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Thread: My relationship has lost its spark...Don't know what to do anymore...

  1. #1
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    My relationship has lost its spark...Don't know what to do anymore...

    Hi everyone, seeking some advice on my current relationship, any comments/suggestions/personal experience (from male and female perspective) would be helpful;

    I am 29 years old, self-employed, no kids. My girlfriend is 30, a stylist, has a 10 year old son. We have been together for 5 years, (two days ago 2/19/2019 was our 5 year anniversary). In the course of 5 years we've only had one break-up which only lasted 3 weeks, but we've been together for over a year since then.

    So we moved in together last July 2018; the first two or three months were amazing! We used to cook together, work out together, have bonfires and parties with our friends regularly; our sex life was INCREDIBLE, we love going to rock concerts, etc etc. everything was beautiful. Unfortunately, a couple months ago tragedy struck, and my girlfriend lost her dearest grandmother, whom she was very close to. Her parents weren't really there for her growing up, so this particular grandparent played a huge mother role in her life, so this was needless to say a huge devastating loss. I have done everything I can to be there for her during this difficult time. Her behavior and personality has drastically changed since then. At first I was very understanding, thinking it was because of her loss. Fast forward a few months later, and things have taken a turn for the worst. I don't feel as close to my own girlfriend of 5 years anymore...it's very sad.

    Her behavior towards me has been absolutely terrible! As soon as she comes home from work, she nit picks about every little thing around the house and lashes out at me over the littlest things (Windows being left open, the stove not being wiped down etc. etc.) But to the point where she absolutely blows up over them in a way she never has before. Our sex life and intimacy has suffered tremendously; We used to have sex everyday, most times twice a day, now I'm lucky if it's even ONCE A WEEK!!!! Sometimes we go almost A WEEK AND A HALF without sex, and that has NEVER happened with us!! We have always been very passionate, intimate, and completely open about our sexual desires over the years, but now it has been spiraling downhill very quickly. She lashes out at me so much, that sometimes I don't even feel attracted to her anymore. In the beginning, we both had a VERY HIGH sex drive, and now she's barely ever in the mood anymore. She has completely let herself go; she stopped working out, doesn't go to the gym anymore, when she gets home from work all she does is sit in front of the TV and eat junk food. She is an AMAZING cook, but lately she is just too lazy to cook, even when I offer to help; but instead she orders out. She has picked up smoking cigarettes regularly (it used to just be a social thing when we were at a party); but now she smokes a pack every other day and has become extremely irrational and irritable whenever she runs out, becoming completely dependent on it, and quite frankly it's kind of gross to make out or kiss passionately when that's all you can smell on her breath. Her father has recently had lung surgery BECAUSE OF CIGARETTES, and when I remind her of that she becomes hostile. She has gained upwards of over 40 lbs! Now I'm not saying she was always skinny, she's always been on the curvier side since we met (which I don't mind), but the difference was that she was extremely confident, energetic, and bubbly regardless, and that made her sexy; but now she's just lazy and full of negative energy.

    As I mentioned before, she has a 10 year old son; He was 5 when we started dating. I hate the fact that she scolds me in front of him, mainly over random unfinished house chores, (I work 55 hrs a week, and can't do everything in one day) and petty things like food crumbs in her car (and keep in mind, she has an $8600 sports car that her Dad bought her, and our home is no dump either! I am typically very meticulous about cleaning and our place is immaculate! we work hard for what we have) I just hate the fact that she yells at me in front of her son because I feel like he isn't going to respect me as much because he witnesses her yelling at me all the time! He is only getting older and I fear for this as he approaches his pre-teen/teen-hood. Her uncle has a spouse whom he treats the same way, constantly yelling at him in front of his sons, and I have personally witnessed her uncle's youngest son acting out towards the spouse because he thinks it's okay to disrespect him, since his own father doesn't. That is how I fear her son will treat me. My girlfriend also scolds me when I tell her son anything! For example I have called his attention numerous times cause he constantly forgets to put his seat belt on in the car, rarely says please and thank you (you always have to remind him) Leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor after a shower, plus he is a VERY picky eater, and is VERY spoiled (He gets EVERY item on his wish-list each birthday and Christmas, and some considerably expensive items are left untouched/un-played with less than ONE WEEK later!), AND she had the nerve to talk about my parents behind my back saying "It's not fair that your Mom and Dad bought your niece and nephew an iPad for Christmas, but all they got my son was a couple T-shirts!!!" but my parents know how he is...seriously, what do you buy for the kid who already has everything? I've tried to be a life coach and teach him to be thankful. However, anything I say, she calls my attention for it. I pay for his food, his shelter, his cell phone bill,( yes, he's 10 years old and has a smartphone!!!! He is an app guru and can look up any you-tube video, yet my girlfriend doesn't hold him accountable for not answering phone calls or texts when he is not ready when it's time to pick him up from his Dad's). We live under the same roof, it's only fair to have some say in how he should behave even though I am not his biological father.
    I just don't know what to do anymore....I don't understand what is happening to us....I've tried everything. I've tried going to the gym to try to look sexy for her, I've taken her out on fancy dates to try to rejuvenate things, but she always picks a fight with me over something petty while we're out. My parents and my siblings think I should just move on, but I don't know... She wants to get married cause she's jealous that her friend is younger than her and engaged; but shouldn't you want to get married for a better reason than that!?? .Plus, with everything going on.....I definitively don't feel like we are anywhere near ready for marriage... It's like we're just existing under the same roof, without the passion we once had.....

  2. #2
    I really think you need to step back and take a deep breath. She has been through a traumatic experience and grief lasts as long as it does. It is different for everyone. They say when things are going badly and your partner is neglecting themselves, that you to put all your effort in to make her feel loved and in return she will flourish. But it sounds as though you have already tried that. Perhaps a weekend away could maybe help things where you could open up and talk to her. At the end of the day communication is key. But she may shut down once you open up. If she doesn't want to go away take time out for yourself and you go away and think things through. I hope you find peace somewhere

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Moving in together is where you get to experience each other 100% and not just the good parts. It's where all the masks drop, so moving in together might be an important factor in what has happened. Imo, treating you disrespectfully in front of her son is a red flag that you need to discuss. The bad habits could also be a red flag if they are in fact what she is really drawn to at a core level. The grief could also be a factor in the latter though. Have you discussed your concerns in a non-accusing manner with her? What were her responses? You should definitely get to the bottom of this BEFORE marriage. Moving in is a test, it's a preview of what your marriage would look like. If you can't handle cohabitation peacefully and can't resolve the issues you mentioned, then your family might be right.

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    it's almost like she's trying to destroy the relationship.

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  6. #5
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    Has she had any type of help for her grief?

    It sounds to me like she has slipped in to a very depressed state and is likely reacting to the pain she feels. I went through something similar many years ago now, after the traumatic loss of a close loved one. That does not give her license to mistreat you, to be perfectly clear. But it does sound like she could benefit from some professional help. Do you know if she is open to that?

    I would explore that first before pulling the plug altogether.

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    Has she considered a bereavement counselor?

  8. #7
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    Nope, unfortunately she is not open to any kind of therapy, she just seems to be obsessed with trying to find her "spirit guide", tarot card readings, she wants to see a medium, all kinds of stuff like that I feel is irrelevent

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    nope, she doesn't wanna see a counselor. But she has become obsessed with "finding her spirit guide", wanting to do tarot card readings etc. all these things that are irrelevant to the problem. She had a short relief when she found a collection of books her grandmother used to read, she read them for like a day, felt better, but then went back to her old hostile ways not long after

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you lived together? Whose house is it? How do you both handle finances? Unfortunately only she and the boy's father have a say about their son. Live-in bf's just have to deal. It's best you leave disciplining, etc to her and the father.

    What are you future goals? Do you want kids? Does she want any more? Is not getting married a source of conflict? Perhaps your family is correct that you are incompatible and resentment and contempt has eaten away at this situation.

  11. #10
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    Only since last July 2018, so 7 months. Less than a year. As far as finances, we go half on the mortgage. Everything else I pay, but her Dad pays her car insurance and her grandparents pay her phone bill. I may not have a say in raising him, but he still needs to respect me since we're living under the same roof half the week.

    As for my future goals, I run a few independent businesses, self-employed; but my true love is music. I currently play in an actively gigging band. She wants a kid with me, I don't..... She only sees the cute side of things and is very unrealistic when it comes to wanting another child. As it is, she is stressed about the one child she does have, so there's no way she would be able to handle a newborn. Plus, with the way she's been lashing out, I would not want to deal with her pregnant for 9 months, that would be hell!!! but I don't want kids anyways. And I'm not sure if not getting married is the conflict or not, but it definitely bothers her since she's going through some kind of early 30s mid life crisis.

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