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Thread: Too Damaged for a Relationship?

  1. #11
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Noted. Thank you to both the comments above. I definitely need to hear a male's perspective on it. Better I make these mistakes now than later, so I can learn from them.

  2. #12
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    ok..... wow.. ok. here we go:

    do you think that what I did was unforgivable?
    there is some logic to what you did - it is understandable. however, it is NOT how healthy people act and not the type of behavior conducive to long-term love success. So yes it is forgivable, but it's also detrimental and unhealthy. Best to stop it - figure out how to.

    A big step in doing that is to remember that you CAN NOT hold "new guys" responsible for anythin that happened in the past. You just can't. You can only hold them responsible for what they ACTUALLY DO. (Just as you would never want any guy to make YOU pay for the wrongdoings of his ex's right?)

    how do I heal from my past and stop jumping to conclusions?
    realize firstly that it WILL take time. changing your perspective, mentality, and how yo approach life is NO SMALL TASK and it WILL TAKE TIME. And you will have to be persistent and consistent in committing to the change - because your "natural instincts" will keep trying to pull you back to your "old self" which does these unhealthy things.

    So first.. allow yourself a lot of time and committment to trust that the hard work and time is WORTH IT to not go thru this again down the road. ok?

    Again.. a big step is to stop holding "new guys" responsible for past experiences that others have imposed upon you. That is a HUGE step (aka "learning to let go" and "staying in the moment").
    Step 2 is to go back and identify all of the common things about the guys that used you for sex and see what characteristics you can gather that might help tip you off to the bad apples going forward. Some things may be - emphasis is a bit too much about sex too early, they tend to want to move fast, are they "turning on" the charm and romance early on (you said in your last incident you slept together in about a week no?)? Find out al of these commonalities and put them in the "red flag" bank. Then see how things go. Which red flags prove to be wrong (not indicative of using you for sex or emphasizing sex?)

    Step 3 will be the hardest part. What I've learned in life is that what you attract is typically a refletion upon where you are. If you are insecure, down, have low expectations - you will attract the people that can satisfy low-expectations and insecure people's needs (like.. "being used"). Do you have a need to be in a relatinoship? Are scared of being alone or single? have a need to be liked or adored (and by men specifically)? Are you insecure? Do you feel like you can't have high quality guys and only low quality guys are "in your league"?

    for me. I used to go for what was "easy" and I knew i could get and win over - but didn' go after the high quality people. So in a way i was desperate and low-expectations and insecure.
    Once I stopped that and demanded more of myself, more for myself, and raised my expectations that only quality gals can be with me, and that i need to ensure i am a quality guy for them and work on lots of things on myself (like being more fun, understanding, conversational, a better partner, better supportive partner, a better person in general and a higher quality person) - things turned around for me.

    Thats' plenty for now. Realize that the brain is a POWERFUL force in our universe and the energy that surrounds you. So your mentality, thoughts, etc. - play a HUGE part in all this. (I expect doctors and scientists in the future to figure this out and have studies to prove it down the road. We don't appreciate the power of our brains and our thoughts yet in today's science).

    Goood luck and hit me up any time if ou want to talk. I've been thru this and made the change myself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I don't think you are damaged at all!! You are a pretty 19 year old who is trying to navigate dating and sex. Not always easy!
    It may sound old fashioned, but the easiest way I found to date and have fun with guys at that age was by keeping sex out of. You have to build the self esteem through other means than guys validating you as a nice thick insulation to the inevitable rejections and misunderstanding that happen with a bunch of people your age all trying to figure it out.
    You aren't damaged, you are just learning.. going to make mistakes.. same as all the guys you may date and all your friends.

    I will say, I do think there is potential of damage to yourself if you keep choosing to get sexual so quickly. When I read you say you waited months and you found that long, well even at your age I was not in a rush like that. Mostly because I saw so many good friends rush into getting sexual, hoping that would get her closer to someone, and it breaking her down where she did treat herself as 'damaged'.

    I repeat.. you made mistake of thinking guys wanting quick sex as a reflection on you. It's not. One has nothing to do with the other. I recommend just FUN and dating that keeps things activity based. When you feel better about it, then re evaluate being sexual with someone.

  4. #14
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    oh.. i will say this. of the gals i've slept with once and it was over after that - it as typically because we were incompatible in bed. or moreso..
    my philosophy is that you see people's true colors where they can't hide in 2 places only (actually 3 places now):
    1. in the bedroom during sex
    2. when they're driving
    3. when they're buzzed

    in my opinion these are the areas where people show their true colors - how selfish they are, how giving they are, how interested they are, how aggressive or docile they are, what's important to them, are they a taker or a giver, are the open or closed-minded, adventurous or conservative, etc.
    so the times i slept once and it was over is because we were SO NOT A MATCH in bed - like drastically so - that it was clear it wouldn't work out long-term.

    i dont' know if most guys are like that BUT - realize that how you are in bed probably says a lot about your true colors (regardless of how you portray yourself publicly otherwise). So what are you? is there anything there that could be non-conducive to relationships?

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  6. #15
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Wow, thank you so much, Richey, for your well thought out advice. It is really insightful and eye-opening, and it has really had me thinking about my own self. I appreciate that you took the time to type everything out, and I will definitely be taking it all in. Thank you.

  7. #16
    Member chandler123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I don't think you are damaged at all!! You are a pretty 19 year old who is trying to navigate dating and sex. Not always easy!
    It may sound old fashioned, but the easiest way I found to date and have fun with guys at that age was by keeping sex out of. You have to build the self esteem through other means than guys validating you as a nice thick insulation to the inevitable rejections and misunderstanding that happen with a bunch of people your age all trying to figure it out.
    You aren't damaged, you are just learning.. going to make mistakes.. same as all the guys you may date and all your friends.

    I will say, I do think there is potential of damage to yourself if you keep choosing to get sexual so quickly. When I read you say you waited months and you found that long, well even at your age I was not in a rush like that. Mostly because I saw so many good friends rush into getting sexual, hoping that would get her closer to someone, and it breaking her down where she did treat herself as 'damaged'.

    I repeat.. you made mistake of thinking guys wanting quick sex as a reflection on you. It's not. One has nothing to do with the other. I recommend just FUN and dating that keeps things activity based. When you feel better about it, then re evaluate being sexual with someone.

    Thank you so much! That makes me feel a lot better, and I will be focusing on more innocent fun when dating instead of sexual in the future. Thanks again for your advice. :)

  8. #17
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    no problem... best of luck to you. i hope it ends up helping you out.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So, first things first: Take a deep breath, then three more. Now give yourself a hug, silly as that sounds. But do it, really.

    Because you are awesome, and that is forever. Awesome people get ghosted after sex and awesome people get a little spazzy and send "blocked" texts and awesome people get all sorts of crazy in the pursuit of lust and love.

    That's what makes it all so awesome.

    And also, yeah, so very confusing and sometimes painful. But it would all be a bore if it were easy.

    Now, getting to the nitty gritty. Yeah, the whole "blocked" text sucked. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, since you're strong and awesome and so, so very far from "too damaged." What happened, as you know, is that you flung a bit of past "damage" his way and he shut down. I've been in dude's shoes, been in yours. Not the coolest, and I'm sorry for that episode. But: it happens. Next time you have a nice date maybe stay away from the bedroom a bit longer. And next time you find yourself getting jittery after a little bedroom fun and a lag in communication—because it's going to happen—go for a run.

    Other than that, no massive lessons here, nothing to beat yourself up about. If you're still sending "blocked" texts at 29 or 39—well, I know that's not you so let's not even bother with that phantom wormhole.

    A lot of dating, in ways, is (a) learning to process and contain our "damage" and (b) throwing our "damage" at people and seeing how they take it. The former is conscious, the latter often subconscious, and it's all always evolving as we evolve. It's a dance where no one really knows the steps—not at 19, not at (my age) 39.

    Those we're able to end up in a relationship with—be it a week, two months, years—tend to be those who don't shut down when hit by our damage, but who magically and mysteriously open up. And, sure, a big part of that is learning to keep our damage in check, so it doesn't come up too fast or too sharp—to go for that run instead of sending that text.

    But it's also just the voodoo no one understands and everyone is chasing. Like, there is a parallel reality where the "blocked tf lol" text leads to a sweet little exchange, a nice date, and months later y'all are laughing about the whole "blocked" moment. But that is not this reality, alas, because he's not that guy. His loss, your loss, life.

    At the risk of pulling the twice your age card and sounding like a wise person, I'll just say that it's clear as day from this thread that you've got a great heart and a great head on your shoulders. Don't let any of this make you think otherwise.

  10. #19
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    I agree that you were really hasty in blocking him.
    you punished him for what a DIFFERENT guy did to you. To me, if a guy did that to me (i am female) i would not continue or try again because it makes me think he would always treat me that way -- assume I am "just like the others" and I would never get a fair shake.

    I think that you should not have sex with a guy the first week. How do you do that? you have dates where you meet and part in public the first few times and you then don't have any dates for awhile that involves going back to eachother's places at night, being together in the wee hours (1-3 am, etc,) where one thing could lead to another.

    If a guy is genuine, he will wait. He will wait 3 months. He will wait 6 months. He will wait a year.

    you are young. you have lots of time to find a serious relationship. I would focus on trade school or college or working and hobbies and experience all you can to shape who you are. Honestly, I didn't start dating until I was 21. If you feel you are not ready and you keep overreacting, focus on friendships. You can get through this - you will be okay -- just give yourself time

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by chandler123
    Thank you so much! That makes me feel a lot better, and I will be focusing on more innocent fun when dating instead of sexual in the future. Thanks again for your advice. :)
    Thanks for the picture. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, you look like good relationship material. Even the eyes are sparkly. I wish we could just get the answer from the guys that ghosted as to why they did that. Maybe they would say they're scum and it's normal for them. I hope you find someone good. Don't take their actions too personally. It's hard not to be cautious when your first string of people turn out to be bad but hopefully as these men grow older they will learn how not to ghost people. I don't think you screwed up that badly for the outcome that happened. I guess that guy is taking being blocked too seriously even though it was an honest mistake on your part.

    One thing I try to do in your situation is give new people a clean slate. I'll tell myself that sure others may have done x but maybe this person is different. The other thing I would try in your case is to ask if they are ghosting. "I haven't heard from you since last night, are you ok?" might work better and not reveal that you think they're about to ghost you.

    Good luck to you in the future.

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