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Thread: Too Damaged for a Relationship?

  1. #1
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Too Damaged for a Relationship?

    Hello, my name is Chandler, and I am a 19 year old female despite the boy name, lol. I joined this forum because I'm in need of advice, and I apologize in advanced for my long post.

    Over a year and a half ago, I had been in a relationship with a guy, who I was in love with dearly and who I was convinced loved me as well for he had told me many times. After 3 months, I was finally ready to have sex. It took us so long because I take sex carefully and seriously. Anyway, the morning after we had sex, I woke up to find that he had blocked me on all social media without any explanation, and I have never heard from him again. He just used me for sex, and this destroyed not only my self-worth but my trust in people.

    As time passed, I felt ready to start dating again. I always look for a relationship but not a hookup, and unfortunately, all the men I have met so far are just interested in sex and nothing more. Thinking that maybe I was just being a prude, I did yet another sexual act with a different man only to have him ghost me afterwards.

    However, a few weeks ago, I finally met a man, who appeared to be genuinely interested in forming a relationship with me and not just using me for sexual purposes. We talked constantly for about one and a half weeks before we decided to meet in person. We went on a date, and it went well. The weekend after, I stayed the night at his place, where things did get sexual. Before I went home, we both stated how we had a nice time, said we would talk later, and kissed each other goodbye.

    Later that night, I noticed he had been taking much longer than usual to reply to my texts, and when he did, they were very short. It was unlike him, but I didn't make a big deal about it. Soon he just stopped replying all together and it was getting late, so I sent him a goodnight message, figuring I'd hear from him in the morning since he always sent me a 'good morning' message.

    The next morning, I wake up with still nothing from him. He hadn't opened my message, yet it had been delivered over 9 hours ago, and he was active. Paranoid that this was yet another guy using me for sexual favors, I messaged him "blocked," took an unnecessary route, and blocked him.

    Not even a minute later, I got a text from him on a different social media site saying "Blocked? Tf?" with a laughing emoji. I explained to him why I blocked him. He told me that his feelings were genuine for me, but now he wasn't sure and told me it wasn't going to work because I jumped to conclusions. No harsh words were said, I accepted it, unblocked him, and told him to take care.

    Realizing that I made a rash and stupid mistake, I reflected on the situation throughout the day, skipping my classes and not eating because I was so sick that I had done that to a great guy. At the end of the night, I sent him a long, sincere apology. I explained to him about my past with being used for sex. I took responsibility for what I had done, told him I was regretful, and that I was "sorry that my past relationships damaged me for a great guy like you. You don't deserve that."

    I did not beg, but I asked him for a second chance, so I could have a good man like him help change my negative outlook. He didn't accept my apology, but it instead appeared to make him even more angry with me, and we both have stopped contact for good.

    I am regretful about blocking him because I really liked this man. He was good to me, I enjoyed his company and conversations, we had a lot in common and we had potential (we were never an official relationship but talked about it), but I blew it because I jumped to conclusions and tried to protect myself from being hurt again. I tried to fix things with my apology, which I truly meant. I am worried that I am too damaged to be in a relationship or find love again because I am paranoid that every man I date will want me for sex.

    So, my question to this forum is do you think that what I did was unforgivable? And how do I heal from my past and stop jumping to conclusions, so I will never make the same mistake in a future relationship?
    Last edited by chandler123; 02-21-2019 at 12:35 PM.

  2. #2
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    It could be that you're not being used at all and that there is a problem. I know some guys have complained that being with a girl was terrible due to natural odor, poor hygiene, or something else. Once they were with that girl for the first time they didn't want to do anything with that girl. As an example, one guy complained his girl smelled like poop there because she "wiped wrong". After their first encounter he didn't want to be with her anymore. He didn't have the guts to tell her and it was just easier for him to ghost her. I don't know if this is happening with you but there may be a different reason than what you think is happening. And it may not even be odor, it could be anything.

  3. #3
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mari
    It could be that you're not being used at all and that there is a problem. I know some guys have complained that being with a girl was terrible due to natural odor, poor hygiene, or something else. Once they were with that girl for the first time they didn't want to do anything with that girl. As an example, one guy complained his girl smelled like poop there because she "wiped wrong". After their first encounter he didn't want to be with her anymore. He didn't have the guts to tell her and it was just easier for him to ghost her. I don't know if this is happening with you but there may be a different reason than what you think is happening. And it may not even be odor, it could be anything.
    Thank you for your comment, but I can guarantee that odor is not the case. I have good hygiene and take very good care of myself down there. The first guy who used me for sex did in fact because I ended up finding out that he had done that to several other girls and even told my friend he just used me for sex but enjoyed it. May it be something else, I haven't got a clue. I wish these men would be more upfront, so if there is a problem, I could fix it.

  4. #4
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    EDIT: hygiene is absolutely NOT the issue here, lol. I will also attach a picture of myself (although I wanted to remain anonymous) in case my appearance is questionable:

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    The problem is not you. The guy doesn’t sound that great of a guy to be honest. A great guy would understand and stick around. It sounds like all the guys you’ve been with were just in it for sex. I would use better judgment next time and wait on sex and take time to really get to know them. Save sex for someone truly special.

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    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by limichelle
    The problem is not you. The guy doesn’t sound that great of a guy to be honest. A great guy would understand and stick around. It sounds like all the guys you’ve been with were just in it for sex. I would use better judgment next time and wait on sex and take time to really get to know them. Save sex for someone truly special.
    Thank you - I needed to hear that. I agree about saving sex for that special someone. The only guy that I had sex with, however, is the first one I mentioned. The others I did sexual stuff with (oral, manual, etc.) but not sex. I should have probably clarified that better in my post, but I didn't want to go into too much detail.

  8. #7
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Ok first of all I don't think it has anything to do with odor or whatever else the other poster has vaguely suggested. I think you are just picking the wrong men. Many men lose interest after sex. Just because you are waiting months, does not mean that he will stick around. Unfortunately some people, men and women, are really just interested in the chase. Once you give in, sexually or emotionally, they just lose interest and that shows through a decrease in showed interest. I do not think you are damaged, just more aware. Because believe me, this has happened to most people. Try to be more careful with whom you start a relationship with, and whom you open up to. Maybe take a look at what kind of men you are attracted to, and date outside of that. Please don't think this is all about you and who you are as a person, because as I said, this has happened to the vast amjority of people. Good luck :)

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't get sexual until you are ready and don't engage in preemptive strikes and punish every new guy for the one before.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I wouldn't stick around. I'd like to think I'm entitled to have 12 hours away from my phone, especially but not exclusively if we're including work or sleep. It's fine to note a deviation from a routine. But jumping straight to "blocked" because texts tapered off one particular night and he didn't text "gm" is going to drive off pretty much any self-respecting guy.

    Not that I'm claiming this guy a catch. I can't speak to his actual level of interest nor his intent; only to your actions. Try to mellow down a bit in the future. If you're insecure due to having been cheated on, take time to work that out before hitting the dating scene. You're 19, so no one's going to crucify you. Plenty of time to take your lessons and learn from them.
    Last edited by j.man; 02-21-2019 at 01:20 PM.

  11. #10
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by frustrated1
    Ok first of all I don't think it has anything to do with odor or whatever else the other poster has vaguely suggested. I think you are just picking the wrong men. Many men lose interest after sex. Just because you are waiting months, does not mean that he will stick around. Unfortunately some people, men and women, are really just interested in the chase. Once you give in, sexually or emotionally, they just lose interest and that shows through a decrease in showed interest. I do not think you are damaged, just more aware. Because believe me, this has happened to most people. Try to be more careful with whom you start a relationship with, and whom you open up to. Maybe take a look at what kind of men you are attracted to, and date outside of that. Please don't think this is all about you and who you are as a person, because as I said, this has happened to the vast amjority of people. Good luck :)
    Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comment! It is great advice, and I will definitely be taking it. :)

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