No longer wears rings

Hi. My fiancé is no longer wearing her engagement ring. She said she took all her jewelry off at work as she was cleaning the office but it’s never gone back on.

She used to freak out if she forgot to put her watch on and if she forgot to put her engagement ring on she would panic thinking she lost it and was anxious until we got home.

Tonight we were at dinner and I noticed she still wasn’t wearing it so I asked. She said they were in her wallet which was less than 2 inches away. She still didn’t put it on. I left it and mentioned something when we got home and she got defensive saying she can’t believe that I actually said something, she doesn’t have to wear it all the time (which I understand she doesn’t have to all the time), that she’s now used to not wearing it and told me to get over it. I sat there shocked. She made no attempt to put it on. Still in her wallet allegedly. I haven’t checked, not that type of person to snoop.

It’s literally been a complete 180 in a matter of a couple of weeks.

Am I overthinking this or should I genuinely be worried?

Thanks!

What else is happening in your relationship?

Also, I recommend trying a more honest and more direct style of thinking / communicating. Keep the focus on what's going on with you, in contrast to shining a light on her. Example:

"I notice you're not wearing your ring. I don't mean to be silly, i know its just jewelry. But its kind of special too and I miss seeing it on your hand." Or - better - simply "I miss seeing your ring on your finger." You, talking about you without implying or judging anything about her choices.

Did she lose it? Many women do not wear expensive jewelry everyday, they wear it when they go out. Try to relax and be ok with her wearing it out but not for work or everyday tasks. Do you feel it's a statement about the relationship or fear of losing it?

My MIL only wears hers when she goes out, ie leaves their house. Me , I never take mine off. I am a woman who loves jewelry though. Maybe she lost it and is afraid to say? I lost my original engagement ring and I was devastated. I took it off maybe a handful of times. The last time I took it off and placed it on the table was the last I saw it. 🤦♀️😞

Hm, I've never been engaged, but it also seems like a warning sign to me. If she didn't cop an attitude with you, I would have said maybe you should relax, but now I'm wondering if the two of you are having other problems that you didn't mention.

Do you wear an engagement ring? I'm guessing not but am open to being wrong.

I can mildly appreciate if she were going off on how much she wanted one, you put some decent money into one, and now she's not wearing it. But at the end of the day, if she doesn't want to wear or worry about it, she doesn't want to.

Personally, I wouldn't bat an eye if that relatively new tradition died. Men shouldn't feel obligated to buy one. Women shouldn't feel obligated to wear it (nor should he feel she be). I've seen enough sleazy people with rings and enough participants willing to ignore it to put too much stock in it speaking any louder than someone's character. Though not meant as a knock to couples who are on the same page about it. I bought my wife an engagement ring, but I also didn't spend any amount I might resent her for if she'd rather let it collect dust.

Focus much more on the quality otherwise rather than nagging her about it.

Generally speaking, people do not drastically change their behaviors without reason.

It's possible that she lost it and is too embarrassed or simply afraid to tell you. It's possible something else is going on.

Basically, if it's just something simple like she decided that jewelry is uncomfortable to wear when she is working or whatever, she could calmly explain to you her reasoning and change of heart. The fact that she is getting defensive and touchy about it is actually a red flag. What's behind that red flag, only she knows. I mean you should be able to ask your SO about a change in their habits and get a reasonable response. It's called communication within relationship.

The fact that she is getting defensive and touchy about it is actually a red flag. What's behind that red flag, only she knows. I mean you should be able to ask your SO about a change in their habits and get a reasonable response. It's called communication within relationship.

^^^ THIS. I'm less concerned over the fact that she isn't wearing it and more about WHY the change in behavior and why isn't she TELLING you why????

Not every woman likes to wear jewelry or stand by traditions and that's totally their choice. However, the change in behavior is weird- why she would be wearing it and then suddenly not for no apparent reason? I think the fact that she's being SO defensive about it is alarming.

She could easily and calmly say that she has decided she doesn't want to wear it indefinitely and you don't need to worry, but she hasn't. Equally worrisome is the fact that you are clearly expressing that it is bothering you and she doesn't seem much to care about quelling you fears or saying " if it means that much to you, I'll wear it"- which, IMVHO, she should. Big or small, if something bothers your fiance- you should take care to be mindful of their feelings and accommodate them if you can. In a marriage, this is what a true partnership is- being able to compromise and discuss when something bothers you and with the other person trying to if not "appease you" (putting the ring back on) then at least try and explain and quell your concerns ("You know I love you and I am your fiance, you don't have to worry. I am just more comfortable not wearing the jewelry")

If I were you, I'd be concerned. A woman doesn't suddenly go from wearing an engagement ring to not for no reason. And if there is a reason, there is ZERO reason that she cannot give you a clear and calm explanation without getting defensive. If she had never worn it to begin with, I might give different advice. All I will say, is that my ex-husband went from wearing his wedding ring to not and was never terribly concerned about putting it back on- There was a reason.

You need to sit down with her and calmly ask why she has decided not to wear her ring and that it would mean a lot to you if she did.

She should either put it back on OR at LEAST have a calm and clear explanation at this point. (BTW, just angrily saying a "Lot of women don't wear rings") is not specific as to why she was wearing it and hasn't put it back on. If she gets angry again, you should be hearing severe alarm bells and potentially ask if she wants to remain engaged or if she is having doubts.

I would be concerned too not because of the lack of interest in wearing it but because of the 180 in attitude

She may have lost it

She may hate the way it looks and wants a different ring but doesn't know how to bring it up

She may be rethinking her YES to your proposal and is hoping not wearing the ring will trigger a big enough argument to give her an out

No matter the reason you need to decide something right now before you sit down calmly and talk to her about your concerns. Are you okay with your wife not wearing a ring? Once you decide that then you know where you stand and it is time to talk with her.

Wait until things are calm and then start by asking a question. "I am really concerned about your complete 180 on wearing your engagement ring, don't you like it?" "Are you having second thoughts?" and then see what she says.

I am also interested in if you plan on wearing a ring daily once married. Men do not wear engagement rings so you wouldn't be wearing one now but do you plan on it once married?

Lost

She shouldn't have to qualify why she's not wearing the ring. Again, if you've got other causes for concern which are actually attributable, address them. And even as to whether I'd fault her for getting on the defensive after you've brought it up multiple times in an evening, it'd depend on what your definition of "mentioning it" is. If you want to see it as a red flag, then see it as a red flag. But frankly, you did your part buying it. I'd wipe my hands and be alright with the fact she's gonna do what she's gonna do with it. If she lost it or doesn't like it but has made the value judgment she'd rather the finger go bare until the wedding rather than put you in a position you'd feel compelled to buy her another or feel bad for your choice, that's her prerogative. Just as it would be if she discovered it simply feels great not having or worrying about the gem and setting banging on things.

At the end of the day, you got her answer. I suspect the context which would stipulate how significant it was or wasn't is not present in the original post.

Hi all, thank you for your advice. Greatly appreciated.

Usually we communicate really well and Things have been going great in the bedroom and generally or so I thought. She always talks to me about everything until this.

I don’t mind if she doesn’t wear it, it was the complete 180 and getting defensive which worries me. We didn’t fight about it, I just said “you used to love wearing it and would freak out if it wasn’t on your finger so I’m just confused as to why you don’t wear it anymore”. She used to be so proud wearing it and would wear it everywhere including swimming etc and we’ve been engaged for 6 months now. I 100% can’t wait to wear my wedding ring.

If she said “my fingers have been swollen lately” or something I would have accepted that and moved on. It was the defensive part that got me.

I’m not red flagging the relationship or anything, just trying to make sense of it.

Thanks again everyone

the 180 is very concerning.

that she refuses to wear the sumbol of what you two have wanted together - is also very concerning.

I would ask her, out of curiosity, why she has chosen to not wear the ring - and that maybe if she'd rather not wear the ring it's better to leave it at home in a safe place instead of taking it out with her and possibly get it lost. Then see how she reacts. Anything attitude or defensive - is a horrible sign to this "curiosity" and "to keep it safe" approach. If she has a reasonable explanation - then you have your answer as well.

don't be combative or do it in a way that "questions why she's not wearing it" - but is more inquisitive and "make it easier for her to not worry about it" by keeping it safe at home instead.

i'm goin to guess she's goin to get defensive which means something is going on and you will need to ask her what's going on.... "you seem unhappy with the idea of our engagement now.. you seem to be putting distance between that idea now.. is everything okay? are you not happy? what is making you unhappy and how do we fix it?" etc.

Patterns generally define us, so sudden deviations may be indicative of disequilibrium (to put it gently). You should try to give her credit and inquire about the change, maybe she is extremely anxious about wearing/losing it and finds it overwhelming. But if discussing it induces tension, be concerned for secondary reasons.

Tonight we were at dinner and I noticed she still wasn’t wearing it so I asked. She said they were in her wallet which was less than 2 inches away. She still didn’t put it on.

To me this screams out that she lost her ring. Any normal person, with nothing to hide, would have immediately taken it out of their wallet and put their ring on, imo. If she continues to come up with a thousand reasons/excuses ... well, my vote goes for she lost her ring and doesn't know how to tell you. Little does she realise that by not saying anything she just makes things a lot worse.

Hi all, thank you for your advice. Greatly appreciated.

 

Usually we communicate really well and Things have been going great in the bedroom and generally or so I thought. She always talks to me about everything until this.

 

I don’t mind if she doesn’t wear it, it was the complete 180 and getting defensive which worries me. We didn’t fight about it, I just said “you used to love wearing it and would freak out if it wasn’t on your finger so I’m just confused as to why you don’t wear it anymore”. She used to be so proud wearing it and would wear it everywhere including swimming etc and we’ve been engaged for 6 months now. I 100% can’t wait to wear my wedding ring.

 

If she said “my fingers have been swollen lately” or something I would have accepted that and moved on. It was the defensive part that got me.

 

I’m not red flagging the relationship or anything, just trying to make sense of it.

 

Thanks again everyone

oh.

my vote goes to lost, and she is mortified and ashamed of herself

I am betting that she lost it and is too embarrassed to admit it.