What’s the next step?

My story starts like any other, I met a girl and although the circumstances are somewhat unique, the events after are not really that special. When I say that I mean that everyone has a path in a new relationship and ours was really not all that different.

We met online (she an actress) and me the director of a movie company. We wouldn’t have ever met if she had not been stubborn. She was having a problem with an online form on our website and decided to circumvent the usual chain of command and went right to contacting me. In the beginning our conversation was totally professional. My relationship was ending after 6 years and in the back of my head I held a “what if” about this beauty. She did not tryout for the film allowing me to take our talks in a different path altogether. We quickly became infatuated with each other and made plans to meet. It was supposed to be two weeks only in Florida while I transited to a new movie set in Belize. That first night we laid in bed cuddling and caressing and although we swore nothing would happen , it did and it was wonderful. After years of being cold I felt awakened.

Even though I stayed and kept putting off flights to other places, we agreed to keep it “casual” her knowing I would leave eventually. I adapted to staying with her and her three kids (did I mention them) and settled into a routine.

Being casual she was always meeting new guys and they were always talking calling or texting. Myself I was just content to know she came home to me at night.

As time went on the “honeymoon” phase wore off and the fighting began. Let me tell you we can do some vicious fights. She is very hands on and has given me a bloody nose once already. The fights could be about anything and she would turn on me on a dime. It was like flipping a switch one second it was good with us and the next we were screaming and she was slapping me.

Every time I Went to reschedule a new flight and pack up she would get increasingly angry towards me, and she would wait Until like 3 days before my flight to “kick me out” and this took place maybe 5 times.

The final fight took place on Jan 28th of this year. She woke me from the couch and asked me something about taking her daughter to school and then having me sit there with her then walk home ( I don’t drive when I’m in the states). I had been woken out of a dead sleep and my response must not have pleased her. She hauled me and the kids around and when the final kid was dropped off ( she told her that I didn’t love them and was leaving) she and I started towards home. I was already packed so I told her I would just get my things and leave and she said she would put them on the street. I jumped out in traffic and ran towards the house, she sped by me and when I got there most of my stuff was haphazardly tossed on the sidewalk. She still had a very expensive computer inside and I pounded on the door asking for it and she came out and said I Gave it to her as a gift, which I did not.

I had been sick for awhile and was finally on amoxicillin ( being around her and the kids got me sick 9 times in 6 months) and she started to crumple my pills up in front of me. Like a coke fiend I grabbed at them on the ground, I had been just starting to feel better, and needed my medicine.

Eventually I called the cops on her and she on me. Now without getting into details I had an old warrant out for my arrest and when the cops showed they arrested me. I was so pissed at this woman. My aunt came and picked up all my stuff (she also lives in the same town) and the cops cancelled my flight and hotel for me ( the cop that took me in was outstanding). For three days I sat in jail before I reached out to my ex to tell her our joint credit cards would not be paid and she needed to pay them. She refused to take my collect call so that’s on her. As for the current girl who we will call “C” I also reached out to her and she and I emailed. Over the next few days she contacted 15 bondsman and did EVERYTHING possible to get me out, however because my warrant was from out of County I wasn’t going anywhere. She did her best to send me letters, phone calls, and photos to cheer me up. What stunned me was how devoted she was to me after our fight.

Eventually she went to court all dressed up to see me but they had already transferred me to the offending County. I called her when I arrived at like 5 am and told her I needed to fix this all by myself and I would come back k to her someday.

Without going into details I spent 19 days in the jails before the judge agreed it was over and I was free again. While on the inside I wrote her name and all the feelings I felt for her on a piece of cardboard. When I was finally free I stayed in that area and did not contact her for a couple days. I needed to sit on a beach and get my head together.

When I was finally ready to head home I planned on surprising her and my aunt picked me up at the train station and we went to her house. When she came out of the house she just stood there with her jaw wide open and we hugged. My aunt left but it was hours before I could go “inside” and I stayed in the driveway looking up at the moon.

The past few nights I have shared her bed once again and when I sleep I dream of being back in the jail, I wake up thrashing and she has to hold me tight and make me open my eyes. When I see a cop wearing the same uniform as the jail officers I start to shiver, and sirens and flashing lights make me nervous. Also the sound of chains and keys make me shiver. I know I only spent a couple weeks inside but I’m not a life criminal and this has really affected me.

The past couple days we have started fighting again, it can be anything a word a look, and she spins on me on a dime. She goes from loving to a viper in a microsecond. I even tried just agreeing with her to end the fight and that made it worse.

I left the house today with my backpack and left her a note I would return soon, I love her with all my heart. I even went to a couple churches for advice but found them locked. The one that was open the pastor talked to me but I felt like he was brushing me off a little and I had come at a bad time.

Me and her are both very solid in our faith and I have been praying for guidance but so far the only answer is silence.

Right now I have a few options

1. Stay with her fights and all and just take the happy with the bad

2. Leave soon and travel again until I’m right with myself again (which may be never) and then return to her

3. Stay a little longer, right now she is providing me a comfort I so desperately need in my life.

She always says she will be there for me near or far and wants to love me forever, but our fights are so bad and so hard on my heart.

For demographic purposes I’m 40 and she’s 27. Kids are 2, 5, and 7. She’s a single mom struggling to survive.

So what to do, someone told me that we need to find the peace in the love, but if she always has to be right and there is no middle ground how can that ever be.

I love this woman with everything I have and when I came back she told me that we would spend the whole day together without the kids and go to church together and pray, that was 4 days ago and so far it’s been Wall to Wall kids and screaming (the Two year old got sick and had to be out of daycare LITERALLY the moment I came back and he’s been screaming ever since). So nothing happened, the house looks like a bomb went off again ( although I cleaned it for her the day I got back) and we have not had any time together. I have been sleeping by using melatonin and other sleep aids. My sleep has not been peaceful at all either.

I asked her the other day if she was “in love” with me not just loving me. She proceeded to tell me how she was not in a place to be a girlfriend to anyone so I know if I stay we will just be as we are now. I am glad she told me this as I was about to give her a very special gift once I had been back for a couple days, and I would have felt guilty if I had.

Thanks for any advice and feel free to ask ANYTHING and I’ll fill in ANY BLANKS I can.

J

P.S. I used this forum years ago and am glad to find it still providing a service after all These years.

Sorry it sounds volotile, toxic and abusive. You need to stay away from her. She's not responsible for your outstanding warrants.

Eventually I called the cops on her and she on me. Now without getting into details I had an old warrant out for my arrest and when the cops showed they arrested me. I was so pissed at this woman.

One of the hardest parts was accepting that she is not responsible for it. I have come to grips with the fact the warrant thing would have happened anytime anyplace.

As for volatile and abusive I also agree sadly

I have to presume the sex is stupendous for you to put up with all this garbage.

Her poor, poor kids, being subjected to all this chaos.

I advise you to stay away unless you want an extensive rap sheet and more injuries.

To also clarify the only one who hits is her, I am not nor ever have been physically abusive. I agree her kids are caught in this yo-yo. The sex is perfect.

3. Stay a little longer, right now she is providing me a comfort I so desperately need in my life.

I understand that you are seeking comfort, but your well-being shouldn't be contingent on one individual.

What's your north? A north needs to be stable, because a stable north helps us navigate life much better - we can find clarity when we need to, recover, grow and adapt.

Volatile, toxic and abusive is the opposite of stability. Do you really need chaos in your life right now?

You do know you can have terrific sex with an emotionally healthy woman, right?