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Thread: Broke up after taking for granted

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You aggressively pushed her to lose weight, grow as a person, change jobs, `get mad at her for stupid things she did' AND continued to chat with an ex girlfriend.
    Tell me, is there anything you like about your now ex girlfriend because you set out on a misguided campaign to basically mold and change her.

    In turn the message she is getting is she is not attractive enough, good enough, smart enough and though speaking with ex's isn't always bad thing, the timing of all of this couldn't be any worse and because you hid it from her, she doesn't trust you.

    I am not surprised she broke up with you. Matter of fact I am sad for her that she tolerated any of this. All the above is a clear cut death knell to any relationship.

    That kindest thing to do right now is to leave her be so she can get her balance back, learn to love herself again and find someone who appreciates her exactly the way she is.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 02-22-2019 at 01:33 PM.

  2. #12
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    You do sound very controlling and abusive. The bit with the ex gf, was inappropriate, too.

    I do not blame her for breaking up with you. Leave her alone. She deserves someone who appreciates her for who she is, and also someone she can trust.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by East4
    The right question is what you are going to do to change your unacceptable behavior. For her, or for the next woman you will be dating, and in general for the other people you come in contact with.

    The question that you asked very much shows selfishness, because all you care about is getting back to the relationship, that worked for you, but was hell for her. I do not see anywhere in your question a concern about your ex girlfriend and about how sad and disrespected she must have felt, because of your bad treatment of her. Are you able to care for anybody else, but yourself?
    Thanks in advance for answering my question.

    Of course I am willing to change. First time she said she’s uncomfortable with all of that, I journaled everything to see what mistakes I’ve made and how to improve them. Already started implementing it before the break up, but she said “now you’re doing this and not when I was loving”. I just had no idea she was in so much pain. I have changed drastically and really want to show her that I can treat her like a queen, if I’m doing well or not. I realized how much she means to me when all of this happened and saw that the problem wasn’t her, it was me. That’s why I said “took for granted”, because we were actually talking about staying together forever, which lead to me thinking she’d stay no matter what
    , especially because we have been through a lot together (not in against each other way). But one day she just had enough and I was (have been) in shock. I feel like we can still talk things out and I want to show her with actions not just talk how I’ve changed.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    The other you is all she knows.
    Controlling is a symptom of something larger. Just to instantly say you won't control from this moment forward isn't good enough.
    You need to figure what motivated you to begin with and fix that.

    Basically she doesn't trust you and doesn't want any more of the same.
    She associates you with something negative now. It's close to impossible to undo that, especially from another country away.

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  6. #15
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    Have Yu considered deter therapy? People do not suddenly change. Controlling behavior is ingrained

  7. #16
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    She'd stay no matter what?

    There is what is wrong with your thinking. You have some deluded idea that if she REALLY loved you she would put up with your awful abuse.

    If YOU really loved HER you wouldn't have abused her.

    Yes, you did. You abused her. You didn't say you hit her but you treated her so poorly and acted like she was never good enough for you.

    That, sir, is abuse.

  8. #17
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    First things first; none of these were my wishes. She wanted to lose weight (I never thought of her as unattractive), she wasn’t happy with her job (I wanted her to take action), she wanted to move etc. None of this was for my own benefit, I wanted only the best things for her because those were HER wishes. She always said how she used to feel better, have that spark etc and was trying to figure out how to get it back...and that is the only reason I pushed her to go after her dream. You guys make it seem like I just sat there and commanded my wishes upon her, when that’s not even true.

    I do REALLY love her and wanted only good things for her, I did plenty of good things but coming on here with issues only I’m being portrayed as some psycho...matter fact I am speaking to a therapist who agreed on many of the points I was trying to do, I just took a wrong approach. The girl was a former professional athlete, so I treated her like one in our personal life, instead of supporting her gently. I am also a sports coach, so unfortunately the dynamic moved to our personal relationship. In many cases she appreciated being held accountable and stuff, but now I realized I shouldn’t have taken that role in the first place. I should have just supported her in all cases (which I thought I was doing), but sometimes took it too far if I got frustrated (she was saying she wanted to do something and then didn’t feel like it, admittedly being lazy).

    I would stay “no matter what”, because I want to work out all the problems that I have in the relationship and not walk away when things get tough...I’m not saying I blame her, she’s been through a lot, I’m just disappointed because we never talked things out as we went, and now we have this major pile of problems that resulted in us not currently talking (I gave her time to heal). A lot of times she giggled and shrugged it off when I told her something so there was no way of knowing per se that it was such a big problem. Bottom line, I wanted to create spark in her and not make her implode, for her own good, I had no benefit in her doing any of these things....I was trying to be the catalyst for change in her but realized (maybe too late) that it’s not my job at all. But we were really as one this whole time and have so much in common, we have exactly the same interests which makes this so much harder because there is not many activities that I’d do that we didn’t do together.

    Thanks for everyone’s input.

  9. #18
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Earnest
    at times I felt like I was trying to teach her lessons ... It was just out of good intentions to make her grow as a person.

    I would just get mad at her for stupid things like if she didn’t do something good enough.

    I was in a bad place regarding job and stuff so I was taking things out on her sometimes.

    .I had just set expectations super high for everything she did .....was telling her to “move it”
    If the above is not controlling and abusive behaviour, then I don't know what is. Hardly surprising why she broke up with you. Hopefully she has the sense to move forward and find someone who treats her well and respects her. She would do well never to return because, to put it bluntly, a leopard doesn't change its spots. You showed her the TRUE you. This is your normal mind-set. People don't change so quickly and you claiming you have "changed", well, I don't buy it and neither should she. Change, real change, can take years.

    You need professional help/therapy and stay for as long as it takes - even if years. You need to learn to fully understand WHY you behave this way before being in any relationship. Get help.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    If the above is not controlling and abusive behaviour, then I don't know what is. Hardly surprising why she broke up with you. Hopefully she has the sense to move forward and find someone who treats her well and respects her. She would do well never to return because, to put it bluntly, a leopard doesn't change its spots. You showed her the TRUE you. This is your normal mind-set. People don't change so quickly and you claiming you have "changed", well, I don't buy it and neither should she. Change, real change, can take years.

    You need professional help/therapy and stay for as long as it takes - even if years. You need to learn to fully understand WHY you behave this way before being in any relationship. Get help.
    Thanks for your input.

    I disagree with you as this was not my normal self. You would have to know more about both of us to pass such judgments.

    I had given up my dream for her in the past and in a way never got over it, so subconsciously I blamed her for what had happened. That’s where the problems began as I went into this relationship too quickly, loving her but at the same time not being ready. Few months down the road, adding different problems at work and other aspects of my life, you can only imagine how frustrated I was with my self (she was also in a bad position mentally not because of me), but we still traveled and had a lot of fun but deep down I was suffering because I wanted to change my circumstances. So the first thing that suffers is the person who is closest to you and knows everything about you because we both trusted e/o. I was loving to her in the grand scheme of things, but really couldn’t get over some things that had happened to me, so I got angry at her for smallest things when in fact it wasn’t her the whole time. Now I have utmost regret which I struggle to get over with because I acted out from pure stupidity.

    Of course I want nothing but the best for her, even if that means letting her go...I just wish things were different.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Earnest
    First things first; none of these were my wishes. She wanted to lose weight (I never thought of her as unattractive), she wasn’t happy with her job (I wanted her to take action), she wanted to move etc. None of this was for my own benefit, I wanted only the best things for her because those were HER wishes. She always said how she used to feel better, have that spark etc and was trying to figure out how to get it back...and that is the only reason I pushed her to go after her dream. You guys make it seem like I just sat there and commanded my wishes upon her, when that’s not even true.

    I do REALLY love her and wanted only good things for her, I did plenty of good things but coming on here with issues only I’m being portrayed as some psycho...matter fact I am speaking to a therapist who agreed on many of the points I was trying to do, I just took a wrong approach. The girl was a former professional athlete, so I treated her like one in our personal life, instead of supporting her gently. I am also a sports coach, so unfortunately the dynamic moved to our personal relationship. In many cases she appreciated being held accountable and stuff, but now I realized I shouldn’t have taken that role in the first place. I should have just supported her in all cases (which I thought I was doing), but sometimes took it too far if I got frustrated (she was saying she wanted to do something and then didn’t feel like it, admittedly being lazy).

    I would stay “no matter what”, because I want to work out all the problems that I have in the relationship and not walk away when things get tough...I’m not saying I blame her, she’s been through a lot, I’m just disappointed because we never talked things out as we went, and now we have this major pile of problems that resulted in us not currently talking (I gave her time to heal). A lot of times she giggled and shrugged it off when I told her something so there was no way of knowing per se that it was such a big problem. Bottom line, I wanted to create spark in her and not make her implode, for her own good, I had no benefit in her doing any of these things....I was trying to be the catalyst for change in her but realized (maybe too late) that it’s not my job at all. But we were really as one this whole time and have so much in common, we have exactly the same interests which makes this so much harder because there is not many activities that I’d do that we didn’t do together.

    Thanks for everyone’s input.
    In your own words, you said you were "rough." Enough so, that it hurt her greatly and she wants her distance.. This is abuse

    The bottom line, you are not compatible.

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