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Thread: Bf wants sex, I donít

  1. #1

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    Bf wants sex, I donít

    My bf and I have been dating since last April. At the beginning of 2019, I had some circumstances which made me really stressed and depressed. We used to regularly have sex, but because of the circumstances I completely lost all of my libido.

    Hereís where it begins to get worse. Every time he wants to have sex and I donít, he becomes very annoyed. This then makes me feel stressed, we argue, and I become even more put off sex. Itís happened so many times Iíve started associating sex with arguing so now I almost never want to have sex. Add this onto my slight fear of sex, since the last few times really hurt.

    We argue about my lack of wanting sex/him wanting sex almost every single time we meet, which then leads me to regret inviting him over. Iím seeking advice because this has become a cycle that we just canít seem to get out of. Iíve wondered about how I can get my libido back, but every time I think of sex I can only think of annoyance and arguments. And I every time I deny him sex, the annoyance and arguing happens.

    From his perspective, heís started wondering if something else is going on since we havenít had sex for almost 2 months. He also thinks Iím not affectionate enough towards him because Iíve been busy and havenít been able to see him as much.

    Any advice about how to break out of this cycle would be so much appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. At this point first take care of yourself. That means consulting with a gyn as well as discussing stress, depression, etc and getting a referral to a therapist you sort through this. It also sounds like it's time to reflect if there is too much relationship conflict in general that continually manifests as this cycle.

  3. #3
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    Have you sought any therapy? This is not fair to him. You need to deal with your issues, for both of you..

    He is also not handling thing well.

  4. #4

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    @Wiseman2 @Hollyj regarding the circumstances in the beginning of 2019, I have sorted through all of them. Do you mean to seek therapy for my lack of wanting sex/associating sex with arguments?

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  6. #5
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    Have you seen a doctor regarding your libido, or are you turned off by your bf?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Outside of the sex issue, how is everything else in your relationship? Any other problems you haven't mentioned?

  8. #7
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Let's ask some self-questions before we hit the doctor shall we?
    1. is it that you just don't desire sex in general? Or is it that yo dont' find the idea of sex with your bf appealing? (aka do you find yourself able to be turned on by anything here and there.. perhaps a fantasy in your head, a dream you've had, or any celebrity, movie, or erotica, a "chick flick")?
    2. does anything you wnet thru that threw off your libido have anything to do with menopause?
    3. outside of the anxiousness now surrounding sex in your current relationship - how is the rest of the relationship going?
    4. are you still able to masturbate and experience pleasure from that?

    i think #1, the bf needs to lay off the emphasis of the bedroom with you right now. The bigger deal he makes it, as you can see, the worse it makes your interest in sex with him. So until we remove the "buzz kill" that is your bf wnating sex - there can be no joy and pleasure in sex with your bf right now.

    let's answer these questions first and go from there. also have a talk with the bf that if ou're done with him, tell him. if you are trying to find your libido back for him then let him know that and ask that he be patient and not keep pressuring you over it - as that makes it harder to find it.

    Good luck.

  9. #8
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Thisisrichey is asking the right questions. If you're libido is not gone in general and just gone for your boyfriend, you may want to rethink the relationship. It's not fair to either of you to be in an involuntary sexless relationship, and it doesn't sound like he's been very supportive in your time of need.

    Fighting every time you get together about sex and feeling miserable about seeing him just isn't healthy. My advice would be to continue working on your treatment alone and to find someone new when you're ready.


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