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Thread: My bestie is destructive in her relationships. How can I help her?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thisisrichey
    Figure - i get what you're saying. But true friends do help each other out too. As I said in my post, the "repetitive" and "you can predict what's coming stuff" you can distract yourself and not pay attentino too much to that (which is the exact same thi you're saying) and then come back into focus on the more serious parts.

    We all need that '1 friend' (always better to have more though) that can help us thru the toughest times we can't help ourselves. That's what a true friend is.
    otherwise, we're all just acquaintances without any signicant other connection.
    I hear you but if she isn't one that friend, dont act as if you are, to reiterate:

    You can be there for her. Listen. Give advise if you are up for it, but do yourself and your friendship and don't get invested in the outcome.
    This is her journey and her lesson to learn.
    Easiest way to get a friend to stop confiding in you? Let them know you're judging them. Seriously, I know I'd stop confiding in a friend if I knew. Not everyone is cut out to be 'that' friend and its ok to choose peace, to want your peace and to not allow people to disturb that, if other peoples drama causes distress in you? You arent that friend, thats ok! let them know.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 02-22-2019 at 07:34 PM.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What's in this for you? Living vicariously? Feeling grateful about "my partner and I have been going strong for 14 years"? If she is emotion dumping this much then pull back. Obviously you don't have to fix her or offer advice, etc, however you also don't have to listen this much unless of course the juicy details of her latest "jump from relationship to relationship, always ending on *terrible* terms" somehow fascinates you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I would tell friend that I see a pattern, and I no longer believe that running back to me with complaints is helpful to her in any way. It might 'feel' good to do that, but I'd like for her to try a different tactic when it comes to our relationship. From now on, when she wants a sounding board, she can come to me and we can talk about anything else in the world EXCEPT for BF or whoever else in her life is 'wrong', and instead she needs to skip the complaints and tell me what is RIGHT: everything GOOD that she can think of about the BF or the situation that keeps her IN the situation she wants to complain about.

    If she's looking for a venting board to talk herself into deeper misery, I'm no longer a good outlet for that. If she wants to tell me that 'something is wrong, and I need to work out ways to see how ~I~ have contributed to that, and to figure out what ~I~ can change about my own tactics, then here I am.

    I'd leave that in her lap and let her know that I love her--and that's exactly why I'm turning the tables on her habit of drilling herself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What's in this for you? Living vicariously? Feeling grateful about "my partner and I have been going strong for 14 years"? If she is emotion dumping this much then pull back. Obviously you don't have to fix her or offer advice, etc, however you also don't have to listen this much unless of course the juicy details of her latest "jump from relationship to relationship, always ending on *terrible* terms" somehow fascinates you.



    *touches index finger to nose*

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    We can't control how people act. I know it's frustrating as someone who has seen her father with a bat sh*t abusive woman and always getting back to her. I've given advice several times and everything I could and I've heard the complaints over and over again. But it comes to a point when you have to accept people's journeys how it is and the best you can do is be there to listen and give support when necessary. People will change when they either understand their patterns or what's causing them or when the pain of the repetitive patterns is so big that they need to say "enough is enough" for the sake of their self preservation.

  7. #16
    Member julsiebear's Avatar
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    All these replies are so insightful and well articulated, man, thank you guys. Also it felt so good to just get that stuff off my chest.

    @Realitynut: thanks so much for sharing. This is an uncannily good description of her - I donít want to fall into the trap of psychoanalysing her, but it is always good to keep in mind that everyone comes by their own baggage honestly. She is seeing a therapist already, which is a plus.

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Intellectually she understands. She can say all the right things to give the indication that she knows why she makes bad choices.
    But most people have a hard time letting their emotions catch up with their logic and instead let their emotions rule the whole show.
    Wow. Yes. This really resonates.

    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I completely realize Iím the odd man out but for the life of me I donít understand why people take their friends venting to them so seriously.
    I used to think the same. Who doesnít love being confided in? But then there was one time, after two years of vicious fighting with her (actual jerk) bf, she called me crying and super upset, saying she was on the curb in front of her apt with a garbage bag full of her stuff, and could I please come pick her up. Of course I could - I made a beeline to my car, but as soon as I was behind the wheel, I totally lost it, I sobbed half of the way to her place. So that was a clue that these things can rub off on you, even if you donít realize at first. It makes sense, I guess. Seeing someone you love in pain is upsetting.
    Also, I come to know and like some of these guys with time, a lot of them are great people. So their explosive breakups mean I lose a friend too, and then the next guy comes along and you build up a friendship with him, and the cycle repeats, itís exhausting.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What's in this for you? Living vicariously? Feeling grateful about "my partner and I have been going strong for 14 years"? If she is emotion dumping this much then pull back. Obviously you don't have to fix her or offer advice, etc, however you also don't have to listen this much unless of course the juicy details of her latest "jump from relationship to relationship, always ending on *terrible* terms" somehow fascinates you.
    The great friendship is whatís in it for me, primarily. These unpleasant conversations are not our whole relationship. Plus when I need support, sheís the first one I call, too.
    As for vicarious living, favorable comparisons to my relationship, a bit of twisted fascination in hearing her problems... yes, maybe, Iím not immune to that stuff. When she shares the gory details, frankly, I am simultaneously riveted and also repulsed at myself for feeling that way. Thatís why Iím so conflicted about saying something. Would it really be to help her, or would it just scratch a pedantic itch?

    But if you told me tomorrow there would never be another anlysis of her latest awful fight, it would be, overwhelmingly, a relief. I would much, much rather see her happy than keep watching this soap opera.

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