My boyfriend is a manchild?

Hello,

This is my situation and I'm not sure what to do:

I'm a 23 year old woman and I met my 29 year old boyfriend abroad in his country while I was travelling. We were long distance for a while and then I lived there with him for about 6 months. After that I had to go back to my home country and he came with me with the plan of staying and living in my country.

However I have a masters degree and will start a well paying job soon, and he has no degrees, no real job experience (just small jobs here and there, and he also worked with family members). He is quite lazy, he hasn't even started to learn the language of my country. He doesn't have a work permit so now he is working as a bike delivery man. This job is super flexible and he can choose his own hours, but he still manages to be late. The rest of the time he plays video games. He takes little to no initiatives around the house, but at least when I ask him to help cleaning up he does. But he always takes time to do it, like when he has to do the dishes he will kepp playing video-games for 2 or 3 hours before doing them. He doesn't make a lot of money so we can't do so many activities but that's OK, Im fine with him saving some money but I noticed that he actually doesn't. Like right when he gets paid he will spend all of it in take out food, a joystick, clothes. When we get groceries we always pay 50/50 but sometimes I am like to get myself some extra treats like chocolate or cookies for myself and he will always eat half of those, but he never buys stuff for him where I just take half. Well those are just details.

I have ambitions for the future, and I don't want to have barriers because of his situation, but he doesn't do anything to better his situation, and he is used to having other people do the efforts for him. I don't want to have to push him all my life.

I want to add that I don't have any problems with the fact that he has no degree, everyone is free to choose to go to college or not, but in his case he actually went to college, spend all his time partying and doing drugs, and then dropped out after like 4 years? And he didn't try to learn a manual job and get good at it, he just went to work in his father's company and had very very little pressure.

Sounds like a parasite who is using you as room and board and a free ride into your country. The more puzzling questions are why did you drag him back home with you and why are you putting up with this? Why are you mommying him like this? Why be a doormat and then complain? Are there no viable men in our country who are better matches for you?

I'm a 23 year old woman and I met my 29 year old boyfriend.

I had to go back to my home country and he came with me with the plan of staying and living in my country.

 

He is quite lazy, he hasn't even started to learn the language of my country.

He doesn't have a work permit so now he is working as a bike delivery man.

he plays video games.

He takes little to no initiatives around the house

He doesn't make a lot of money so we can't do so many activities

when he gets paid he will spend all of it in take out food, a joystick, clothes.

Harsh tone but ok.

Well I am not paying anything for him, we pay everything 50/50. But yeah I feel like I am mommying him and pushing him to act like an adult but it doesn't really work. In the country where he is from, a lot of men are like that, and sometimes worse. His family are proud of him and idolise him because he is charismatic and funny. They don't think he is in an anormal situation for his age (no career, no savings, etc.) I am putting up with this because he has been of emotional support for me on a regular basis, because I've had a very lonely life and no one to trust. Also I have low self confidence and don't think a lot of "better" men would like me.

Harsh tone but ok.

Well I am not paying anything for him, we pay everything 50/50. But yeah I feel like I am mommying him and pushing him to act like an adult but it doesn't really work. In the country where he is from, a lot of men are like that, and sometimes worse. His family are proud of him and idolise him because he is charismatic and funny. They don't think he is in an anormal situation for his age (no career, no savings, etc.) I am putting up with this because he has been of emotional support for me on a regular basis, because I've had a very lonely life and no one to trust. Also I have low self confidence and don't think a lot of "better" men would like me.

So what is it you are looking for? You're complaining about him but in the same breath you give a dozen reasons why you stay with him. What exactly do you want?

As to your question, yes, he is a manchild and a mooch. That's on him. You complaining about him yet stay with him, well, that's on YOU. Don't like it? End it.

Relationships dynamics of mommy-child are relationship killers for both ends. Did he live with parents before living with you? I think you two should reconsider at least your living together situation because he's clearly not ready to live with someone and be independent, and I don't think you can do nothing about it. It'd have been better if he had moved there with already some knowledge of the language and actual plans.

So what is it you are looking for? You're complaining about him but in the same breath you give a dozen reasons why you stay with him. What exactly do you want?

 

As to your question, yes, he is a manchild and a mooch. That's on him. You complaining about him yet stay with him, well, that's on YOU. Don't like it? End it.

Hm I think I was capable of asking myself these questions on my own. The point of this thread is to give details on my situation, the pros and cons, because obviously if there were only cons I would have left already. So the question is how can I make the decision. If your answer is going to be some insensitive "if you want to leave, leave; if you want to stay, stay" you can just leave the thread because its clearly not constructive nor helpful. I obviously have some issues in assessing my relationship and that's why I'm here.

Hm I think I was capable of asking myself these questions on my own. The point of this thread is to give details on my situation, the pros and cons, because obviously if there were only cons I would have left already. So the question is how can I make the decision. If your answer is going to be some insensitive "if you want to leave, leave; if you want to stay, stay" you can just leave the thread because its clearly not constructive nor helpful. I obviously have some issues in assessing my relationship and that's why I'm here.

I was trying to get an understanding and comparing the two posts - the one with complaints, and the one laying out the reasons why you stay on with him. It seemed like you made up your mind to stay with him and I can't get my head around WHY ... especially when just a few minutes before you seemed so unhappy and miserable with your situation. Trying to get understanding/perspective.

I was trying to get an understanding and comparing the two posts - the one with complaints, and the one laying out the reasons why you stay on with him. It seemed like you made up your mind to stay with him and I can't get my head around WHY ... especially when just a few minutes before you seemed so unhappy and miserable with your situation. Trying to get understanding/perspective.

Sorry, I was feeling kind of frustrated.

One of the reasons that makes it difficult for me to decide is that if we break up he will have to leave the country, probably ask his family for help with the plane ticket because we are very far from his home country. This is also a factor that made me more tolerant, him being so far away for the first time and needing time to adjust, but I think I'm just making him excuses now. I'm unhappy more and more frequently but a lot of times he also makes me happy. Due to moving countries all the time when I was a child and a teen, and having an emotionally distant family, I have trouble to build lasting trust relationships with people and I was happy to find him as I feel like I can tell him a lot of personal things that I don't usually tell anyone. But sometimes I'm just exhausted by this relationship

But sometimes I'm just exhausted by this relationship

I think this is what you should be focusing on. Also, I think your answer lies in your first post. Please re-read and really absorb your own words very carefully:

"I have ambitions for the future, and I don't want to have barriers because of his situation, but he doesn't do anything to better his situation, and he is used to having other people do the efforts for him. I don't want to have to push him all my life."

^ There's your answer. You two are incompatible for a start. He is going to hold you back on all your ambitions and dreams and you do NOT deserve that. You have every right to look forward to a great future, but as long as you live with this lazy mooch, you will never achieve anything. All that lies ahead of you right now is frustration, unhappiness and broken dreams/ambitions. Is this really what you visualise for your future?? If not, then you need to be strong enough and end it. I know it's not easy, but if you want to get somewhere in life, then staying with him is not the way.

I think you're reading the advice here as harsh, when what I think the posters are doing is simply cutting to the chase and giving you the "end" of the advice, which is, as I agree, that you two are absolutely mismatched.

Your topic headline asks if he is a manchild, and the answer is a resounding "Yes".

My last relationship was like this, so if it helps (this helped me), picture him as a 10 year-old boy in big boy pants. I literally would stand there and picture my then-boyfriend as a child who was wearing a grown man's clothes, and it was like.....aha.....that's what this is.

You are taking on the role of a parent, waiting on him to do dishes while he finishes up his video games, and getting (rightfully) upset that 50% of your cookies are gone, yet he hasn't offered to replace them.

I get it: he's emotionally supportive, and he keeps you from being lonely. You will one day find, if/when you leave him, that you can find emotional support and love within yourself, with new friends, family, groups/activities, and that all this other "stuff".....his manchild-ness....will not be missed.

I'm sorry, but there is no "working through" this. Correction: the only way to work through this would be for you to forgo your career, engage in video games, hang around the house all day, and basically forget that you put in all this work towards your education and career, and come down to his level.

Let him go. He is not on your path forward.

Perhaps you chose to attach yourself to him too quickly, in your effort to backfill your childhood desire for security and stability.

See that you now provide yourself with the security and stability you desire. You do not need someone else and choosing to keep someone out of weakness will just keep you from finding your true path.

I have to agree with the others^....I'm sorry but I don't see him changing unfortunately....

If you say you want to break up that MAY spur some action into him, but in a lot of ways, people are who they are....and once the dust settles he may very well just return to how he is now. That is the risk you are running here....

There are definitely men out there who are more motivated and want more out of life than video games.....

You can try and let him know your concerns but please don't let this drag on for too long ok*

Carus*

Hello,

This is my situation and I'm not sure what to do:

I'm a 23 year old woman and I met my 29 year old boyfriend abroad in his country while I was travelling. We were long distance for a while and then I lived there with him for about 6 months. After that I had to go back to my home country and he came with me with the plan of staying and living in my country.

However I have a masters degree and will start a well paying job soon, and he has no degrees, no real job experience (just small jobs here and there, and he also worked with family members). He is quite lazy, he hasn't even started to learn the language of my country. He doesn't have a work permit so now he is working as a bike delivery man. This job is super flexible and he can choose his own hours, but he still manages to be late. The rest of the time he plays video games. He takes little to no initiatives around the house, but at least when I ask him to help cleaning up he does. But he always takes time to do it, like when he has to do the dishes he will kepp playing video-games for 2 or 3 hours before doing them. He doesn't make a lot of money so we can't do so many activities but that's OK, Im fine with him saving some money but I noticed that he actually doesn't. Like right when he gets paid he will spend all of it in take out food, a joystick, clothes. When we get groceries we always pay 50/50 but sometimes I am like to get myself some extra treats like chocolate or cookies for myself and he will always eat half of those, but he never buys stuff for him where I just take half. Well those are just details.

I have ambitions for the future, and I don't want to have barriers because of his situation, but he doesn't do anything to better his situation, and he is used to having other people do the efforts for him. I don't want to have to push him all my life.

It seems you're aware of it and it's starting to bother you. How long have you been together in total? How long has he lived with you?

Perhaps you're answered you own question already:

My boyfriend is a manchild?

Why is he living there without a job permit and ways to support himself? How long have you dated him previous to his move?

If you don't want to end the relationship maybe it's easier if he goes back to his country, gets on his feet, returns to your country, lives there in a separate place and then you can think moving in again.

I don't know, it just seems like he's too dependent on you to be living there and you'll end up resenting him. And he'll continue to feel enabled to be a manchild

What did he do before he met you?

You seem to think you have to stay with him because if you don't he'll have no where to go. Well, that's his problem.

I'm sure he's just an awesome guy when he's not lazing around playing video games, but if you don't want 50 years of watching him be glued to his gaming console you have to make the decision.

I think you're reading the advice here as harsh, when what I think the posters are doing is simply cutting to the chase and giving you the "end" of the advice, which is, as I agree, that you two are absolutely mismatched.

This. In my experience with this forum and others, those giving advice do so based on literally 100's of other similar posts. Your situation is far from unique OP... and people are saying what you are thinking deep down but perhaps not ready to face yet.

Only you can decide in your heart if this guy is worth the effort. Personally, while I am happy to help and support someone, I have no desire to "mommy" a grown a$$ man that can take care of himself.... my hearts desire is to have a relationship where we take care of each other (it isn't all him or me) and I think this is what most people want at the end of the day.

You also said in a previous post that you were staying with him because you didn't think you deserved better... this both belittles him and does a number on your self-esteem and isn't a healthy way to view a relationship. If you don't accept him for who he is then it's time to let it go because there is no guarantee that he will ever change, and you have no control over anyone except yourself.

So basically the only reason you are in this relationship is because you have really low self esteem and don't believe you can do better. OK, so you really have only two options here:

1)Dump him, focus on your future and career, work hard on your personal childhood issues and improving your self esteem and meet a guy who is worthwhile and have the happy, equal relationship with a partner you don't have push, pull, force and mommy.

2)Keep him and toss out all ideas about him ever being an equal partner to you. Accept that you'll wear the pants in the relationship, go to work, pay the bills, raise the kids AND keep a passive aggressive manchild who might eventually help you with the dishes...or not.... All in exchange for "having" someone in your life.

Which option is more attractive to you? Decide and carry on.

Hello,

This is my situation and I'm not sure what to do:

I'm a 23 year old woman and I met my 29 year old boyfriend abroad in his country while I was travelling. We were long distance for a while and then I lived there with him for about 6 months. After that I had to go back to my home country and he came with me with the plan of staying and living in my country.

However I have a masters degree and will start a well paying job soon, and he has no degrees, no real job experience (just small jobs here and there, and he also worked with family members). He is quite lazy, he hasn't even started to learn the language of my country. He doesn't have a work permit so now he is working as a bike delivery man. This job is super flexible and he can choose his own hours, but he still manages to be late. The rest of the time he plays video games. He takes little to no initiatives around the house, but at least when I ask him to help cleaning up he does. But he always takes time to do it, like when he has to do the dishes he will kepp playing video-games for 2 or 3 hours before doing them. He doesn't make a lot of money so we can't do so many activities but that's OK, Im fine with him saving some money but I noticed that he actually doesn't. Like right when he gets paid he will spend all of it in take out food, a joystick, clothes. When we get groceries we always pay 50/50 but sometimes I am like to get myself some extra treats like chocolate or cookies for myself and he will always eat half of those, but he never buys stuff for him where I just take half. Well those are just details.

I have ambitions for the future, and I don't want to have barriers because of his situation, but he doesn't do anything to better his situation, and he is used to having other people do the efforts for him. I don't want to have to push him all my life.

Basically, he is working illegally under the table. How is he in your country? Is he on a tourist VISA?

I would not fault him if he didn't go to college but learned a trade, and was actively trying to get a work permit, even if he had to go back home periodically-- but he just seems content to sponge off of you.

Send him back to his mommy with his video games.

We’re not going to condone him mooching off of you if that’s the advice you want to hear. It’s up to you to decide ultimately if the stress of these issues is worth it.

You lived with him in his country for 6 months. Did you not see any clues the first time you lived with him?

If you were to spend the rest of your life living exactly how you do now, would that be ok?

Are you hoping for change and what kind of change does that look like?

I can only speak for myself. I'd have no qualms about giving the heave-ho to anyone who frustrates my vision of my own future and the kind of 'equal' partner I desire. I'd likely even pay for his plane fare to exit my life faster, and I'd consider that a cheap price to pay for tuition in teaching myself some important things--not just about what I don't want, but how important my future goals are to me and why I'll never be happy compromising them to settle for anyone who can't (or won't) keep up with me.

Given that most people are NOT our match, I've never regretted making this decision to 'correct' a bad choice. I've only regretted the time I wasted in staying tied to a wrong match for too long. We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

Head high.

If you have ambitions, then why did you chose this loser. You knew who he was. I don't get it!

If you don't have a problem with supporting/nagging this parasite for the rest of your life, then everything should be okay.

Harsh tone but ok.

Well I am not paying anything for him, we pay everything 50/50. But yeah I feel like I am mommying him and pushing him to act like an adult but it doesn't really work. In the country where he is from, a lot of men are like that, and sometimes worse. His family are proud of him and idolise him because he is charismatic and funny. They don't think he is in an anormal situation for his age (no career, no savings, etc.) I am putting up with this because he has been of emotional support for me on a regular basis, because I've had a very lonely life and no one to trust. Also I have low self confidence and don't think a lot of "better" men would like me.

Good grief. I would rather be alone that put put up with this nonsense.