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Thread: Too Damaged for a Relationship?

  1. #31
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by capricorn93
    Chandler, you are 19 years old. I'm not sure how old the guys are you are dating but most 19 year old and even older males do only want one thing when they're single and free and that is sex. It is so easy to think that it is you that is the problem but it honestly is never the case and never let a male make you feel like you are. Rule of the book is to always let the guy take you out a few times and wine and dine you for him to show you how much he does care. After all it is what us women deserve. And not to stay over on the second or even third as much as you'd like to! By the sounds of it with the second guy who was late replying to your messages after sleeping with you, he already had lost interest. Once you messaged him saying blocked he then responded with block tf? and then used your feelings as a way to get out of the scenario you both were in. Males do that. They make YOU feel as though you were in the wrong. If this guy really cared he wouldn't have been phased about your paranoia he would have just been like 'I totally understand, don't be silly' You didn't blow it because you jumped to conclusions, that's what hes making you think. Hes making you feel that it was your fault so that he feels better for having sex with you and HIM blowing you off. It makes him feel less guilty. It really is hard to trust people, but that it something that grows with time and that's what you need to focus on before any sexual activity. Don't be desperate for love that you confuse it with any old crumbs of attention lazily thrown your way. You're better than that
    Wow, thank you so much for your message and advice. I am so quick to blame myself - I didn't even think about it that way. And these guys that I have mentioned in my post are all between the ages of 19-22. Thank you again!

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by capricorn93
    Rule of the book is to always let the guy take you out a few times and wine and dine you for him to show you how much he does care. After all it is what us women deserve.
    Hmmm no? There is no such thing as "deserve".

    OP, listen to DancingFool's advice.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you, Chandler. You're navigating a natural learning process, and it's important to know that you have a choice in whether you will use your experiences to gain valuable information about your own wants and needs to build confidence in your own resilience as a life skill, or whether you will use them to harm yourself and inflict a damaged view of yourself. That choice is yours, and you own full control over it.

    If I could teach my younger self anything, it would be that I bond when I'm sexual with someone. So it's crucial that I take the t.i.m.e. to get to know someone well enough to learn who, exactly, I will want to bond WITH. If a guy isn't interested in spending the time to get to know me that well, then that speaks of HIM, not me. Why would I want to invest time with anyone who doesn't own the capacity to 'see' me through he right lens that can appreciate my unique value?

    Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So it makes no sense to latch onto wrong matches in the hope of converting him into a right match. That doesn't work, no matter how magical we wish our conversion powers to be.

    Part of maturity is recognizing that rejection speaks of someone else's limits rather than of any reflection on you. It far easier to learn up front whether someone is too limited to invest in getting to know you than to sleep first and ask questions later. I learned that getting to know someone will teach me over time where I stand with him--and where I WANT to stand. Most perfectly great guys are simply not a good match for me, and the only way to discover that is not through sex, it's through confidence in knowing what I want in a partner someday and walking away from anyone who can't or won't become THAT partner for me.

    Head high, and consider yourself on a level playing field with everyone else. Hold out for the needle in the haystack, adopt patience as your friend, and bail on anyone who isn't interested in getting to know you on a human level rather than a sexual one. You'll thank yourself later.

  4. #34
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    My heart goes out to you, Chandler. You're navigating a natural learning process, and it's important to know that you have a choice in whether you will use your experiences to gain valuable information about your own wants and needs to build confidence in your own resilience as a life skill, or whether you will use them to harm yourself and inflict a damaged view of yourself. That choice is yours, and you own full control over it.

    If I could teach my younger self anything, it would be that I bond when I'm sexual with someone. So it's crucial that I take the t.i.m.e. to get to know someone well enough to learn who, exactly, I will want to bond WITH. If a guy isn't interested in spending the time to get to know me that well, then that speaks of HIM, not me. Why would I want to invest time with anyone who doesn't own the capacity to 'see' me through he right lens that can appreciate my unique value?

    Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So it makes no sense to latch onto wrong matches in the hope of converting him into a right match. That doesn't work, no matter how magical we wish our conversion powers to be.

    Part of maturity is recognizing that rejection speaks of someone else's limits rather than of any reflection on you. It far easier to learn up front whether someone is too limited to invest in getting to know you than to sleep first and ask questions later. I learned that getting to know someone will teach me over time where I stand with him--and where I WANT to stand. Most perfectly great guys are simply not a good match for me, and the only way to discover that is not through sex, it's through confidence in knowing what I want in a partner someday and walking away from anyone who can't or won't become THAT partner for me.

    Head high, and consider yourself on a level playing field with everyone else. Hold out for the needle in the haystack, adopt patience as your friend, and bail on anyone who isn't interested in getting to know you on a human level rather than a sexual one. You'll thank yourself later.
    Thank you so, so much for all your advice. I will use this as a learning experience, as you said.

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  6. #35
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Thanks to everyone who posted any advice and thoughts about my situation. Over the past couple days, I have read them and re-read them constantly. I've taken ALL advice given into consideration and will be using it in the future. I'm glad that I decided to created an account and share my situation on this forum - if only I had joined sooner. <3

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