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Thread: Broke up after taking for granted

  1. #1
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    Broke up after taking for granted

    My gf and I split after 2 weeks of ongoing arguments during which I really persisted to have a conversation, but she didnít want to and was just texting me back every so often. She said she is broken, because I have been super rough with her (I wanted her to achieve things that she was expressing desire for but ended up pushing her too hard and things got out of control to the point where I wasnít enough gentle to her). She had lost trust in me and thinks I will go back to being rough but in reality I just wanted whatís best for her all along. I realized now that I need to have a different approach because it seems like I was trying to crush her, when I really wasnít deep down. We also had an issue where my ex would text me every so often, and I engaged in convos with the ex because she was going through a lot (cancer treatments and stuff) but my gf didnít know as I didnít want her to worry, so now she lost trust in me because I didnít tell her about it as if I was hiding stuff. I was only trying to do the right thing for everyone and ended up on NC for a week now. My gf was super pissed when we broke up over the phone (I had just moved to a different country where she was supposed to follow me in a month but then she said she wonít come ďto thatĒ)...I really want us to work out because we love each other, she is just insanely mad at me as she was bottling up her emotions for a few months and now exploded and said sheís broken...I am hoping for the best after some time passes. Any thoughts?

  2. #2
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    What do you mean exactly when you say you were rough on her? What were the things you were pushing too hard for, and how so?

    I can see why she's uncomfortable with you texting your ex. You should have been transparent and at least let her know you were in touch, and explained the circumstances. Had you been honest from the beginning about it, it would likely not have struck your girlfriend as so shady.

    I don't know if this will be salvagable especially now that you're living elsewhere. If your ex isn't in an emotional place where she wants to talk to you and try to work it out, there isn't much you can do.

  3. #3
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    Well She always wanted to move where I am now (and itís far away), so she was supposed to come here and I did it for her.
    She gained weight so I pushed her to try and lose it because she wanted to...but then I went hard on her because she really liked going to the gym with me, just rarely went on her own for example. So I was scolding her to go alone sometimes. Then she hates her job and is only doing it to help her dad who runs the small business. She wanted to move here to pursue her dream but always wanted to do everything in tandem, all I wanted was for her to do something for herself and not just follow my lead. But I was kinda mean when I conveyed that, instead of nicely explaining what my expectations were. So she ended up thinking I donít even want her here because I told her I wanted her to file for her own visa (only because she was always babied by her dad and I wanted her to mature a bit). Boy I was wrong with that approach, even tho she appreciated a lot of times being pushed, sometimes I went military on her but she never drew the lines so I was taking it too far...until one day the bottled up emotions exploded. So now I am here where we were supposed to be, with her just leaving to go back and finish everything so she can move, but instead we started arguing a week after she left. Now Every place I go to reminds me of her

  4. #4
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    She knew we were in touch months ago, just never really cut ties completely because I felt bad adding extra stress on someone undergoing such a horrible thing.

    At this point all I can do is believe in miracles and hope she finds enough love in her heart for forgiveness and reconciliation.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Earnest
    She gained weight so I pushed her to try and lose it because she wanted to...but then I went hard on her because she really liked going to the gym with me, just rarely went on her own for example. So I was scolding her to go alone sometimes. Then she hates her job and is only doing it to help her dad who runs the small business. She wanted to move here to pursue her dream but always wanted to do everything in tandem, all I wanted was for her to do something for herself and not just follow my lead. But I was kinda mean when I conveyed that, instead of nicely explaining what my expectations were. So she ended up thinking I donít even want her here because I told her I wanted her to file for her own visa (only because she was always babied by her dad and I wanted her to mature a bit). Boy I was wrong with that approach, even tho she appreciated a lot of times being pushed, sometimes I went military on her but she never drew the lines so I was taking it too far...until one day the bottled up emotions exploded. So now I am here where we were supposed to be, with her just leaving to go back and finish everything so she can move, but instead we started arguing a week after she left. Now Every place I go to reminds me of her
    You realize this sounds much more like a parent-child dynamic than a boyfriend-girlfriend one, no?

    I realize you wanted more for her, and you probably have valid points about wanting to see positive changes in her, but this type of behaviour doesn't belong in a healthy relationship. Scolding, being mean, going "military" - nope. It would leave me wondering who the heck you think you are, exactly. You're not her dad, but you were behaving like she was a child and not your equal partner. If she is immature, there are ways to approach this without being condescending or demeaning.

    Can you clarify with some example of things you said or did?

  7. #6
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Earnest
    Well She always wanted to move where I am now (and itís far away), so she was supposed to come here and I did it for her.
    She gained weight so I pushed her to try and lose it because she wanted to...but then I went hard on her because she really liked going to the gym with me, just rarely went on her own for example. So I was scolding her to go alone sometimes. Then she hates her job and is only doing it to help her dad who runs the small business. She wanted to move here to pursue her dream but always wanted to do everything in tandem, all I wanted was for her to do something for herself and not just follow my lead. But I was kinda mean when I conveyed that, instead of nicely explaining what my expectations were. So she ended up thinking I donít even want her here because I told her I wanted her to file for her own visa (only because she was always babied by her dad and I wanted her to mature a bit). Boy I was wrong with that approach, even tho she appreciated a lot of times being pushed, sometimes I went military on her but she never drew the lines so I was taking it too far...until one day the bottled up emotions exploded. So now I am here where we were supposed to be, with her just leaving to go back and finish everything so she can move, but instead we started arguing a week after she left. Now Every place I go to reminds me of her
    You sound incredibly controlling and I don't think there's any chance of her coming back (understandably so, imo). I think the damage is done and it may a good idea for you to seek professional counselling/therapy to help you with your control issues. Best thing to do is let her go and learn from this.

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    I agree, at times I felt like I was trying to teach her lessons like I was her father, but learned now itís not my role. It was just out of good intentions to make her grow as a person.

    I was never physically abusing her or anything of that sort, I would just get mad at her for stupid things like if she didnít do something good enough.

    I was in a bad place regarding job and stuff so I was taking things out on her sometimes.

    I wasnít controlling she always had the freedom to go anywhere and do whatever...I had just set expectations super high for everything she did because I knew she was capable but I didnít support her the right way but was telling her to ďmove itĒ or something like that. She is super gentle and I was being a and I feel super bad now. Itís not just bad stuff obviously, I did a lot of nice things for her too...

    Question is, she really loves me still but now needs time to heal because she is broken (her own words), do you think we still stand a chance?

  9. #8
    Gold Member East4's Avatar
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    Question is, she really loves me still but now needs time to heal because she is broken (her own words), do you think we still stand a chance?
    The right question is what you are going to do to change your unacceptable behavior. For her, or for the next woman you will be dating, and in general for the other people you come in contact with.

    The question that you asked very much shows selfishness, because all you care about is getting back to the relationship, that worked for you, but was hell for her. I do not see anywhere in your question a concern about your ex girlfriend and about how sad and disrespected she must have felt, because of your bad treatment of her. Are you able to care for anybody else, but yourself?
    Thanks in advance for answering my question.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It may be best to part ways.
    Originally Posted by Earnest
    I was kinda mean

  11. #10
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    In what ways do you feel you were "taken for granted"?

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