you together that wasn't working. This jealousy around her making out with other guys is not helping you see the reality and heal. She needs a chance to heal, move on, and realize this is the end for you two...it's over. Don't keep her tethered to you.

Tonight I went out after work with a coworker. It turns out we both bumped into our boyfriends from 20-something years ago, and dated them. Now neither has turned into anything more than a few dates, but I want you to realize that if this is something that is meant to happen, there's potential for that down the road. For now, she's still in high school and is on a completely different operating level than you, and she needs to have room to grow, experience, and separate herself from your clutches. You could stand to have that space to realize the yes's and the no's and what you desire in a partner. You can't do that while she's "in your face."