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Broke up after taking for granted


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My gf and I split after 2 weeks of ongoing arguments during which I really persisted to have a conversation, but she didn’t want to and was just texting me back every so often. She said she is broken, because I have been super rough with her (I wanted her to achieve things that she was expressing desire for but ended up pushing her too hard and things got out of control to the point where I wasn’t enough gentle to her). She had lost trust in me and thinks I will go back to being rough but in reality I just wanted what’s best for her all along. I realized now that I need to have a different approach because it seems like I was trying to crush her, when I really wasn’t deep down. We also had an issue where my ex would text me every so often, and I engaged in convos with the ex because she was going through a lot (cancer treatments and stuff) but my gf didn’t know as I didn’t want her to worry, so now she lost trust in me because I didn’t tell her about it as if I was hiding stuff. I was only trying to do the right thing for everyone and ended up on NC for a week now. My gf was super pissed when we broke up over the phone (I had just moved to a different country where she was supposed to follow me in a month but then she said she won’t come “to that”)...I really want us to work out because we love each other, she is just insanely mad at me as she was bottling up her emotions for a few months and now exploded and said she’s broken...I am hoping for the best after some time passes. Any thoughts?

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What do you mean exactly when you say you were rough on her? What were the things you were pushing too hard for, and how so?

 

I can see why she's uncomfortable with you texting your ex. You should have been transparent and at least let her know you were in touch, and explained the circumstances. Had you been honest from the beginning about it, it would likely not have struck your girlfriend as so shady.

 

I don't know if this will be salvagable especially now that you're living elsewhere. If your ex isn't in an emotional place where she wants to talk to you and try to work it out, there isn't much you can do.

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Well She always wanted to move where I am now (and it’s far away), so she was supposed to come here and I did it for her.

She gained weight so I pushed her to try and lose it because she wanted to...but then I went hard on her because she really liked going to the gym with me, just rarely went on her own for example. So I was scolding her to go alone sometimes. Then she hates her job and is only doing it to help her dad who runs the small business. She wanted to move here to pursue her dream but always wanted to do everything in tandem, all I wanted was for her to do something for herself and not just follow my lead. But I was kinda mean when I conveyed that, instead of nicely explaining what my expectations were. So she ended up thinking I don’t even want her here because I told her I wanted her to file for her own visa (only because she was always babied by her dad and I wanted her to mature a bit). Boy I was wrong with that approach, even tho she appreciated a lot of times being pushed, sometimes I went military on her but she never drew the lines so I was taking it too far...until one day the bottled up emotions exploded. So now I am here where we were supposed to be, with her just leaving to go back and finish everything so she can move, but instead we started arguing a week after she left. Now Every place I go to reminds me of her

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She knew we were in touch months ago, just never really cut ties completely because I felt bad adding extra stress on someone undergoing such a horrible thing.

 

At this point all I can do is believe in miracles and hope she finds enough love in her heart for forgiveness and reconciliation.

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She gained weight so I pushed her to try and lose it because she wanted to...but then I went hard on her because she really liked going to the gym with me, just rarely went on her own for example. So I was scolding her to go alone sometimes. Then she hates her job and is only doing it to help her dad who runs the small business. She wanted to move here to pursue her dream but always wanted to do everything in tandem, all I wanted was for her to do something for herself and not just follow my lead. But I was kinda mean when I conveyed that, instead of nicely explaining what my expectations were. So she ended up thinking I don’t even want her here because I told her I wanted her to file for her own visa (only because she was always babied by her dad and I wanted her to mature a bit). Boy I was wrong with that approach, even tho she appreciated a lot of times being pushed, sometimes I went military on her but she never drew the lines so I was taking it too far...until one day the bottled up emotions exploded. So now I am here where we were supposed to be, with her just leaving to go back and finish everything so she can move, but instead we started arguing a week after she left. Now Every place I go to reminds me of her

 

You realize this sounds much more like a parent-child dynamic than a boyfriend-girlfriend one, no?

 

I realize you wanted more for her, and you probably have valid points about wanting to see positive changes in her, but this type of behaviour doesn't belong in a healthy relationship. Scolding, being mean, going "military" - nope. It would leave me wondering who the heck you think you are, exactly. You're not her dad, but you were behaving like she was a child and not your equal partner. If she is immature, there are ways to approach this without being condescending or demeaning.

 

Can you clarify with some example of things you said or did?

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Well She always wanted to move where I am now (and it’s far away), so she was supposed to come here and I did it for her.

She gained weight so I pushed her to try and lose it because she wanted to...but then I went hard on her because she really liked going to the gym with me, just rarely went on her own for example. So I was scolding her to go alone sometimes. Then she hates her job and is only doing it to help her dad who runs the small business. She wanted to move here to pursue her dream but always wanted to do everything in tandem, all I wanted was for her to do something for herself and not just follow my lead. But I was kinda mean when I conveyed that, instead of nicely explaining what my expectations were. So she ended up thinking I don’t even want her here because I told her I wanted her to file for her own visa (only because she was always babied by her dad and I wanted her to mature a bit). Boy I was wrong with that approach, even tho she appreciated a lot of times being pushed, sometimes I went military on her but she never drew the lines so I was taking it too far...until one day the bottled up emotions exploded. So now I am here where we were supposed to be, with her just leaving to go back and finish everything so she can move, but instead we started arguing a week after she left. Now Every place I go to reminds me of her

 

You sound incredibly controlling and I don't think there's any chance of her coming back (understandably so, imo). I think the damage is done and it may a good idea for you to seek professional counselling/therapy to help you with your control issues. Best thing to do is let her go and learn from this.

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I agree, at times I felt like I was trying to teach her lessons like I was her father, but learned now it’s not my role. It was just out of good intentions to make her grow as a person.

 

I was never physically abusing her or anything of that sort, I would just get mad at her for stupid things like if she didn’t do something good enough.

 

I was in a bad place regarding job and stuff so I was taking things out on her sometimes.

 

I wasn’t controlling she always had the freedom to go anywhere and do whatever...I had just set expectations super high for everything she did because I knew she was capable but I didn’t support her the right way but was telling her to “move it” or something like that. She is super gentle and I was being a and I feel super bad now. It’s not just bad stuff obviously, I did a lot of nice things for her too...

 

Question is, she really loves me still but now needs time to heal because she is broken (her own words), do you think we still stand a chance?

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Question is, she really loves me still but now needs time to heal because she is broken (her own words), do you think we still stand a chance?

 

The right question is what you are going to do to change your unacceptable behavior. For her, or for the next woman you will be dating, and in general for the other people you come in contact with.

 

The question that you asked very much shows selfishness, because all you care about is getting back to the relationship, that worked for you, but was hell for her. I do not see anywhere in your question a concern about your ex girlfriend and about how sad and disrespected she must have felt, because of your bad treatment of her. Are you able to care for anybody else, but yourself?

Thanks in advance for answering my question.

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You aggressively pushed her to lose weight, grow as a person, change jobs, `get mad at her for stupid things she did' AND continued to chat with an ex girlfriend.

Tell me, is there anything you like about your now ex girlfriend because you set out on a misguided campaign to basically mold and change her.

 

In turn the message she is getting is she is not attractive enough, good enough, smart enough and though speaking with ex's isn't always bad thing, the timing of all of this couldn't be any worse and because you hid it from her, she doesn't trust you.

 

I am not surprised she broke up with you. Matter of fact I am sad for her that she tolerated any of this. All the above is a clear cut death knell to any relationship.

 

That kindest thing to do right now is to leave her be so she can get her balance back, learn to love herself again and find someone who appreciates her exactly the way she is.

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The right question is what you are going to do to change your unacceptable behavior. For her, or for the next woman you will be dating, and in general for the other people you come in contact with.

 

The question that you asked very much shows selfishness, because all you care about is getting back to the relationship, that worked for you, but was hell for her. I do not see anywhere in your question a concern about your ex girlfriend and about how sad and disrespected she must have felt, because of your bad treatment of her. Are you able to care for anybody else, but yourself?

Thanks in advance for answering my question.

 

 

Of course I am willing to change. First time she said she’s uncomfortable with all of that, I journaled everything to see what mistakes I’ve made and how to improve them. Already started implementing it before the break up, but she said “now you’re doing this and not when I was loving”. I just had no idea she was in so much pain. I have changed drastically and really want to show her that I can treat her like a queen, if I’m doing well or not. I realized how much she means to me when all of this happened and saw that the problem wasn’t her, it was me. That’s why I said “took for granted”, because we were actually talking about staying together forever, which lead to me thinking she’d stay no matter what

, especially because we have been through a lot together (not in against each other way). But one day she just had enough and I was (have been) in shock. I feel like we can still talk things out and I want to show her with actions not just talk how I’ve changed.

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The other you is all she knows.

Controlling is a symptom of something larger. Just to instantly say you won't control from this moment forward isn't good enough.

You need to figure what motivated you to begin with and fix that.

 

Basically she doesn't trust you and doesn't want any more of the same.

She associates you with something negative now. It's close to impossible to undo that, especially from another country away.

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She'd stay no matter what?

 

There is what is wrong with your thinking. You have some deluded idea that if she REALLY loved you she would put up with your awful abuse.

 

If YOU really loved HER you wouldn't have abused her.

 

Yes, you did. You abused her. You didn't say you hit her but you treated her so poorly and acted like she was never good enough for you.

 

That, sir, is abuse.

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First things first; none of these were my wishes. She wanted to lose weight (I never thought of her as unattractive), she wasn’t happy with her job (I wanted her to take action), she wanted to move etc. None of this was for my own benefit, I wanted only the best things for her because those were HER wishes. She always said how she used to feel better, have that spark etc and was trying to figure out how to get it back...and that is the only reason I pushed her to go after her dream. You guys make it seem like I just sat there and commanded my wishes upon her, when that’s not even true.

 

I do REALLY love her and wanted only good things for her, I did plenty of good things but coming on here with issues only I’m being portrayed as some psycho...matter fact I am speaking to a therapist who agreed on many of the points I was trying to do, I just took a wrong approach. The girl was a former professional athlete, so I treated her like one in our personal life, instead of supporting her gently. I am also a sports coach, so unfortunately the dynamic moved to our personal relationship. In many cases she appreciated being held accountable and stuff, but now I realized I shouldn’t have taken that role in the first place. I should have just supported her in all cases (which I thought I was doing), but sometimes took it too far if I got frustrated (she was saying she wanted to do something and then didn’t feel like it, admittedly being lazy).

 

I would stay “no matter what”, because I want to work out all the problems that I have in the relationship and not walk away when things get tough...I’m not saying I blame her, she’s been through a lot, I’m just disappointed because we never talked things out as we went, and now we have this major pile of problems that resulted in us not currently talking (I gave her time to heal). A lot of times she giggled and shrugged it off when I told her something so there was no way of knowing per se that it was such a big problem. Bottom line, I wanted to create spark in her and not make her implode, for her own good, I had no benefit in her doing any of these things....I was trying to be the catalyst for change in her but realized (maybe too late) that it’s not my job at all. But we were really as one this whole time and have so much in common, we have exactly the same interests which makes this so much harder because there is not many activities that I’d do that we didn’t do together.

 

Thanks for everyone’s input.

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at times I felt like I was trying to teach her lessons ... It was just out of good intentions to make her grow as a person.

 

I would just get mad at her for stupid things like if she didn’t do something good enough.

I was in a bad place regarding job and stuff so I was taking things out on her sometimes.

 

.I had just set expectations super high for everything she did .....was telling her to “move it”

If the above is not controlling and abusive behaviour, then I don't know what is. Hardly surprising why she broke up with you. Hopefully she has the sense to move forward and find someone who treats her well and respects her. She would do well never to return because, to put it bluntly, a leopard doesn't change its spots. You showed her the TRUE you. This is your normal mind-set. People don't change so quickly and you claiming you have "changed", well, I don't buy it and neither should she. Change, real change, can take years.

 

You need professional help/therapy and stay for as long as it takes - even if years. You need to learn to fully understand WHY you behave this way before being in any relationship. Get help.

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If the above is not controlling and abusive behaviour, then I don't know what is. Hardly surprising why she broke up with you. Hopefully she has the sense to move forward and find someone who treats her well and respects her. She would do well never to return because, to put it bluntly, a leopard doesn't change its spots. You showed her the TRUE you. This is your normal mind-set. People don't change so quickly and you claiming you have "changed", well, I don't buy it and neither should she. Change, real change, can take years.

 

You need professional help/therapy and stay for as long as it takes - even if years. You need to learn to fully understand WHY you behave this way before being in any relationship. Get help.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I disagree with you as this was not my normal self. You would have to know more about both of us to pass such judgments.

 

I had given up my dream for her in the past and in a way never got over it, so subconsciously I blamed her for what had happened. That’s where the problems began as I went into this relationship too quickly, loving her but at the same time not being ready. Few months down the road, adding different problems at work and other aspects of my life, you can only imagine how frustrated I was with my self (she was also in a bad position mentally not because of me), but we still traveled and had a lot of fun but deep down I was suffering because I wanted to change my circumstances. So the first thing that suffers is the person who is closest to you and knows everything about you because we both trusted e/o. I was loving to her in the grand scheme of things, but really couldn’t get over some things that had happened to me, so I got angry at her for smallest things when in fact it wasn’t her the whole time. Now I have utmost regret which I struggle to get over with because I acted out from pure stupidity.

 

Of course I want nothing but the best for her, even if that means letting her go...I just wish things were different.

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First things first; none of these were my wishes. She wanted to lose weight (I never thought of her as unattractive), she wasn’t happy with her job (I wanted her to take action), she wanted to move etc. None of this was for my own benefit, I wanted only the best things for her because those were HER wishes. She always said how she used to feel better, have that spark etc and was trying to figure out how to get it back...and that is the only reason I pushed her to go after her dream. You guys make it seem like I just sat there and commanded my wishes upon her, when that’s not even true.

 

I do REALLY love her and wanted only good things for her, I did plenty of good things but coming on here with issues only I’m being portrayed as some psycho...matter fact I am speaking to a therapist who agreed on many of the points I was trying to do, I just took a wrong approach. The girl was a former professional athlete, so I treated her like one in our personal life, instead of supporting her gently. I am also a sports coach, so unfortunately the dynamic moved to our personal relationship. In many cases she appreciated being held accountable and stuff, but now I realized I shouldn’t have taken that role in the first place. I should have just supported her in all cases (which I thought I was doing), but sometimes took it too far if I got frustrated (she was saying she wanted to do something and then didn’t feel like it, admittedly being lazy).

 

I would stay “no matter what”, because I want to work out all the problems that I have in the relationship and not walk away when things get tough...I’m not saying I blame her, she’s been through a lot, I’m just disappointed because we never talked things out as we went, and now we have this major pile of problems that resulted in us not currently talking (I gave her time to heal). A lot of times she giggled and shrugged it off when I told her something so there was no way of knowing per se that it was such a big problem. Bottom line, I wanted to create spark in her and not make her implode, for her own good, I had no benefit in her doing any of these things....I was trying to be the catalyst for change in her but realized (maybe too late) that it’s not my job at all. But we were really as one this whole time and have so much in common, we have exactly the same interests which makes this so much harder because there is not many activities that I’d do that we didn’t do together.

 

Thanks for everyone’s input.

 

In your own words, you said you were "rough." Enough so, that it hurt her greatly and she wants her distance.. This is abuse

 

The bottom line, you are not compatible.

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Abusers blame everyone and everything but themselves for their abusive behavior.

 

Many people have to deal with disappointments in their lives and they don't resort to abusing their loved ones. The fact that you are still blaming and deflecting proves you think you haven't REALLY done anything wrong.

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Been there and still am. I know exactly how you feel.

 

Screwing something up and regretting it. Ultimately you got to be better and move on.

 

It’s harder to get over it when you know you’ve been wrong to a person like this.

 

Prepare for a long hard road full of confusion. Go read some of my past post of you want.

 

Carry these feelings with you. I think over time you’ll forgive yourself. It’s a hard lesson that you had to learn and some day maybe we will both appreciate it. In some ways I already do.

 

Feel your emotions and know that what your feeling about your ex may or may not be the truth. If you treated her bad then her all her actions may be justified but that won’t necessarily fix how you feel. Apologize and that’s it, move on.

 

Do not drag it out. Once it’s done man it’s usually done. Almost 100% of the time for our cases. I hate that it took me a month an a half to realize that.

 

I miss my ex almost every minute of the day but it’s gotten a lot easier. I know I’ll find someone else someday who I can be a better man to. When someone cared about you so deeply then shuts you out like you don’t matter and it’s because of how you treated them it really reaaaalllyyyy sucks.

 

I thought I was justified in my treatment of others because of a sense of entitlement. Almost like I know what’s best and you don’t.

Own up to it and cry your eyes out. Maybe she never stood up to you but that’s no excuse in treating someone bad.

 

What can you do about it? Nothing. Be a better person. For me is all about positivity and forgiving as best as I can myself and her.

 

You can’t control her emotions or her opinion about you.

 

If you are young then maybe you didn’t know any better because of deeper issues. Do some soul searching figure out what you really want in your life and how you want to treat others.

 

You have a clean slate to start out with. Make the best of it. Don’t be so hard on yourself for it.

 

Many people on this website have been extremely harsh in there opinions of me(a lot I respect and some I don’t) and others more understanding and caring. Remember the man you will be after this and make sure you don’t go back to your previous actions.

 

For me imaging the stress I put on my ex during situations/arguments really made me question my ability to be a truly strong man and not just a controlling one. The whole alpha mentality really can make us see how we treat people as acceptable but in reality we are just controlling people because we see our opinions as over there’s. I thought I was just strong and a little bit of a d””ck. Boyo after she left me it was like a tsunami of truth hitting me over and over.

 

A little change can do wonders. Never look for the opinion you want. Look for the truth and the one you need. At times some people on this website genuinely piss me off almost like they’re insulting me but at the same time open my eyes and make me question my thoughts.

 

Questioning my actions and emotions as right/wrong is a skill I think we especially as people who have screwed up relationships the way we have need to learn and have forever. My therapist and people on here have helped me learn it. At times it’ll bring out very deep depression in me. It’s all a journey tho right it’ll get easier.

 

Also keep in mind this a very sensitive subject with many people on this site going/gone through this but on the opposite side of the relationship as the abuse victim. A lot emotions involved from many people. Some I suspect use a bit of that emotions from it to really lay into us.

 

I jump around a lot when I type. Sorry about that.

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Question is, she really loves me still but now needs time to heal because she is broken (her own words), do you think we still stand a chance?

 

Probably not, if I'm being frank, and especially not if she happens to meet a guy who respects her and treats her well. She associates you with negative feelings at this point, and if you're already living far away and won't see her again any time soon, there is little you can do to rectify that. She had made a pretty big decision not to move to you; that should tell you a lot. This wasn't a spontaneous break-up, on her end. She's thought about it.

 

With time and space apart, she is more likely to realize you two are better off as exes. I speak from personal experience. One of my exes could be quite the bully, too. I finally ended it, and discovered how much lighter I felt without him in my life. Sure, we had our nice memories together too and he wasn't a totally horrible man. But that did not override the disrespect and arrogance he displayed. After a few months, I met the man who is now my partner of over 4 years. I never regretted ending it with my ex, and I am that much more grateful that I did. That break-up freed myself up to meet a man who is ultimately a much better match for me and wouldn't dream of speaking to me the way my ex did. That kind of aggression and roughness just isn't part of who he is.

 

Look at this as an opportunity to change for you. Your ex may come back, or this may be the end for good. In either case, you need to set about learning how to communicate maturely and not in a way that demeans your partner and diminishes their equal position in a relationship. I'm not sure where you picked up such an over-bearing and domineering approach, but it does need to change. It will destroy future relationships too, so it's worth addressing it now.

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Probably not, if I'm being frank, and especially not if she happens to meet a guy who respects her and treats her well. She associates you with negative feelings at this point, and if you're already living far away and won't see her again any time soon, there is little you can do to rectify that. She had made a pretty big decision not to move to you; that should tell you a lot. This wasn't a spontaneous break-up, on her end. She's thought about it.

 

With time and space apart, she is more likely to realize you two are better off as exes. I speak from personal experience. One of my exes could be quite the bully, too. I finally ended it, and discovered how much lighter I felt without him in my life. Sure, we had our nice memories together too and he wasn't a totally horrible man. But that did not override the disrespect and arrogance he displayed. After a few months, I met the man who is now my partner of over 4 years. I never regretted ending it with my ex, and I am that much more grateful that I did. That break-up freed myself up to meet a man who is ultimately a much better match for me and wouldn't dream of speaking to me the way my ex did. That kind of aggression and roughness just isn't part of who he is.

 

Look at this as an opportunity to change for you. Your ex may come back, or this may be the end for good. In either case, you need to set about learning how to communicate maturely and not in a way that demeans your partner and diminishes their equal position in a relationship. I'm not sure where you picked up such an over-bearing and domineering approach, but it does need to change. It will destroy future relationships too, so it's worth addressing it now.

 

@earnest this is the cold hard truth that you must hear. My ex said to me what @misscanuck has said to you. Hurts even today.

 

I know it’s going to hurt you probably way more. You need to know this tho. Do yourself and her a favor and let her be and work on yourself. Start the process of moving on.

 

She has gave you the best advice anyone can give you in this situation. Ignorance is bliss especially when it comes to her potentially seeing someone in the future.

 

I think in your gut you know the answer wether she’ll come back or not. Give her space and never contact her again unless she contacts you. You owe her that if you did treat her bad and you need to come clean about it to yourself if you did.

 

Respect her choice. Respect yourself.

“in a perfect world we don’t lose the ones who help us grow and teach us”. A very wise man on here told me that.

 

I can’t blame my ex for all of this. I was bad. I hope you weren’t as bad as me...

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