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Thread: Broke up after taking for granted

  1. #21
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    Abusers blame everyone and everything but themselves for their abusive behavior.

    Many people have to deal with disappointments in their lives and they don't resort to abusing their loved ones. The fact that you are still blaming and deflecting proves you think you haven't REALLY done anything wrong.

  2. #22
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    Who am I blaming other than myself? I started this thread because I did her wrong and realized it. Thanks to you, Iíll never resort to that again and just deal with it on my own.

  3. #23
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    Been there and still am. I know exactly how you feel.

    Screwing something up and regretting it. Ultimately you got to be better and move on.

    Itís harder to get over it when you know youíve been wrong to a person like this.

    Prepare for a long hard road full of confusion. Go read some of my past post of you want.

    Carry these feelings with you. I think over time youíll forgive yourself. Itís a hard lesson that you had to learn and some day maybe we will both appreciate it. In some ways I already do.

    Feel your emotions and know that what your feeling about your ex may or may not be the truth. If you treated her bad then her all her actions may be justified but that wonít necessarily fix how you feel. Apologize and thatís it, move on.

    Do not drag it out. Once itís done man itís usually done. Almost 100% of the time for our cases. I hate that it took me a month an a half to realize that.

    I miss my ex almost every minute of the day but itís gotten a lot easier. I know Iíll find someone else someday who I can be a better man to. When someone cared about you so deeply then shuts you out like you donít matter and itís because of how you treated them it really reaaaalllyyyy sucks.

    I thought I was justified in my treatment of others because of a sense of entitlement. Almost like I know whatís best and you donít.
    Own up to it and cry your eyes out. Maybe she never stood up to you but thatís no excuse in treating someone bad.

    What can you do about it? Nothing. Be a better person. For me is all about positivity and forgiving as best as I can myself and her.

    You canít control her emotions or her opinion about you.

    If you are young then maybe you didnít know any better because of deeper issues. Do some soul searching figure out what you really want in your life and how you want to treat others.

    You have a clean slate to start out with. Make the best of it. Donít be so hard on yourself for it.

    Many people on this website have been extremely harsh in there opinions of me(a lot I respect and some I donít) and others more understanding and caring. Remember the man you will be after this and make sure you donít go back to your previous actions.

    For me imaging the stress I put on my ex during situations/arguments really made me question my ability to be a truly strong man and not just a controlling one. The whole alpha mentality really can make us see how we treat people as acceptable but in reality we are just controlling people because we see our opinions as over thereís. I thought I was just strong and a little bit of a dĒĒck. Boyo after she left me it was like a tsunami of truth hitting me over and over.

    A little change can do wonders. Never look for the opinion you want. Look for the truth and the one you need. At times some people on this website genuinely piss me off almost like theyíre insulting me but at the same time open my eyes and make me question my thoughts.

    Questioning my actions and emotions as right/wrong is a skill I think we especially as people who have screwed up relationships the way we have need to learn and have forever. My therapist and people on here have helped me learn it. At times itíll bring out very deep depression in me. Itís all a journey tho right itíll get easier.

    Also keep in mind this a very sensitive subject with many people on this site going/gone through this but on the opposite side of the relationship as the abuse victim. A lot emotions involved from many people. Some I suspect use a bit of that emotions from it to really lay into us.

    I jump around a lot when I type. Sorry about that.
    Last edited by Austino96; 02-23-2019 at 08:30 AM. Reason: Addition editing spelling

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Earnest
    Question is, she really loves me still but now needs time to heal because she is broken (her own words), do you think we still stand a chance?
    Probably not, if I'm being frank, and especially not if she happens to meet a guy who respects her and treats her well. She associates you with negative feelings at this point, and if you're already living far away and won't see her again any time soon, there is little you can do to rectify that. She had made a pretty big decision not to move to you; that should tell you a lot. This wasn't a spontaneous break-up, on her end. She's thought about it.

    With time and space apart, she is more likely to realize you two are better off as exes. I speak from personal experience. One of my exes could be quite the bully, too. I finally ended it, and discovered how much lighter I felt without him in my life. Sure, we had our nice memories together too and he wasn't a totally horrible man. But that did not override the disrespect and arrogance he displayed. After a few months, I met the man who is now my partner of over 4 years. I never regretted ending it with my ex, and I am that much more grateful that I did. That break-up freed myself up to meet a man who is ultimately a much better match for me and wouldn't dream of speaking to me the way my ex did. That kind of aggression and roughness just isn't part of who he is.

    Look at this as an opportunity to change for you. Your ex may come back, or this may be the end for good. In either case, you need to set about learning how to communicate maturely and not in a way that demeans your partner and diminishes their equal position in a relationship. I'm not sure where you picked up such an over-bearing and domineering approach, but it does need to change. It will destroy future relationships too, so it's worth addressing it now.

  5.  

  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Probably not, if I'm being frank, and especially not if she happens to meet a guy who respects her and treats her well. She associates you with negative feelings at this point, and if you're already living far away and won't see her again any time soon, there is little you can do to rectify that. She had made a pretty big decision not to move to you; that should tell you a lot. This wasn't a spontaneous break-up, on her end. She's thought about it.

    With time and space apart, she is more likely to realize you two are better off as exes. I speak from personal experience. One of my exes could be quite the bully, too. I finally ended it, and discovered how much lighter I felt without him in my life. Sure, we had our nice memories together too and he wasn't a totally horrible man. But that did not override the disrespect and arrogance he displayed. After a few months, I met the man who is now my partner of over 4 years. I never regretted ending it with my ex, and I am that much more grateful that I did. That break-up freed myself up to meet a man who is ultimately a much better match for me and wouldn't dream of speaking to me the way my ex did. That kind of aggression and roughness just isn't part of who he is.

    Look at this as an opportunity to change for you. Your ex may come back, or this may be the end for good. In either case, you need to set about learning how to communicate maturely and not in a way that demeans your partner and diminishes their equal position in a relationship. I'm not sure where you picked up such an over-bearing and domineering approach, but it does need to change. It will destroy future relationships too, so it's worth addressing it now.
    @earnest this is the cold hard truth that you must hear. My ex said to me what @misscanuck has said to you. Hurts even today.

    I know itís going to hurt you probably way more. You need to know this tho. Do yourself and her a favor and let her be and work on yourself. Start the process of moving on.

    She has gave you the best advice anyone can give you in this situation. Ignorance is bliss especially when it comes to her potentially seeing someone in the future.

    I think in your gut you know the answer wether sheíll come back or not. Give her space and never contact her again unless she contacts you. You owe her that if you did treat her bad and you need to come clean about it to yourself if you did.

    Respect her choice. Respect yourself.
    ďin a perfect world we donít lose the ones who help us grow and teach usĒ. A very wise man on here told me that.

    I canít blame my ex for all of this. I was bad. I hope you werenít as bad as me...

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Austino96
    Been there and still am. I know exactly how you feel.

    Screwing something up and regretting it. Ultimately you got to be better and move on.

    Itís harder to get over it when you know youíve been wrong to a person like this.

    Prepare for a long hard road full of confusion. Go read some of my past post of you want.

    Carry these feelings with you. I think over time youíll forgive yourself. Itís a hard lesson that you had to learn and some day maybe we will both appreciate it. In some ways I already do.

    Feel your emotions and know that what your feeling about your ex may or may not be the truth. If you treated her bad then her all her actions may be justified but that wonít necessarily fix how you feel. Apologize and thatís it, move on.

    Do not drag it out. Once itís done man itís usually done. Almost 100% of the time for our cases. I hate that it took me a month an a half to realize that.

    I miss my ex almost every minute of the day but itís gotten a lot easier. I know Iíll find someone else someday who I can be a better man to. When someone cared about you so deeply then shuts you out like you donít matter and itís because of how you treated them it really reaaaalllyyyy sucks.

    I thought I was justified in my treatment of others because of a sense of entitlement. Almost like I know whatís best and you donít.
    Own up to it and cry your eyes out. Maybe she never stood up to you but thatís no excuse in treating someone bad.

    What can you do about it? Nothing. Be a better person. For me is all about positivity and forgiving as best as I can myself and her.

    You canít control her emotions or her opinion about you.

    If you are young then maybe you didnít know any better because of deeper issues. Do some soul searching figure out what you really want in your life and how you want to treat others.

    You have a clean slate to start out with. Make the best of it. Donít be so hard on yourself for it.

    Many people on this website have been extremely harsh in there opinions of me(a lot I respect and some I donít) and others more understanding and caring. Remember the man you will be after this and make sure you donít go back to your previous actions.

    For me imaging the stress I put on my ex during situations/arguments really made me question my ability to be a truly strong man and not just a controlling one. The whole alpha mentality really can make us see how we treat people as acceptable but in reality we are just controlling people because we see our opinions as over thereís. I thought I was just strong and a little bit of a dĒĒck. Boyo after she left me it was like a tsunami of truth hitting me over and over.

    A little change can do wonders. Never look for the opinion you want. Look for the truth and the one you need. At times some people on this website genuinely piss me off almost like theyíre insulting me but at the same time open my eyes and make me question my thoughts.

    Questioning my actions and emotions as right/wrong is a skill I think we especially as people who have screwed up relationships the way we have need to learn and have forever. My therapist and people on here have helped me learn it. At times itíll bring out very deep depression in me. Itís all a journey tho right itíll get easier.

    Also keep in mind this a very sensitive subject with many people on this site going/gone through this but on the opposite side of the relationship as the abuse victim. A lot emotions involved from many people. Some I suspect use a bit of that emotions from it to really lay into us.

    I jump around a lot when I type. Sorry about that.
    Thanks for this. Finally someone with compassion that isnít just putting me down for what I did. I know what I did was wrong, but I got carried away with everything and she was the closest person to me during that turmoil...could have been anyone really.

    At this point I feel like I learned my lesson as she stood up for herself, Iíd never hurt her again. I simply didnít know better at the time...I thought we were going to endure everything together. She understood my difficulties but didnít think I was in so much pain. So when she tried to hug me to make me feel better, I deflected a lot of times because I was mad at myself. She thought I just didnít want her hugs and affection. Her intentions and love was so pure, that at times I didnít feel like I deserved it so I pushed her away due to my then low self worth. Since the break up, itís kinda been a wake up call and I changed my life drastically after so much procrastination, which is basically what she told me in the end is what she wanted. She wants me to find myself again and become that person thatís confident, like I was when we had met. I told her the door will always be open and she thanked me for that, saying she just needs time now because she feels so bruised emotionally that she is unable to be that gentle person for me. She said she will work on herself and never really said we donít stand a chance or whatever in the future. We left it at that, so we began not talking to each other. She is currently traveling with her family which I think is great, I only want her to be happy. In any given moment even in the past, thatís all I wanted. What hurts the most is that this is the person whom Iíve had such a strong connection, we share every detail of our lives in terms of lifestyle and things we like. So itís hard to build my own identity again, since we go and do exactly the same things on a daily basis. Thatís why I remain hopeful, when enough time passes, she will reach out and I can apologize to her again and hopefully make amends. We have had no contact once in the past, also in a long distance, but the case was completely different and we ended up getting back together after like 5 weeks. This time I can feel her hesitation, her fear that Iíll go back to my old ways, and I know myself well enough that I wonít. I also changed my life a lot which makes a big difference as well.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Probably not, if I'm being frank, and especially not if she happens to meet a guy who respects her and treats her well. She associates you with negative feelings at this point, and if you're already living far away and won't see her again any time soon, there is little you can do to rectify that. She had made a pretty big decision not to move to you; that should tell you a lot. This wasn't a spontaneous break-up, on her end. She's thought about it.

    With time and space apart, she is more likely to realize you two are better off as exes. I speak from personal experience. One of my exes could be quite the bully, too. I finally ended it, and discovered how much lighter I felt without him in my life. Sure, we had our nice memories together too and he wasn't a totally horrible man. But that did not override the disrespect and arrogance he displayed. After a few months, I met the man who is now my partner of over 4 years. I never regretted ending it with my ex, and I am that much more grateful that I did. That break-up freed myself up to meet a man who is ultimately a much better match for me and wouldn't dream of speaking to me the way my ex did. That kind of aggression and roughness just isn't part of who he is.

    Look at this as an opportunity to change for you. Your ex may come back, or this may be the end for good. In either case, you need to set about learning how to communicate maturely and not in a way that demeans your partner and diminishes their equal position in a relationship. I'm not sure where you picked up such an over-bearing and domineering approach, but it does need to change. It will destroy future relationships too, so it's worth addressing it now.
    Thank you for your honesty. She is the type of girl that doesnít just let anyone in her life. You have to prove your worth to her. Knowing her, I donít think she is gonna just start dating other guys so soon. She will take her time to fully heal and think stuff thoroughly through.I mentioned in the previous response that once we had already split in an LD, and got back together after 5 weeks. So I do believe in miracles, we went through a lot together and I have hope when the dust settles a bit, we can have a heart to heart and see if we can work something out. I know what it seems like to an outside observer, looking at things black and white. But when you truly love someone and think he/she is the one, I believe itís worth it. Thatís just me, I have forgiven a lot in the past relationships and given many opportunities and stuck it out til the very end. I just feel so bad because I never saw this coming...she didnít say a word for months and like you said is sheís thought about it, then why would you not say anything to me? We can always talk things out is what I feel...

    I get what youíre saying, move on and find someone better...but there is something telling me that she is the one. At this point (10 days of no contact), of course I am leaving her alone. I only want whatís best for her and would never hurt her intentionally. Will probably reach out for her birthday in a few months, if we donít start talking until then. I am dedicated to work on myself on every aspect and become a better version, and thatís all I can do at this point.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Earnest
    Thank you for your honesty. She is the type of girl that doesnít just let anyone in her life. You have to prove your worth to her. Knowing her, I donít think she is gonna just start dating other guys so soon. She will take her time to fully heal and think stuff thoroughly through.I mentioned in the previous response that once we had already split in an LD, and got back together after 5 weeks. So I do believe in miracles, we went through a lot together and I have hope when the dust settles a bit, we can have a heart to heart and see if we can work something out. I know what it seems like to an outside observer, looking at things black and white. But when you truly love someone and think he/she is the one, I believe itís worth it. Thatís just me, I have forgiven a lot in the past relationships and given many opportunities and stuck it out til the very end. I just feel so bad because I never saw this coming...she didnít say a word for months and like you said is sheís thought about it, then why would you not say anything to me? We can always talk things out is what I feel....
    Because she wanted to end it, OP. If she'd wanted to work it out, she'd have said something. This break-up was brewing for a while, whether you realize it or not.

    You may have forgiven a lot in the past. That doesn't mean this forgiveness will be reciprocated when it's you who made mistakes. Perhaps she will, but you need to act with the information you have now, which is that she wants to be single more than she wants to be with you.

  10. #29
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    Quick update on the situation...I reached out to her due to a death in the family just to inform her and to my surprise she was super sweet, even sent me hugs and thanked for reaching out. She said she is still stressed out because of stuff that is going on between us and some stuff in her family. I was surprised she started talking about herself and stuff and even signed the email with the nickname I gave her. She told me she went to the doctor because of all the stress she had some abdominal pain so she followed up to let me know sheís fine. When I asked her if she wants to talk about the family stuff she stopped responding....maybe I just had my hopes up for nothing, because I really thought that maybe we would start talking things out, but I guess she needs more time so I am leaving her alone. That was like 5 days ago...any thoughts?

  11. #30
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    Leave her be. If she wants you, she will let you know, anything from you will only push her away.

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