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Thread: My boyfriend is a manchild?

  1. #11
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    I think you're reading the advice here as harsh, when what I think the posters are doing is simply cutting to the chase and giving you the "end" of the advice, which is, as I agree, that you two are absolutely mismatched.

    Your topic headline asks if he is a manchild, and the answer is a resounding "Yes".

    My last relationship was like this, so if it helps (this helped me), picture him as a 10 year-old boy in big boy pants. I literally would stand there and picture my then-boyfriend as a child who was wearing a grown man's clothes, and it was like.....aha.....that's what this is.

    You are taking on the role of a parent, waiting on him to do dishes while he finishes up his video games, and getting (rightfully) upset that 50% of your cookies are gone, yet he hasn't offered to replace them.

    I get it: he's emotionally supportive, and he keeps you from being lonely. You will one day find, if/when you leave him, that you can find emotional support and love within yourself, with new friends, family, groups/activities, and that all this other "stuff".....his manchild-ness....will not be missed.

    I'm sorry, but there is no "working through" this. Correction: the only way to work through this would be for you to forgo your career, engage in video games, hang around the house all day, and basically forget that you put in all this work towards your education and career, and come down to his level.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Let him go. He is not on your path forward.

    Perhaps you chose to attach yourself to him too quickly, in your effort to backfill your childhood desire for security and stability.

    See that you now provide yourself with the security and stability you desire. You do not need someone else and choosing to keep someone out of weakness will just keep you from finding your true path.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    I have to agree with the others^....I'm sorry but I don't see him changing unfortunately....

    If you say you want to break up that MAY spur some action into him, but in a lot of ways, people are who they are....and once the dust settles he may very well just return to how he is now. That is the risk you are running here....

    There are definitely men out there who are more motivated and want more out of life than video games.....

    You can try and let him know your concerns but please don't let this drag on for too long ok*

    Carus*

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by nagon
    Hello,
    This is my situation and I'm not sure what to do:
    I'm a 23 year old woman and I met my 29 year old boyfriend abroad in his country while I was travelling. We were long distance for a while and then I lived there with him for about 6 months. After that I had to go back to my home country and he came with me with the plan of staying and living in my country.
    However I have a masters degree and will start a well paying job soon, and he has no degrees, no real job experience (just small jobs here and there, and he also worked with family members). He is quite lazy, he hasn't even started to learn the language of my country. He doesn't have a work permit so now he is working as a bike delivery man. This job is super flexible and he can choose his own hours, but he still manages to be late. The rest of the time he plays video games. He takes little to no initiatives around the house, but at least when I ask him to help cleaning up he does. But he always takes time to do it, like when he has to do the dishes he will kepp playing video-games for 2 or 3 hours before doing them. He doesn't make a lot of money so we can't do so many activities but that's OK, Im fine with him saving some money but I noticed that he actually doesn't. Like right when he gets paid he will spend all of it in take out food, a joystick, clothes. When we get groceries we always pay 50/50 but sometimes I am like to get myself some extra treats like chocolate or cookies for myself and he will always eat half of those, but he never buys stuff for him where I just take half. Well those are just details.
    I have ambitions for the future, and I don't want to have barriers because of his situation, but he doesn't do anything to better his situation, and he is used to having other people do the efforts for him. I don't want to have to push him all my life.
    Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Sheesh. Have some standards. Let him go. You sound successful and ambitious; you can find someone more on your level. Imagine all of the nice vacations you could have with a nice supplemental income from a future partner!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems you're aware of it and it's starting to bother you. How long have you been together in total? How long has he lived with you?

    Perhaps you're answered you own question already:
    Originally Posted by nagon
    My boyfriend is a manchild?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Why is he living there without a job permit and ways to support himself? How long have you dated him previous to his move?

    If you don't want to end the relationship maybe it's easier if he goes back to his country, gets on his feet, returns to your country, lives there in a separate place and then you can think moving in again.

    I don't know, it just seems like he's too dependent on you to be living there and you'll end up resenting him. And he'll continue to feel enabled to be a manchild

  8. #17
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    What did he do before he met you?

    You seem to think you have to stay with him because if you don't he'll have no where to go. Well, that's his problem.

    I'm sure he's just an awesome guy when he's not lazing around playing video games, but if you don't want 50 years of watching him be glued to his gaming console you have to make the decision.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I think you're reading the advice here as harsh, when what I think the posters are doing is simply cutting to the chase and giving you the "end" of the advice, which is, as I agree, that you two are absolutely mismatched.
    This. In my experience with this forum and others, those giving advice do so based on literally 100's of other similar posts. Your situation is far from unique OP... and people are saying what you are thinking deep down but perhaps not ready to face yet.

    Only you can decide in your heart if this guy is worth the effort. Personally, while I am happy to help and support someone, I have no desire to "mommy" a grown a$$ man that can take care of himself.... my hearts desire is to have a relationship where we take care of each other (it isn't all him or me) and I think this is what most people want at the end of the day.

    You also said in a previous post that you were staying with him because you didn't think you deserved better... this both belittles him and does a number on your self-esteem and isn't a healthy way to view a relationship. If you don't accept him for who he is then it's time to let it go because there is no guarantee that he will ever change, and you have no control over anyone except yourself.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So basically the only reason you are in this relationship is because you have really low self esteem and don't believe you can do better. OK, so you really have only two options here:

    1)Dump him, focus on your future and career, work hard on your personal childhood issues and improving your self esteem and meet a guy who is worthwhile and have the happy, equal relationship with a partner you don't have push, pull, force and mommy.

    2)Keep him and toss out all ideas about him ever being an equal partner to you. Accept that you'll wear the pants in the relationship, go to work, pay the bills, raise the kids AND keep a passive aggressive manchild who might eventually help you with the dishes...or not.... All in exchange for "having" someone in your life.

    Which option is more attractive to you? Decide and carry on.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by nagon
    Hello,
    This is my situation and I'm not sure what to do:
    I'm a 23 year old woman and I met my 29 year old boyfriend abroad in his country while I was travelling. We were long distance for a while and then I lived there with him for about 6 months. After that I had to go back to my home country and he came with me with the plan of staying and living in my country.
    However I have a masters degree and will start a well paying job soon, and he has no degrees, no real job experience (just small jobs here and there, and he also worked with family members). He is quite lazy, he hasn't even started to learn the language of my country. He doesn't have a work permit so now he is working as a bike delivery man. This job is super flexible and he can choose his own hours, but he still manages to be late. The rest of the time he plays video games. He takes little to no initiatives around the house, but at least when I ask him to help cleaning up he does. But he always takes time to do it, like when he has to do the dishes he will kepp playing video-games for 2 or 3 hours before doing them. He doesn't make a lot of money so we can't do so many activities but that's OK, Im fine with him saving some money but I noticed that he actually doesn't. Like right when he gets paid he will spend all of it in take out food, a joystick, clothes. When we get groceries we always pay 50/50 but sometimes I am like to get myself some extra treats like chocolate or cookies for myself and he will always eat half of those, but he never buys stuff for him where I just take half. Well those are just details.
    I have ambitions for the future, and I don't want to have barriers because of his situation, but he doesn't do anything to better his situation, and he is used to having other people do the efforts for him. I don't want to have to push him all my life.

    Basically, he is working illegally under the table. How is he in your country? Is he on a tourist VISA?
    I would not fault him if he didn't go to college but learned a trade, and was actively trying to get a work permit, even if he had to go back home periodically-- but he just seems content to sponge off of you.

    Send him back to his mommy with his video games.

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