Should I break up with him? I don't know what to do...

So my boyfriend, of a little over 2 years now, has been on a trip with his parents for a few days and yesterday he told me that they were finally going to go to the strip club. I already knew this ahead of time, he talked to me about it and asked about lap dances. It was all fine, he could go and have fun and get a lap dance and stuff. It was him and his dad. Last night they went out late and went to this place they searched, it ended up being a gay bar I think? Thats what he told me, so they walked around and ended up finding a LEGAL brothel, and he had a choice. Just get a strip show or get something sexual. He ended up asking for a blowjob. He went to the private room and stripped but when the older lady walked in he regretted it and said no, he ended up just getting a back massage. He immediately told me as soon as he got back and he felt so bad. I've never heard him so sad and upset at himself, I've never heard him say this many sorry's. Its just not his personality. But I don't know what to do. I feel hurt and terribly sad, he asked for it and knew what was going to happen, but he still stripped for it. Yet he didn't go through with it. I don't know what I should do. I forgive him and I love him, but I'm really hurt and I need advice. I don't want to ask anyone else because my friends don't really like him but my parents love him so I don't want to ask them.

Do not have any sexual/physical contact with him until he gets a full std panel. You were not there and do not really know the facts at this point. Why don't your friends like him?

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. There really is no right or wrong way to handle this, there is only what is right for you. Give yourself some time to figure how you feel, whether you think you can get past it or not. I personally don’t think I could forgive that, and so I would walk away. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t others who could give a second chance and end up being happy. My point is, figure out how YOU feel about it, and know that whatever choice you make, you’re right.

Take care of yourself first.

So - the thing that would bother me the most about this is not so much the potential betrayal. It’s the family dynamic?

It’s weird to me that he would go to the strip joint with his dad. (Especially while his mom was presumably back at the hotel?). It’s extra weird to me that he would opt for something sexual while with his dad. This tells me that in his family, this type of thing is considered “normal”? I have to wonder if his father cheats on his mother this way and if this is also considered “normal”. There are some people who honestly believe that cheating in a relationship is “normal” particularly if they’ve been married many years (I have even heard people say “everyone does it. If they aren’t talking about it, they are just hiding it”

Anyways, people often emulate their parents’ relationship.

Personally, I would not stay in this relationship. Not so much because of what he did or did not do this particular time... but because I question his thoughts, views, etc.

well nothing happened so to speak, he was up front and honest about it. If you really love him then just speak to him to see if your values align.

The thing with strip clubs is that yes, some people think it's perfectly fine and normal. It's like its own culture. Not all women have a problem with them either. I've known some that will go there with their SO and they both enjoy going and it's their thing that they do. My personal mileage at large about this topic is that people tend to be either totally into it, like it's a hobby, or totally repulsed and against it. Not much in between the two extremes.

So, first thing that you need to sort out is how does your bf really feel about it. Was this a once off thing that he now knows isn't his thing or is this something that he'll pursue again. Once you have that info, then decide whether his choices align with your values and what you will or won't tolerate. If his choices and values don't align with yours, then unfortunately it's a hard deal breaker regardless of other good aspects of the relationship.

If you choose to forgive him and put this behind you, don't sleep with him until he gets tested for STD's and proves he is clean. A case of better be safe than sorry.

So - the thing that would bother me the most about this is not so much the potential betrayal. It’s the family dynamic?

 

It’s weird to me that he would go to the strip joint with his dad. (Especially while his mom was presumably back at the hotel?). It’s extra weird to me that he would opt for something sexual while with his dad. This tells me that in his family, this type of thing is considered “normal”? I have to wonder if his father cheats on his mother this way and if this is also considered “normal”. There are some people who honestly believe that cheating in a relationship is “normal” particularly if they’ve been married many years (I have even heard people say “everyone does it. If they aren’t talking about it, they are just hiding it”

 

Anyways, people often emulate their parents’ relationship.

 

Personally, I would not stay in this relationship. Not so much because of what he did or did not do this particular time... but because I question his thoughts, views, etc.

I've read on several forums men (generally older) saying they don't consider sex with prostitutes cheating and they'll even defend their choice saying that it makes the marriage better lol But anyway, such as you I'd be a bit worried with this family dynamic and how it could translate to him and the relationship and him seeing cheating in brothels as something ordinary and ok. I would never be ok with a boyfriend going to a brothel to get a blowjob. And it's even weirder him going with his father, specially while his mother is also at the trip.

I recommend a full STD panel before even considering having sex with him again if you decide to stay with him.

Dump this guy. He was going to get blown by a prostitute. Get tested.

Why in the world would you be cool with a lap dance? Expect more from your partners.

Why don't your friends like him? Creepy that he goes to a strip club with dad. Your bf sounds sleazy.

Let's assume he's being honest for a moment, and didn't actually go through with the oral sex.

It's the intent to engage in sex with another woman - especially one in an industry ripe with STIs and HIV - that would have me ending the relationship anyway. If you two are monogamous and exclusive, what was he doing even looking for a brothel to begin with? Personally, I expect to be able to trust my partner not to put himself in situations that could jeopardize the relationship in the first place. This would show me quite clearly that I could not trust this guy to use good judgment and exercises appropriate boundaries.

The fact that he's visiting prostitutes with his Dad just makes the situation that much more skeevy. It appears the whole family has very odd boundaries that would not work for me.

I think you'd be unwise to stay, but if you do - do not sleep with him unless and until he gets a full STI/HIV test. Then get yourself tested as well. You have no clue if his version of events is true, and your health is not worth the risk.

Intent is one thing. Being capable of putting yourself in a situation where you request it is one thing.

BUT - when push came to shove he couldn't do it. That's the most important part! ACTIONS speak VOLUMES!

and he apologized like crazy about it - RIGHT AWAY - didn't hide it, didn't hold back on it - didn't even take time to figure out how to tell you.

that shuld go a LONG way on this situation.

So he did everything he could to make it right after he made a mistake.

Now the ball is in your court. Is this something you can move on from and trust him with and not let linger forever? If not - then this is over and you should end it. If so, then forgiveness and trust is what all relationsips are built on and that's what you are doing. NOW.. if it happens AGAIN - i would advise to end it at that point- more than once means a pattern and a real issue.

Good luck on your decision.

Intent is one thing. Being capable of putting yourself in a situation where you request it is one thing.

BUT - when push came to shove he couldn't do it. That's the most important part! ACTIONS speak VOLUMES!

and he apologized like crazy about it - RIGHT AWAY - didn't hide it, didn't hold back on it - didn't even take time to figure out how to tell you.

 

that shuld go a LONG way on this situation.

 

So he did everything he could to make it right after he made a mistake.

 

Now the ball is in your court. Is this something you can move on from and trust him with and not let linger forever? If not - then this is over and you should end it. If so, then forgiveness and trust is what all relationsips are built on and that's what you are doing. NOW.. if it happens AGAIN - i would advise to end it at that point- more than once means a pattern and a real issue.

 

Good luck on your decision.

Huh! So he should be commended for not allowing a prostitute to give him a blowie? Have our expectations of are partners resorted to such a low level. He went to a brothel with his father. Blech.

She should be dealing with her lack of self worth and concentrate on losing this guy.

OP, you have never responded as to why your friends do not like him?

Intent is one thing. Being capable of putting yourself in a situation where you request it is one thing.

BUT - when push came to shove he couldn't do it. That's the most important part! ACTIONS speak VOLUMES!

and he apologized like crazy about it - RIGHT AWAY - didn't hide it, didn't hold back on it - didn't even take time to figure out how to tell you.

 

that shuld go a LONG way on this situation.

 

`He went to the private room and stripped but when the older lady walked in he regretted it and said no'

Would the outcome have been different if it were a young attractive woman?

What exactly did he regret?

I just feel dirty having read the whole thing.

No i didn't say he's a hero. I'm just saying that COUNTS for something and does speak volumes.

I also said.. "he did everything right after he made a mistake". So i did say he made a mistake.

I also said.. if this is somethi ngshe can forgive him for and can handle great!

If not, she should leave.

How is that bad advice?

We're human. i don' think we should beat anybody down after a mistake - especially if the ultimately corrected th emistake before it ultimately happened and have done the right things since.

None of us are perfect and thus I'm not one that subscribes to beating people down for their single-incident mistakes. (Notice: I said IF it happens again, then we have a problem. That's a pattern.)

Not sure what you're reading but.. to jump down somebody's throat who ULTIMATELY didn't do the deed... is a bit harsh in my book and a bit hypocritical as we ALL make mistakes.

 

How is that bad advice?

 

.

It's not bad advice.

It's just your advice.

Others may view it differently.

Not right or wrong, just different opinions.

Though I included your post, I wasn't debating you :) sorry.

Just wanted to add something I think others may have overlooked.

It's not bad advice.

It's just your advice.

Others may view it differently.

Not right or wrong, just different opinions

aparnetly HollyJ thinks it's horrible advice to even have empathy for the guy who ultimately didn't go thru with it and felt horrible and apologized constantly ever since. *shrugs*

and no.. i'm not saying everybody has to agree with me, that's why we have forums.

but apparently HollyJ didn't like my "perspective" on this and had to let me know about it.

We just need to give our opinions, respect the rest and let the poster take what they will and leave the rest.

i agree.. apparently somebody else doesn't agree with that on this thread.

No i didn't say he's a hero. I'm just saying that COUNTS for something and does speak volumes.

I also said.. "he did everything right after he made a mistake". So i did say he made a mistake.

 

I also said.. if this is somethi ngshe can forgive him for and can handle great!

If not, she should leave.

 

How is that bad advice?

 

We're human. i don' think we should beat anybody down after a mistake - especially if the ultimately corrected th emistake before it ultimately happened and have done the right things since.

None of us are perfect and thus I'm not one that subscribes to beating people down for their single-incident mistakes. (Notice: I said IF it happens again, then we have a problem. That's a pattern.)

 

Not sure what you're reading but.. to jump down somebody's throat who ULTIMATELY didn't do the deed... is a bit harsh in my book and a bit hypocritical as we ALL make mistakes.

It does not count for anything . The guy and situation are sleazy, all around.

I do not see going to a prostitute and dropping your pants as a mistake, but an active choice.

The lap dances would have done it for me.

So he accidentally went to the brothel, accidentally ordered up oral sex, then his clothing accidentally fell off?

A mistake is unintentional. This sounds planned.

And, why do all the friends not like him?

Blug. This guy paid to cheat as a social outing with his father, didn't enjoy the reality of the experience (not all prostitutes are young, attractive 18-year-olds), came crying to you, and you want to stay with him?

You draw the boundary here and now. You either want a committed monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't pay for sex on family trips (boundary action: breaking up and staying broken up) or you stay with the guy and condone the action, resulting in a repeat of the same or even worse. Only you can decide what you're willing to accept, but if you're willing to accept this, you probably need therapy to rebuild your self-esteem.

Intent is one thing. Being capable of putting yourself in a situation where you request it is one thing.

BUT - when push came to shove he couldn't do it. That's the most important part! ACTIONS speak VOLUMES!

and he apologized like crazy about it - RIGHT AWAY - didn't hide it, didn't hold back on it - didn't even take time to figure out how to tell you.

 

that shuld go a LONG way on this situation.

 

So he did everything he could to make it right after he made a mistake.

 

Now the ball is in your court. Is this something you can move on from and trust him with and not let linger forever? If not - then this is over and you should end it. If so, then forgiveness and trust is what all relationsips are built on and that's what you are doing. NOW.. if it happens AGAIN - i would advise to end it at that point- more than once means a pattern and a real issue.

 

Good luck on your decision.

I think he couldn't do it not because of the OP but because he didn't feel turned on when the time came.

No i didn't say he's a hero. I'm just saying that COUNTS for something and does speak volumes.

I also said.. "he did everything right after he made a mistake". So i did say he made a mistake.

 

I also said.. if this is somethi ngshe can forgive him for and can handle great!

If not, she should leave.

 

How is that bad advice?

 

We're human. i don' think we should beat anybody down after a mistake - especially if the ultimately corrected th emistake before it ultimately happened and have done the right things since.

None of us are perfect and thus I'm not one that subscribes to beating people down for their single-incident mistakes. (Notice: I said IF it happens again, then we have a problem. That's a pattern.)

 

Not sure what you're reading but.. to jump down somebody's throat who ULTIMATELY didn't do the deed... is a bit harsh in my book and a bit hypocritical as we ALL make mistakes.

This is just my opinion, but I don't think this was a "ups, I made a mistake". He went to the brothel with the intent of getting a blow job from a prostitute but couldn't get turned on to continue it. This is full blown cheating in my opinion if they have a committed and exclusive relationship. If it's an open relationship or if having paid sex is not considered cheating to them, then great and end of discussion. It's good that he's apologising and told her he went to the brothel, but I think it's a huge red flag (to a person who wants an exclusive and committed relationship with no sex outside the relationship) a man who goes to a brothel with his father to get blow jobs. Another aggravating red flag is that apparently the mother was present on the trip, which gives the indication that paying services to strippers and prostitutes is something normal and accepted in the family. I'm not judging and to each his own, but if it's something normal and common in his family, then he might not see sex with prostitutes as a big deal. But if she sees it as a big deal/deal breaker, then they're not compatible as a couple.

" a man who goes to a brothel with his father to get blow jobs. Another aggravating red flag is that apparently the mother was present on the trip,"

I cannot imagine. This goes waaaaaaaaay beyond acceptable. The mother couldn't have known, or there must be something seriously wrong with her.

OP, why did you get involved with all of these screwballs?