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Thread: Too Damaged for a Relationship?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Look....you need to get away from this toxic thinking that having sex is somehow being used. The only way you can be used for sex is if you agreed to a certain payment in exchange for having sex with the guy and he slept with you and didn't pay up. In that case, you can claim to have been used. Anything outside of this scenario is simply two consensual adults enjoying intimacy and mutually so.

    So, own what you are doing and for what purpose. Don't have sex unless YOU personally want to have sex, no ulterior motives or manipulative bs, no strings attached. I'm not saying that you should just jump into bed with every random dude on first date. What I am saying is do NOT use sex as a commodity wherein you sleep with the guy in exchange for gaining a relationship. Yes, sex is a part of every healthy relationship, but there is more to every relationship than just sex and nobody will give you that connection just because you slept with them. Hope I'm making sense here....... To put it very simply, if you want to sleep with the guy go for it, if you don't, then don't. Don't do sleep with him with some kind of expectation that this will create a relationship with him. You will be disappointed.

    If you need to feel an emotional connection and want a relationship before you sleep with him, then focus on that. Keep in mind that developing a bond with another person has nothing to do with some artificial holding out on sex. You can hold out for months, but if he is playing you and there is no real connection or relationship between you, then holding out for the sake of holing out will do nothing but get you what you already got - he'll sleep with you and bail. At the same time, if you meet a guy who genuinely likes you and wants to be connected and you hold out just to play games and test him...you'll drive him off too. Confused yet? The answer is that you sleep with him when you feel like it because you want to and without using it as barter for a relationship. Does that make sense?

  2. #22
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    Look....you need to get away from this toxic thinking that having sex is somehow being used. The only way you can be used for sex is if you agreed to a certain payment in exchange for having sex with the guy and he slept with you and didn't pay up. In that case, you can claim to have been used. Anything outside of this scenario is simply two consensual adults enjoying intimacy and mutually so.

    YEEESSSSS

    You fully participated. you wanted sex - you got it. You are just upset that you didn't get what you want AFTER sex (a relationship).

  3. #23
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Thank you so much @bluecastle for your kind words and wonderful advice. Your post made me smile and think of this negative situation a little more positively. I appreciate it. :)

    And thank you, Mari, that's very kind of you to say. I wish that I knew the answers, too, and I agree, that would have been the better approach rather than to block just them.

  4. #24
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    I agree with j.man's perspective.

    This guy might not be Prince Charming, but I also think you developed a false sense of attachment and intimacy with him. You hardly know the guy, so it's too soon to determine if he is a "great guy" or not. It's too soon to know how he usually is with girls he dates. You are basing this one deviation in his texting behaviour on just a couple weeks of messaging with him. You can't get to know someone over messaging and texting anyway.

    And therein lies the other problem - all this texting is creating expectations and a belief that you know him and his typical behaviour when you really don't. As I see it (and I admit I'm nearly 20 years older than you) texting has created the unrealistic expectation of immediate responses and people have arbitrary timelines in their head of when someone "should" respond. You didn't give him the chance to respond when he chose. You panicked when it wasn't when you chose, and didn't take a deep breath before acting.

    I see that you tried to apologize and he's not interested in hearing it, really. I don't mean to be harsh, but your message to him explaining your past and asking for another chance is just too much. He is still virtually a stranger to you and it comes across as you being overly attached already. A simple apology would have sufficed.

    I think this guy isn't the one you're looking for anyway, but in the future - breathe. Let things unfold naturally between you and a guy, and don't spend too much time messaging right away. Out of curiosity, where did you meet him?

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  6. #25
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    And to @abitbroken and @DancingFool: yes, I get that. Thank you. Those are good points, and they are noted.

    The most recent two are completely on my part. However, I stated the first guy I was already in a relationship with for 3 months before we had sex, who said he loved me, and then ditched. There's no excuse for that.

  7. #26
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I agree with j.man's perspective.

    This guy might not be Prince Charming, but I also think you developed a false sense of attachment and intimacy with him. You hardly know the guy, so it's too soon to determine if he is a "great guy" or not. It's too soon to know how he usually is with girls he dates. You are basing this one deviation in his texting behaviour on just a couple weeks of messaging with him. You can't get to know someone over messaging and texting anyway.

    And therein lies the other problem - all this texting is creating expectations and a belief that you know him and his typical behaviour when you really don't. As I see it (and I admit I'm nearly 20 years older than you) texting has created the unrealistic expectation of immediate responses and people have arbitrary timelines in their head of when someone "should" respond. You didn't give him the chance to respond when he chose. You panicked when it wasn't when you chose, and didn't take a deep breath before acting.

    I see that you tried to apologize and he's not interested in hearing it, really. I don't mean to be harsh, but your message to him explaining your past and asking for another chance is just too much. He is still virtually a stranger to you and it comes across as you being overly attached already. A simple apology would have sufficed.

    I think this guy isn't the one you're looking for anyway, but in the future - breathe. Let things unfold naturally between you and a guy, and don't spend too much time messaging right away. Out of curiosity, where did you meet him?
    Thank you a lot for your advice and comment - I fully agree. I met him on online, we had mutual friends.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by chandler123
    Over a year and a half ago, I had been in a relationship with a guy, who I was in love with dearly and who I was convinced loved me as well for he had told me many times. After 3 months, I was finally ready to have sex. It took us so long because I take sex carefully and seriously. Anyway, the morning after we had sex, I woke up to find that he had blocked me on all social media without any explanation, and I have never heard from him again. He just used me for sex, and this destroyed not only my self-worth but my trust in people.
    I don't doubt you are lovely young woman and trying to unravel this dilemma. But i just have to say that young men don't go to these lengths just to use a girl for nothing more than sex.

    He can basically throw a rock and hit a girl that will do it with little or zero effort.

    In this case ^^^ there has to be more to it and I don't pretend to know what it is.

    Just wanted to jump in and point this out.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 02-21-2019 at 03:59 PM.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by chandler123
    And to @abitbroken and @DancingFool: yes, I get that. Thank you. Those are good points, and they are noted.

    The most recent two are completely on my part. However, I stated the first guy I was already in a relationship with for 3 months before we had sex, who said he loved me, and then ditched. There's no excuse for that.
    Yeah, well that's the thing - real love is a calmer, deeper emotion that takes time to develop. Early on, it's not love but lust and yes, it's heady and fun and intoxicating, more so than love really....but the two shouldn't be confused. Also, don't take words so seriously. Any player can whisper sweet nothings into your ear. Still comes down to the same exact thing - whether you choose to sleep with the guy or not is entirely on you. You are choosing to. Do it because that's what you want, but never as a barter deal and that way you can never be used.

    On top of that, you are only 19. Try not to take dating and relationships so seriously. No, the next guy won't be someone who date and marry. You are all way too young for that. You still need to learn, grow, explore who you are and what you want and that involves dating different kinds of people and getting some experience under your belt so that some years from now, when you do meet the right guy, you actually know what right looks like. Meanwhile, have some fun with the explore part.

  10. #29
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Yeah, well that's the thing - real love is a calmer, deeper emotion that takes time to develop. Early on, it's not love but lust and yes, it's heady and fun and intoxicating, more so than love really....but the two shouldn't be confused. Also, don't take words so seriously. Any player can whisper sweet nothings into your ear. Still comes down to the same exact thing - whether you choose to sleep with the guy or not is entirely on you. You are choosing to. Do it because that's what you want, but never as a barter deal and that way you can never be used.

    On top of that, you are only 19. Try not to take dating and relationships so seriously. No, the next guy won't be someone who date and marry. You are all way too young for that. You still need to learn, grow, explore who you are and what you want and that involves dating different kinds of people and getting some experience under your belt so that some years from now, when you do meet the right guy, you actually know what right looks like. Meanwhile, have some fun with the explore part.
    Thank you. I can see now that actions speak louder than words, and I will be focusing more on fun and finding myself rather than serious relationships. Thanks again - I do appreciate it.

  11. #30
    Chandler, you are 19 years old. I'm not sure how old the guys are you are dating but most 19 year old and even older males do only want one thing when they're single and free and that is sex. It is so easy to think that it is you that is the problem but it honestly is never the case and never let a male make you feel like you are. Rule of the book is to always let the guy take you out a few times and wine and dine you for him to show you how much he does care. After all it is what us women deserve. And not to stay over on the second or even third as much as you'd like to! By the sounds of it with the second guy who was late replying to your messages after sleeping with you, he already had lost interest. Once you messaged him saying blocked he then responded with block tf? and then used your feelings as a way to get out of the scenario you both were in. Males do that. They make YOU feel as though you were in the wrong. If this guy really cared he wouldn't have been phased about your paranoia he would have just been like 'I totally understand, don't be silly' You didn't blow it because you jumped to conclusions, that's what hes making you think. Hes making you feel that it was your fault so that he feels better for having sex with you and HIM blowing you off. It makes him feel less guilty. It really is hard to trust people, but that it something that grows with time and that's what you need to focus on before any sexual activity. Don't be desperate for love that you confuse it with any old crumbs of attention lazily thrown your way. You're better than that

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