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Thread: Boyfriend keeps in touch with girl he dated behind my back

  1. #1

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    Boyfriend keeps in touch with girl he dated behind my back

    I've been in a committed relationship with a man for 2 years. A few days ago, I casually happened to glance at his email while I was sitting next to him when I saw an email with the subject "Sweet call with a little girl" with 36 messages in the email thread. I immediately asked him what that was all about. He admitted to keeping in touch with a Vietnamese girl he dated while he was traveling through Vietnam (my boyfriend is Caucasian) but he said it was strictly platonic. They stopped seeing each other because my bf had to come back to the states for work, but have kept in touch for the past 3 years (2 of which we have been together). They exchange emails monthly. I was extremely uncomfortable seeing/hearing about this, so I asked him if I could read the messages. He reluctantly agreed.

    In the beginning, the messages were romantic, because my bf was still single at the time. They increasingly became more platonic from his end when we started dating. The Vietnamese girl knew about me as my bf brought me up a few times. However, it was very apparent she had somewhat strong feelings for him. Although my bf was only casually dating her, she compared their "story" to a movie she saw where 2 lovers have to part ways for work reasons but meet up after 5 years and still care about each other, but both may be leading their separate lives. She would also ask him deep questions about his life and share very personal information about hers. She talked about her past pain and would repeatedly tell my bf how his presence "changed her life." I then got to an email where they were talking about meeting up for lunch because she was in town. My bf never told me about it because he was afraid I'd say no, and met up with her for lunch behind my back (we were together 1.5 years at this time). I only found out while going through the emails.

    The last email she wrote to him was a long rant about how she thinks she'll never be loved again. The email ended with "I know how you would look at me if you were looking into my eyes right now..."

    I find this to be extremely disrespectful to me and our relationship. When I asked my bf to cut off contact with her, he said he needed time to "process it" because he really cares about her as a friend. He didn't think it was fair for me ask that of him. He finally caved and told her they couldn't talk anymore.

    Am I being unreasonable or is my reaction completely valid? Thanks in advance, everyone, for your advice!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your bf needs to stop stringing her along for the attention. It's wrong all the way around.

  3. #3
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    in my mind you are being unreasonable. you don't have a right to tell your anybody who they can have as friends - which is what this thing is.
    you have EVERY RIGHT to tell him you don't trust her, are not comfortable with how she's acting towards him, etc.e tc. - but yo do not have the right to tell him what to do with his life.

    my assessment of this situation is: your bf is legit and on the up n up here - nothing suspicious on his side. but definitely somethig suspicious and desperate from the viet girl. but you can NOT blame or gult your bf over what SHE does. he can't control what she does. he can only control what HE does and he has not done anythign wrong to this point. Oh he hasn't been perfect (he could tell her she needs to stop with the luvvy dubby stuff and that he's with you and happy and she needs to respect that and not push loaded comments anymore), but he's been legit.

    people have a right to "care" for other people, especially ex's - after all they once loved them - as long as they are being appropriate and loyal - which he has.

    So in my opinion you did step over the line. And while you have every right to feel wha tyou feel about her and her actions - you should keep your comments/influence to just that - how it makes you feel. it's his court/responsibility on what to do about it with that information in mind an dhow to handle it. And as long as he's loyal to you and not lying or hiding anything from anybody (which he hasn't) - and everybody does have a right to their privacy as well - then you can't ask for anymore than that.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Your bf needs to stop stringing her along for the attention. It's wrong all the way around.
    ^This. Your bf is not an idiot. He knows good and well that she is still hung up on him and he chooses to maintain that contact and string her along. Whether he is doing it for an ego boost or because he is still carrying some torch for her, only he knows. Either way it's wrong. A case of sh$t or get off the pot. So either he needs to stop stringing her along or dump you and go do what he needs to do to be with her.

    Personally, I see that as a serious character flaw. If he needs extra attention, then you are dealing with a situation of if not her, then he'll find someone else eventually. Do you want to deal with that and have to constantly police your relationship? I wouldn't. If he still has feelings for her, then he is being a coward in that he isn't pursuing what/who he actually wants and you are second best. Wouldn't want to be in that position either.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It sounds like he has been passively stringing her along for the ego boost and is unwilling to let his little toy go. This was indeed disrespectful and your hurt is valid. Had it been the other way around, his reaction would have probably been the same. He did tell her about you so there was probably no intention to cheat per se, but he has poor boundaries and felt it was ok to humor this girl's infatuation. This could go down in two ways. He either acknowledges your point of view and you set a new mutually agreed upon boundary regarding your communication with exes or you need to reevaluate your compatibility when it comes to values/ what is wrong and right. A way to gauge that is by discussing his views on the matter of exes communication; why did he feel that it was ok to humor her fantasies?

    Overall, I find his behaviour morally lacking, and agree with DancingFool's outlook but I think that people with a more lenient outlook would let it fly. Hence, I mentioned value compatibility.
    Last edited by Clio; 02-21-2019 at 02:22 PM.

  7. #6
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    He had lunch with her behind you back and you wouldn't have known about this had you not have found out. Talking like that with someone that cares about him in that way whilst in a relationship with you is not cool. Imagine him continuing this. This is NOT okay.

    I would not be staying in this relationship. He lacks genuine character and that can never be changed.

  8. #7
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    Time to move on from this relationship.

    His attention seeking is more important than you. Terrible that he is stringing her along. Your bf has poor character.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I agree with thisisrichey. I think you were out of line as well...however, I suppose I donít blame you. Iím guilty of the same myself, but I regretted it.

    My husband used to be very close friends with two sisters (there was a large group of them and they were all very close growing up). Heís friends with other women as well, but these two in particular seriously rubbed me the wrong way. I asked a few of my friends who also knew the sisters how they felt about them, and no one had anything good to say. I told my husband I didnít like either of them and they both made me uncomfortable. He offered to end the friendship, as they hadnít been close for awhile anyways, and I thanked him.

    Over a few months, it really bothered me. I thought of a few guys that I used to be close with, who I have wonderful childhood memories with, and how Iíd feel if I had to end those friendships. Not everyone is lucky enough to have those kind of connections with other people, and I felt like I had severed a great connection my husband had, and he didnít deserve that. I ended up feeling so bad that I went back to my husband and told him that was wrong of me, that he should continue his friendship with them, but I didnít want to be around them.

    He was very appreciative, and over time, theyíve naturally faded out of our lives anyways. I made the right choice to apologize and trust my husband, and I have never regretted it. Quite the opposite actually, I feel like I grew from the situation.


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